Mondays always feel weird to me. I still experience some of that childhood dread of the weekend being over and having to go back to "normal life". I feel okay right now, although a bit lethargic. I have my second outpatient session tonight, with an assignment ready to share. I'm hopeful that this program will help with some of the emotional issues I have. It seems like it'll be easier to talk intimately with this group than it would in a 12-step meeting.
I've been dealing with impulsivity/compulsivity, anxiety and fear lately. It feels like my mind is on overdrive at times, and there's this sort of desperation to act out in an unscripted fashion, just to garner some sort of response. I know I don't have to respond to these thoughts and feelings, and I'm okay with that, it's the analysis paralysis that comes later that drives me crazy. "What if I did this, what if I did that, why didn't I do this, why didn't I do that" over and over and over. I'm still adjusting to thinking and feeling everything all at once, and not suppressing or avoiding the issues that underlie all the substance abuse, and I think it'll take some time to know how to use my body and mind to their potential.