thanks, cj. good question--what went wrong? it had definitely been building up for days, if not even a week or so. so i should have tried to address it sooner.
i think the biggest thing i botched was failing to redirect my thinking away from thoughts of drug use. when i was feeling stronger a few weeks ago, whenever bad feelings crept up, i was diligent about distracting myself in a major way...like *really* getting my thoughts out of that headspace. i could feel, over the last couple days, however, a lot of drug lust swelling up, and i made cursory efforts at best to neuter them. so i think the lesson i should take away from this is that, i gotta shut that shit DOWN! (i'm picturing Nagan from The Walking Dead saying that
).
i gotta say also that i'm not sure going to NA meetings when i'm jonesing is a good idea. as some of you know, i have pretty sketchy feelings about NA in general. i had only started going to meetings again in the last few days, when i was feeling iffy. i felt very lonely in my current state of addiction/recovery, and wanted to sit in a room with some other fucked up people. but i really do think that when i'm vulnerable, meetings can be counterproductive... just reminds me of how close the drugs are, despite all my work distancing myself from them. i have really mixed feelings about the whole issue.
all in all, yesterday blew. but i will say i'm SO glad i didn't go fully haywire and score heroin. obviously that's where my brain wanted me to go. and yes, it was surprisingly easy to toss the coke, so at least the slip-up wasn't huge...didn't even feel anything from the blow except a little edginess. sigh.
