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Positive The Tapering Supportive/Social Thread

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I feel like I'm letting a lot of people close to me down because of my anxiety issues. Including myself. I feel that I am watching the days pass by. I have been in benzo wd's so long something has got to give soon it just has to. I'm starting to pass out and skip doses, I think my tolerance is dropping but today I feel in one word dead.

I have L-theanine with magnesium glyconate, I should make use of it. Bananas for potassium, on a budget. I think there is a sort of yeast for B-vitamins I can just like put in kefir?

I love L-Tyrosene. I discovered that it helped after the occasional coke binge. Then I kept taking it in oxy withdrawal and I haven't for a long time. That would be the first thing on that list I would get, the dopamine precursor.
Thanks, yea, take your time I feel, well, dead. No energy to do anything. Not suicidal or anything not like that at all I feel downright awful though. Comparable to a week long coke binge I would say but I have so much to do today I am starting to get really anxious it's all important stuff I have to talk to doctors and my family and right now I can't really think straight.

I haven't had a coffee yet today. I should have one. Just low. I got hooked when I quit it with the oxy's, it's not that though this is serious lethargy for no apparent reason. I had a really yummy veggie pasta for lunch and 6 hrs of sleep, earl grey tea all day I should be getting ready and making myself look as presentable as possible to my family so they don't notice the dark circle and wider rounded circles of reddened, skin scraped by tears. I've been crying on a daily basis for so long it has started messing with my complexion.

FUCK auto-correct!!! Such a pet peeve of mine. I bring it up all the time to friends when texting aha. I just got a new phone and I need to turn that shit off it actually drives me crazy. Nobody needs to correct me and it isn't reliable. I'd rather develop texting dexterity. Wonder if you can turn that shit off on here... should be able to somehow.
 
lol, humour is most def my thing! You're prob on American spellcheck y'all. Surprised every second word isn't 'eh' for me it pretty much is in person ehhhh. In response to that, I can just say that taller is not my thing and I am 6' so that isn't really a problem. Just not taller than me or the same height, that would not work.

I still feel like shit. I think that I was so anxious on Monday and Tuesday, constant extreme anxiety, that I am exhausted from it and I wasn't eating because of the anxiety too. I am craving a coffee, finally going to have one. I'm trying to revert to tea, but it is presently justifiable. Then when I get up and moving I might feel less stupid and a little more sharp in mind. I gotta balance out the bong tokes and sedatives with coffee, like some sort of medical speedball. Pretty much on hiatus until I get a coffee in me, been having too many for too long at this point I need it to function.

Thanks for giving a shit.
 
Well I felt like shit all day for too many days it has become unhealthy. I'm going to lose my mind from the stress, so I just double dosed and decided to go out for dinner. I will eat a lot of food, get really stoned before and after, drink coffees to keep me awake as that is one heavy dose of tranqs, and just have some relief and be able to converse and think straight and this horrible knot in my stomach will subside and I will be able to eat.

Was at least at the usual time I dose so it won't confuse my body that much. It had to be done. I'm sure anyone here tapering doses a little extra sometimes, under circumstances that are beyond control and directly interfere with the disability but are also obligatory in some way.

I felt like shit ALL day AGAIN it's just like, people went to work and made money today? I sat on a couch too depressed to think. I took two kpins and yeah I also passed out for a bit too had a nice nap, feel better. I think I should be dosing them less frequently, something to bring up next appointment.

Presently the moon entered my sign, and then I passed out and woke up at least with a little energy. Enough to get a healthy meal in me - that will make two today. That is really not bad as the other was a hearty pasta full of vegetables. I will probably sleep incredibly well, digest all that food quickly due to the benzo / herb combo, and wake up feeling energized. It has been a while and that is my hope. I don't want to wake up feeling like shit tomorrow it's a really important day. Fucking sucks when drugs interfere with shit that actually matters.

The benzos literally did nothing to me for years in terms of side effects and then all of a sudden this.
 
I'm too depressed and anxious to seek treatment for depression and anxiety. Plus my back hurts too much I'm well known to doctors as a no-show. My dumbass attempt at a joke but it's sort of true.
 
Hey everyone - hoping 2019 is treating you well (I haven't checked in much this year). To keep any newcomers up to speed: I've been tapering from oxycodone (relapsed last year after 8 years of sobriety). Over last summer (May thru August), I was averaging about 40mgs a day, and then I began a taper because of work starting back up in mid-August. That's the short version (the rest of you know the details). Anyway, it's been a LOOOOOOONG and slow taper. That said, it's continually gone in the right direction (which is down). After 6 months of a gradual taper (with weekly backslides), I'm down to 5 mgs a day. It's funny, the feedback I get from the PA (Pills Anonymous) meetings I attend, is that I'm totally living a lie and in TOTAL denial (essentially, their message is that a taper is not possible). But, the feedback I get from close friends and from you people is that I'm doing VERY well! Personally, I think the truth (for me) lies in between the polarities of the feedback. The 12-Step is a bit too militant for me; however, I've been having LOTS of weekends in which I go "off taper" and take three/four Percocets mixed with a rum and coke. Ahhhh, that warm and fuzzy feeling - it makes all my troubles vanish immediately. Needless to say, this sets the taper back. But again, ovrerall, I've gone from 40 mgs to 5 mgs ... which, no doubt, is pretty darn good.

Soooo ... that brings me to the heart and soul of my post: I'm scared, friends. I've now "danced with the opiates" for 10 months or so. And, let's face it: at 5mgs, I'm close to "jumping ship" and quitting. But, I'm so used to the daily ritual of taking even a TINY bit (1.25 mgs around noon, 1.25 around 3:00 PM, and 2.5 around 5:30 PM). I'm scared about how I'll fill-up my free time. Will I go back to meetings? Exercise more intensely? I know one thing for sure: if I sit around and get bored, I'll go back and get a script for oxycodone ... and it will all start again.

Anyway, thanks for reading this - and I'm always open to feedback. Miss you guys!
 
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God damn this school! We left to do classes in a different city for 8 weeks. My classmates haven't stopped drinking since we got here! Just got back from the pub. It's currently 3am and we just called off our coke hunt. Class in like 4 hours pray for me pls!

Ps: this is DAY ONE. Peer pressure is REAL.
 
uncle_jocko said:
Hey everyone - hoping 2019 is treating you well (I haven't checked in much this year). To keep any newcomers up to speed: I've been tapering from oxycodone (relapsed last year after 8 years of sobriety). Over last summer (May thru August), I was averaging about 40mgs a day, and then I began a taper because of work starting back up in mid-August. That's the short version (the rest of you know the details). Anyway, it's been a LOOOOOOONG and slow taper. That said, it's continually gone in the right direction (which is down). After 6 months of a gradual taper (with weekly backslides), I'm down to 5 mgs a day. It's funny, the feedback I get from the PA (Pills Anonymous) meetings I attend, is that I'm totally living a lie and in TOTAL denial (essentially, their message is that a taper is not possible). But, the feedback I get from close friends and from you people is that I'm doing VERY well! Personally, I think the truth (for me) lies in between the polarities of the feedback. The 12-Step is a bit too militant for me; however, I've been having LOTS of weekends in which I go "off taper" and take three/four Percocets mixed with a rum and coke. Ahhhh, that warm and fuzzy feeling - it makes all my troubles vanish immediately. Needless to say, this sets the taper back. But again, ovrerall, I've gone from 40 mgs to 5 mgs ... which, no doubt, is pretty darn good.

Soooo ... that brings me to the heart and soul of my post: I'm scared, friends. I've now "danced with the opiates" for 10 months or so. And, let's face it: at 5mgs, I'm close to "jumping ship" and quitting. But, I'm so used to the daily ritual of taking even a TINY bit (1.25 mgs around noon, 1.25 around 3:00 PM, and 2.5 around 5:30 PM). I'm scared about how I'll fill-up my free time. Will I go back to meetings? Exercise more intensely? I know one thing for sure: if I sit around and get bored, I'll go back and get a script for oxycodone ... and it will all start again.

Anyway, thanks for reading this - and I'm always open to feedback. Miss you guys!
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Hey don t let those guys in the meeting steer you wrong. You've gotten down so low. Great job. If I was you'd I'd work on not getting high on the weekends before you fully quit. It'll make it a lot easier on you. Either way man great job! Good to hear
 
Congrats Unclejocko.
Your doses are really low now. Are you actually feeling anything after a hit of 1.25 mgs? I know my tolerance is high now, but 1.25 sounds like it would be nothing. Maybe you could just replace one of your doses with a Tylenol.
 
I don't feel as tho u r doing it wrong (the taper) until you are actually doing it wrong. Quitting smoking or eating carbs/sugar is DEF like that-it u have to say "I will quit on Monday" you simply aren't going to quit, not on Monday, not any time prolly. But drugs are a little different...
 
ShroomySatori said:
I'm too depressed and anxious to seek treatment for depression and anxiety. Plus my back hurts too much I'm well known to doctors as a no-show. My dumbass attempt at a joke but it's sort of true.
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I am American, and the way u spelled humor narrowed down my search of continents for you as well. I read back thru your diary on here from like 2015. You are off all pain meds????? I would be uber impressed. If it weren't for my job I'd be a proper junkie, but alas, I have something keeping me honest.

You are vegan? Is that what I am understanding? If i felt absolutely terrible everyday, idk, dude. That's scary. You need a ton more potassium than what's in a banana and a ton more magnesium as well. I just took a neurotic, bc the leg and lower back pain is still lingering from withdrawals I think. It's DEF helping.
 
Yeah, right vs. wrong trips me out. It is black and white thinking, a BPD thing I know well. I kept skipping doses because there was a better way to take my meds, so the taper was adjusted for. They even told me to let them know if it is going too quickly, it seems I found the experts. Probably should have checked the psych ward might have saved me some time.

What's a neurotic? I still suffer from chronic pain on a daily basis, I was talking to it with my doctor recently.

I am off all pain meds, oxy since two new year's ago, and H in particular the spring/summer before that so July 2017 for that one. I have taken codeine, like twice for pain and not felt a high. I wouldn't take it again.

Something keeping you honest? Sounds like I could use that. I am getting to the job part now, getting working again. Although I am disabled it does not mean giving up.

I think I'm low on potassium and magnesium, those minerals because I do hot yoga. There is so much sweating involved that wouldn't nutrients have to be replenished after? Like in a serious way, not a random meal.

I love vegan food. I am not vegan anymore, at least for the time being, because I can't afford it. It's not like an animal rights thing, although there is that. I was just eating progressively healthier until I realized that I didn't require meat, and it was making me too full with all the vegetables (I am a fine cheese fiend too). I couldn't find a way to cut out the dairy that was it but I think I would know now. That was before I started skipping meals and got really skinny. I eat when I can now, so if that is a lamb shank to fatten me up or a duck breast so be it I'm a skinrat! I need to start eating more fruit again too. Going for pineapple tonight.

It is a sort of lazy man's diary I suppose. Okay so what if I took an L-theanine with 350mg magnesium glyconate added in, and something with potassium. Other than a banana. I will have to figure that out I always just think potassium = bananas but there is probably a better source.

I felt amazing when I was vegetarian since it was unintentional, that is my preference these days with the occasional carnivore release.
 
Well today I am content. I have seen progress with the benzos, not much but some. I got stable on a daily dose and schedule, all this medical stuff involved now. I will be fine. It took months just to do that. My memory is bad in this time. I don't get cravings for it like I used to with opiates when tapering, which always would get me. I had to cold turkey, this should work out.

I would say I am beginning to be able to experience happiness again. There is hope here. Nervous, and still not really functioning. It is a terrible thing to go through. I am trying harder not to complain when I feel bad.
 
Woa thanks guys I didn't know that the Benzo was a danger ! I have like tried two days ago taking 8 Pills of Nitrazepam instead of 10pills and it didn't work out for my so I went back to 10Pills. I may be getting a job but def not sure if it'll pay put before my Nitrazepam stash runs dry.... It's just I love in a country where even Gum like chewing gum is illegal and so is taking prescription drugs without a prescription..

Problem is I'm already out on bail (Bail here takes a long long time to process) and it's for possession of cannabis which they consider like worse than meth or Coke. And that checking into into an ER the doctors have to report to the police about me :/
 
My career ambitions are improving. I am seeking an alternative career, and I am aware that a great predictor of success is knowing what I would like to do with my life. I have figured it out and known since last year. I made a lot of progress today through networking in person and online as well. There is so much more to do and such little time, but I think I am done for the day... it sucks. I'd like to get out tonight! I've been on the go all day, and I am very tired. Maybe the grapefruit diffusion will give me a burst of energy and just had my 3rd coffee of the day.

Chamomile oil is excellent. I could never see myself going through a withdrawal without these oils! Chamomile is particularly good for nausea when inhaled through the nose. It is a gentle oil, I can apply it undiluted to my nose and have a lasting effect and aroma for several hours. I swear it does something for pain. I can't get this effect from the tea, it doesn't really agree with my body and I don't like the taste, but the aroma of the flower is quite sweet and nice. This stuff is awesome.
 
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I have ambitious hopes and dreams for my future. I can see multiple avenues ahead and how I could get there.

Whether or not it's too late, not sure. Got a serious habit I really wish I didn't have.
 
Trying Kratom powder. It might just be that my tolerance is too high, but it aint helping much if at all.
 
Keeping this thread going. I am doing okay I guess. I am in severe benzo withdrawal but I guess I have to be. It is hell sometimes. Other times it is okay. Sometimes I fuck up and take more and have to skip pills. The taper I got is starting at what is such a low dose for me but realistically the dose is comparatively heavy and pretty unrealistically to get prescribed for months on end. It's still not enough it is 20% of what I was taking before and straight to long acting which his fucking insane and I've never been more anxious in all my life than since I went through severe benzo wd. My brain knows now. How totally fucked I really am. Only time will tell if I will have the strength to work my way towards a second chance at a life. This withdrawal makes you feel as dead inside as a heavy opiate one does, you can walk around and sort of function which makes it horrible when you have to do stuff can fake a sickness but with this, I am seriously lucky not to end up in a psych ward or worse by now. Honestly. That could have happened a lot of times and I practically deserve it by now. It's taking forever to make any sort of progress. Brain and other damage is a serious concern at this point.
 
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