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Positive The Tapering Supportive/Social Thread

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I am on the upswing now. Makes me wonder if I'm really bipolar and not borderline or if you can be both I know they are commonly misdiagnosed like Kurt Cobain was most def BPD not bipolar imo. I am borderline but I find it weird, these longer term shifts.

It coincided with the ending of the retrograde of my ruling planet Venus. Over that day I started feeling less stress. Been having some silly horoscope lately but like when Pluto lord of the underworld connects with the moon at the time you ended up scoring pot like to the dot, you begin to question a lot of different things. For example, do I create my own reality? The power of positive thinking is just an instance of it. Or the power of trippy thought, how during a psych binge my basement became a dream acid den with work set up right there and the world I feel was shaped and created and formed by the acid. It was obviously involved, I thought working from home was going to be something completely different than it was, and what it was, was a tripper's dream part time job.

I had yoga today, it was sweet. I have been up since 3am, my back is killing me but I prepared in advance. I started moving around on Friday and yesterday I had a reasonably active day. Since I have been a burnout lately and this yoga is really challenging. If I keep it up, my body will adjust, my legs will strengthen, I will be more flexible overall and when I had been doing this for a few months earlier this year my chronic pain went away. But I got depressed and started going once a week and my pain came back. I have to go essentially daily. It definitely helps with depression too.

I just need to keep doing confidence building stuff and working on my fitness too. That is so important because it is the only way my chronic pain will go away other than opiates. I really have to strengthen my core, the whole way around my waste. It takes a lot of time and effort but what do I have to lose by starting up daily yoga again. It is good for mental health overall.

And I can take massive heavy hitting bong tokes after, much heavier than usual. Anyways, I seem to be feeling better I think it is a lot of things and a lot of it is spiritual or self reflective as all I smoke is indica like fire kush varieties and that puts me in a reflective state of mind. Start thinking about how I act around others and stuff. What I should be doing etc. Keeps me up at night. Love my indica though. So there is that, cutting back a little on weed seems to help, more yoga and meditation and the hard classes that exhaust and challenge me, I need to start reading again at least a bit. Just little things like that. I feel alright I guess. Switching from etizolam to xanax I think has helped a lot Since, that other stuff is way more addictive it has euphoria to it. Xanax is more of a real anxiety med so I mean I'm stuck on benzos for now and if it is between the two for now my view is the xan. Even though I like etizolam more well that is the problem, and the compulsive redosing and yeah I'm just trying to get my life in order would it ever be nice to have a cute girlfriend and some money to spend on weed and xans and also normal people stuff.

When I have momentum going like this, it can be easy to crash. My horoscope said to slow down so I'm doing fuck all for the rest of the day. Tomorrow I will start with my new routine morning sunrise walk. Stuff like that will just brighten your day, I wake up at 5 and I'm out walking in the dark rather quickly. Gets me away from the bong so I don't smoke too early in the morning. I love that time of day, it is frigid up here and I think getting climatized asap when the cold starts is important too. It gets so cold here you would not believe it. I really like it for a while but after the new year it gets old.
 
Thanks friend. I really am and it is due to a lot of different things so I feel more stable. I really don't think that etizolam was good for me but it is more than that. It is a positive change in attitude. Some optimism for once and it isn't random. I've been doing more yoga and I do all the challenging classes that like the teachers do it's tough but the only way to treat my chronic pain other than the opiates so it's an obvious choice. But today I do a labour shift plus Sunday yoga and I am completely exhausted. I've had so much food, and am sitting down with a medium pizza and watching Wentworth it is a good tv show about a women's prison.
Feel more stable in general it won't last forever but at least I have some peace of mind. Just need to find some faith in myself. I am really physically exhausted though. I am going to need a full day of rest after that, the class alone was intense. So I think I did well today and I still have the desire to do fun things like watch that tv show. Might wander around the mall tomorrow.
 
Glad you are feeling better Shroomy! ❤️
I am real happy to hear that!!
It sounds like you have your medication worked out better. That helps a lot.

Good work for getting active and getting to yoga and working on your core strength.
I have been trying to do more exercise and activity also.
I just get so tired and require lots of rest breaks. But I am trying.

I really need to start going for walks also. That is a good idea.
Getting outside makes me feel better but it is so cold that it hurts!
I get all stiffened up but I keep trying and I am hanging in there.

I have been struggling with a major bout of depression and increased pain.
I'm struggling to get that back under management.
 
Got my script. Used it all. Now Im in the exact place I was 30 days ago. No oxy. Using lope to bridge the next 3 weeks.
My life is better once I stabilize on lope and just focus on tapering off of that. The roller coaster just starts over when I get my script. Too bad my body hurts so much less when I have oxy.
 
Squeaky said:
Got my script. Used it all. Now Im in the exact place I was 30 days ago. No oxy. Using lope to bridge the next 3 weeks.
My life is better once I stabilize on lope and just focus on tapering off of that. The roller coaster just starts over when I get my script. Too bad my body hurts so much less when I have oxy.
Click to expand...

Ah shit! That sucks Squeaky!
3 weeks. Damn! I feel for you my friend.
I would just say stay on the lope but it is too dangerous!

But, it is what it is. You are on the lope now so you could just use that and taper off.
You could also switch over to suboxone from lope? Looks like that idea worked for some of the people in the lope thread.

You must be hurting real bad! I know winter hurts a lot more.

I'm really struggling to keep stable myself. I need a dosage adjustment.
 
Hello friends - just thought I'd check in quickly. As I've shared, the last few weeks - with the death of my stepfather, a laptop destroyed by a coffee spill, etc. - have been pretty tough. Needless to say, I'd be strong on my taper for a few days, and then I'd indulge in more pills. So, I took some extreme measures (I felt I had to at this point): I typed out a specific taper (lowering my dose by 1.25 mgs. every 7 days), kept just enough pills for 4 weeks, gave the rest of the pills for my taper to a trusted friend, and I flushed the excess 55 pills down the toilet. I simply realized that I need to be very accountable; otherwise, that warm, fuzzy, opiate blanket is just too tempting. SO, that's where I'm at right now. I hope everyone is doing well - I'm going to read some more posts and catch up.
 
I'd recommend an ergonomic chair for pain. Joe Rogan speaks of these on youtube. I just set up a makeshift office space so that I am not sitting or laying down so much. The desk has to be quite a bit taller. I must apply to jobs that appeal to me and that is it for that. I get so anxious over nothing but I am pretty much desperate for a source of income at this point. Didn't take care of my finances for too long in withdrawal I couldn't do a thing productive.

Pretty much just a normal desk with my comp on top of a stack of old textbooks. I have been cleaning this week, figured I'd have a more positive attitude if I had a clean living space and now I have a little desk to write cover letters at. I did before, but it was much more of a leisure one and I wasn't using my ergonomic chair. This I think is helpful, having a workspace and I think that I can improve on it. So burnt out, need another coffee. Pretty much out of weed again, I seriously need a good job I've been detoxing long enough.
 
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Does anybody know what could be causing an ice cold feeling in my left leg?
That is the leg that I have constant pain in.
The muscle has been jumping all over spasms on my femur bone and a feeling of bone marrow being eaten?
It is horrible.

I keep getting major hot flashes too and am soaking and I mean soaking wet within seconds.
Even my hair gets drenched and I have very long, thick hair.
I'm having a hard time staying hydrated.
Not sleeping or eating well.
Broke off a tooth from pain getting so high that I clench my teeth hard.

I have been using my daily dosage of MS Contin and some ibuprofen. No other drugs or withdrawal going on.
 
Great ideas Uncle Jocko and ShroomySatori!

Bravo for coming up with a plan and taking some action!!

❤️❤️
 
PainfulOne- I have had tolerance withdrawals many times- severe withdrawal symptoms while holding steady at a constant dose of my oxycodone with no other drugs used. Aching legs, nerve pain, sweating, insomnia, etc. I did some research and it all pointed to tolerance wds. Basically my body craving more even though I had not lowered my dose.
Ultimately I suffered less when I varied my dose week to week. Lower doses meant I got wds for a few days but I was saving pills. Higher doses meant I was more comfortable but I would be setting myself to be short on pills.
The bone pain and all of your pains from the navel to your toes could be wds. The sciatic nerve area gets swollen during wds and causes random pain everywhere. Burning, stabbing, tingling, etc. just like when your arm falls asleep while youre sleeping. When it wakes up and hurts like hell for a minute- you can have that pain in any muscle or bone anywhere in your pelvis, legs, or feet. All caused from wds just like the swelling in your head causing a headache.
I never found a solution other than more pills. Not much of a solution though.
 
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Clearly I am doing better tapering off Loperamide than oxy. Right now I am just going to focus on switching back to lope. I can work at tapering off that stuff over the next couple of weeks.
My guess is I will do the same thing next month. So maybe Ill take a page from UncleJockos book and get rid of my pills next month. Im not sure how I would do that though as Im not prepared to tell anyone about this problem. Im definitely not telling my Dr as I know Ill never get back the script I have now. I have flushed pills before so that I could quit and spent the next two years kicking myself for that whenever I needed extra pills. I couldnt ask my wife because she has already carried me further through this than she should have to. I tried locking pills in the safe, but I just unlocked it the next day and used them.
Maybe Ill give them to the dog and let him bury the bottle in the back yard. By the time I find them I wont need them anymore?! Ha!
 
Squeaky said:
PainfulOne- I have had tolerance withdrawals many times- severe withdrawal symptoms while holding steady at a constant dose of my oxycodone with no other drugs used. Aching legs, nerve pain, sweating, insomnia, etc. I did some research and it all pointed to tolerance wds. Basically my body craving more even though I had not lowered my dose.
Ultimately I suffered less when I varied my dose week to week. Lower doses meant I got wds for a few days but I was saving pills. Higher doses meant I was more comfortable but I would be setting myself to be short on pills.
The bone pain and all of your pains from the navel to your toes could be wds. The sciatic nerve area gets swollen during wds and causes random pain everywhere. Burning, stabbing, tingling, etc. just like when your arm falls asleep while youre sleeping. When it wakes up and hurts like hell for a minute- you can have that pain in any muscle or bone anywhere in your pelvis, legs, or feet. All caused from wds just like the swelling in your head causing a headache.
I never found a solution other than more pills. Not much of a solution though.
Click to expand...

I was thinking it could be a "tolerance" issue. The question I have though, is this- Does your tolerance ever go back down and your prescription is enough again? I went nine years with no problems on the same dose but for almost two years now I have been having these "tolerance withdrawals" and I keep sticking to the same dosage so why does your body not adjust?

Do you just come to a point with opiates where after you have been taking them so long that you must have a dosage increase?

I keep putting off an increase thinking my body will adjust but it never does! Two years now of being a few days short on pills every month! If I don't take more than prescribed then I am in withdrawal all the time. Just to a lesser extent.
I have to have some days in the month that are alright and where I can eat, sleep, etc..

I am scared to tell my doctor about this and more scared he won't do anything to help me or worse!
 
Squeaky said:
Clearly I am doing better tapering off Loperamide than oxy. Right now I am just going to focus on switching back to lope. I can work at tapering off that stuff over the next couple of weeks.
My guess is I will do the same thing next month. So maybe Ill take a page from UncleJockos book and get rid of my pills next month. Im not sure how I would do that though as Im not prepared to tell anyone about this problem. Im definitely not telling my Dr as I know Ill never get back the script I have now. I have flushed pills before so that I could quit and spent the next two years kicking myself for that whenever I needed extra pills. I couldnt ask my wife because she has already carried me further through this than she should have to. I tried locking pills in the safe, but I just unlocked it the next day and used them.
Maybe Ill give them to the dog and let him bury the bottle in the back yard. By the time I find them I wont need them anymore?! Ha!
Click to expand...

Haha! I could not flush them either and I was thinking- "NOOOOOooooo" when Uncle Jocko said he flushed them. Lol!

I gotta say, that takes some balls U.J!

I am probably going to have to use some lope myself coming soon. :(

Hope you adjust quickly and feel alright with just the lope Squeaky.
That is not fun, I know!
 
You should see a doctor painful one to be on the safe side. You know your body well and something seems off and you wouldn't have mentioned it if it wasn't something new. I wouldn't mention anything about meds just what is going on in your body and they will probably ask what you are prescribed or know and take that into account but it is to make sure it isn't just a new withdrawal symptom or pain flare or something that is not really serious or new (that much pain alone is serious enough to warrant a visit). What is there to be afraid of you are not a drug abuser they can't take you off painkillers for being in more pain that you've never to my knowledge really overused that much.

Could be that your withdrawal is progressing, it does that and the symptoms change and perpetually become worse even when the meds are taken as prescribed, they simply are never effective long term. You can get a dose increase but then at higher doses more side effects become prevalent and the positive effects begin to diminish. You do a lot of other things for your pain you should keep trying to find a solution. I did with yoga but I am so lazy about it these days. Barely been out of bed and it's mid afternoon, I better at least go for a walk. It's the same with the benzos they stop working at that dose and once you start increasing, the increases become higher and more and more necessary with the relief becoming less over time. This is why I will never use them again for pain except the odd codeine if I really need it. Tolerance returns to where it was within a matter of days, even years later, but the first couple of doses it is like you never took an opiate. (why relapses are so dangerous btw).

I'm not saying any of that is happening to you, and you should already be aware of that. Just for the sake of your health make sure it isn't something else. Not everything is the morphine and you are on a low dose so you would recognize that something is wrong with your body more easily, it is better to be safe than sorry and people wait too long to see a doctor if something is wrong a lot of the time. Like my back pain I ignored it thinking it would go away for way too long, if I had a short course treatment of morphine with physio and some time off work I would have probably never have had the pain become chronic. As it is a facet joint and a big problem but I can normally bear a little agony. It's when I literally can't get out of bed that I feel that I need something now, and that isn't every day like it used to be.
 
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Thank you ShroomySatori! I appreciate the thoughtful answer.
I am having some strange new symptoms and I am going to my doctor right after the Thanksgiving holiday.
In fact, I need to call right now and get an appointment.

I have been waiting for him to get back to the office. He has been out of the country for two months.

It is hard to know what is going on! I really do take my medication as prescribed for the most part.
Exactly as prescribed. A few extra pain pills here and there should not cause this and never have before.

I found an article about tolerance to opiates though.
http://www.instituteforchronicpain.org/treating-common-pain/tolerance-to-opioid-pain-medications
It says in here that it is a natural phenomenon after so many years of usage even when the patient has taken the medication exactly as prescribed. Which I do.

It says it can take years and never really goes back down once you become "tolerant".

However, I am on a low dosage so hopefully my doctor will recognize the issue and a medication dosage adjustment will solve the problem. I'm not going to ask for an increase or even say anything about the medication. If there is another way besides increasing to fix this, that is great with me! I'm just going to tell him what is happening and then let him tell me what we should do.

I don't know what to do obviously and I don't want to do the wrong thing.

I am just praying that a dosage increase will fix the problem and my doctor will be good with that. This is scary stuff!!
 
I know what you mean too about having a hard time getting going and sticking to exercise etc. shroomy.
I think that is probably depression from chronic pain / injury/ disability/ our lives being shredded/ employment being almost impossible/ family not understanding and anxiety.

Depression and anxiety obviously come along with chronic pain. I often wonder how much better I could do if the depression was lifted. I'm not willing to take any other medication though! I already tried anti depressants and they were horrible and made things worse for me. I don't think they would help anyway. The depression is from the chronic pain.

I want you to know that I do read what you say and I totally get it and I struggle in the same way. I just don't know what to say except to keep trying like you said. Keep trying different things. I have come to a place where I'm in too much pain to do the other things that were helping. This sucks!
 
Yes exactly I was going to mention not mentioning the meds. I don't think I did but I can see you bringing up loperamide to a doctor... lol. Whatever helps if it isn't dangerous. In heroin withdrawal before I actually wanted to stop I would sometimes take heavy doses of baclofen (200mg, scripted 10mg), 20 xanax bars, plus the most hardcore one of all that I am least tolerant to... cyclobenzeprine... flexeril... a few of those 10mg ones... 30mg of that. This triple combo would knock me out for 24 hours until I could get my real fix, waking up soaked in sweat so out of it and of course I wouldn't wait to clear my system before doing the dope. Still I wouldn't touch the needle though, well, 5 times but that is when someone like me is found dead so that is when I quit. After all that though my tolerance to sedatives is seriously like a rhino it's fucked. I can take a gram of valium at a time easily not that I do but I easily could and get on with life as usual for a few days... but I am not completely hopeless judging by how much xanax I need, it doesn't match up with etizolam and is a way lower dose.

I'd pick up where I left off... makes me a little nervous that I ever even did that and all of my own volition I researched more and more like a nurse and it helped that my two best friends shot up, my habit was a secret but I at least had a friend on the phone when I first hit the crook of my arm and I had seen my other friend hooked on stimulants do a hit. So I was shown how and that's sort of how it starts and they both talked about it way too much like an obsession almost. yeah by the way these are not nice memories and they are not triggering. Sends a shiver down my arm thinking about that shit wtf like I could have lost an arm and a triple sedative high dose combo isn't exactly safe but in that withdrawal I do not think straight and I was so high strung that's what it took. Couldn't even feel the xanax. I better never go back I'd be such a dumbass to personally.

Anyways, even with a dosage increase you could be masking something serious that was my concern take it seriously not like you know it is a pain flare you just want to make sure of your health and def mention how concerned you are and that it is a different pain than you are used to like it sounds. They won't take you off your meds it shows you take your health seriously and are proactive about things. If it is anything like up here they are so complacent to do or change anything so stand up for your health. Try to keep to under 100mg morphine daily you'll end up in the same place quickly if you do get an increase, with worse withdrawals. And yeah don't be worried to stand up for yourself as well if you are not getting the right treatment. It is never what they want to hear.

I think your body is trying to tell you something, pay attention like you are or you wouldn't have brought it up. I'm just a fucking junkie though. Took 30mg diazepam and 5mg xanax just now, was having a freakout. I think that I might be experiencing some psychosis, delusions of persecution, etc. like my mind I can't be stressed out this bad for such a long time and expect to be the same person. It's going to get worse if I can't learn to control the misery and snap out of this depression.

I swear I've been fucked up since like 10 years old and yeah like if I put the pieces together plus the delusional childhood memories I think it's pretty fuckin obvious what happened to me. I had a great childhood for the most part but I've been doing a lot of reflection and there came a time when everything changed over the course of a few months. I became withdrawn, and shy, and the memory fragments are well I don't want to use the word traumatizing but they are. Then my teenaged years were a constant war against authority and I ended up with high school marks that were all in the high 90's because all I did was study. I needed to escape my family home. I am hiding something from myself what I don't understand is how I was clever enough to live a normal functional life being so messed up with nobody noticing a thing until I was like 28 other than the back pain which was noticeable the moment you saw me as I couldn't really stand on my feet without feeling extreme agony for several years.
 
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Painful one you seem like such a nice person who did you end up this way? What the fuck. At least I want myself to suffer. Like my friend put it, I am so resilient that I bring these monsters and demons upon myself to keep myself occupied. To test myself. Something like that, really I'm just another junkie who ruined my life. I believe that without suffering so much from chronic pain, loneliness, depression, anxiety and all this that I could have changed the world in a positive way. I am very smart and creative but stuck in a ruined body. That somehow still looks and tests very healthy even though I feel like shit a lot of the time and am totally dysfunctional still and unstable. It's all in my head I feel like I've been intentionally subconsciously hurting myself for as long as I can remember unless I was like 6. Was really in touch with ethereal blue spirits back then. They would roam around up and down the stairs and I know they are still around but I can't sense them like that. I used to be able to see these spirits, never bothered me and never thought much of it at the time either. Probably because I had been recently incarnated and having been through the intermediate states of reality, and yet to be brainwashed by fucked up society and the way success is measured, I was closer to the source that I will return to when I die before starting this shit all over again since I'm stagnating and the energy isn't going anywhere.
 
Hey my friend, don't be so hard on yourself. You astonish me sometimes with your wisdom and sensitivity.
Your intelligence is also just extremely amazing. You are a nice person!

Something happened to you. Yes. Me too. We, being sensitive souls were very hurt and traumatized by something in our childhood.
We both have the same type families and get treated the same. They traumatized us in someway. I heard the doctors yelling at my family! Shredding them.

The thing that I finally came to is forgiveness for everyone and unconditional love and that has brought me peace.
I am very grateful for that! Try to let go of these heavy memories, traumas, and everything.
It helps so much!

I know that you are a special soul. I know you have special gifts. I also know that you are loved very much by many, many people who you have yet to meet. You don't deserve this. You are not junkie scum. Stop that!

You have risen above a problem that few make it out of. You have amazing strength.
You keep rising above. Overcome things with love. It works!

And...LOL!! I know huh? I would be one to start yapping my mouth to a doctor about lope or some shit.
I'm so dumb and just brutally honest it is funny! I will restrain myself and remain silent on the drugs.
Hopefully, my doctor can figure out how to help and do what is best.
I was thinking just an increase from 75 mg a day to 90 mg a day.
I definitely want to keep it as low a dosage as possible!
 
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