Craving past drugs

[Inso]

Hello all,

I've not touched cocaine in 7 years but lately cannot stop thinking about it. I stopped due to having some rather bad experiences and also that I was on the verge of developing a full blown addiction.

At the moment I have just got myself fully back to fitness after a previous long illness so am in good shape. I have a severe headache disorder which I take an SNRI drug for (Duloxetine/Cymbalta) along with an anticonvulsant drug (Lamotrigine), both at very high doses. Even though I know the potential dangers of mixing SNRI and cocaine I am on the verge of convincing myself to get a gram or two and try it.

I know this is my former self-destructive personality trying to make itself heard, having been suppressed for many years. It has awoken and is hungry. Rationally it is a terrible idea to do cocaine (MDMA) but part of me says fuck it let's feel that amazing feeling again. I'm pretty sure I have the addict gene.

What drugs do you guys remember like a past love? I'm worried I'm not strong enough to keep this idea out of my head. It's quite fascinating how the addict part of my brain produces thoughts like 'what could go wrong?' while the rational part is like 'that;s a stupid idea, you've got your health back only recently, why risk it again?'. The battle continues...

Helpful words much appreciated

 

[Muzda Jonxx]

My trick was to take all of them to such excess that none of them seem very appealing now. Weed now makes me paranoid. MDMA I need a dose so big I black out. Coke I never really liked in the first place. I felt like I was having a heart attack on my last dissociative trip, so that left a sour taste in my mouth. After the benzo withdrawal the very thought of them makes me feel ill. I'm still hurting a little from the latest opiate rattle, but they'll always seem appealing. Alcohol is blunt and dull, but it's fine for the odd glass. I'll never be an alcoholic because I never liked being drunk.

The only drug group I continue to be friends with are the hallucinogens, taken very infrequently because I've got many other responsibilities now. Also so I don't end up with Hppd again.

Why would you want to upset the apple cart after 7 years? The one thing I remember about coke's lure above all else is it seems like an amazing idea up until you finish that first line. Then it's downhill all the way until you run out with a hurty nose and head to bed for sleep. Only to get up again to drink a gallon of whiskey because you can't sleep yet.

After 7 years, that train really isn't worth starting up again. And your bank balance will thank you.

 

[Jabberwocky]

Most of my past loves - both regarding people and drugs - embodied relationships I wanted, so very much desired, to possess but that in attempting to possess them I never actually got what I really wanted above all else: happiness, contentment and connection. At best I got a glimmer here and there, but it was very rarely sustainable. I did learn a lot from my failures though, and these days I'm much more able to experience those things - happiness, contentment and connection - than I once was. It just took a lot of intentional practice

 

[Inso]

Those are indeed helpful words! Thanks guys.

I think certain people are simply born with more of a pull towards mind altering substances. Everything I've ever used, I used to excess, taking more compulsively then everuyone else around me.

Even caffeine of all things, I am heavily addicted, get massive cravings if not had for more than half a day, use more and more, develop tolerance, often binge on just for the fun of it. People I explain this too can't understand it, caffeine is just a minor thing that picks them up occasionally. Yet I get feeling of pleasure and relaxation. I'm sure many of you relate!

Cocaine will indeed cease to be amazing after the first few lines yet still that initial feeling after sniffing a big line seems so important to me. It's amazing how the addict part of me tries to break through all the time with the rational part hammering it down. Why is feeling that intense, artificially happy, alternate state of mind so important to me?

 

[14YearsOfFlux]

Most of my past loves - both regarding people and drugs - embodied relationships I wanted, so very much desired, to possess but that in attempting to possess them I never actually got what I really wanted above all else: happiness, contentment and connection. At best I got a glimmer here and there, but it was very rarely sustainable. I did learn a lot from my failures though, and these days I'm much more able to experience those things - happiness, contentment and connection - than I once was. It just took a lot of intentional practice

Words of wisdom right here.

 

[Jabberwocky]

Cocaine will indeed cease to be amazing after the first few lines yet still that initial feeling after sniffing a big line seems so important to me. It's amazing how the addict part of me tries to break through all the time with the rational part hammering it down. Why is feeling that intense, artificially happy, alternate state of mind so important to me?

Because what you crave is just what I craved: happiness, connection and contentment.

The urge to want those right here right now fuck the consequences is very, very strong. Natural even. But of course it fails us in the end, because it can never be satisfied through craving - a new mode of connection is required to attain any kind of measurable happiness and such. The rational mind is not so very important when it comes to experiential learning like this - your emotional intelligence is what you really need to strengthen if you want to grow past this.

I'm exactly the same way with coke, which is why I don't do it any more. I love drugs, still do and always will, but I have learned some drugs I am able to handle, and other I am not. Like I said, it's all about practice.

 

[Muzda Jonxx]

Even caffeine of all things, I am heavily addicted, get massive cravings if not had for more than half a day, use more and more, develop tolerance, often binge on just for the fun of it. People I explain this too can't understand it, caffeine is just a minor thing that picks them up occasionally. Yet I get feeling of pleasure and relaxation. I'm sure many of you relate!

Oh hell yeah. I'm a total tea head. Coffee is fine in a pinch, but I'd much rather a constant supply of tea. I drink it less for pleasure (the sugar is good) and more because the tea turns me back to being a human being rather than the zombie that staggered out of bed and tripped down the stairs 5 minutes earlier. Plus making tea breaks up the monotany of work. Too much caffeine doesn't do me any favors these days though, gives me the jitters. That's only possible to achieve with those crazy Relentless cans though, so I avoid them now.

 

[Moreaux]

Interesting perspective. I don't really have any drugs that I think of in terms of past loves...nothing I really miss or fantasize about. Benzos and booze destroyed my life, and I was so physically addicted that it was painful (literally physical and mental pain) to use, but I had to. Coke and opiates were enjoyable, but I could always give or take them. Opiates were my first DOC, but booze quickly replaced them due to legality and ease of acquisition. Weed is like an old high school friend I don't actively associate with but stay connected to on Facebook lol. Everything else was just a one off.

I guess the closest to past love would be barbiturates, but those are absolutely fiendish for me so I just can't. I came way to close to death on so many occasions, and I just couldn't learn to function on them. Plus, they're hard to acquire now days. Back in the 90's it was easy to get a script for "migraines".

 

[Muzda Jonxx]

Whoa! Barbs, that's one group of drugs I actually never touched. They looked pretty hardcore to me. I used to know a madman from Liverpool who would get all barbed up and then drink spirits on top of then. And then lie there laughing his ass off attempting not to pass out and die. Didn't look like too much fun to me but he swore by it. I hope he's still OK.

 

[Inso]

Because what you crave is just what I craved: happiness, connection and contentment.

The urge to want those right here right now fuck the consequences is very, very strong. Natural even. But of course it fails us in the end, because it can never be satisfied through craving - a new mode of connection is required to attain any kind of measurable happiness and such. The rational mind is not so very important when it comes to experiential learning like this - your emotional intelligence is what you really need to strengthen if you want to grow past this.

I'm exactly the same way with coke, which is why I don't do it any more. I love drugs, still do and always will, but I have learned some drugs I am able to handle, and other I am not. Like I said, it's all about practice.

Very true words. I just wish I didn't this ridiculously compulsive nature. Many of my friends are able to take or leave drugs and don't quickly make them a focal point of their life if they use regularly...

 

[Moreaux]

Whoa! Barbs, that's one group of drugs I actually never touched. They looked pretty hardcore to me. I used to know a madman from Liverpool who would get all barbed up and then drink spirits on top of then. And then lie there laughing his ass off attempting not to pass out and die. Didn't look like too much fun to me but he swore by it. I hope he's still OK.

I would frequently drink on top of them, or just redose constantly. I used to be able to get a stadol nasal spray when I was living on base (the naval hospital was connect, they used to script me all kinds of crazy shot and in ridiculous quantities for my "headaches"). The fear of dying on barbs was very real, I had way to many nights where I would sit on my floor for hours forcing myself to remember to breathe. Every now and then I would through in a lorazepam or diazapam for good measure. I was absolutely reckless as a teenager, and nobody seemed to notice or care as they were all scripted pharmaceuticals, and my parents didn't care if I drank at the house. They were truly the best of times and the worst of times lol. You were wise not to mess with them.

 

[Muzda Jonxx]

Rather than wisdom, I think I was just lucky that they were never popular in my circle and never came my way. Which is really very lucky, given that I've got myself in trouble with all the drug groups, alcohol excluded.

 

[Jabberwocky]

Ditto, that's how I feel about booze and benzos, lucky to have avoided them more than anything.