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  • Trip Reports Moderator: Xorkoth

25c-NBOMe - A Psychedelic Suicide Story (25c overdose)

diamondpowder

Greenlighter
Joined
Jul 23, 2016
Messages
2
Hello bluelighters!

A warning: This will be a long read, and might disturb the faint hearted. This contains suicide attempts. You've been warned.

I finally managed to write this down.
This is a story of abuse, wrong decisions, reckless behavior, and overcoming suicidal behavior.
In the first half I'll cover key events in my life so that you'll get an understanding of me.
If you just want to read about the 70mg overdose, ctrl+f.
I hope this is okay to read as I am not an english tongue.


A Psychedelic Suicide Story

My life and personal development has been unfortunate since I entered school.
Teachers saw me as a lazy smart person that could do so much more ?€“ but I just wanted to fit in, avoid attention.
Secretly I knew where I wanted to end up. My first ambition was designing bridges, later houses for my family to live in.
That changed when I learned about physics. I developed a passion for the laws of nature and saw my future path ahead.
I knew it was gonna be a long road to end up in particle physics. As the LHC was constructed and tested,
I wanted to gain the knowledge and understanding to work there.

The last years of School were the best of my life. The bullies dropped out, I found myself in a group of friends with a
strife for higher education. I just had 1 year of school left to qualify for a university,
when my world suddenly collapsed into nothing. I could barely remember math learned years ago,
I was no longer able to handle formulas of any kind. My brain decided to shut down.
It took me 2 weeks to realize that I cannot continue school like this, so I dropped out, hoping to resume in a year.
After dropping out I got terribly depressed. Eat, read about Depression on the Internet, sleep. My mother introduced me to
a psychiatrist, I explained what happened and how I felt. He told me I have daddy issues. He gave me a pack of citalopram,
told me to stop being a bitch and go back to school. Maybe it was just too late in the night for him to understand my situation,
maybe he was just an asshole. I spent the next 5 months in bed with no interest in another ?€œprofessional help?€ experience.

Eventually I got out of bed again, I was incredibly bored. I taught myself how to code and
wrote a few successful game server extensions, for fun. Through a friend of my mother I got the opportunity to work at a
company developing smart meters. My trial task was to develop a server that enables communication to firewalled smart meters.
I felt like I could do it. I spent a lot of time setting up the knowledge required to write a secure and efficient product.
Just when I actually got a prototype in my hands to develop for, I found myself in that hole of not remembering things again.
As soon as I opened the code editor, my mind turned blank. I couldn?€™t do shit for 3 weeks. The frustration of not realizing the
code I had planned in my head made me force myself. I gave myself a strong push, and spend 9 hours
writing the basics required for the project. I remember myself being manic while I coded. At the end of the day I burned out.
A shell of a human. I felt nothing, just hopelessness and despair. I turned to self-harm, and immediately got addicted to it.
I sent the prototype back to the company without telling them why. Soon I realized what was happening, and managed to stop.
I learned that I need to time my performance, and that a real job as a programmer is out of question for the time being.
Through family help I started appointments with a therapist, and learned why my life sucked. The therapist tried various
tricks and methods to make me leave my inner fortress, but I built the walls faster than they could be torn down.
A psychiatrist suspected that I might be bipolar (which i wasn't) and put me on lithium.

After some time, my mother wanted to move out of the country and into a big city, so I started living with my grandparents for
a few months til I got my own apartment. Living alone, taking care of myself worked out surprisingly well. I was still unable to work,
but at least could live on my own. I had no contact outside of my family, but I had peace.

Then a tweaker moved in next door.

I am a very open-minded person, we got friendly fast. He admitted his drug habit, I admitted my problems.
He asked me if I want to try amphetamine, I did research on its interaction with lithium on it and gave it a go.
I suddenly felt alive again. I got my own, and self medicated with it.
Through my neighbor I met a lot of good and shady people that take drugs, and broke out of my social isolation.
It was a wild time with all kinds of experiences (I consider this time as reliving my late youth), that ended with a cannabis habit.
I?€™ve phased out the lithium since it got me into some dangerous social situations that I would have avoided without it.
There is just no danger when you don?€™t give a fuck about anything.
Sobering up made me realize that this upper based lifestyle wasn?€™t sustainable, so I moved to a different place
and spent most of my time alone again, with a visit every few days to supply myself with cannabis and human interaction.
As time passed I even stopped smoking. The next major setback was neuropathic pain. I?€™m not entirely sure why it developed,
but eating a lot of barbecue during the summer sure didn?€™t help prevent it. I couldn't think straight because the pain was too strong at times.
I found that cannabis was the best option I had at treating the pain, and started a diet. Strictly eating whole spelt bread that I baked myself.
Most other things, especially sugar, yielded massive pain outbursts, and I didn?€™t want to be extremely high all day.
(Looking into the future I probably only had to supplement omega 3, which helped me a second time I developed symptoms.)
Being free of that pain that I had for almost half a year, I felt ready to take on life again.

I thought getting rid of all the junkies trying to hang out (my old place was central, and let?€™s say easily accessible) would make my
life a little less stressful, but I was wrong. The woman living under me caught wind of my habit, and thought I was Satan himself.
Soon I heard her calling the building owners almost every day, telling them that I ?€œneed to go?€. I even overheard her talking to a neighbor
across the street, telling her I deal cocaine. I didn?€™t deal anything, so that was a major shock to me. From there on I ignored what she said.
I studied the weather to make sure no smoke reached her floor, and kept the volume down when friends were over.
Still, I felt uncomfortable living there, and since I just engaged in a 12 month contract, I would have to endure it.

I reduced my cannabis habit a lot, and visited my family more often. They assured me that I wasn?€™t Satan, and things got better.
I had exchanged most of my drug friends with internet friends, and tried to look forward.

One day, as I woke up, I suddenly wanted to die really bad. I found that ceasing to exist would be the right thing to do.
I actually felt euphoria knowing that I was gonna die that day.
I lost most of my blood in a hot bathtub, but as I actually started dying, death panic set in and I flopped out of the bathtub like a fish.
The air allowed the blood to coagulate, and I spent the next hours fainting as soon as I lifted my head from the floor.
I managed to crawl into my bed, let my arms hang off the corner and hoped I?€™d die in my sleep. Didn?€™t happen.
Next day I realized what I had done, and called my granny to bring me medical supplies. I knew it was too late to sew the wounds,
and didn?€™t want to get locked up. After a few days I was back on my feet again. Luckily it didn?€™t get infected.

I didn?€™t understand. I still wanted to stop existing, but why the sudden death? Why on auto pilot?

Before this all happened met an internet friend through a certain video game image board, he had posted a picture of a tab of 25i.
I spent time talking to him while he trips and read a lot about psychedelics. I understood this was nothing compared to the drugs I experienced to that point.
This was a whole new mountain of potential and danger.

I hoped to learn of my subconscious suicidal mess and decided to get 10mg 25c-nBOME. I cannot stress enough that this was a stupid decision!
The day it arrived I realized it wasn?€™t 10mg. I read everywhere that eyeballing sub-milligram is plain retarded, but I didn?€™t care.
I expected to have 30mg, and pretty much took a grain of it. I didn?€™t expect to die from less than 2mg, and probably took around 1mg nasal.
I actually expected to take less than an average dose, and got triple the experience. Text I tried to read turned into arabic,
colors were flying through the air, it was spectacular, euphoric. I rediscovered feelings that I haven?€™t had since age 16.
As I peaked I lost connection to reality, but still had a sense of being me. I started having visions of problematic situations,
like being cornered by a group of shady people trying to provoke you. I was stuck in that state til I found a solution to defuse the scenario.
As I managed to crawl out of these dark places I felt great, like a Survivor successfully fighting to be alive.
Returning to reality after each fight was a rebirth on its own. I also experienced multiple times at once,
which can be described as sequential slices of time experienced at the same time. Reality was just a small window of what I saw in total,
and I often lost focus of it. I don?€™t remember more details at this point as this happened a long time ago.

The minor issue I had with this trip, even if it was unexpectedly strong, was that it happened in my grandmas living room.
I didn?€™t want to be alone during my first experience with a psychedelic. She has the personality of a flower power girl of the 60?€™s,
so I pretty much gave her an introduction to trip sitting. Luckily it ended well.
I deeply regret having her experience that, given I could have possibly died in her arms that night.

I felt like I resolved some issues, or at least had the illusion, and wanted to repeat this experience, in a more controlled manner.
For a few days I didn?€™t feel like dying. I actually felt great. I definitely wanted to trip again, but without my grandma as collateral.

So I visited my mom. I had a room for myself to trip, and my mom was as open minded as me, and didn?€™t care if I die from it.
(It may sounds harsh, but she is a fanatic esoteric, but that?€™s too much to explain here)

I acquired a milligram scale, and found out I got 90mg 25c-nBOME. This is where I truly realized how reckless my first trip was.

I made a solution that allowed accurate dosing, and explored 400 to 700ug ranges nasal.
I had truly amazing experiences. My inner child was alive again. I felt the magic connectedness, I stopped seeing myself as an
isolated freak and saw my place is right within the mass of humans, instead of separated far away.
My long lost artistic side came alive again, I suddenly could enjoy art again instead of judging it.
I gained knowledge about myself that still helps me to this day, one major thing being that I need to
be creative from time to time to vent subconscious frustration with life.

What really surprised me was that a trip gave me a 2 - 3 week window where I had no suicidal ideation.

Sadly, suicidal ideation would eventually return. After my first attempt I knew it was just a question of time til my next attempt,
and I wanted to get help or at least get into a position to get help before I kill myself.

Before the next trip I already felt that I lost mental processing to the suicidal monster inside of me, but I couldn?€™t do much about it.
I had contacted a local psychiatry and had an appointment with a therapist to assess my situation,
but I wasn?€™t able to tell them that I am a ticking time bomb.
The last 500ug I took liberated me again, and showed me the true nature of that monster.
It made me understand that I cannot control myself anymore, that I really need to get help.
The trip was filled with bittersweet feelings of knowing that I was about to lose it. The next day of the trip I didn?€™t feel suicidal again,
but that the same time I felt unable to get said help. I was on autopilot again. For 2 weeks life was good and fun, while I subconsciously planned how to die.

While I still waited for the hospital appointment, the day came.
On autopilot I packed my bag with a bottle of 2000mg+ tramadol in solution, 70mg 25c-nBOME, and some weak MAOI I had left.
I told my mom that I was gonna go buy some electronics, and left to take the train into the suburbs where I went into a somewhat remote forest.
It was a slightly steep hill, covered in foliage. I picked a spot under a tree, away from paths or anything of interest to visitors.
First I drank the tramadol with the MAOI. It tasted like I expected it. Thankfully I bought some malt beer with me to get it down.
Then I started playing GY!BE on my phone, disabled the screen, and spread the 25c in 2 lines. Snorting it felt just fucking weird.
Not bad, just weird. If we ever get augmented brains in the future, plugging a smell enhancer into the nose must feel like this.
The bare deciduous trees crooks became very pronounced, then started moving, and I felt an incredible anxiety coming.
I read that some people died on 2mg, surely 70 will do it? I wanted to die, just now that I reached the point of no return,
I absolutely realized what I was in for. I hoped I?€™d just fall unconscious fast, and seize to death.
I started hearing voices saying ?€œOh no, he took too much?€, ?€œHe will die?€ and the likes.
It?€™s been 10 minutes or so, and my reality consisted of loud noises and a flashing colorful fractal.

Sadly I only remember bits and pieces of the experience.

At one time I just saw a watery 2D plane of colors, different areas connected by lines, like a circuit board.
I somehow felt that what I saw was the connection to my friends, and my focus happened to be one internet friend,
who I?€™ve talked a lot to in the last years. I could interact with him. I could make a truck honk sounds,
and he could reply with a steam train horn. So I would honk to say ?€œI am still here?€, and he would sound the horn in affirmation.

In another scene I saw a big washing machine, where you would enter and get your mind tumbled.
I was thrown in it with some other beings, some of them looked alien, I thought of them as a coral style species.
While I was in there I could taste something organic, which might have been the foliage I was lying on.
It started tumbling us, and spat me out as a different bit improved person.

As the ?€œadventure?€ ended, I saw visions of people from all over the world.
A female paramedic in Argentina just got out of the ambulance, and suddenly stood still as If she got a hint what was happening with me.
A painter somewhere else experienced the same. I also remember an animal attendant somewhere in africa.
I saw a lot of different characters getting the ?€œmessage?€ that I am about to die, and they all stood still and thought ?€œhe is not allowed to die?€,
?€œwe need him in the future?€œ, ?€œhe cannot die?€.. They felt sad but sympathetic. They all had one thing in common:
They were very positive empathic beings, either engaged in arts or helping other people. None of the people in the visions had any dirt on them.
They appeared like ?€œangels?€ in disguise to me. It?€™s hard to interpret what happened, but they seemed to focus their minds on saving me somehow.
Next I saw a white glowing snake. I was told that I am not allowed to leave earth yet. Then I got catapulted into reality. No visuals. No vasoconstriction.
Nothing I could determine as post trip effects I experienced before. I felt sober as fuck, I felt real, I felt alive.
And I was freezing like shit because it got cold outside. This was 6 hours after taking the dose.
Luckily I found my phone, the music was still playing, and I had 13% battery left. It was really dark, I could barely see.
I turned the light on my phone on, and could see a dirt trail down the hill, about 15ft, where I was sitting.
Might have been a seizure, or movements during the trip.

I had to get out of the forest. It was getting very cold, and very dark. My muscles hurt like crazy, I was close to powerless,
fell over randomly because my legs just refused to work. This was a fight for my life.
I had no idea where I was, I just knew there was a house on the hill half a mile away. 5% battery as I left the forest, finally some more visibility.
Using GPS to locate myself and call an ambulance was just unrealistic. I could barely get a tone out, and my battery would die first.
By the time I reached the house I had bruises all over. I just knocked on some window, hoping that someone was there.
A woman came and told me to fuck off, I must have looked creepy as fuck. I managed to shout ambulance, and she called help.
Some men came over and asked what happened, I told them I survived an overdose that should have killed me.
They asked me why: I told them that my life just sucks and I saw no way of improving it.
While I waited for the ambulance I was offered a glass of water which I immediately vomited out.
I apologized, and felt shameful that they have to clean up my mess.

The ambulance arrived, after telling them what I took they called the drug/poison agency in the capital, but they didn?€™t know what 25c was.
I told them they can think of it being related to mescaline, and that I might seize again.
I understood that they didn?€™t want to give me valium based on my word alone and respected that.
I was in intensive care for 3 days and had my kidneys washed. I would have died from kidney failure if I?€™d gotten lost in that forest.
Then I got transferred into a psychiatry, but that is a story of trying many medications, and getting disappointed with how modern psychiatry works.

This happened many years ago, but overall that experience stayed with me.
Whenever I feel suicidal, I remember that ?€œyou cannot die?€ moment like a brick in the face.
I have no other choice but finding a way to improve my life.
Even if it takes a lifetime to find out.





I know this is very condensed, so feel free to ask questions or give comments if you have any.

Tagged by Xorkoth
substancecode_25cnbome
substancecode_nbomes
substancecode_phenethylamines
substancecode_maois
substancecode_tramadol
substancecode_opiates
_combo_
explevel_experienced
exptype_negative
exptype_healthissues
exptype_difficult
exptype_disaster
exptype_overdose
roacode_oral
roacode_sublingual
 
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I try to find some nice words for you but only hate cames to my tongue. It's because people like you that we have got drugs ilegalized. Go to a psychologist, you have got some deep issues, and if you try to kill you, please, just jump from a window without any drugs on your system. Snorting any ammount of NBOME is supid, but snorting 70mg........ That's why vendors usually don't stock potent compounds, because they are a lot of crazy kids arround.

I feel this one should be moved to "The Dark Side" or "Trip Reports", mods...

Amusing story to read, but I don't know what do you want us to tell you. You just were stupid and need some help.
 
I understand why you react that way, yes it was stupid, and out of control. But jumping out of a window would have actually killed me, but here I am, alive. Give that a thought.
I am nowhere near that crazy anymore, and live a stable life again. As I said, this happened many years ago. Still I am happy that even tho it put you into a rage it was amusing to read.

I know this is not a pretty story of safe use or harm reduction, but I still felt like it was information worth sharing. If this offends anyone, I feel for you.

Mods, if this needs to be in a different forum, please move.
 
70mg of an NBOMe? Whoa, you meant business!

That moment when you started having the visions must've been so cathartic. You basically descended all the way down to Hell and came back alive I guess. Nice to hear that it ended well. Thanks for sharing, it was quite a ride reading that... I can somehow relate.
 
With the mindset of committing suicide and trying to overdose on a potent hallucinogen, sounds like the exact definition of hell.

It's pretty amazing you came out, presumably, unbroken by the experience. Probably a good thing you can't remember much of it.

I hope you are now drug free and getting any help that you need.
 
What you did is completely stupid man! as MSK said, if you wanna die, then jump from building. This is not how you should look at life. We all have our ups and downs, we all are faced with big ass problems, we all feel weak at certain points, but hey why quit when you can actually beat it. You need professional help, and not psychiatry, I'm thinking more of a psychologist's help. stay away from meds and drugs. Search for the real, find one of your passions and dig deep in them, they'll bring out the best in you. Surround yourself with people that make you a better person, with people that will push you up the ladder. Im sorry if i sounded harsh, but the way you handled things was pretty bad.
 
I can understand the frustration at people doing silly things on drugs (although there is far more to prohibition than that) but if someone was really suicidal are they going to listen to a subgroups helpful and kindly alternative routes to a horrible death that won’t upset their agenda; "dude smash your face in with a hammer - jumping from a building doesn’t look good on us architects"
 
wow, just wow. What a story. Glad you're alive and feeling better. This should have been posted in trip reports though, maybe a mod can move it?

So I visited my mom. I had a room for myself to trip, and my mom was as open minded as me, and didn’t care if I die from it.

Sorry, but that's sick. Sounds to me that your family is the root of the problem.

Edit:
Also, if you choose to trip again, get some of the new legal LSD analogs like ETH-LAD, 1-P-LSD, ALD-52 or AL-LAD. They're so much better and so much safer than NBOMe's.
 
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