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The EADD I'm Fucked Thread V. Noxious vapours and fanny batter

The right amount of subs can be stimulating as hell. For me it's 4 mg

Evey
 
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After keeping it low since christmas I had to basically give up what I was doing today and got small portions of a couple of a couple of high quality street drugs. for emergency mental health reasons Ill bore you all as to why tomorrow but i feel great due to the spectacular anti depressant effect induced by the delicious items I aquired. Im off to enjoy yjr buzz and ill give it some context tomorrow,as I have nothing else planned
 
After keeping it low since christmas I had to basically give up what I was doing today and got small portions of a couple of a couple of high quality street drugs. for emergency mental health reasons Ill bore you all as to why tomorrow but i feel great due to the spectacular anti depressant effect induced by the delicious items I aquired. Im off to enjoy yjr buzz and ill give it some context tomorrow,as I have nothing else planned
Glad to hear you're feeling good, but I'm afraid I have to be that guy and ask: are you still reducing your Phy dose?
 
It was reduced about 2 weeks ago by to 65ml and should be reduced to 60 in a fortnight. So far so good, but my selfish bitch of a mother seems to want to sabotage any attempt I make at leading a normal life. I know its a horrible thing to say but Im afraid I mean it. Yesterday, she wouldnt let me go to college as I rely on my father for lifts and the journey would have disturbed her viewing of Jeremy Kyle, and we cant go out without her as shes to 'scared' to be left on her own in the house - 2 weeks ago her behavior was so bad that I refused to get in a car with her as im sick of her trying punching me in the back of the head or trying to throttle me with my seatbelt. This is how she acts out whenever shes taken out of the house. So despite making sure I had all the house work done before 7am come 9 o'clock she wouldnt let us leave, threatening to call the police on me and my dad for 'neglect' if we tried to leave her on her own (on the one occasion we did sneak out of the house so my dad could get me to an important dsp appointment, we arrived home to find all the neighbours threatening to call social services on us as she has literally banged on every door within 200m meters to tell everyone how horrible we were and how scared and alone she felt. She does nothing all day apart from lie on the sofa watching ITV (thats a catch all term for any crap program), gets 2 cooked meals a day provided by either my dad or myself and the house cleaned around her, which she berates me for as well as the noise of the hoover disturbs her telle, and she refuses to close her living room door as it also makes her 'scared'. If I try to watch the telle or a film on the home cinema, she will throw temper tantrums untill I agree to turn it off and stay in my room untill its time she gets hungry. Ive given her alot of leeway this last 3 years as I have been able to just lock myself in my room and get smashed, but Ive tried toi explain to her (including writing her a letter) that she has to allow me the freedom to rebuild my life if she doesnt want me taking drugs any more. But despite all of this, including her calling me a 'lazy junkie' any chance she can get, she has made it quite clear that my rehabilitation and health are totally secondary to her comfort. I know Im going to get a lot of trouble for saying this but she is a selfish bitch, herself a drug addict, (Shes an alcoholic, which she is in full denial of of course and smokes about 30-50 cigarettes a day, paid for by either myself or my dad), and havimg to go to bed at 1pm every afternoon just so I can get some peace is alot more difficult when you have no drugs to simply knock you out.

So yesterday, enter super dad, who is as sick of her infantile selfish antics as I am.So as soon as JK had finished, my dad gave me 30 quid, telling me that Id tried my best for the day and that he was happy to facilitate a 'day off'. So we got into the car, quickly followed by my mother 'why are we going out, where are we going? Im going to miss Loose Women!!! After the usual rigmarole about the fact that she doesnt have to go anywhere, followed bv the usual 'im not staying in by my own, my dad drove me over to Wolverhampton, leaving me on a corner to score a nice 10 pound nugget of weed and about 0.25 of quality brown. Despite all the protests and insults I lay down in the back of the car on the return journey so she couldnt assault me, and once we got home he took my mother into the front room, telling me to have a bong and put a film on, which I watched under the wonderful influence of the po weed I'd aquired. Once the film was finished, I quickly got the dinner organised, which my dad promised to stick in the oven while I 'retired' with the rest of my gear to my bedroom, 5 0.5 bags.

After smoking one first to test the strength, I shot the second, to be rewarded by the first full on IV rush ive had in months. The peace was increased as I smoked the rest, and I ended up having the first genuinely relaxing evening since Christmas.

I know I shouldn't be using on top now im reducing, but its not going to happen in my current environment, so please dont start with the lectures about using on top while doing a reduction. I still havnt got down to my original dose yet, but I am aware that as the reduction progresses I need to stop using street gear. But with the misery I live in, its not going to stop any time soon, in fact, I dont want to stop using at all, which is why Im going into rehab, as I believe whatever brainwashing the centre does to its clients is my only hope to change my mindset.

My mother is beyond help, Ive spent 2 years asking doctors and mental health care professionals to come and assess her, as she just sends them away, always threateneing to 'sue me' for breaching her confidentiality by talking to health professionals about her without her consent (a load of rubbish I know but shes a little bit mentally ill and extremely thick and nasty). So after yesterday I officially give up, I just need to either a: make it as far as rehab, b: die or c: watch my mother die from emphamsemia or some other smoking related illness. So I wont be advertising these occasional lapses any further due to the stick ill get from other board members, but they still remain the only way I can shut myself off from my pathetic life and horrible mother in the meantime. Once my reduction starts to get into the bsuiness end (50mls and below) ill review my motivation and look again and stopping any on top use, however 'occasional' it may be, but it the meantime, with nothing else in my life and a mother determined to undermine any progress I try to make, its just going to be the way it goes.

Thanks to my dads compassion, I survived what would have otherwise been another awful day living my shite useless life. That shot of gear was fucking lush, It made me feel like a million bucks, and Im not going to apologise to anyone for any comfort I can get at the moment
 
What a fucked up situation to be in Stee. Your mum sounds like she really needs help. Your dad is clearly a dead set legend and a very kind man. I hope this all works out for you brother.
 
Cheers Consumer, I couldn't have asked for a more understanding and liberal response. Im not surprised that its come from a registered nurse (I qualified as a Registered Mental Health Nurse in 2002 and practised for 6 years before I was struck off the Uk's professional nursing register due to my drug addiction)
 
No worries brother. I feel for you. I have no advice to offer apart from just do whatever is in your best interest and give that amazing father of yours a big hug every day. I had a quick read of your benzo presentation. Its good work and i hope it gets to the people that need to read it. Good luck with it all my friend.
 
I feel for you too. What I think you should do is prey, prey and prey.
Giving yourself into a greater power will end all your mortal suffering.
Embrace the delight of our almighty lord, for he is all and everything.
 
Pffft.
I'm talking of our Almighty Savior, The Satan.

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Your catholic "god" is just a clown with a good pr section.
 
((((Stee)))) sorry to hear what you're going through. We all slip before we get there I doubt anyone's going to judge you with the situation you're in. We're here ti support yiu <3

Evey
 
Apologies if I came across wrongly Stee, I'm pretty sure the hypocrisy would manifest as a physical entity and punch me if I made a comment about using. :)
 
Apologies if I came across wrongly Stee, I'm pretty sure the hypocrisy would manifest as a physical entity and punch me if I made a comment about using. :)

Obviously I can't speak for Stee but from an observer's point of view you just looked like you're caring in seeing he's on the right track

Stee

I've wronged you in the past. I was very hypocritical n judgemental towards your situation without being aware of tge facts. I'm deeply sorry n my door's always open if you need anyone to talk tp. I can't say I fully understand your situation because I'd be a liar - I'm not living it, you are. But you're welcome to have my number if you ever need someone to phone or text a vent in confidence without judgement.

And please do not feel bad for using. Like your Dad said you had a day off. Hust get back on the horse n start riding to the fromt line. YOU CAN DO THIS! And we're right behind you. So whay if you slip 100 time what matters is you want off n that you keep trying until you get there.

And you WILL get there <3

Evey
 
I cant say either way mate, I wouldn't know I've never met him.
If you have met God, you have met Satan. They're just two sides of the same thing.
If you have met neither, you're doing great and apparently think with your own brain.
Amen.
 
Societal perception of "Satanism" has always amused me. LaVeyan philosophy really does have fuck all to do with Satan, the focus is on personal empowerment, confidence and responsibility as we slide around the mortal coil.
 
Yep, you got that right.
There's even a thing called Atheistic Satanism. Lol.
Satanism and actual Satan worshipping are two very different things.
 
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@ Evey ty - Im really encouraged to read that you have it spot on xxx

@sprout - dont worry there was nothing remotely wrong with your post - I was just pre - emting some of the more condescending posts I may get about not approaching my recovery like a monk
 
@sprout - dont worry there was nothing remotely wrong with your post - I was just pre - emting some of the more condescending posts I may get about not approaching my recovery like a monk

While I can't exactly suggest it to others in the name of HR, my own experience is that every time I approached quitting as a concrete, absolute, eternal concept I would relapse like a bitch quickly and use the shame and regret as fuel to burn my self-esteem so completely that I'd be numbing even more than I was initially.

The position of "I do not wish to remain addicted to and dependent on Opioids, I will make a concerted effort to reduce and ultimately stop my usage but accept any slip-ups as individual events that have happened to occur rather than a disastrous failure and signals of inevitable return to full time use" has helped me tremendously in my progression.
I no longer view using as the "dirty" alternative to being "clean" and abstinent.
That shift in my perception has allowed me to leave daily IV Heroin/Fentanyl and instead occasionally get high for an evening or two while barely even thinking about it when I'm not using.

It's a long road but you will get there, a couple of detours along the way matter much less than the destination.
Stay strong.

<3
 
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