It was reduced about 2 weeks ago by to 65ml and should be reduced to 60 in a fortnight. So far so good, but my selfish bitch of a mother seems to want to sabotage any attempt I make at leading a normal life. I know its a horrible thing to say but Im afraid I mean it. Yesterday, she wouldnt let me go to college as I rely on my father for lifts and the journey would have disturbed her viewing of Jeremy Kyle, and we cant go out without her as shes to 'scared' to be left on her own in the house - 2 weeks ago her behavior was so bad that I refused to get in a car with her as im sick of her trying punching me in the back of the head or trying to throttle me with my seatbelt. This is how she acts out whenever shes taken out of the house. So despite making sure I had all the house work done before 7am come 9 o'clock she wouldnt let us leave, threatening to call the police on me and my dad for 'neglect' if we tried to leave her on her own (on the one occasion we did sneak out of the house so my dad could get me to an important dsp appointment, we arrived home to find all the neighbours threatening to call social services on us as she has literally banged on every door within 200m meters to tell everyone how horrible we were and how scared and alone she felt. She does nothing all day apart from lie on the sofa watching ITV (thats a catch all term for any crap program), gets 2 cooked meals a day provided by either my dad or myself and the house cleaned around her, which she berates me for as well as the noise of the hoover disturbs her telle, and she refuses to close her living room door as it also makes her 'scared'. If I try to watch the telle or a film on the home cinema, she will throw temper tantrums untill I agree to turn it off and stay in my room untill its time she gets hungry. Ive given her alot of leeway this last 3 years as I have been able to just lock myself in my room and get smashed, but Ive tried toi explain to her (including writing her a letter) that she has to allow me the freedom to rebuild my life if she doesnt want me taking drugs any more. But despite all of this, including her calling me a 'lazy junkie' any chance she can get, she has made it quite clear that my rehabilitation and health are totally secondary to her comfort. I know Im going to get a lot of trouble for saying this but she is a selfish bitch, herself a drug addict, (Shes an alcoholic, which she is in full denial of of course and smokes about 30-50 cigarettes a day, paid for by either myself or my dad), and havimg to go to bed at 1pm every afternoon just so I can get some peace is alot more difficult when you have no drugs to simply knock you out.
So yesterday, enter super dad, who is as sick of her infantile selfish antics as I am.So as soon as JK had finished, my dad gave me 30 quid, telling me that Id tried my best for the day and that he was happy to facilitate a 'day off'. So we got into the car, quickly followed by my mother 'why are we going out, where are we going? Im going to miss Loose Women!!! After the usual rigmarole about the fact that she doesnt have to go anywhere, followed bv the usual 'im not staying in by my own, my dad drove me over to Wolverhampton, leaving me on a corner to score a nice 10 pound nugget of weed and about 0.25 of quality brown. Despite all the protests and insults I lay down in the back of the car on the return journey so she couldnt assault me, and once we got home he took my mother into the front room, telling me to have a bong and put a film on, which I watched under the wonderful influence of the po weed I'd aquired. Once the film was finished, I quickly got the dinner organised, which my dad promised to stick in the oven while I 'retired' with the rest of my gear to my bedroom, 5 0.5 bags.
After smoking one first to test the strength, I shot the second, to be rewarded by the first full on IV rush ive had in months. The peace was increased as I smoked the rest, and I ended up having the first genuinely relaxing evening since Christmas.
I know I shouldn't be using on top now im reducing, but its not going to happen in my current environment, so please dont start with the lectures about using on top while doing a reduction. I still havnt got down to my original dose yet, but I am aware that as the reduction progresses I need to stop using street gear. But with the misery I live in, its not going to stop any time soon, in fact, I dont want to stop using at all, which is why Im going into rehab, as I believe whatever brainwashing the centre does to its clients is my only hope to change my mindset.
My mother is beyond help, Ive spent 2 years asking doctors and mental health care professionals to come and assess her, as she just sends them away, always threateneing to 'sue me' for breaching her confidentiality by talking to health professionals about her without her consent (a load of rubbish I know but shes a little bit mentally ill and extremely thick and nasty). So after yesterday I officially give up, I just need to either a: make it as far as rehab, b: die or c: watch my mother die from emphamsemia or some other smoking related illness. So I wont be advertising these occasional lapses any further due to the stick ill get from other board members, but they still remain the only way I can shut myself off from my pathetic life and horrible mother in the meantime. Once my reduction starts to get into the bsuiness end (50mls and below) ill review my motivation and look again and stopping any on top use, however 'occasional' it may be, but it the meantime, with nothing else in my life and a mother determined to undermine any progress I try to make, its just going to be the way it goes.
Thanks to my dads compassion, I survived what would have otherwise been another awful day living my shite useless life. That shot of gear was fucking lush, It made me feel like a million bucks, and Im not going to apologise to anyone for any comfort I can get at the moment