Thanks to yepyep and Solitude for responding. I was quite high when I wrote that (this is the tripping thread after all) and just felt the need to exhaust something raw and horrible. Appreciate the kind responses, instead of the justifiable, "stop harshing my buzz dude."
Maybe this is weird, but my first question about your post Listening is do you wear glasses? 18pt font is kinda big to be minimum for reading.
This is the problem with posting while high. I didn't even manage to state that the reason my font size was that big (22pt actually, now that I check again) was because I was on MXM+weed. I do need glasses, but I was wearing them! For some reason though, I couldn't manage to read anything without pumping up the font size. I sometimes get weird visual distortions on dissociatives.
I find most of the reasons I hate others is shit I can find in myself too. Can't change others can only change yourself soooooo
Kudos on the lunch meditation. It is really helpful for getting through the day, and super helpful while tripping.
100% right. I went into this relationship with exactly the attitude you're suggesting. At one point I was meditating 1 hour per day, every day, for about two years. I stopped when my first son was born and then resumed, but only sporadically. A lot of my anger is at myself for ultimately finding out that I was not the person that I wished that I was. I pretend to accept what is, and then become angry at the state of my station. I've made some bad choices, and I'm slow to accept my responsibility. Finally, when I'm sad, I can't stand that I'm not everything that I could be for my son.
Before I had a kid, I never thought I would be the type of dad to get *too* close. I mean, I guess I never even knew what love was. Now I've been transformed and I'm all soft. By all rights I should want to scream at this kid, but instead I find myself being patient: waiting, ready to love again.
When my wife says something hurtful to me, I am broken in two. I lose faith. I am angry. I am resentful. I am not a great dad. I am very, very unhappy. I am paralyzed.
Then I start over.
My silly question: What is my intention? What do I wish for myself? Not that I assume that I will necessarily get what I wish for, but, at least I should know what I want, if I know that what I have now is not ok. At what point would it be ok? I cannot answer this question.
I've finally found love, and it has brought hatred with it. This life is self-destructive. Maybe all life is, but it can do it kindly. Perhaps I just wish it to do it kindly.
"Say something pretty while you can." This is what I want for myself and have not yet realized as my rainbow reality.
I really feel compelled to respond to what Listening posted, perhaps because I was struck by the sheer honesty he used in describing his feelings and his situation. Part of me reflexively wants to be helpful or supportive in some way (as much as words on a screen can be), but I know that 'encouragement' from a random internet user can't begin to touch the harsh reality and complexity of existence.
We've all got solitary struggles in life, ones that can't be helped, roads that can't be trudged by anyone but ourselves. That's really the most daunting part of life, to me. "Somehow I have to reach within and hope that the strength and wisdom are there to see me through this fight...."
As we fly so tentatively through space on this pale blue dot, my hope is that light reaches everyone who's out there.
Is that you Carl? Or just some random internet user? Either way, you are loved.
