TheAppleCore
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Jul 14, 2007
- Messages
- 5,511
I set my alarm this Saturday for 6:00 A.M., so I could spend some of my planned psychedelic trip outdoors before the midday heat set in. It was forecast to reach the 90s later that day. Breakfast was a six milligram capsule of 4-HO-MET fumarate, washed down with a fruit smoothie. I intentionally low-balled the dose, because my only prior experience with 4-HO-MET was a ~2 mg intranasal test (which had a surprising kick!).
After an hour and a half had passed, the drug had definitely taken effect, but it was only a strong Plus One (+), or a weak Plus Two at that point -- a bit of stimulation, butterflies in the stomach, and brightened colors. I wanted to dive in deeper, so I took another 10 milligrams.
Maybe forty or fifty minutes later, I began to feel more definitively "trippy". The psychedelic sensory enhancement was very pleasant, and the mood was positive overall. I decided it was time to head outside. I brought my (big, over-ear) headphones so that I could supplement my journey with some psytrance, but I quickly came to regret it. The headphones felt like a ridiculous, unnecessary burden; and anyway, I preferred listening to the ambiance of my neighborhood than psytrance.
I remember specifically noticing that edges and visual contrast were enhanced, like the difference between sunlit and shadowed areas. Tree leaves shimmered with a rich spectrum of greens, from the brightest leaves outstretched in the sun, to the darkest leaves, shaded by the surrounding canopy. If any of you have ever played with the "Ambient Occlusion" graphical parameter in video games, it looked exactly like 4-HO-MET cranked up the A.O. dial in my head.
(No ambient occlusion)
(Ambient occlusion)
I had a lot of stimulating thoughts on my walk, too. I reflected on something I've observed for a long time: that my greatest success seems to come only from being true to myself; whereas, when I try to act in a manner that is contrary to my genuine nature, in order to gain something, I always seem to fall flat on my face. So, what exactly is the difference between being "genuine" and "artificial", I wondered? Is there really no difference? When I accuse myself of being phony, is that really just an excuse for screwing up, when the real explanation is that I didn't know any better? No. It can't be. The difference between the flow of spectacular, creative, loving energy that comes from living "genuinely" is so starkly different, so blatantly superior to the laughably weak stage act that comes from living "artificially", that they have to be two utterly different phenomena. In fact, the difference between living falsely and truly is so great, that it must be the difference between man and God! It is the difference between the mundane and the divine. There was no other explanation, in my mind.
I then pondered the idea that 4-HO-MET was a shallower, less spiritual psychedelic, which I've read here on Bluelight before. I wondered, what does it really mean to claim that a psychedelic is spiritual? If the trip that I'm having right now is lacking something, just what is it lacking? I remembered DMT experiences which absolutely shook the foundation of my perception of reality, and seemed to reveal a mystical thread that ran through the fabric of the universe. This, of course, was a "deep" psychedelic trip, in contrast to the present 4-HO-MET trip, which was more like most of my LSD trips: a bit more grounded. Sadly, that "mystical thread" that DMT revealed to me years ago was very elusive, and although I knew I'd seen it, I couldn't really say what it was. But I was itching to know! After some rumination, I came to the conclusion that the spiritual aspect of psychedelics must have to do with showing you the connection between your consciousness and the material universe. A real deep trip, I decided, lets you in on the secret that the cold, dead, outside world of sticks and stones is sort of an illusion, and it's all really pure consciousness. Everything is alive, in the sense that the entire universe is a giant organ of consciousness.
When it was starting to get uncomfortably hot, and I finally made my way back home, I was feeling on top of the world, so grateful that I was blessed enough to be able to try 4-HO-MET. However, it was at this time that I felt a sudden wave, which plunged me into a new level of psychedelic intensity, replete with vivid, colorful, three-dimensional visuals. My positive mood quickly turned into a sense of dread, fearing the unknown that may await me. I tried to calm myself with reason. I asked myself, "what do I have to be afraid of? What's the worst that could happen?" I realized that, despite the intense psychedelic effects, and despite feeling panicked, I was thinking very clearly and rationally. Certainly I couldn't be going mad, or else I wouldn't be asking myself all of these questions. I would be too busy plotting my escape from the S.W.A.T. team! I decided that the only problem I really had to be concerned about was anxiety itself! All at once, the absurd, circular nature of anxiety about anxiety caused my fear to become trapped in the jaws of common sense, and I was very relieved. I felt empowered and euphoric once again.
Since the visuals were so beautiful, I began to play some music, lay on my bed, and closed my eyes. The most notable visuals I remember contained complete rainbows - repeating geometry filled with red-orange-yellow-green-blue-indigo-violet. Also, I noticed a lot of visuals with shapes like bright streetlights seen at night, with rays of light radiating out from the center in all directions.
After enjoying the music and visuals for awhile, I encountered my next obstacle, and while this is going to sound bizarre, it was probably the most memorable part of the trip, so bear with me! I began feeling what I can only describe as a constant need to urinate, which persisted even after totally emptying my bladder. It became extremely uncomfortable and distracting, and I spent at least a good forty minutes trying to decide how to combat this demon. I knew that, while the apparent trouble was with my bladder, the real difficulty was something else. Perhaps it's a symptom of a health problem; probably not. But that was totally irrelevant to me. If it weren't my bladder, it would be something else. Life isn't perfect, and there's always a problem with something, because Satan is a busy fucker. And it's human nature to pick a problem, and begin to worry about it.
I called this our "targeting anxiety", as opposed to "circumstantial anxiety". Circumstantial anxiety is, as my term suggests, caused by a specific, temporary circumstance, like being pressured by a tight deadline at work. However, "targeting anxiety", I theorized, is deeply rooted in human psychology, and comes up time and time again, no matter who you are, whether you're in the prime of your life with all the money in the world, or an old ailing beggar. It just happens because it happens, and it always finds a target. Right now, for me, that target was my bladder.
So what is the solution? How can I get my mind off of this terrible discomfort, I asked? Do I need to see a doctor? Well, maybe, but I kept reminding myself, "Sure, they probably have a pill for that, but that doesn't solve anything! Just as soon as you solve one problem, your anxious mind will jump to the next! You can't relax your mind by solving individual problems. You need to learn to cope with an unsolved problem!" So I set my mind to the task of coping with the unbearable constant need to urinate. And finally, sure as the sun rises in the East, I did it! I was able to flip my bodily perception 180 degrees, so that the pelvic sensation became positive, rather than negative! As soon as I learned to see the glass as half-full, so to speak, the sensation provoked a euphoric, slightly sexual stimulation. Rather than being an irritating side effect, it melded into a pleasant body high! I was shocked that I had the ability to change my perception of my body so dramatically, and I think it serves as a salutary lesson in the power of positive thinking.
I noticed that the 4-HO and 4-AcO tryptamines, along with DMT itself, shared a similar character, which was very distinct from LSD and most of the phenethylamines I've tried. While contemplating this on 4-HO-MET, I became totally convinced that these differences could be described by analogy to user-controlled parameters in a machine, or computer program. For example, in Adobe Photoshop, you can apply many effects called "adjustments" or "filters" to an image, which can be influenced by a number of parameters, linked to slider controls. Some of these parameters affect the entire image more or less equally, like brightness and contrast. Some image adjustments have parameters that only affect a certain range of colors, like the greens, and leave everything else alone -- these adjustments are more specific. It struck me that, if psychedelics are like substances that control the parameters of the human mind, tryptamines like 4-HO-MET control a small handful of basic parameters, which affect the entire conscious mind as a whole; whereas, LSD and many phenethylamines appear to tweak a great number of parameters which influence more specific, limited areas of the mind.
Later, as the drug was wearing off, my parents came to me for advice. My dad's a business owner, and he has an employee who is a bit of a boss' pet (we'll call her X), so to speak. She is always giving him gifts to get on his good side, and when she heard that it was my mom's birthday, she bought him a cake, and gave it to him to take home to his wife. Unfortunately, mom doesn't like cake much in the first place, and she especially detested this one. Mom said, "I want to give the cake to your father, so that he can take it to work to share with the rest of his employees. Maybe they'll enjoy it, and then it won't go to waste. But then X might be offended! Maybe I'll just throw away the cake, and tell her that I liked it." I said, "Don't be ridiculous. You need to be honest, and tell her that you hated the cake, or else she'll buy you one every time it's your birthday, and you'll throw away cake after cake!"
Well, I was disappointed to see that, after convening with Dad, they decided to go with option B: pitch the cake and say they liked it. In my still-altered state of consciousness, I found this to be absolutely hilarious. It was exactly the type of scenario that you find in sit-coms: people doing silly things to hide the truth. I had a good belly laugh about that one!
That evening, Dad took Mom, my sister and I out to dinner as a birthday celebration. I ate well, but I felt very restlessly nervous the whole time. Not about anything in particular. It was just, well... targeting anxiety.
After an hour and a half had passed, the drug had definitely taken effect, but it was only a strong Plus One (+), or a weak Plus Two at that point -- a bit of stimulation, butterflies in the stomach, and brightened colors. I wanted to dive in deeper, so I took another 10 milligrams.
Maybe forty or fifty minutes later, I began to feel more definitively "trippy". The psychedelic sensory enhancement was very pleasant, and the mood was positive overall. I decided it was time to head outside. I brought my (big, over-ear) headphones so that I could supplement my journey with some psytrance, but I quickly came to regret it. The headphones felt like a ridiculous, unnecessary burden; and anyway, I preferred listening to the ambiance of my neighborhood than psytrance.
I remember specifically noticing that edges and visual contrast were enhanced, like the difference between sunlit and shadowed areas. Tree leaves shimmered with a rich spectrum of greens, from the brightest leaves outstretched in the sun, to the darkest leaves, shaded by the surrounding canopy. If any of you have ever played with the "Ambient Occlusion" graphical parameter in video games, it looked exactly like 4-HO-MET cranked up the A.O. dial in my head.
(No ambient occlusion)
(Ambient occlusion)
I had a lot of stimulating thoughts on my walk, too. I reflected on something I've observed for a long time: that my greatest success seems to come only from being true to myself; whereas, when I try to act in a manner that is contrary to my genuine nature, in order to gain something, I always seem to fall flat on my face. So, what exactly is the difference between being "genuine" and "artificial", I wondered? Is there really no difference? When I accuse myself of being phony, is that really just an excuse for screwing up, when the real explanation is that I didn't know any better? No. It can't be. The difference between the flow of spectacular, creative, loving energy that comes from living "genuinely" is so starkly different, so blatantly superior to the laughably weak stage act that comes from living "artificially", that they have to be two utterly different phenomena. In fact, the difference between living falsely and truly is so great, that it must be the difference between man and God! It is the difference between the mundane and the divine. There was no other explanation, in my mind.
I then pondered the idea that 4-HO-MET was a shallower, less spiritual psychedelic, which I've read here on Bluelight before. I wondered, what does it really mean to claim that a psychedelic is spiritual? If the trip that I'm having right now is lacking something, just what is it lacking? I remembered DMT experiences which absolutely shook the foundation of my perception of reality, and seemed to reveal a mystical thread that ran through the fabric of the universe. This, of course, was a "deep" psychedelic trip, in contrast to the present 4-HO-MET trip, which was more like most of my LSD trips: a bit more grounded. Sadly, that "mystical thread" that DMT revealed to me years ago was very elusive, and although I knew I'd seen it, I couldn't really say what it was. But I was itching to know! After some rumination, I came to the conclusion that the spiritual aspect of psychedelics must have to do with showing you the connection between your consciousness and the material universe. A real deep trip, I decided, lets you in on the secret that the cold, dead, outside world of sticks and stones is sort of an illusion, and it's all really pure consciousness. Everything is alive, in the sense that the entire universe is a giant organ of consciousness.
When it was starting to get uncomfortably hot, and I finally made my way back home, I was feeling on top of the world, so grateful that I was blessed enough to be able to try 4-HO-MET. However, it was at this time that I felt a sudden wave, which plunged me into a new level of psychedelic intensity, replete with vivid, colorful, three-dimensional visuals. My positive mood quickly turned into a sense of dread, fearing the unknown that may await me. I tried to calm myself with reason. I asked myself, "what do I have to be afraid of? What's the worst that could happen?" I realized that, despite the intense psychedelic effects, and despite feeling panicked, I was thinking very clearly and rationally. Certainly I couldn't be going mad, or else I wouldn't be asking myself all of these questions. I would be too busy plotting my escape from the S.W.A.T. team! I decided that the only problem I really had to be concerned about was anxiety itself! All at once, the absurd, circular nature of anxiety about anxiety caused my fear to become trapped in the jaws of common sense, and I was very relieved. I felt empowered and euphoric once again.
Since the visuals were so beautiful, I began to play some music, lay on my bed, and closed my eyes. The most notable visuals I remember contained complete rainbows - repeating geometry filled with red-orange-yellow-green-blue-indigo-violet. Also, I noticed a lot of visuals with shapes like bright streetlights seen at night, with rays of light radiating out from the center in all directions.
After enjoying the music and visuals for awhile, I encountered my next obstacle, and while this is going to sound bizarre, it was probably the most memorable part of the trip, so bear with me! I began feeling what I can only describe as a constant need to urinate, which persisted even after totally emptying my bladder. It became extremely uncomfortable and distracting, and I spent at least a good forty minutes trying to decide how to combat this demon. I knew that, while the apparent trouble was with my bladder, the real difficulty was something else. Perhaps it's a symptom of a health problem; probably not. But that was totally irrelevant to me. If it weren't my bladder, it would be something else. Life isn't perfect, and there's always a problem with something, because Satan is a busy fucker. And it's human nature to pick a problem, and begin to worry about it.
I called this our "targeting anxiety", as opposed to "circumstantial anxiety". Circumstantial anxiety is, as my term suggests, caused by a specific, temporary circumstance, like being pressured by a tight deadline at work. However, "targeting anxiety", I theorized, is deeply rooted in human psychology, and comes up time and time again, no matter who you are, whether you're in the prime of your life with all the money in the world, or an old ailing beggar. It just happens because it happens, and it always finds a target. Right now, for me, that target was my bladder.
So what is the solution? How can I get my mind off of this terrible discomfort, I asked? Do I need to see a doctor? Well, maybe, but I kept reminding myself, "Sure, they probably have a pill for that, but that doesn't solve anything! Just as soon as you solve one problem, your anxious mind will jump to the next! You can't relax your mind by solving individual problems. You need to learn to cope with an unsolved problem!" So I set my mind to the task of coping with the unbearable constant need to urinate. And finally, sure as the sun rises in the East, I did it! I was able to flip my bodily perception 180 degrees, so that the pelvic sensation became positive, rather than negative! As soon as I learned to see the glass as half-full, so to speak, the sensation provoked a euphoric, slightly sexual stimulation. Rather than being an irritating side effect, it melded into a pleasant body high! I was shocked that I had the ability to change my perception of my body so dramatically, and I think it serves as a salutary lesson in the power of positive thinking.
I noticed that the 4-HO and 4-AcO tryptamines, along with DMT itself, shared a similar character, which was very distinct from LSD and most of the phenethylamines I've tried. While contemplating this on 4-HO-MET, I became totally convinced that these differences could be described by analogy to user-controlled parameters in a machine, or computer program. For example, in Adobe Photoshop, you can apply many effects called "adjustments" or "filters" to an image, which can be influenced by a number of parameters, linked to slider controls. Some of these parameters affect the entire image more or less equally, like brightness and contrast. Some image adjustments have parameters that only affect a certain range of colors, like the greens, and leave everything else alone -- these adjustments are more specific. It struck me that, if psychedelics are like substances that control the parameters of the human mind, tryptamines like 4-HO-MET control a small handful of basic parameters, which affect the entire conscious mind as a whole; whereas, LSD and many phenethylamines appear to tweak a great number of parameters which influence more specific, limited areas of the mind.
Later, as the drug was wearing off, my parents came to me for advice. My dad's a business owner, and he has an employee who is a bit of a boss' pet (we'll call her X), so to speak. She is always giving him gifts to get on his good side, and when she heard that it was my mom's birthday, she bought him a cake, and gave it to him to take home to his wife. Unfortunately, mom doesn't like cake much in the first place, and she especially detested this one. Mom said, "I want to give the cake to your father, so that he can take it to work to share with the rest of his employees. Maybe they'll enjoy it, and then it won't go to waste. But then X might be offended! Maybe I'll just throw away the cake, and tell her that I liked it." I said, "Don't be ridiculous. You need to be honest, and tell her that you hated the cake, or else she'll buy you one every time it's your birthday, and you'll throw away cake after cake!"
Well, I was disappointed to see that, after convening with Dad, they decided to go with option B: pitch the cake and say they liked it. In my still-altered state of consciousness, I found this to be absolutely hilarious. It was exactly the type of scenario that you find in sit-coms: people doing silly things to hide the truth. I had a good belly laugh about that one!
That evening, Dad took Mom, my sister and I out to dinner as a birthday celebration. I ate well, but I felt very restlessly nervous the whole time. Not about anything in particular. It was just, well... targeting anxiety.
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Tryptamines are great. I'm planning a high-dose tryptamine experience soon with my friend... we've discovered a great formula for having incredibly immersive and powerful tryptamine experiences: take 30-40mg of a 4-sub-tryptamine, combine with 10mg of 4-HO-MET (if available - because it provides more warmth than others), and 30-40mg of MXE, mix into a glass of water, and drink all at once. Then sit down and have music playing because shit it going to get weird quickly. I've done this with 4-AcO-DMT as well as with 4-AcO-DET... this coming time it will probably be 4-AcO-DMT again.