grand mal seizure after xan and coke binge, help recovery

[Mafioso]

Hey looking for advice for recovering from a grand mal seizure related(directly I'm pretty sure) to a 2 month long xanax binge. I couldn't tell you my exact dose as I was getting 2mg bars by the hundred. average day would be 4-8mgs, some days exceeding 12+. Was using coke to keep me up for the majority of it, then about 3-4 weeks ago I began a fairly rapid, not well planned taper. I lack self control with these things, so tapering didn't really go as planned. I realize the stupidity of my decisions now, after having a near death experience. Wish it didn't take all this to come to this conclusion, but it is what it is. No going back now. Anyways, 3 days ago was the day of the incident.

I would just like some advice on dealing with and recovering from the seizure I had. I am afraid to tell my family and parents what really happened, just been playing dumb about it all like I don't remember. I think they have their suspicions but as much as it hurts to say, the fewer people that know about it the better. Idk if I'll be able to handle the way they would react, and if I did tell them there is a large chance of having to cope with it on my own anyways, so I'll just cope with it on my own and save the headache and worry.

Just looking for things to avoid, like I notice I am extremely sensitive to heat now. Also, I feel a numbness throughout my whole body- like a drunk numb feeling without the drunken stupor, just numb. My brain doesn't seem to be functioning properly yet either, feeling like I underwent some brain damage- and looking at my doses and I propably did.....anyways, share your story if you have one. would like to hear.

Thanks, take care.

 

[5StarSquatHotel]

Stay away from uppers, they can be a trigger. I would keep your Xanax dose consistent if still using it, if not look into Pregablin as it can be great for preventing fits.

 

[Mafioso]

ok thanks for the advice. I have quit using all drugs- tried taking a few hits of weed since then and it hasn't been an enjoyable experience for me, so abstaining from all until I am better. I wasn't on the xanax for long, just long enough at high enough doses(really high looking back....) to get me physically addicted to it I guess.

I am mostly worried about returning back to work as I do physically demanding labor in the sun, sometimes longer than 12hrs a day. It's been about 3 days since the incident and I still don't feel close to 100%. I still feel very dizzy and faint, similar to how I felt immediately before the seizure. More of a numb, distant like feeling, similar to that of being drunk without the drunkenness. Haven't touched alcohol. Just eating and sleeping, drinking tons of water.

Any support/advice would be much appreciated. Thinking I should possibly move this to recovery/support?
Thanks, be safe everyone.

 

[PriestTheyCalledHim]

Stay away from all drugs as you have been doing.

I would talk to a doctor or medical professional, and be honest with them telling them how you took large doses of benzos and were using cocaine, and how you had a grand-mal seizure.

Or if you can check into a detox/rehab centre since benzo withdrawal is no joke and people have died from it.

Do talk to your family about what happened, and get help. There's nothing wrong with this and it doesn't make you a weak person or a failure.

Good luck, and stay safe.

 

[pasha]

other drugs -> the dark side

 

[Mafioso]

Stay away from all drugs as you have been doing.

I would talk to a doctor or medical professional, and be honest with them telling them how you took large doses of benzos and were using cocaine, and how you had a grand-mal seizure.

Or if you can check into a detox/rehab centre since benzo withdrawal is no joke and people have died from it.

Do talk to your family about what happened, and get help. There's nothing wrong with this and it doesn't make you a weak person or a failure.

Good luck, and stay safe.

I want to, but I don't know how to be honest. I suppose just blurting out the truth would be one way, but being that my dad isn't exactly stable and hasn't been for a while, makes me really nervous to tell him anything further. Irrational violence isn't foreign to him, and given that my mother would probably be the recipient of such irrational anger and violence, likely behind closed doors when no one else is around..... I can't do that to my family, not consciously so. My brother and sister might understand, but I wouldn't put lying for me on their conscious. Since the recovery process seems really similar for seizures, regardless of cause, I don't really see the harm(other than dishonesty....) in keeping it from my parents. Perhaps in prevention of a relapse it might be beneficial to reach out for help and support, but I don't really feel comfortable at all reaching out to the ones that are available...the idea of going through this alone is more comforting. Maybe that is just cowardice. I don't think I can handle the anxiety right now, I don't even like thinking about it. My dad has been accusing me of being a drug addict since I was 15-16, I didn't try my first drug until 19-20. Our relationship has been less than ideal... just recently have I been telling him that I love him and god damn that is some of the hardest words to say to someone so unstable. Almost hurts me to admit my love, let alone all the nasty details of our relationship. I've already come to accept the fact that I will probably never have a relationship that I will consider "close" or "safe" with my dad. Just the way it is... trying anything else seems so risky and unpredictable, I really really don't like the way it makes me feel.

I've been clean for 2 weeks now, possibly a little longer. It was a relatively short, but aggressive binge. The one nice thing about the seizure is that it removed(for now at least) most of my desire for drugs. It would be nice to be able to smoke a bowl or have a beer at night, but the way it affects me now is no longer enjoyable. I believe myself to be mostly out of the extreme dangers of xan w/ds, but still understand I have a long road to recovery.

I will try to remain as open to outside ideas as possible, I just am hesitant to do anything more than I already have and make a bad situation worse. Thanks for all the advice and imput, will be taken to heart either way.

Anything besides food and rest that I can do to help my body recover quicker? thanks again for taking the time to read through this.

 

[PriestTheyCalledHim]

I want to, but I don't know how to be honest. I suppose just blurting out the truth would be one way, but being that my dad isn't exactly stable and hasn't been for a while, makes me really nervous to tell him anything further. Irrational violence isn't foreign to him, and given that my mother would probably be the recipient of such irrational anger and violence, likely behind closed doors when no one else is around..... I can't do that to my family, not consciously so. My brother and sister might understand, but I wouldn't put lying for me on their conscious. Since the recovery process seems really similar for seizures, regardless of cause, I don't really see the harm(other than dishonesty....) in keeping it from my parents. Perhaps in prevention of a relapse it might be beneficial to reach out for help and support, but I don't really feel comfortable at all reaching out to the ones that are available...the idea of going through this alone is more comforting. Maybe that is just cowardice. I don't think I can handle the anxiety right now, I don't even like thinking about it. My dad has been accusing me of being a drug addict since I was 15-16, I didn't try my first drug until 19-20. Our relationship has been less than ideal... just recently have I been telling him that I love him and god damn that is some of the hardest words to say to someone so unstable. Almost hurts me to admit my love, let alone all the nasty details of our relationship. I've already come to accept the fact that I will probably never have a relationship that I will consider "close" or "safe" with my dad. Just the way it is... trying anything else seems so risky and unpredictable, I really really don't like the way it makes me feel.

I've been clean for 2 weeks now, possibly a little longer. It was a relatively short, but aggressive binge. The one nice thing about the seizure is that it removed(for now at least) most of my desire for drugs. It would be nice to be able to smoke a bowl or have a beer at night, but the way it affects me now is no longer enjoyable. I believe myself to be mostly out of the extreme dangers of xan w/ds, but still understand I have a long road to recovery.

I will try to remain as open to outside ideas as possible, I just am hesitant to do anything more than I already have and make a bad situation worse. Thanks for all the advice and imput, will be taken to heart either way.

Anything besides food and rest that I can do to help my body recover quicker? thanks again for taking the time to read through this.

Can you go to see a doctor and follow the advice they give you when you tell them what happened, and hoe you had a seizure, and which drugs you were using?

OK so maybe you should not tell your dad but do talk to either your brother or sister.

Good luck, and stay safe.

 

[herbavore]

I really second the advice to go to a doctor and let them know what occurred.

It's really great that you got the gift that you did (zero desire for drugs) from such a terrifying and horrific experience(the seizure). There is not one thing in the world when it comes to the brain that cannot benefit from the EFAs in fish oil. To get one that is mercury-free is somewhat expensive but if you can do it, I would recommend it.

Is there any way that you can get some more time off work without jeopardizing your job?

 

[Mafioso]

I really second the advice to go to a doctor and let them know what occurred.

It's really great that you got the gift that you did (zero desire for drugs) from such a terrifying and horrific experience(the seizure). There is not one thing in the world when it comes to the brain that cannot benefit from the EFAs in fish oil. To get one that is mercury-free is somewhat expensive but if you can do it, I would recommend it.

Is there any way that you can get some more time off work without jeopardizing your job?

I had recently passed up a pretty good job offer, it was at the beginning of a 2-3 month long binge. So I already lost that, it isn't that big of a worry. I was already enrolled in school, facing the reality that I am much further behind in my job skills than I had planned, I was ok with taking a minor pay cut for better job opportunities. Then family dilemma and old drug connect provide the makings for a perfect storm, and well, here we are now....

So long as I take advantage of my time off, I can use it to progress some job skills I might not otherwise have the time. It isn't a total end all to my career, and could provide some benefits so long as I make use of my time like stated.

Money, fortunately this time around, isn't much of a concern for me as I stopped long before that became an issue... I am capable enough and there is enough work in my field that it isn't hard to get pick up labor type job or even skilled labor type jobs, etc. The big thing is staying clean and being able to pass drug tests as well as just having a clear, sober mind.

The real worry is figuring out how to reconcile all of this with my family. I feel as though talking to my dad is out of the question, given his instability and the way it plays on my emotions. Confessing to my mom would mean asking her to lie to my dad and then not to mention having to fess up to the rest of my family. As if they already don't look at me through the corner of their eyes.

The doctor is a family doctor, and I understand that medical records are private, but I still feel afraid that telling the truth might somehow jepordize my future employment. maybe that is just paranoia, but I do not feel safe talking to anyone that there might be a trail back to my family.

I'm afraid to talk to anyone about it because I don't want it to be public info, but I also don't want to charge anyone with keeping my secrets.

Sorry if I'm not making sense... I just don't feel safe.. i'm sure this wont be so important when I am clean and free but right now I don't feel like I'm able to defend myself. I don't like feeling vulnerable and not knowing what is next to come.

 

[herbavore]

Well, if you feel vulnerable then maybe now is not a good time to talk to your family or the family doctor. I know both Priest and I recommended that simply from the fact that secrecy can cause shame and shame can feed relapses. But you know better than any internet stranger what your particular situation is, so whatever you think is best is most assuredly what you should do. You are already using Bluelight for support but do you feel that will be enough to see you through?

Whatever you do, I know that each passing day sober will help you feel less vulnerable.

 

[Tryptamine*Dreamer]

Maybe take vitamins and large doses of antioxidant along with the fish oil herbavore suggested - they have some neuroprotective properties - stopping damage from free radicals and that could help you recover better.
And healthy eating and sleeping habits are a must.

Peace and love
Tryptamine*Dreamer

 

[Mafioso]

I really second the advice to go to a doctor and let them know what occurred.

It's really great that you got the gift that you did (zero desire for drugs) from such a terrifying and horrific experience(the seizure). There is not one thing in the world when it comes to the brain that cannot benefit from the EFAs in fish oil. To get one that is mercury-free is somewhat expensive but if you can do it, I would recommend it.

Is there any way that you can get some more time off work without jeopardizing your job?

Thanks for the reply and advice. I've been taking fish oil supplements along with a few vitamins as well as protien shake and trying to eat somewhat healthy. The past few days I've been doing very light work outs, like only a fraction of what I used to do though. I am still a little afraid to push myself as it feels different now when I start to get tired. I start to feel a little dizzy and distant, almost like I'm going to pass out or start seizing again. I hope it's more of a phobia as I can't bring myself to come clean to my parents.

The truth be told, I don't desire that close of a relationship with my parents anymore. In all reality I need distance, I need to start my own life. There is so much about them that I know they have been dishonest, lied, or just omitted things from their lives only for me to find out unintentionally later on in life. All these secrets... I catch them lying to me all the time and just play dumb like I don't know better- but i do. So I treat them the same. I want to end the cycle, but neither me nor my parents now how to confront something like this without creating more problems, more fights.... more unnecessary shit.

I'm supposed to go see a neurologist.. the doctors office called me twice today and I just ignored the call, don't plan on calling them back. I figure if I can't come clean and tell them what really happened why waste any more of out time and money on doctors visits and specialists when in all likelihood they will just end up saying they are unsure of the cause. I know the cause. What more should be said? what more should be done? Other than staying sober, eating healthy, exercise, and studying what else is there that I can do? I doubt taking some pill will offer a solution. I don't know what else the doctor can prescribe... I guess it's just a matter of learning to live with the damage that has been done, try not to get too down on myself.

thanks for the advice, I try to take it to heart as much as possible but idk if I am a man of many options at this point.

 

[herbavore]

The truth be told, I don't desire that close of a relationship with my parents anymore. In all reality I need distance, I need to start my own life. There is so much about them that I know they have been dishonest, lied, or just omitted things from their lives only for me to find out unintentionally later on in life. All these secrets... I catch them lying to me all the time and just play dumb like I don't know better- but i do. So I treat them the same. I want to end the cycle, but neither me nor my parents now how to confront something like this without creating more problems, more fights.... more unnecessary shit.

Are you old enough/in any position to create some distance in the near future when you feel a bit more stable?

I'm supposed to go see a neurologist.. the doctors office called me twice today and I just ignored the call, don't plan on calling them back. I figure if I can't come clean and tell them what really happened why waste any more of out time and money on doctors visits and specialists when in all likelihood they will just end up saying they are unsure of the cause. I know the cause. What more should be said? what more should be done? Other than staying sober, eating healthy, exercise, and studying what else is there that I can do? I doubt taking some pill will offer a solution. I don't know what else the doctor can prescribe... I guess it's just a matter of learning to live with the damage that has been done, try not to get too down on myself.

If you are over 18 there are confidentiality laws that are intended to protect you so that you can tell a doctor everything. Also, try not to imagine that you have done any permanent damage--you don't know and so assuming that will only cause stress and stress is not what you need right now.

thanks for the advice, I try to take it to heart as much as possible but idk if I am a man of many options at this point.

well, I have no idea if any advice I ever give is relevant but one thing that I can offer that is relevant is a place to safely discuss what's going on. Sometimes it helps to just be able to talk freely without worrying about advice at all.

 

[Mafioso]

Are you old enough/in any position to create some distance in the near future when you feel a bit more stable?



If you are over 18 there are confidentiality laws that are intended to protect you so that you can tell a doctor everything. Also, try not to imagine that you have done any permanent damage--you don't know and so assuming that will only cause stress and stress is not what you need right now.



well, I have no idea if any advice I ever give is relevant but one thing that I can offer that is relevant is a place to safely discuss what's going on. Sometimes it helps to just be able to talk freely without worrying about advice at all.

thanks again for the reply and advice. I am about to turn 26, so yeah I am more than old enough an capable of getting a job(had some decent job offers I turned down because I was in the midst of my binge, but can still get work relatively easily) but it is physically and mentally demanding work, often times in very hot environments... I know because of this concern I really should have gone to see the neurologist as my doctor offered to help get me in before I turn 26 and get kicked off my parents insurance plan. I haven't really been in the best mindset and because of that have been making poor choices. It is hard for me to be around family, but being alone doesn't seem to be very good for me either. Close friends have mostly faded. I don't currently live with my parents but I do live in their first house they bought that I have recently finished remodeling. I've relapsed and bought a bunch of vicodin to help cope with my anxieties, fears, and I suppose loneliness. Although I have been able to control myself and only take partial pills, about 1-2mgs of hydrocodone at a time and have drastically reduced my cannabis intake to less than a gram a day(down from 3gs+ for years) this habit does worry me and I know it must end.

The problem with me moving away is that every time I do I wind up worrying about my mother so much sleep becomes an issue. My home life has never been what I would consider to be stable, besides my mother unwavering love for me and my siblings. My father on the other hand... well I realize now has been dealing with a range of mental and emotional disorders/problems most his life, or at least most of mine. He may have some sort of official diagnosis but I have been left in the dark about it, I have found out from my older brother that he has been on anti-anxiety meds, pain meds, and a range of others for most of our lives, probably even longer..

The issue comes to the fact that my mother refuses to leave him and is much smaller in size... well I guess the real issue is that my father will become aggressive and violent seemingly unprovoked and unpredictable. I have been saying for a while to my family that I believe he has onset alzheimers or dementia(he is 70) but no one seems to listen, probably think I am the crazy one. A big trigger to my last binge was the fact that I became victim to his blind rage one night.. brings up a lot of childhood memories I prefer not to think about.

My big worry now is going back to work and having a seizure or stroke triggered by heat/exhaustion/stress. Also another thing plaguing my mind is the constant worry that my mom is being victimized and just not telling anyone about it. I've lost countless nights of sleep over this. Sometimes I go home just to make sure nothing is getting out of hand.. This is why I feel that I can't create too much distance.. I feel that my mom needs me more than ever and after all that she has done for me I can not abandon and walk away, as much as I want to at times.

I really don't know what to do.... so I just lie in bed most the day watching videos or documentaries, eating small low dose of vicodin and taking a rip or two... just enough to keep me slightly sedated and in bed..

 

[herbavore]

I always hate to see the one person in a family that sees things as they are get labelled or perceived as the crazy one.8( Your mom has obviously rationalised your Dad's behavior and sacrificed herself for the notion that her kids are better off if the marriage is intact. It's so hard to watch people become victims in their own minds, seeing no real way out. It's sad that the rest of your siblings can't get together with you and some kind of counselor and have an intervention with your Dad. Someone needs to call his bluff. He only has the power that everyone gives him at this point.

Don't internalise all this stuff, mafioso. You grew up, like most of us, in craziness. The nuclear family breeds that as much as it also can give stability and love. It's a crap shoot who you get for parents, who they got and on and on as far back as you can go in the chain. All any of us can do is to keep our eyes and hearts open. Create the kind of relationships you want and need outside of your family. This can give you strength for effecting change within your self and within your family of origin. You say the old friends have faded away. Is there anything that you could see yourself getting involved in as a volunteer that would get you out of the house and connected to a new group of people with a minimum of anxiety?

Try to start right where you are and be gentle with yourself. If you are watching videos and documentaries, try to include spiritual teachers, inspiring individuals, TED talks, self-help. Even if nothing completely speaks to you there is usually one little nugget of usefulness to be gleaned.

Take care. You have a big heart. Having raised two sons with sensitive natures and big hearts I have come to the conclusion that there is a particular kind of difficulty for guys with natures such as this. The world is particularly cruel to guys that dare show it. Stay strong and don't let shame creep into your thinking--that just breeds fatalism and we all know where that leads.8(

 

[Mafioso]

I always hate to see the one person in a family that sees things as they are get labelled or perceived as the crazy one.8( Your mom has obviously rationalised your Dad's behavior and sacrificed herself for the notion that her kids are better off if the marriage is intact. It's so hard to watch people become victims in their own minds, seeing no real way out. It's sad that the rest of your siblings can't get together with you and some kind of counselor and have an intervention with your Dad. Someone needs to call his bluff. He only has the power that everyone gives him at this point.

Don't internalise all this stuff, mafioso. You grew up, like most of us, in craziness. The nuclear family breeds that as much as it also can give stability and love. It's a crap shoot who you get for parents, who they got and on and on as far back as you can go in the chain. All any of us can do is to keep our eyes and hearts open. Create the kind of relationships you want and need outside of your family. This can give you strength for effecting change within your self and within your family of origin. You say the old friends have faded away. Is there anything that you could see yourself getting involved in as a volunteer that would get you out of the house and connected to a new group of people with a minimum of anxiety?

Try to start right where you are and be gentle with yourself. If you are watching videos and documentaries, try to include spiritual teachers, inspiring individuals, TED talks, self-help. Even if nothing completely speaks to you there is usually one little nugget of usefulness to be gleaned.

Take care. You have a big heart. Having raised two sons with sensitive natures and big hearts I have come to the conclusion that there is a particular kind of difficulty for guys with natures such as this. The world is particularly cruel to guys that dare show it. Stay strong and don't let shame creep into your thinking--that just breeds fatalism and we all know where that leads.8(

thank you so much for you reply... it really means a lot. tears well up in my eyes as I read this because so much of it reads true.

I've been wanting to volunteer actually, funny that you say that. I used to be religious for a very short period of time, but that time I do remember being much happier from the connections i was making. I really want to work with troubled youth, I feel like if there was a way I could offer myself ans reach out to some younger kids maybe I could deter them form heading down the same path as I did. Kids who don't have a role model or someone to look up to. I know I'd have to clean myself up before I do that and actually become someone they can look up to. Do you know of any non-religious groups that do this sort of thing? I've thought about going to NA meetings with a friend but they all say that "god" is the answer essentially and it's something that sounds so silly to me I'd probably be angered.

thanks again for the time and words you shared.