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Alcoholism Discussion Thread Version 7.0

This month has been kind of challenging. I almost wish they would've told me my liver results came back abnormal again because I've found myself rationalizing that they're ok now so drinking sometimes won't hurt.
 
This month has been kind of challenging. I almost wish they would've told me my liver results came back abnormal again because I've found myself rationalizing that they're ok now so drinking sometimes won't hurt.

In my experience, my mind will always find some rationalization or excuse to drink (thought that voice is like a whisper at best today). Its what you do after that thought that counts.

For me, it comes down to the fact that drinking causes me tremendous consequences every time I do it and if I want to be happy then I cannot drink anymore. Even if not drinking at the the time is making me feel uncomfortable.
 
In my experience, my mind will always find some rationalization or excuse to drink (thought that voice is like a whisper at best today). Its what you do after that thought that counts.

For me, it comes down to the fact that drinking causes me tremendous consequences every time I do it and if I want to be happy then I cannot drink anymore. Even if not drinking at the the time is making me feel uncomfortable.

Exactly, well said.
 
Blah... 6 day bender. Haven't had one of those in a while... Fourth of July yay, let's party! Everyone else is. Might as well get started a few days earlier. 6 days later I'm wondering what the hell happened for the majority of that time and why I feel like I need to shit but I can't. Lay back down, get up still feel like I have to but nothing. That went on for about an hour before I decided it was time to go to urgent care. Get there and tell them I need to lay down and I'm not waiting to get inline... Doctor comes out and says I need to go to the ER... Nope no thanks, rather die than pay for that (well almost). Come back home and a short while later that I'm back I run to the bathroom again and don't quite make it and up getting the liquid shits on my pants and floor, sit down and give birth to probably the worst shit I've ever passed in my life. So there I am drunk and praying to god that I can pass this thing without completely destroying my rectum.

Either way, I have little doubt that I had an impaction I'm guessing probably from being severely dehydrated and I was very lucky to be able to pass it. And what do I do later? Walk to the damn store and buy more wine not even really remembering doing so and proceed to black out more for the rest of the night and scare my friends with nonsensical bipolar alcoholic rambling. Sometimes I really don't know wtf is wrong with me, and in all honestly sometimes I don't know what triggers my binges. I can control it sometimes like last month when I only drank a handful of times, but other times I just go completely off the wagon, which in turn I guess it means I really can't control it. Either way I gotta figure something out because every time I find myself on the end of a binge I feel like I've taken years off my life. It had been 3+ months since my last one honestly, but this one was pretty bad and the first time I thought I might actually have to go to the hospital. Not fucking worth it at all.
 
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Damn Nutskin! That sound fecal as hell.
Blah... 6 day bender. Haven't had one of those in a while... Fourth of July yay, let's party! Everyone else is. Might as well get started a few days earlier. 6 days later I'm wondering what the hell happened for the majority of that time and why I feel like I need to shit but I can't. Lay back down, get up still feel like I have to but nothing. That went on for about an hour before I decided it was time to go to urgent care. Get there and tell them I need to lay down and I'm not waiting to get inline... Doctor comes out and says I need to go to the ER... Nope no thanks, rather die than pay for that (well almost). Come back home and a short while later that I'm back I run to the bathroom again and don't quite make it and up getting the liquid shits on my pants and floor, sit down and give birth to probably the worst shit I've ever passed in my life. So there I am drunk and praying to god that I can pass this thing without completely destroying my rectum.

Either way, I have little doubt that I had an impaction I'm guessing probably from being severely dehydrated and I was very lucky to be able to pass it. And what do I do later? Walk to the damn store and buy more wine not even really remembering doing so and proceed to black out more for the rest of the night and scare my friends with nonsensical bipolar alcoholic rambling. Sometimes I really don't know wtf is wrong with me.
 
Because of Americas favorite drug, Alcohol..... I, a 20 year old male, vomit fairly large quantities of blood on a regular basis. I drink around a half gallon of vodka a day every day, or I will drink everclear 180 proof vodka straight so i wont have to consume as much. I didnt realize how physically and psychologically addictive alcohol was until i woke up one morning with none, experienced sharp and almost painful auditory hallucinations and violently uncontrollable shakes, i couldnt even walk to the bathroom to vomit because of it. I was sweating profusely and my chest felt like it was a bomb about to blow. I had to call the ambulance for myself and have many times since. It was one of the most dysphoric experiences in my entire life, one of the few times i contemplated putting a gun to my face. Ever since that morning 1 year ago, i CANNOT go a day without drinking and i will go to any length to get any booze, ive taken a shot of rubbing alcohol once out of desperation, literally fermented my own ethyl alcohol in my closet from yeast and sugar in case i might run out of store bought, attempted extracting and drinking alcohol in hand sanitizers, mouthwash's, etc. You name it if it had alcohol ive drank it at least once to combat the withdrawl. I feel like a hardcore heroin addict and the sad thing is people in my community literally dont even know or acknowledge that alcohol is a drug at all and many of them still demonize cannabis. Because of my situation i am getting Vivitrol, its a shot you get in your ass that contains the drug Naltrexone which makes it so you cant get drunk (it also is used for opiate addiction), it has an extended release of about a month then you have to get another shot each time it wears off. They are highly expensive shots, im going to have to drive 3 hours to get it each month, and on top of it all the doctor wont prescribe me a klonopin taper even though ive been told by many qualified professionals that im at a high risk for seizures. Ive been kicked out of multiple colleges including Berklee College of Music due to my alcohol induced dysfunction. This morning i woke up sweating, forced myself to take shots until i didnt immediately throw one up, then id repeat that process until i had downed 10. I couldnt eat until 7pm because id throw up what i ate including some blood to go along with it. I eat 2 entire pizzas throughout the night and then drink myself to sleep and repeat the process. I used to smoke weed, do psychedelics, enjoy life. Now i cant do ANY of it without extreme panic attacks. alcohol has enslaved me, made me feel like an old man, ruined all my future prospects, and every day all i can see is advertisements for it, all my family drinks it and does just fine, all my friends drink it and have a good time, and I cant. I try quitting on my own now and again, i taper myself off, do good for a month... then like a fucking parasite in my head my body, in some fugue state just retrieves liquor and I watch powerlessly like im in auto pilot. I literally say out loud, as im grabbing the alcohol, "why are you doing this?, stop !!! " but I cant, its like lifting a thousand ton weight, trying to stop that train once it starts, so to speak. I could go on forever, but i wont. Im not trying to write this to ask for consolation or validation, im not trying to one-up anyone with "look how addicted I am" im just giving my personal account of my alcoholism since i was 17. Alcohol in my opinion, is one of the hardest, most addictive drugs in the world, and it absolutely baffles me why its sold wholesale in our grocery stores but people still receive life sentences for selling a harmless, non addictive plant. Anyways, rant over.
 
and every day all i can see is advertisements for it, all my family drinks it and does just fine, all my friends drink it and have a good time, and I cant.

Yup... I think any alcoholic or recovering alcoholic can probably vouch for how much they hate how widespread it is in the media or seeing people that can have a few beers at the weekend bbq and then go back to work the next day and feel fine. It really is unavoidable. I know ultimately it's up to self control just like anything in life, but you wouldn't expect to see crack being sold in the next isle as milk as silly as that sounds, but it's not really that much different.

Either way you're young... I hope you can give it up or at least cut back, but that's totally up to you.
 
Because of Americas favorite drug, Alcohol..... I, a 20 year old male, vomit fairly large quantities of blood on a regular basis. I drink around a half gallon of vodka a day every day, or I will drink everclear 180 proof vodka straight so i wont have to consume as much. I didnt realize how physically and psychologically addictive alcohol was until i woke up one morning with none, experienced sharp and almost painful auditory hallucinations and violently uncontrollable shakes, i couldnt even walk to the bathroom to vomit because of it. I was sweating profusely and my chest felt like it was a bomb about to blow. I had to call the ambulance for myself and have many times since. It was one of the most dysphoric experiences in my entire life, one of the few times i contemplated putting a gun to my face. Ever since that morning 1 year ago, i CANNOT go a day without drinking and i will go to any length to get any booze, ive taken a shot of rubbing alcohol once out of desperation, literally fermented my own ethyl alcohol in my closet from yeast and sugar in case i might run out of store bought, attempted extracting and drinking alcohol in hand sanitizers, mouthwash's, etc. You name it if it had alcohol ive drank it at least once to combat the withdrawl. I feel like a hardcore heroin addict and the sad thing is people in my community literally dont even know or acknowledge that alcohol is a drug at all and many of them still demonize cannabis. Because of my situation i am getting Vivitrol, its a shot you get in your ass that contains the drug Naltrexone which makes it so you cant get drunk (it also is used for opiate addiction), it has an extended release of about a month then you have to get another shot each time it wears off. They are highly expensive shots, im going to have to drive 3 hours to get it each month, and on top of it all the doctor wont prescribe me a klonopin taper even though ive been told by many qualified professionals that im at a high risk for seizures. Ive been kicked out of multiple colleges including Berklee College of Music due to my alcohol induced dysfunction. This morning i woke up sweating, forced myself to take shots until i didnt immediately throw one up, then id repeat that process until i had downed 10. I couldnt eat until 7pm because id throw up what i ate including some blood to go along with it. I eat 2 entire pizzas throughout the night and then drink myself to sleep and repeat the process. I used to smoke weed, do psychedelics, enjoy life. Now i cant do ANY of it without extreme panic attacks. alcohol has enslaved me, made me feel like an old man, ruined all my future prospects, and every day all i can see is advertisements for it, all my family drinks it and does just fine, all my friends drink it and have a good time, and I cant. I try quitting on my own now and again, i taper myself off, do good for a month... then like a fucking parasite in my head my body, in some fugue state just retrieves liquor and I watch powerlessly like im in auto pilot. I literally say out loud, as im grabbing the alcohol, "why are you doing this?, stop !!! " but I cant, its like lifting a thousand ton weight, trying to stop that train once it starts, so to speak. I could go on forever, but i wont. Im not trying to write this to ask for consolation or validation, im not trying to one-up anyone with "look how addicted I am" im just giving my personal account of my alcoholism since i was 17. Alcohol in my opinion, is one of the hardest, most addictive drugs in the world, and it absolutely baffles me why its sold wholesale in our grocery stores but people still receive life sentences for selling a harmless, non addictive plant. Anyways, rant over.

You need to go get an assessment at a treatment center, take care of this now. I never vomited blood and I was hospitalized twice for alcohol.
 
Yup... I think any alcoholic or recovering alcoholic can probably vouch for how much they hate how widespread it is in the media or seeing people that can have a few beers at the weekend bbq and then go back to work the next day and feel fine. It really is unavoidable. I know ultimately it's up to self control just like anything in life, but you wouldn't expect to see crack being sold in the next isle as milk as silly as that sounds, but it's not really that much different.

Either way you're young... I hope you can give it up or at least cut back, but that's totally up to you.

lol yea no crack next to the milk, buuuuut right behind the counter in the back, just ask the self righteous pricks in their white coats for a bottle of amphetamine, and if another self righteous prick in a white coat thought ur daughter, or sibling, or even you have been struck with the terrible disease called ....... normal human behavior, otherwise known as ADHD, then theyll give you or your loved ones a bottle of it for a 5$ co-pay :p

it sucked even when i was at rehab all i would see is commercials for booze.
 
You need to go get an assessment at a treatment center, take care of this now. I never vomited blood and I was hospitalized twice for alcohol.

I went to passages malibu, went to multiple doctors and none of them take me seriously its like even if I were to throw up blood onto there shoes theyd probably ask "well have you drank anything red today? i suggest drinking blue things instead" or something

All they do is blood tests and say my levels are normal but its bullshit cuz my stomach is frequently in pain, i have bowel movments every 3-6 days only and throw up blood once a month or so, painfully. all they can really say is "stop drinking". Well i want to, which is why im getting on vivitrol soon, which is also why i need a taper or im gonna go insane, i mean its a only a 2 week taper but doctors are so anal about benzos its impossible for me to get any. Also vivitrol can be hepatoxic so how ironc would it be if i got sober and was on vivitrol and because my liver wasnt taken care of, it kills me. Or maybe im just paranoid, either way i wish i wouldve stuck to my trinity, Weed, MDMA and Psylocibin Cubensis Mushrooms :(
 
I am not a huge fan of Passages, try a more traditional facility. Nobody is going to give you benzos to self detox off of Alcohol.
 
Ive already wasted so much of my parents money with these rehabs which is why im getting the vivitrol instead of going to another one, I just hope I dont have seizure during the withdrawal period, I might purchase 20 .25 ativan from a friend and just use that to ease the transition.
 
Alcohol - The worst drug I've ever touched.

I thought meth was bad when using weekly but alcohol takes the cake....
 
tHats what i thought,but apparently u can get them prescribed if u go to another detox center and be under surveillanve,
 
Hey Everyone!

Well first and foremost I just wanted to thank everyone who has been contributing to these threads. I've read through probably close to 60 pages now, couldn't remember my old login from like 2008 so I've made a new one.

So a little about me, without too much detail - I'm 26 and I've been abusing alcohol for 11 years now. I have done binders anywhere up to 7 - 10 days at upwards of 20 - 30 shots over each day with far from favorable eating habits. I'm no stranger to drug use and my drinking has often led to bad decisions in mixing just about anything with alcohol. I'm at the point that I can't even do a drug without getting drunk first. Last new years I did some GHB after getting fairly drunk - it's just a simple example of an irrational and stupid decision I've made while drinking. My use got really bad when I moved across the country for work, and when things didn't work out I had a lot of spare time and was away from friends, family, and girlfriend, got myself into a nasty alcohol habbit and topped it off with etizolam. If my girlfiends mom didn't get me out of there and a support team with family friends living nearby, I'm certain I wouldn't be alive today. But that's just the tip of the iceberg..

It has taken me up until yesterday, in the throws of withdrawal, to finally admit that I have a problem. I've been lying to myself, and people I care about about my addiction. I haven't been fooling anyone though - people have tried to help but it has always led me to get defensive, which again is another state of mind I would then use as an excuse to get drunk. I have destroyed many relationships, lied about my use (hiding bottles around the house), made an ass of myself on multitudes of occasions, have no problem drinking alone frequently, etc - basically everything you'd look for in an alcoholic I do. It has destroyed some relationships with people or girlfriends I've had as well. I think i have some deep seeded shit I've been supressing with alcohol, normal things that have now blown up into real problems over time.

It was really hard for me to admit to myself that I have a problem. It was pretty emotional, and I'm totally alone at the moment. I had some big time auditory hallucinations, a panic attack, visual disturbances, cold sweats, shakes, among other symptoms today and was really in a bad place. My latest binder was a result of having the place to myself and was only 4 days but 110oz and also some cocaine use.. I normally drink while my girlfriend is at work so I have some time to sober up - sometimes I'll be at the store right at 10am in the morning and the first guy in. Oddly enough I will sometimes go a few days without drinking and I don't typically get very bad withdrawal. I'm usually always tired though, and I always end up falling off the wagon and if the conditions are right I fall really fucking hard. These are not limited to emotional responses (Anger, upset, etc), pure boredom, pretty much anything I could lie to myself and validate as a genuine reason to drink I have done.

I've been taking the time to read all these posts and it's been helping me to know that there are so many people out there who are in the same boat and actually getting the help they need. I admitted everything to my girlfriend, my brothers, my mom who are all across the country. My gf will be back in half a week though. Also to a few friends out here, and everyone seems really supportive and proud I've decided to try and do something about this. I simply can't exercise control after I have more than 2 beers, but at this point I can't even trust myself with 1.

I'll be attending my first AA meeting tomorrow, and NA the day after. I'm going to be putting in an effort to get my diet in check and start working out, as well as finding other hobbies to fill up my spare time. As of about right now it's been about 24 hours since I've last drank. I feel much better than I did this morning and I hope that's only going to improve. I'm just really afraid in a few days I'll do what I always do so I really need any support I can get. I'm not exactly sure how these meetings work but I really want a sponser like right off the start.

Also what are the recommendations for getting my liver and kidneys checked out? I think I read something about getting scan of some sorts done? What about liver values, is that something someone should wait about a month to do? Thanks for all your support!
 
You are at a seizure risk, you should go to the hospital or a detox center. Alcohol withdrawal doesn't fuck around.
 
Thanks for your responses.

If I was to have had seizures, I would have been in some big trouble as I'm on my own here and couldn't even get myself off the bed. It was bad but certainly could have been worse.. I think what I've had going for me is while I overdue it time and time again, I don't need to drink daily - so while I am trashing myself sometimes for up to a week at a time, I always have that break in between. I guess that means I'm not alcohol dependent. I was shakey yesterday and definitely feeling off, but no intense withdrawal was noted. Also somewhat antisocial but a friend made me get out for a bit.

In saying that, I've learned a few things about myself. I have no control after I have 'x' amount of drinks. If I'm drinking alone there is no one there to stop me, so it will continue until my body physically shuts down. Like there is no off button except for people around me. I almost always mix with cocaine which increases my overall duration and really fucks me up when I stop.

For that reason, I am going to try to stay away from alcohol, which subsequently means drugs as well - and see if I can live a life without them for a while. My friend dragged me out to a BBQ and I decided to play as DD yesterday night. Everyone was drinking and smoking pot, and while I wanted to drink to get drunk, I didn't feel I had to drink or any cravings other than selfishness want to be drunk. It however was not hard to turn any drinks down.

My lower back still hurts, I know this will pass in time from previous experiences. Still curious about liver scans and testing levels? How and when should I do this after stopping drinking. I hope I can stick this all out so that it doesn't turn into an even bigger problem down the road.

All the best!
 
Ive already wasted so much of my parents money with these rehabs which is why im getting the vivitrol instead of going to another one, I just hope I dont have seizure during the withdrawal period, I might purchase 20 .25 ativan from a friend and just use that to ease the transition.
Can you go to a state run detox/rehab center that's run by medical professionals? That is a lot more safe than getting benzos and trying to detox on your own, people have died from alcohol withdrawal. Good luck, and stay safe.
 
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