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TDS The Suicide Support Thread

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It is normal thinking. Who would not have those thoughts in your situation? I am very sorry that you lost your legs. It seems that must be a living hell for someone that loved to move as you did. The war machine is voracious.

After loss so great as yours, there is grief. Grief includes anger. Those feelings are not only normal, they are necessary. My hope is that you can let those feelings have their say without letting them kill you. I have a friend that recently had a stroke--lost speech and the ability to walk for a while though through hard work, both have returned, if severely compromised. He says it like waking up every day thinking he is his old self, then the inevitable realization that he is not, and the feeling of despair he feels when that hits is almost unbearable. Like you, he chooses to live for his family. That is a hard thing to sustain--living for others alone. He says that good days are the ones where he actually forgets what he lost and engages in something that brings him happiness in the present, temporarily forgetting about the past; bad days, he does not want to go on living. People live with enormous amounts of grief and they learn to navigate it. It takes such monumental courage. You have already proved that you have that courage. Build on it and get support. Do you have contact with other vets that are suffering similar things?
 
I have also experienced loss in my family due to diseases and with my sister simply because she had to make an operation and things went wrong to the point she stopped breathing for minutes (plural). The doctors managed to get her back, but with a quarter of her brain missing. We had to live with that for almost 30 years. And something I learned with this from this experience is that we adapt, we adjust, and in our own ways move forward. It takes time, it's very sad, people get depressed but at some point we learn how to cope with the pain. We live with this anger and move it somewhere else and try to make it work for us not against us.

The worst of our stories is that none of them turns the way we thought it would be. In her case, after all adjustments and coming to terms with our feelings she died before even reaching 40 yo. For 16 years I loved her, regardless of her physical imparities. We all loved her. When we say that love is blind, there's truth in it and it lasts forever. I won't pretend I understand what you have to go through every day but as times go by you'll be fine.

I really wish you all the best!
 
I've been having a really hard time this week already. I'm not sure what I should do. Right now all I can think about is getting drugs and I don't want to spend my life or even the next year living feeling like this. I keep thinking about going and robbing someone to get some money because I can't even afford to have a cigarette and it makes me feel so helpless.

I was so happy 2 years ago, completely independent doing what I loved and had people I cared about. After lope threw heart problems at me life has been getting worse, regardless of whether I'm clean, whether I have good support, whether I'm making an effort or not, whether I'm employed or not.

I've run out of ideas to make things any better.

I feel like there's a point of addiction you can hit where it's no longer possible to ever be ohk again. Sometimes I'm convinced that's true but other times I see it as an excuse I make.
 
I'm desperate... totally desperate... Doesn't even know how to describe my thoughs... I doesn't want to die but i want to have normal life and i don't know how to achieve it to have normal life... I am coward to kill myself and even i will kill myself i'm scared of though that this life is a test and if i don't complete him next life will start and end the same way like in this life...
 
Thoughts and feelings are temporal, they don't last for ever. We live in different stages, and everything is in constant move. Dying won't solve your problems it will just make this place miserable for those who love you, your friends, or family. We all go through difficult moments, we all get tired of living and wanting to day is the immediate thought that comes to our minds. It does mean it will solve things. You don't know what's on the other side. You don't know how your life could be months or years from now. We adjust to problems, to all sort of situations, be patient, be resilient.

Try to think of this as a turning point for you to do something about your life. You matter, regardless of what you may think of you. Sometimes there may be reasons behind all of this. Whatever you are going through- and I am sorry you feel so desperate- but know this: it will pass. Things pass, feelings change and you must go on. That's how life is. We have all been there, in a way or another. Breath in and out. Get some control, don't overthink and just try to relax.

Someone once told me that if you have a problem you should solve it and if you can't solve it, then it's not a problem because it can't be solve. No matter how hard we beat ourselves up we grow with these emotions and harsh feelings. We learn, we change, we adjust and as I said we move on. You can do this. <3
 
Hello,

My situation has been kinda up and down, for the last year now.
I lost my family to drugs and i have been confident that i could get clean, seriouse and get my kids back.

But im slowly realizing that its not very easy. Ive tride to quit
and i know u have to be honest with urself and i know i like getting high too much at this point.

And just these past couple of days its been in my head everytime i am alone.

"Ur just destroying urs and other peoples life"

"Ur life is never going to be as good as it was before"

"Ur not going to get clean"

"And ur not going to get ur kids back"

"U should just end it, cause u cant live like this"

Even if i didget clean, im afraid im gonna get high again years down the road and fuck myself up again.

I feel broken, i feel like i cant be fixed.
Its litteraly every moment i have to myself, this is how i feel.

I dont want to be sad anymore.
 
Nobody does hmess, we all go through moments like this and they often teach us something, if not. At least you learn to adapt and move on. Please read the message I wrote to just above. As I mentioned at one point or another we all feel like that at some level and thinking of ending everything is a natural thought. But we don't know what's on the other side. We don't know how many people can and will suffer the consequences of such action. This is final solution to a temporary problem. I've been there myself. You never know what could happen if it fails. There's that too. I hope you feel better.

I suggest you read some of our messages written above - they mean a lot to.
Take care!
Erik
 
Enough already..

After our divorce I remained mad at her for ages over some abandonment issues but kept dreaming of her which really annoyed me. Always the same theme. We needed to talk somehow. I kept ignoring it because she was a nasty bitch at a seconds notice and I was a very sensitive dickhead when feeling cornered and over-my-head with her personality. Keeping boundaries with her was a full time, full attention job with no room for a bad day or a second to rest. My 'isims and her 'isims from growing up were NOT a good match but god we loved each other with a red hot passion that runs deeper than any ocean.

She kicked my ass at every damn game you can imagine - golf, pool, darts, cards - everything and almost ALWAYS. I'm not terribly competitive so I did not really care a whole lot. I mean, don't get me wrong, it *does* get annoying after a while but I also really enjoyed watching her kick everybody else's ass too. Our ending was chaotic and wildly emotional. We finally stopped talking in 2005. But, there was that damn dreaming issue. Hundreds of hours of therapy did not help. We were connected no matter if I liked it or not, and I think she wanted to talk and I was too frightened to get involved again so I kept to my side of the road and just did my life. For 12 years I passed relationship after relationship and opportunity after opportunity because of so many reasons but mostly I could not face another massive disappointment and I could never love and loose like I did with her. I was broken with or without her but at least without her I was sane.

After our marriage ended my life became really complicated with some health issues - nasty shit that eats away at me every single day. It's not something as clear cut as a diease where people are educated and can tell you a decent idea of whats what -- this crap is rare and is screwing with my bones and my spine. I've been fighting with surgery after surgery and weird nerve thing after weird nerve thing with Docs who are often busy stroking their chins going "never seen THIS before" -- I broke my lower damn back via a pothole in the road! My financial situation is beyond crap and I have to depend on the help of my friends to do things like do my laundry. Most of my family (sister - don't have kids) don't understand how messed up my body is because they don't "see it" so they give me hell for napping and not going to this or that because I don't feel well so I now just avoid talking to them. To say my life has become a depressing pile of crap enduring party would be an understatement. Sometimes I get relief for a month or so and think - this is it! I can get back to work and some simulation of "normal" as I know it -- then BAM! Back on my ass I go. I can't get hold of who I am or how to live my life.

I think about suicide daily. Some days are more serious than others. I've tried seriously a few times in the past but learned its pretty hard to kill yourself using pills that I have access to.

This last June a very good friend of my ex-wife called me up and told me she committed suicide. A feather could have knocked me over as I stood there in shock - my entire world spun around me. The story he told me for the next 60 minutes about who she had become since the last time I spoke to her broke my heart all over again. I understood exactly why she did it and for a while I kicked myself in the ass for not reaching out like she wanted me to (the dreams) but I just couldn't help her up when I was so down too. Not to mention I was amazingly fearful she'd let her nasty side loose and I just was would have imploded in dispare. I forgave myself for the guilt that started to pile up about that -- thankfully I feel ok about the self preservation of not reaching out.

I'm walking a very thin line these days about suicide. I sorta feel like it's not "if" but when. I don't feel wildly depressed or excited about it - I just know its there waiting for me when I have decided enough is enough. I can't take one. more. thing. I just started having some nerve problem where my speech is super slurry -- I know it sounds horrible but I sure hope its something that will take me out in one quick swoop so I can finally just be done and stop being forced to eat one circumstantial shit sandwich after another. I don't want to die. I want the shit to stop and if killing myself is the ONLY way left to make it happen - well then, I'll take it.
 
That sounds like an incredible amount of loss to encompass in a life; no wonder suicide seems a comforting idea. Having a condition that is not really recognized and cannot be seen by others is very isolating. Losing someone you passionately loved, first to day-to-day incompatibility and then to a tragic suicide is a huge loss, not to mention a mental trap for you (and anyone else that loved her). Together, it is a huge amount of pain to deal with. I hope that you can find some medical interventions that actually help for the physical pain. As to the pain in your heart, it is amazing to me what we can actually carry. The key is searching for meaning in new ways, from new sources. Often this has turned out to be (for me at least) simply allowing new perceptions of my familiar world.
 
Thanks for the understanding herbavore. It's very comforting to hear that someone else can imagine why I might feel the way I do.
 
Aw man, do I have a saga for you guys.

I started taking a lot more shit (mostly stims) before I went travelling, got to a point where I was either high or badly coming down at all times. Started to lose the plot a bit, surrounded myself with the wrong company and never said no. Took a week off and legitimately thought my phone was bugged, would store it away during sensitive conversations; didn't really know who the fuck I was anymore, started to mess with my head badly.

And then I found myself in South-East Asia, without easy access to stims or the funds for them. Was clean for a month but my mood was pretty fucking bad, thought I had a parasite underneath my skin a few times and even sought medical help for this. After one month, on the first of July, I got my hands on coke and k - blew half of July's money in one day. Had to starve and seek out help. I was still in denial about coming down and how badly my drug use and lifestyle had fucked my head; started taking opioids 'cause tramadol was cheaper than dinner and I didn't wanna feel shit every day. Eventually picked up an opioid addiction, had an awful fucking experience of withdrawal and decided I was fucking done. I left Koh Rong and headed back to the mainland so I could recover in a nice room. Turns out my nice room had nice fat bedbugs, 2AM and no staff about. I freaked the fuck out not gonna lie, I had just spent the previous night tryna scratch my skin off 'cause withdrawal. Followed some music, hoping a kind raver would know a place to stay and ended up in a place full of seedy guys. They seemed alright at first. I told them about my withdrawal and they just slammed drugs in my face which should've been my first red flag. I had consensual sex with the owner and then with his mate the next day, who started raping me and verbally/emotionally abusing me soon after. I hadn't eaten in a week, he would get very aggressive when I took opioids (I relapsed after he began raping me) and he wouldn't let me sleep. He forced my phone passcode out of me, went through my messages, ripped chunks of my hair out and was always watching me. He was so controlling and paranoid, he was unhinged. Very badly. This shit would go on for like ten hours a day and then I'd just be passed out till he started giving me crap again. I tried asking for help but it didn't work, he did anything he wanted and I just got so tired of his abuse that I gave him whatever he wanted to make it end faster. He relapsed on opioids while he was with me, that's why he was so angry about my use because he was tryna fight his own addiction. Limp raping wasn't enough for him, he would give me coke and speed so I fought him because he wanted to believe that I gave a fuck about him; he was fixated with me. I think he felt guilty or cared in some twisted way because he would spend a lot of time comforting me afterwards, which is now the most sickening part I can remember. He was like a big evil kid, needy and twisted.

I got away from him after five days and I was in so much pain I'm pretty sure I OD'd on dihydrocodeine (accidentally), they pumped me full of meds in the hospital and kept me on IV for about 3 days. Turns out I had a kidney stone big enough for an operation, salmonella, very low levels of magnesium/calcium and a UTI. I lost so much weight. I'm home now but things have gotten worse in a way, I wanted to get high one last time and made a very bad decision. My family have been awful and it's a daily struggle not to turn to heroin. I even smashed up university property because the security guard triggered my PTSD; he called the cops on me too. Turned myself in on Friday and not heard much since then. So yeah, I feel shit.
 
Sounds like your poor brain needs a rest. :( Your experience in Asia also sounds so traumatic I cannot imagine going through it. You have a lot to heal from, not the least of which is the way you have been treating yourself. But healing can happen as long is there is still breath--nothing is ruined, nothing is lost. See if you can simply forgive yourself for all the riskiness and the harm that came from it and use this clean time (you will have to be off all drugs for the courts, no?) to concentrate on your deepest self.<3
 
Yeah it's actually unbelievable how much clarity you have after coming off drugs. I mean, it makes complete sense but you convince yourself it's not the drugs y'know, or I did. A friend of mine was tryna defend using after all this and I was like look man - I am not condemning anyone or anything, I am just urging you to respect the substances. This is your fucking mind, your motherfucking mind that you are putting through this shit (your body too but I mean the altered states). And it's crazy because there are so many factors that are easy to ignore like... repressed issues or things that haven't happened yet or shady dealers who seem lovely or genetic predispositions etc. I really don't want anyone to feel like I am judging/lecturing, it's a tale of caution unfortunately. I just want people to be careful because I was never fucking careful.
 
^Sounds like you are in a good place. I think unfortunately drug conversations--especially arguments--get polarized very quickly. If you hear someone broadly and blindly attacking drug use you have the gut reaction to defend it; if you hear someone broadly and blindly glorifying it your gut reaction is to attack. The best conversations are between people that can acknowledge our historical desire to alter our consciousness--for spiritual growth, human understanding, hedonism, adventure etc--while at the same time recognizing the risks involved and especially taking care to discuss always set and setting. Because of the War on Drugs mentality and reality, young people go into drug use on their own and usually in secret from adults. Imagine if we treated it like any other risky thing that young people needed to learn how to do safely and in moderation. If we used science instead of fear, compassion instead of punishment, and we actually explored this age old human desire without moralizing, we would have a safer world (and a lot less prisons!).
 
I don't know why I'm here again -- on this site. I guess I want to say in an anonymous way that I am in pain. I can't explain all the details and even if I did its not like anybody could really understand because pain is subjective anyhow. I REALLY really don't want a pat on the head with "oh, things will get better" because they never do. They level out JUST long enough for me to get a little HOPE -- then BAM! That is what is driving me crazy -- my life has been shit since I was about 5 years old -- one shit thing after another. It's never ending story of shitty circumstances, bad choices, more shitty circumstances and a whole lot of crap I don't have control over. The ONLY thing on my side if that I don't have an addictive personalty. So, lucky me -- looks like I won't be drinking myself to death or drugging myself to death. I feel like death would be mercy right now. I wish I could say I had a terrible illness that was going to kill me - nope. I just have a terrible illness or two or three that will make me MISERABLE the rest of my life. My ex-wife killed herself last June-- I NEVER thought she would do that. It shocked me to the core. She seemed like the strongest person I ever knew. I always thought I was the weak one. Maybe she was strong because she can kill herself and I seem to come up short every time. My therapist is trying to get me to want to find hope... just a glimmer... and for a short while I almost did and I almost felt better. Then I reminded myself that EVERY and I mean E V E R Y time I have hope -- I build myself up again and then shit comes out of left field that knocks the wind out of me again. I think the constant disappointment has left jaded scars and I hope to never have hope again because it hurts to much to realize I've been stupid again to hope for it. Hope is Disappointments bate..
 
^I won't pat you on the head and tell you it gets better because, well, it doesn't, at least not in any way you can depend on. Everyone alive knows that's true at best 50% of the time. But for me I discovered, after my biggest fear came true (losing one of my own sons) that "it" can do what it is going to do and there is a me still left standing outside of it. It can be terrible. It can be brutal and tragic and it can keep coming in waves until you think you will drown. But when you don't drown--even though you may be hoping to drown, some little space is carved out. You may even resent it at first--that little life-saving space. I don't know what you are dealing with specifically but in a way it doesn't matter specifically what grinds a person down, it's the loneliness of that place of defeat that is like vinegar poured into the wound. But that same loneliness can be an empowerment if you let it: we are alone and we live among other people that are just as alone as we are. I have come to think that most of the pain we cause and the pain we suffer in this life comes from running from that fact. It's been a very strange and backwards comfort to me--I don't know if it will feel that way to you. No matter what, I'm sorry that you are suffering.<3
 
I cannot imagine loosing a child - either young child or adult. I don't have children but my witness of it is one hell of an unshakable blanket of pain. I'm sorry that happened with you and your family.

About 6 years ago we lost several young people from of my family in a very short period of time (unrelated deaths) and it left us all wobbling to understand.

My stuff is mostly related to depression as a result of medical illnesses on top of what has already been one hell of a rough life. I now have three "rare" diseases and I can't seem to win anywhere doing anything about it. One is rare for my age, one is rare because of how aggressive it is and the other is just rare in general. None of these alone will probably kill me -- complications of them might, but not the diseases themselves.

Watching myself tumble head over feet through being ill with Doctors saying "wow, that's odd" way to many times has been an extraordinarily hard thing to get accustom to. I am at my worst when I feel disoriented and I don't know how to readjust myself to "this". Illness robs a person of anything familiar because suddenly you realize anything can really happen in your world and you often don't have time to adjust to it, like say, old age. You get a good 60 or 70 years to adjust to the fact that you are going to BE that old. Illness just whacks you over the head, robs your pockets of every last cent then robs you of your energy and this "I've been taking care of myself since I was 15" guy with no kids, no marriage and no retirement has had to rely on the kindness of his friends. I owe money to people I probably won't be able to pay back (and they need it!) unless I CAN actually fake being "healthy" long enough in a job to make the money I need then get fired or just fall over hopefully not quite completely dead. Then I live forever thereafter on the squeaked out amount from SSDI until I finally do die a miserably painful death.

What I have had trouble with is why? Why find hope for that? ((sighing))

Here is what I've come up with so far... why? Because little amazing things happen along the way. I probably won't win the lottery but I will probably meet people and care for people and do things (hopefully) and those experiences are what life is supposed to be about. Being able to find a little painted rock on a walk path would make me happier than being dead. So. I'm trying not to resist that little life-saving space that does call out but it can be very difficult sometimes when the macro view is grim.
 
BioEngMan said:
Here is what I've come up with so far... why? Because little amazing things happen along the way. I probably won't win the lottery but I will probably meet people and care for people and do things (hopefully) and those experiences are what life is supposed to be about. Being able to find a little painted rock on a walk path would make me happier than being dead. So. I'm trying not to resist that little life-saving space that does call out but it can be very difficult sometimes when the macro view is grim.
Click to expand...

That helped me out of my own frozen headspace this morning. Thanks.

You are so right about those small magic moments. They happen even in the depths of tragedy. Depression makes it difficult to even get up and get outside sometimes. So the painted rock is still on the path but you (me/we) aren't there to see it. I'm trying to ride whatever my mind dishes up and right now it's a lot of darkness. It sounds to me like we are navigating similar terrain. I wish you well as you walk the grief path--there is a surprise around every corner--that's for sure.<3
 
I relapsed after being 2 weeks shy of 2 years sober and for some reason the heroin doesn't even feel good anymore. The only thing that keeps me going these days is weightlifting. I will not give up. This was a one time thing and I didn't even finish the bag. Wtf did I get myself into ugh
 
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