I feel so strange to post anonymously about this. I never would wish this experience on anyone. I am just ashamed of what happened to talk to my friends, my therapists, or even post it on here. So that is why I have chose to post anonymously. I don't have any problems with homosexual people but what happened was wrong. It was just flat out wrong.
So I went to visit a mate of mine in Melbourne. I had never been to Australia before so I wanted to hit up everything there was to do. We had a great time and I saw all sorts of cool stuff and went to some parties that were just wicked. The people's accents were so amusing. Everything was going just great.
Anyways one night we decided to go clubbing. We went to this Place this club called The Vault. It was a awesome club and the place was really hopping that night. We had scored some E's and forked out a fortune on some Meth. The prices there are insanely high but we wanted to get loaded and we did.
Ok, so here it goes. Long story short, I end up in a cuddle puddle. This stunning tall brunette and I hit it off. We chat a bit and the music is loud so we end up taking to a place a bit more private which was the restroom. She started blowing me and it was feeling so good, I decided to shag her. She just bent over, lifted her skirt, pulled her knickers aside and said "Fuck me up the pooper.' I was thinking wow this is my lucky day. So I decide to shag her.
Here is the thing right when I cum, she pulls out her cock and jacks it. Is she is a he! WTF. I throw up all over her ass I am cumming. She says what's wrong you drink too much. I am just standing there in shock and she wipes my face off and hands me a drink. I take a swig off the brew a spark up a fag. I think to myself am I tripping, this big breasted woman can't have a cock. I just can't process it. It was like I was in shock medically. I felt cold, but I was covered in sweat, and so sick to my stomach.
I just could not accept the fact that I just fucked a tranny up the ass. She kisses me and I push her off. OK, reality is setting in. I see the adam's apple. I don't know what to do. She just keeps asking me what is wrong. I am not gay. I don't fancy other men. I wouldn't have done this. I can't believe I came right when this "woman" pulled out her cock.
I freak. I punch the woman and then I am apologizing and helping her up. I do not know why I am apologizing. I am fucking enraged but so confused. I think maybe this is a fucked up dream and it didn't help that she kept saying "It's ok, it's ok." I just leave the club asap and I took a cab to my friends flat and I grab my stuff and go to a motel while he is still at the club. I ended up doing some more speed and drinking almost 2 fifths of vodka. I couldn't even face him so I texted him that my wife had an emergency and I had to get on the next flight. I even had to pay more just to go back home early.
So I just can't get myself together. I ordered drinks on the plane rides home until they cut me off. I took a huge MXE dose before getting on the plane. I just don't even want to exist. I hate myself. I feel violated. I feel confused as to how I could jizz in another man. I felt like I was tricked. I would not have done that knowing that it was a man so I do feel raped if you can understand that.
I am just angry with God. Why would God let this happen? Am I being punished for shagging someone besides my wife? This is only the second time in the 12 years we have been together. She is everything to me and I made a mistake. I am thinking that I was always told sodomites are sinners and now am I one? I sure did not mean to. I am having trouble having sex with my wife now. She likes it up the ass every now and then and I just can't put it in her ass now. I just feel humiliated, sickened, and so upset that I was deceived or played. I was tricked by a man into having sex with him. I don't know what type of sick person would do that.
I have been just slamming smack non stop since I got back to UK. I don't know who I am anymore. I never use drugs like this or this often in these amounts. I guess I just do not know how to deal with it. This is the first time I have really even truly stopped lying to myself and I realized that I shagged a bloke and I am not OK with that. I also really hate that I liked it. I am dreaming about it and waking up having ejaculated in my sleep. I don't know why because the whole thing make me sick to my stomach.
I feel like it was rape somehow. I know no one made me do it. But she sure looked like a woman, acted like a woman, and well I was intoxicated and she knew it. Is this rape? How do I get over this? I couldn't bring myself to go to church today. I am Catholic so there is the whole confession ordeal to get God to forgive me. I just pray that I can go to mass later this week.
I am just lost and I do not know how to handle this. I know I need an AIDs test and I am so ashamed to ask. I do not want this in my medical file. I don't want to tell my therapist of 6 years as we have a close bond. I sure as hell do not want to tell my wife and especially my friends. They would not think the same of me. And what if my wife ever told my son. How could he look up to me. Not only did I cheat but with a transexual. I was the man and now I feel like I am self destructing. If I miss anymore work I might loose my job. I can't keep using drugs like this. My wife is already suspecting that I did something wrong. I feel like I did something wrong. I just hate myself and I don't like that feeling at all. I just want my life back.
Was I raped, taken advantage of, or just fucked up out of my mind? How does this happen? I feel so angry, dirty, and ashamed at the same time. I know this is long and I do not mean to offend any homosexuals. I just feel like this person was a predator.
