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Mental Health Suicide is my only option

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westhill

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Joined
Apr 9, 2014
Messages
29
I tried to post on my old thread but no luck, my last post was over 6 months ago... so here goes. I suffer from ptsd. The meds made me ill, however i stockpiled for a while and took what they call a catestrophic overdose. Unfortunately I was discovered 14 hours later.
I spent a week in intensive care and high dependency unit in a coma. They tell me I died at one stage. When I could talk and walk I discharged myself against med advice...I managed to talk the doc out of a section. Aparently the doc got in trouble after that.
This was 8 weeks ago.
I have another stockpile of drugs, this time I have conducted more research into this newer 'cocktail' which is widely known to be 100 percent reliable and much quicker. It has taken me a few weeks to source and gather but I know it works...and is a peaceful way to go.
I am tired and think the next week will be the last.
I have tried everything from meds to counselling etc, I just have to face the fact it is time to go.
Cry for help? No, just somewhere to record my thoughts as no-one else who knows me has a clue.
Sometimes Ptsd cannot be cured, or managed. Just saying.
 
I am truly sorry, Westhill. Have you ever contacted MAPS about being in one of their PTSD studies? They are having great results and it is a crime that this is not available for everyone who is, like you, frustrated at the lack of progress with traditional methods. If I remember correctly you are a veteran, yes?
 
Hi herbavore, yes, I'm a veteran. Good to speak to you again. MAPS as far as I know is not available in my region.
Thing is, the only thing that gives me hope and actually makes me feel 'alive' is the fact I am going to finish it. I feel relieved and quite happy to go ahead with this, it feels quite euphoric.
When I was slipping into my coma I felt no fear, no pain, it was the first time in years I actually felt good about myself.
I was so, so, disappointed to wake up in hospital days later, really pissed off. I had been brought back to suffer more pain.
I have given this illness years of my life, i tried to battle it my hardest, I really did, I gave it my all..but it has continued to destroy me completely.
My only option going forward is taking my life, i have done the other options.
 
^ While I understand the feeling of peace and euphoria that your thoughts are delivering, I wonder if you can see that the relief comes from the idea that you will escape the torments of your mind? That leads me to wonder whether you could extend your timetable and make yourself a list of things you would have liked to have done in your life. In the abstract I have respect for the choice, the right, of anyone to end his or her own life for whatever reason they deem necessary. But faced with a living wonderful miracle of a human being it always fails to be abstract. Your generation of veterans is committing suicide at an unprecedented rate. This breaks my heart one young man or woman at a time. I remember your old posts and what a compassionate and intelligent person you are. Selfishly perhaps, I want you to stay in this ignorant and unkind world simply because we need the numbers of those that dare to feel.

MAPS recruits veterans for the studies--they do not necessarily come from any one region. I am going to a MAPS event this weekend and I am going to bring up your plight and see if there is any possibility of getting you this kind of treatment. They are having amazing results.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RWIc4vRFoYY
 
Hey westhill. I am a vet too, diagnosed with PTSD. two tours, one to iraq and one to afghan (both after the invasion of fallujah) Although I am no authority to give advice or share my life experience with you, I went through a really difficult time last night and made it out alive. Though I am severely depressed today, I am still here and breathing and ready to atleast go outside and see the sky and clouds. I feel as if the military just pushed me away (i was OTH discharged, no benefits even though I deployed, kicked out due to drug abuse) and I am just a number. But I am just so glad that I'm not in it anymore. No more hurry up and wait, no more 15 minutes prior, no more suicide preventation classes (heh). There always some way to cope isnt there? PM me if you want to talk. I love you <3
 
Hi Herb,
You are right in that it's the idea of escaping the pain that brings the thought of euphoria.
What you said was very considerate and thoughtful, thankyou.
I have given myself a week, as hard as that is. Everything is ready to go.
Thankyou for seeing what MAPS can do, I appreciate your time and thoughts.
 
Hey StigmaShadow,
I wrote a longer post but have changed my mind and deleted most of it, just my problem not being comfortable with what I said. Anyway, did Iraq 2004/05 2008/09.
After a while I just didn't care anymore, I have been numb ever since.
The problem is the faces, they never go away. The smell too.
Anyway, enough of that.
Hang in there buddy, although I'm not.
 
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Hi Westhill, like others have said I am truly sorry for the things you have experienced and for the way you are feeling right now. I have never experienced the things you have, but I did experience losing a friend to suicide. I wish that he had spoken to me and at least gave me some sort of idea of what he was going through. I do know what you mean though by not forgetting the faces and the smells because I can easily go back to when I first found his body. Try talking a friend even if it's here on BL.
 
irq 08-09 afg 11-12
My roommate from the barracks, who i I also deployed with killed himself in his front yard this past year.. he left behind his newly wed wife and two stepchildren. it really shook me to the bone. veteran suicides are at an incline, more-so than actual combat deaths. i hope you get past this brother. i smoke cannabis for most of my problems, and it seems to help a lot. i guess you could say it makes me enjoy things again, makes things feel new again, you know? some people have different reactions to cannabis, i know, but have you had any experiences with it? how did it make you feel? would you be willing to try it again one last time? its worth a shot, its saved my life multiple times, brought me back down to a somewhat baseline. <3
 
Weed does give you a relax, everything is ok. How I describe it to people who have never tried, the analogy is When driving and someone cuts you off bad and you get road rage want to punch their face in, when stoned your attitude is, awh go ahead, its all good, I'm not in a hurry anyways. I've driven trucks for 30 years and you can get some serious road rage from jackasses on the road, people do some really bullshit stuff to trucks for No reason. When I first started I would get high and it would make ALL the difference in the world. Things that I'd chase someone down for, didnt matter, it wasnt important, wasnt worth it and had a smile in the process :) It turned you mother fucker into awh fuck it go ahead. In fact I think I would have killed someone by running over them or running them off the road if I hadnt. Getting stoned those first few years got me past that stage and learning to handle that stuff as a professional driver. Maybe that might help you in a similar way, to get you past the point of no return and learn to put what bothers you out of your thoughts.
 
Drugs, drugs, drugs, drugs... They prescribed me numerous drugs over the years. Zyprexa, Latuda, Depakote, Paxil, Zoloft, Abilify, Clozapine, and others. I admit I also have "prescribed" myself a few other drugs over the years. ;) So many dark days cramped on my couch researching these things as my cell phone showered me in the faintest glimmer of white light.

Whats the name of the stuff your taking lately?
 
Sorry guys, reading your posts but don't really know what to write. Just appreciate reading your replies. Might try and post something more constructive before D-Day.
Feel touched that strangers over the internet have reached out to me to be honest.
 
Hi, suppose nothing to lose by telling you,
Been on seroxate, venalafaxine, mirtazipine, olanzipine, amityriptaline, nardil. Interspaced with lorazipam, diazipam and tomazipam.
Amityrptaline ended up on 350mg a day with 20 mg of olanzipine and 60mg of mirtazipine...didnt even stop the nightmares.
After od was switched to i think 45mg nardil with 40mg diazipam and 20mg olanzipine...not taking anything for weeks now.
Have stockpile of 10000mg amitryptaline, 750mg diazipam (and bought some cimetidine...speeds gut absorbtion). Also a little 'extra' to make tripple sure. Ground pills down with a pestle and mortar into several large gelcerine capsules for D-Day. Havent decided which icecream to feed it down with, probably HagenDas cookies and cream, followed by a bottle of favourite alcohol. 100 percent effective im assured by reports.
The meds havent helped, nor counselling by those who havent seen shit, its the best course of action left to me.
Im definite this is the best way to go. No more visits from the dead in my dreams, screams of the dying and dead childrens faces.
Ssounds like i feel sorry for myself, but im actually quite happy.
 
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I am also a veteran. I have had many problems with symptoms I failed to deal with in what most people call a proper way. After multiple hospitilizations and a suicide attempt I understand where you are coming from. My attempt was in a psychosis, I don't know if that was a good thing or a bad thing because my thoughts were foggy at the time and may be blamed on that as I have never really attemted it before.

I do remember that feeling of waking up in the hospital and yelling "FUCK" and being pissed that I woke up there. The way I felt I would have rather died where I was.

I know more than anything else it is near impossible for anyone else to know truly how a suicidal person "feels" so it is hard to help them. The fact that you do feel euphoria from planning suicide still shows the capability of hapiness. That motivates you, the though of the end. Remember that those thoughts of suicides are a symptom of the PTSD. It is not you. As a human you are built to survive, and more so as a combat effective service veteran. The problem is sometimes the rewards given by biological or societal systems are overpowered by the symptoms of various traumas. This is when depression sets in at its worse. You become your sysmptoms so much that you forget the things that might help you recover. In your case you feel and determined that there is no recovery to a point in your life that you were happy to be alive.

Do you remember a point that you were happy or content with something besides ending your life? Did you or could you try to re-associate yourself with those types of activity? Have you lost all ability to find purpose in yourself? Can you find you that purpose that can drive you with enough strength to fight those awful things that keep recycling themselves in your concious? I believe that you can identify these things, and if you can you have another chance of being driven to find those things that make the quality of life good not just survivable.

No matter how decided you are there are others that will be affected by the loss of you. Can you go without regard to this? You did say that previously you had no ill feeling when slipping away, however when you slip into coma or pass away your brain tends to buffer you with a feeling of euphoria not with thoughts of preservation. They will miss you even if you won't be able to miss them.

I am not trying to give a don't kill yourself it is a selfish thing lecture, it is just that these are the things that drive me away from suicide. I want to tell you what helps me as many other will. I know how bad things can be, but as my wife always tells me "things will get better" I don't believe her because I feel the pain be it physical, psychological or psychosymatic constantly. I still go on waiting for those moments that make life worth living despite chronic affliction from uncomfortable seemingly unlivible symptoms.

I feel that without realizing it you do care about being helped or at least about your legacy, otherwise you wouldn't be posting this. That this may be your final attempt to reach out makes this an effort to maintain your life or what it is worth. it makes it a very important event that will be made much better if you do not commit suicide. Do not let the terrible events of the past create another casualty without making sure you thought and fought every option. Hope is an option, It leaves us open to the thought that there will be a better time, a greater good something that you are a part of. Hope can be infinite. You have to ask yourself... Have you really lost all hope? Not just in yourself, but in others. Those that want to, and could help you survive this. If there is any hesitation to this question then you must continue. Remember powerful inspiration can come at anytime from anyone, even yourself.

Anyway, if it means anything I ask that you really think about it , again. As a stranger and a brother at arms, stick around see what happens next. It's what I do.
 
Your doctor had you on 50mg of Diazepam each day and Nardil? Benzodiazines (such as Diazepam) cause very strong dependence and Nardil could make this worse. You can't stop quickly. http://www.vice.com/read/valium-can-be-harder-to-withdraw-from-than-heroin

You took as many medications as I did. Did they give you a frequent shopper discount at the pharmacy? The pharmacist always gave me weird looks as I picked up my script of anti-anxiety medications. I recovered eventually. I didn't realize the medications only work after 6+ months in some cases. I also didn't realize tapering was required if you quit. I had guilt, hallucinations, violent mood swings, and insomnia because I started and stopped medications frequently. At first I didn't think most of the problems were chemical, then I healed over several months of abstinence from legal and illegal drugs. The pain, anger, and guilt seemed very real. Most of these things were actually withdrawal symptoms.

Drugs, drugs, drugs, drugs. Those days are in my past. If you've made the choice you said then we'll be on the same side sooner or later. I just hope you are here long enough I can find this old movie I'm thinking of. An old Douglas Fairbanks movie you should watch. I'll remember the name later. Do you think you'll be here just one more day.
 
westhill said:
Havent decided which icecream to feed it down with, probably HagenDas cookies and cream,
Click to expand...

I still see you have a sense of humor hehehe. Lately, while in my up and down swing, I've noticed that what "consumes your thoughts, controls your mind". And yes I think thats a Creed lyric. But nothing could be further from the truth.

http://totalfratmove.com/guy-goes-t...e-and-banging-hookers-decides-to-keep-living/

Maybe you should get out of the house man? What do you do during the day besides think of D-day? Is that the only thought that crosses your mind? Is there nothing else out there for you? No wife or children? Sounds like you need some love brother. Maybe pick up a couple hookers and take some frustration out? 8)
 
There really needs to be better treatment for vets and the way kids that are hard up are targeted by recruiters with the promises of money and benefits disgusts me honestly when they don't really know what they're getting themselves into. I don't know if that fits the op but just my thoughts. OP, why not try ayahuasca? I've never done it but heard that it's cured people of all sorts of problems and addictions.
 
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