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  • Trip Reports Moderator: Xorkoth

My love relationship with 'lucid psychosis'. Best experience of my life

koo

Greenlighter
Joined
Sep 26, 2013
Messages
10
For past couple weeks I've been analyzing 3 different episodes of psychosis I've had within last 8 months and I'd really like to hear what you guys think of the conclusions I've made. I've been depressed for last 2-7 years and I'm experiencing lack of feelings and emotions as a result. They exist, but I don't feel them.

The only times I've entered psychosis have been after I've smoked weed and also had taken adderall (prescribed for ADD) +12 hours earlier. Then I entered a state of mind where I could convince myself that anything is true while knowing I was under influence of THC and I could convince myself of anything. The reason why I'm calling this state of mind lucid psychosis is because I'm aware that I'm in psychosis and I can control this state of mind. And whoever doesn't know what psychosis is, its a state of mind where you get out of touch with reality.

I see huge potential in being in a state of mind where I can convince myself of anything and being aware of this 'gift' while doing it and then using my best judgement to decide what to do with my mind.

I'll give a quick rundown what my last episode 3 weeks ago looked like so hopefully you guys can get a better idea how I process things.

-About minute after smoking outside in middle of the woods I had a certain feeling that I identified as state of mind I want to be in.

-I kept telling myself to keep focusing on the feeling and that was super important.

-I start to realize how big of a deal getting to this state of mind is. I tell myself that I can convince myself of anything and I'm one of the luckiest people on earth because God loves me and I can get to this state of mind. Getting very euphoric.

-I really do believe I'm pretty much one of the luckiest people on this planet because of I'm able to be in this mindset and this mindset is caused by how unique my brain is, how open mind I have, and how I have strong faith in God.

-Reminded myself what I was experiencing was psychosis. However, made the conclusion that psychosis as I was experiencing it was a blessing.

-Remembered that the last time I was in psychosis I told myself never to forget this feeling. Was so happy to remember this, and felt super lucky that I had another chance to be in this state of mind.

-Kept reminding myself that things I was experiencing were caused mostly by my imagination and I could trust my inner voice in this journey.

-Thought that I would be in this state of mind most likely for rest of my life on earth and this made the feeling even better. Kept telling myself how lucky I am that I have a relationship with God and I'd be in heaven one day. Euphoria still increasing as result of my thoughts being in pleasurable things.

-From the beginning to end of this episode, I was in very euphoric state which kept getting better and better.

-I told myself that the euphoria allowed me to slow down time for me. Because I was feeling so good, my brain worked much better now than before and was processing stuff much more efficiently than normally.

-Had a thought enter my mind that God has awesome sense of humor. All the sudden bunch of events in my life made sense, and I was felt pure awe before God.

-Thought that anything that happened to me wouldn't really be that big of a deal because an all powerful God was on my side and I was able to be in this state of mind.

-Thought about my future, and realized how awesome it would be since the feeling only kept getting more awesome and I thought it would never go away.

-Started walking home and put on headphones. Felt like a kid and realized what I was feeling was happiness.

-Went to bed and in the morning I was in my normal state of mind and felt perfectly normal. Understood some of things I experienced and though were not true and I took the experience too seriously in the moment.
I made lots of conclusions that weren't true during the time I was in psychosis that I didn't bother to double check for accuracy during that time because the conclusions made so much sense. I did listen to voice of reason from myself and from others, for example, someone telling me to go to bed and sleep this off.


I personally believe if I ever experience psychosis again, I will be able to control it to much greater extent than my last experience. The benefits I see in being in psychosis is that I can appreciate things I already have when I usually just take them for granted. I can dive deep into myself and make realizations about myself that are true. I might be able to change my priorities and feelings by getting to know myself better, and by doing that, break out of depression. The feeling of euphoria is also awesome but its not something I long for. I can't remember what it felt like, but I know it was awesome. And then I could make it twice as awesome with just thinking of the euphoria I was feeling. And repeat the cycle.

Sure, there are risks like permanent brain damage, going to psychosis (quite obvious) and probably tons more I just don't know about.

But as of now, I'm trying to figure a way of getting to the state of mind I want to be in either by lucid dreaming or weed because the pros outweigh the cons in my opinion.

What do you guys think? Am I just delusional about me being in control of psychosis or psychosis being a "good" thing for me?

Any input, comments, and questions are welcomed and I'm really interested to see what others think about this.
 
You might delusional as that is a quality of psychosis, but then again, who am I to say? As humans we're able to derive nearly anything from anything. And sometimes we just think we are but in reality we are not.
 
I think you're deluded about what psychosis is. Nothing you've described has anything to do with psychosis.
 
Sounds more like hypermania to me...with some delusional thinking. Take care with that man. True psychosis means you don't even know it's happening. Not good, scary. That's only If you come back fully mentally able.
 
It doesn't sound like psychosis to me, but I can surely see why this state is of great interest to you. I kinda have taken a liking in psychotic states myself, see this report and more importantly, the posts that follow. Be warned that it's a huge rant and you probably won't want to read through it. ;)

You might delusional as that is a quality of psychosis
If you are aware that you are suffering a delusion, it isn't really a delusion. Here are three very defining criteria, taken off wikipedia:
- certainty (held with absolute conviction)
- incorrigibility (not changeable by compelling counterargument or proof to the contrary)
- impossibility or falsity of content (implausible, bizarre or patently untrue)
 
when i was psychotic i would have a thought that if i didn't do something (e.g. pulling my pants down) in the next 3 seconds i would die, and then i would act on that impulse immediately without questioning it at all. its an extremely strange and slightly terrifying thing to go through, tiny thoughts that pop into your head become reality to you, complete certainty in nonsensical thoughts.
 
when i was psychotic i would have a thought that if i didn't do something (e.g. pulling my pants down) in the next 3 seconds i would die, and then i would act on that impulse immediately without questioning it at all. its an extremely strange and slightly terrifying thing to go through, tiny thoughts that pop into your head become reality to you, complete certainty in nonsensical thoughts.
Wasn't much fun, was it?
 
hypomania = high/rushing/creative

mania = transcendental/psychic/dreamlike

^ they both have comedowns which make them not worth it imo (what goes up must come down)

psychosis = traumatic for people close to you, terrifying for your self.
 
hypomania = high/rushing/creative

mania = transcendental/psychic/dreamlike

^ they both have comedowns which make them not worth it imo (what goes up must come down)

psychosis = traumatic for people close to you, terrifying for your self.
Full-blown mania actually is a type of psychosis. It is not all that fun either compared to hypomania. In fact it can be quite horrible in my experience. On the other hand not every schizophrenic episode (which you were probably referring to when you said "psychosis") is terrifying to the person experiencing it, there are exceptions to that. One of the reasons why some people reject medication. There also is a fluent transition between mania and schizophrenia.
 
I had very interesting experience with weed last night and I'm really questioning if I should smoke on occasional base or just give it up. So what pretty much happened, I went to a state of mind where my internal dialogue was being conducted with really weird tones of voices that all had almost different personality and I felt quite insane as result. I knew this wasn't permanent, I've had something really similar happen before while smoking 2 weeks ago.

I could control all those voices how I wanted, but I couldn't control the tone which was a bit scary. I also experienced feelings of intimacy with my girlfriend that I'm unable to experience otherwise because of my numbed feelings that I really want back. I don't want to cause any actual damage to my brain but just being able to feel strong feelings of love and intimacy with my beautiful girlfriend is something that I long for and the psychosis-ish state of mind that weed puts me into just makes me much more in touch with my feelings.

I'm going to keep doing high doses of LSD once or twice a month because how fucking amazing it is and how it removes my ego completely, but maybe weed is just messing with my brain and causing more problems than I think.
 
I know this is a delayed reply, but reading more posts in this thread by OP are causing lots of concern. You may enjoy high dose lsd and smoking weed until u reach a supposedly "controlled/lucid-psychosis" ( although the term psychosis imply a distinctive lack of lucidity) , but I can see it clearly is not a good idea to continue with either of those habits. The lsd (esp high doses/ego loss area) and the weed causing these intense effects means you are likely very susceptible to psychotic tendencies and these are just triggering the psychotic state to a degree which isn't all the way, fully blown psychosis. Be careful. It can quickly go from "this is interesting/fun/cool" to " holy sht all my friends wanna kill me, I am the messiah, my dog is gonna rape me if I don't call my friend first and tell him the danger I am in, etc" . Might sound funny, it's a bit of an example but I promise that if u truly push ur mind this way over and over u will end up in a mental state that is OUT of your control and at that point, what can u do? Very serious results can occur. Be safe. Do not self induce psychosis. Please. It's not a good idea. Take it easy on the acid and marihuana and maybe check ur family history of schizophrenia or psychotic tendencies. You may end up thanking me, or yourself for heeding the warning.
 
^^^yup. Good response.

I've been having similar experiences since turning 30 years old. It's fucked.

It's a cross between a spiritual world and mind control. My voices want me to do breathing exercises, stay sober and eat vegan. They're basically trying to get me to have a sober spiritual experience BUT my big thing is, if something like this exists how could it have not been hijacked by the church or state into making us all complacent zombies.

Basically the voices will try to get you hooked on them. They'll tell you anything to "try to help you".
 
If "it's fucked", then why don't you have it treated? Nobody is forcing you to live with the voices, just keep that in mind.

although the term psychosis imply a distinctive lack of lucidity.
The way I see it this is not really true. Psychosis usually comes with a decreased ability for critical reflection, by definition that is the nature of hallucinations and delusions. However if someone is very well reflected (like me) he will be fully aware that what he experiences, however real it may seem, could very well be a trick of the brain. My friends and even psychiatrists are often more convinced of my delusions than I am.

Here is an example:
I take a shower. I start to experience pins and needles all over my body. The water turns pink. Soon there is blood all over the place.
-> I panic, think I am dying, call the ambulance. I'm in pain, I'm screaming, I dial numbers and say my goodbyes.
The ambulance arrives. The drivers tell me there is no blood. They are very calm.
-> Their relaxed behaviour angers me, but calms me at the same time. They do not have to say it explicitely, but soon I realize that I have once again made a fool out of myself. "But wait, I can show you the blood all over the bathroom!" There is no blood there. I conclude "I guess I'm bonkers again, apologies for wasting your time."
I am now fully aware that the experience might have been a figment of my imagination. The hallucinations slowly fade. It might still be hard to evaluate some details, e.g. nobody can tell me if the pins and needles triggered the hallucinations or if they were part of them.

Another example:
I hear my 70 year old neighbour listening to music. All the same songs I listened to that day are played.
-> What are the chances? This is way too unlikely to be real. But godamn me if I can't hear those songs crystal clear.
I change locations to see if the perceived direction of the source changes. It does, but it still remains the same volume. I leave the house. Same volume.
-> I am obviously experiencing hallucinations. I kick back and enjoy the music. Who can say he gets to listen to his favorite tunes without speakers or headphones being present?

Every time it happens a conscious battle ensues in my mind, a battle between what my environment considers real and what I consider real. Sometimes my delusions win, sometimes they don't, sometimes it's a tie and nobody will ever know what really happened. External feedback can help, but a good idea of the likelihood with which events would take place in reality can be sufficient to disregard something as unreal.

After a while, you become more sensitized to delusions. I know immediately when I go manic, I actually realize it long before it has turned into full-blown mania. I know I will probably experience delusions in this state. I will take everything that happens with a grain of salt and while I often just cannot verify if something is real or am just not willing to consider it isn't due to the sheer excitement delusions can bring, I will nonetheless always keep in mind that they could be 'tricks of the brain'. In this way, psychotic episodes have improved my (already stellar) ability to critically reflect on what I experience. It's these episodes that have introduced me to the fleeting nature of reality and how no human, psychotic or not, can ever be sure of what is real and what is not. Reality is independent from the observer, it is a truth that will never be fully congruent with what our sensory input and conscious evaluation lead us to consider real.

After all... Where would those people in my room be coming from? They are obviously hallucinations. Having this realization might not fulfil all requirements of DSM and ICD for delusions and hallucinations, but there is no doubt any psychiatrist in the world would diagnose me as psychotic based on these (pseudo)hallucinations or (pseudo)delusions. People are very different and so is our ability to reflect. Most people have poor abilities for self reflection. I don't, not after 10 years of weekly psychotherapy.
In my experience, people are about as well reflected during an episode as they would be outside of an episode which generally means they are only very poorly self reflected. It's just during an episode when their lack of this skill becomes most apparent.

Diagnostic catalogues are of great help to the clinician when it comes to generating a treatment plan and for quick communication between clinical staff. However we should never forget that our attempts at defining complex psychological phenomena can never be without flaw. Disease came before DSM. A hallucination remains just that, there is no other word for it. DSM just can not cover every possible manifestation of psychosis. Psychosis has as many faces as there have been psychotic people in the history of mankind.

What's funny is that some cultures that we tag 'primitive' consider the perceptions an acutely psychotic person has real, while that which most people perceive is considered a mere illusion, a veil covering the spirit realm. This would not work in our cultural context, but it helps to keep in mind that there are different approaches to mental illness, psychosis can be seen as a stepping stone towards a new life or it can be seen as a dysfunction of the brain.

This is an excellent article that will lift your self worth if you are psychotic and that can open any person's mind towards the cruelty with which we treat our mentally ill when we strap them to the bed on a high dosis of forcefully administered neuroleptics, leaving them in the hell that is akathisia without a chance to move. Just thinking about this horrible form of physical torture has tears streaming down my face. Eventhough I am generally very compliant with treatment, this article is required reading for all my psychotherapists and psychiatrists. I see a brighter future ahead for the likes of us. It can only get better.

The Mind Unleashed - What a Shaman Sees in A Mental Hospital
 
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I'm also thinking psychosis is the wrong word. Your experiences sound similar to something I went through myself, down to the walking the street with my headphones on all smiles after having gone through the experience. Despite the experiences themselves being difficult; often heaven/hell, salvation/damnation themes and a feeling of experiencing God coming into my life but also not being equipped to handle it without going into a spiral of confusion — the contrast being like night and day, I had a hard time seeing it as anything but positive. Just getting through the experience gave me a boost of energy that seemed to completely transform my life for the better. I then hoped it would happen again. Some will say this is the onset of bipolar disorder, so if you find yourself swinging too far away from depression and find yourself sleeping very little and having almost restless, trembly energy, it is something to be aware of. I'm not convinced of that, but I want you to be aware of it. Don't let yourself swing too far to the other side of depression. If you treat your brain like a lightbulb, it's not good to run it at the brightest setting all the time. It could burn out. That said, these were some of the most important experiences of my life and getting better at navigating them when it happened (I had no choice then but to navigate it when it did) always seemed to transform me for the better. After that I became very focused on understanding myself better.
My advice would be to treat these experiences like gifts but not become obsessed with it. Treat it with a light touch. Accept it when it happens. Don't be disappointed when it doesn't and monitor yourself to see if what is happening is ultimately benefiting you. After being depressed for so long, it is hard to think clearly about what is normal. Anything feels better than that. Be aware however depression can go the other way and it can initiate a different kind of cycle that ultimately needs to be managed.
 
If "it's fucked", then why don't you have it treated? Nobody is forcing you to live with the voices, just keep that in mind.

The way I see it this is not really true. Psychosis usually comes with a decreased ability for critical reflection, by definition that is the nature of hallucinations and delusions. However if someone is very well reflected (like me) he will be fully aware that what he experiences, however real it may seem, could very well be a trick of the brain. My friends and even psychiatrists are often more convinced of my delusions than I am.

Here is an example:
I take a shower. I start to experience pins and needles all over my body. The water turns pink. Soon there is blood all over the place.
-> I panic, think I am dying, call the ambulance. I'm in pain, I'm screaming, I dial numbers and say my goodbyes.
The ambulance arrives. The drivers tell me there is no blood. They are very calm.
-> Their relaxed behaviour angers me, but calms me at the same time. They do not have to say it explicitely, but soon I realize that I have once again made a fool out of myself. "But wait, I can show you the blood all over the bathroom!" There is no blood there. I conclude "I guess I'm bonkers again, apologies for wasting your time."
I am now fully aware that the experience might have been a figment of my imagination. The hallucinations slowly fade. It might still be hard to evaluate some details, e.g. nobody can tell me if the pins and needles triggered the hallucinations or if they were part of them.

Another example:
I hear my 70 year old neighbour listening to music. All the same songs I listened to that day are played.
-> What are the chances? This is way too unlikely to be real. But godamn me if I can't hear those songs crystal clear.
I change locations to see if the perceived direction of the source changes. It does, but it still remains the same volume. I leave the house. Same volume.
-> I am obviously experiencing hallucinations. I kick back and enjoy the music. Who can say he gets to listen to his favorite tunes without speakers or headphones being present?

Every time it happens a conscious battle ensues in my mind, a battle between what my environment considers real and what I consider real. Sometimes my delusions win, sometimes they don't, sometimes it's a tie and nobody will ever know what really happened. External feedback can help, but a good idea of the likelihood with which events would take place in reality can be sufficient to disregard something as unreal.

After a while, you become more sensitized to delusions. I know immediately when I go manic, I actually realize it long before it has turned into full-blown mania. I know I will probably experience delusions in this state. I will take everything that happens with a grain of salt and while I often just cannot verify if something is real or am just not willing to consider it isn't due to the sheer excitement delusions can bring, I will nonetheless always keep in mind that they could be 'tricks of the brain'. In this way, psychotic episodes have improved my (already stellar) ability to critically reflect on what I experience. It's these episodes that have introduced me to the fleeting nature of reality and how no human, psychotic or not, can ever be sure of what is real and what is not. Reality is independent from the observer, it is a truth that will never be fully congruent with what our sensory input and conscious evaluation lead us to consider real.

After all... Where would those people in my room be coming from? They are obviously hallucinations. Having this realization might not fulfil all requirements of DSM and ICD for delusions and hallucinations, but there is no doubt any psychiatrist in the world would diagnose me as psychotic based on these (pseudo)hallucinations or (pseudo)delusions. People are very different and so is our ability to reflect. Most people have poor abilities for self reflection. I don't, not after 10 years of weekly psychotherapy.
In my experience, people are about as well reflected during an episode as they would be outside of an episode which generally means they are only very poorly self reflected. It's just during an episode when their lack of this skill becomes most apparent.

Diagnostic catalogues are of great help to the clinician when it comes to generating a treatment plan and for quick communication between clinical staff. However we should never forget that our attempts at defining complex psychological phenomena can never be without flaw. Disease came before DSM. A hallucination remains just that, there is no other word for it. DSM just can not cover every possible manifestation of psychosis. Psychosis has as many faces as there have been psychotic people in the history of mankind.

What's funny is that some cultures that we tag 'primitive' consider the perceptions an acutely psychotic person has real, while that which most people perceive is considered a mere illusion, a veil covering the spirit realm. This would not work in our cultural context, but it helps to keep in mind that there are different approaches to mental illness, psychosis can be seen as a stepping stone towards a new life or it can be seen as a dysfunction of the brain.

This is an excellent article that will lift your self worth if you are psychotic and that can open any person's mind towards the cruelty with which we treat our mentally ill when we strap them to the bed on a high dosis of forcefully administered neuroleptics, leaving them in the hell that is akathisia without a chance to move. Just thinking about this horrible form of physical torture has tears streaming down my face. Eventhough I am generally very compliant with treatment, this article is required reading for all my psychotherapists and psychiatrists. I see a brighter future ahead for the likes of us. It can only get better.

The Mind Unleashed - What a Shaman Sees in A Mental Hospital
I really respect your skepticism and analytical habits. Good for you.
 
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