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Attempted suicide 3 days ago...

When my ex-wife found out I was still addicted to opiates and was also doing a bunch of other drugs, she freaked out too. Then it settled down, she started to trust me again, and I relapsed on opiates. Eventually she found out, and I had to lie a lot to cover it up. Repeat this process a number of times... after a while she could no longer trust anything I said. She started accusing me of the craziest things: I was in the mob, I owed dangerous people money, we were about to lose the house, I never really loved her, I was just lying to her so I could "keep" her, etc etc etc. It hurt a lot to realize that she thought these things about me but I can't really blame her. I hid so much from her for so long that I realize, how could she really know anything about me? Anything I had ever said could have been a lie as far as she knew. It did hurt a lot though because aside from my drug addiction the connection we had was real, and I shared the rest of myself with her and I loved her very much. To realize that she didn't believe that anymore was very painful.
 
Before deciding the path you gonna choose-functional addict,degenerate junkie or suicide(i really hope its not the latter),i strongly recommend you to try a maintainance program first,be it methadone(or even better) subotex.

It has done wonders for hopeless addicts,and its nice to know that at least you tried to do something about your addiction before embracing it for the rest of your life.

Heroin/drugs will always be around,you can give maintainance a try and if it doesnt work out,you can always go back to your drug of choice!

Dont feel hopeless,you always have options!
 
lazylazyjoe said:
^ Using guilt is not usually a good way to convince someone to stay alive.

After a certain point, keeping yourself alive just so others won't have to deal with your loss, becomes, in itself, a whole new reason to want to die.

Death is a very selfish act, however, some people are just so broken that to stay alive is constant pain. To place extra guilt on a person already close to the edge so you won't have to suffer is never a good idea.
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I wasn't using guilt, just showing the OP that he obviously has a relationship with his father, who just helped him, so think on how it would affect his father.

While I am supportive of others and their pain, I support the Death with Dignity act and also realize some people who want to die will take their lives no matter what you say, or do.

The OP seems like they still have hope.
 
LilikoiMoon said:
I wasn't using guilt, just showing the OP that he obviously has a relationship with his father, who just helped him, so think on how it would affect his father.

While I am supportive of others and their pain, I support the Death with Dignity act and also realize some people who want to die will take their lives no matter what you say, or do.

The OP seems like they still have hope.
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Your post actually made me think...I didnt take it as a guilt trip or anything like that, so dont worry, its all good.

I do have a pretty good relationship with my dad, I have actually been honest with him about my use lately, after that suicide attempt, he started to keep a closer eye on me though, which I dont blame him at all for...after all, my mom (his wife at the time), died from an overdose back in 1988, when I was 14 yrs old...I believe she was taking benzos and accidentally took too many, we still dont know if it was intentional or not...I tend to believe it was an accident.

Im trying to get on Subox treatment, but not many drs with programs around here and waiting list to get into one is months and months, so Im trying to live as a functional addict, which is sort of working, I am working more now, but Im also using every day too, Im paying my bills, but literally EVERYTHING else is going to dope, so Im kind of just existing, trying to avoid being sick, and after so long, Im going to try and taper off the dope and use less and less each week.

The MAIN thing keeping me from suicide is my fear about death/afterlife...Im not religious at all, but Im not sure what happens after death, especially when someone kills themself...I worry about 'waking up' somewhere absolutely terrible and then there would be NO going back at all, just because Im not religious and not really sure what I believe about God, our creation, afterlife, etc...I know just because I dont believe in something does not mean it doesnt exist...for all I know, Hell could be 100% real and be VERY VERY bad.
 
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^ I've have had that said to me many times and I take it as guilt. Infact, that guilt is one of the few things keeping me around and it angers me so much, I start to resent those who make me feel guilty.

It's one of the main reasons I don't make friends anymore and pushed away those still left alive that I love. Only left now is my wife and parents. I tried pushing my wife away, but she keeps on coming back then I feel guilty about doing it and end up back with her because I really do love her; and she never makes me feel guilty for feeling this way . And I don't have the heart to tell my parents.
How do you tell your parents you resent them for giving birth to you and guilting you to stay alive so they won't have to deal with the loss?

Like I said, death is an extremely selfish moment. To give empathy to someone hurting that bad and put your feelings aside completely is love, to me. Not saying you have to encourage it, but don't put added guilt on; just makes them feel worse.
 
fizzymk said:
Your post actually made me think...I didnt take it as a guilt trip or anything like that, so dont worry, its all good.

I do have a pretty good relationship with my dad, I have actually been honest with him about my use lately, after that suicide attempt, he started to keep a closer eye on me though, which I dont blame him at all for...after all, my mom (his wife at the time), died from an overdose back in 1988, when I was 14 yrs old...I believe she was taking benzos and accidentally took too many, we still dont know if it was intentional or not...I tend to believe it was an accident.

Im trying to get on Subox treatment, but not many drs with programs around here and waiting list to get into one is months and months, so Im trying to live as a functional addict, which is sort of working, I am working more now, but Im also using every day too, Im paying my bills, but literally EVERYTHING else is going to dope, so Im kind of just existing, trying to avoid being sick, and after so long, Im going to try and taper off the dope and use less and less each week.

The MAIN thing keeping me from suicide is my fear about death/afterlife...Im not religious at all, but Im not sure what happens after death, especially when someone kills themself...I worry about 'waking up' somewhere absolutely terrible and then there would be NO going back at all, just because Im not religious and not really sure what I believe about God, our creation, afterlife, etc...I know just because I dont believe in something does not mean it doesnt exist...for all I know, Hell could be 100% real and be VERY VERY bad.
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Subs and Methadone cannot be prescribed in my country.The only way to get them is to join the national program against drugs(its an organisation) which is completely free BUT has a waiting list of about 3.5 years...im not kidding..
Also,prescription opiates(Oxy,Vics etc) do not exist here and the only thing you can get from private docs is Codeine.

So if a junkie here wants to get of heroin-a)gets prescribed codeine+some benzos from private doc b)gets some stuff like MS Contin from the streets(they rarely are around anymore) c)gets subs or methadone from the streets for a ridiculously big price d)waits 3.5 years to get in the program and get subs/done for free.

I just got in about a month ago after all those years,and i think its worth the wait..

Goes to show that things are bad everywhere(most places at least),not only where you live so id suggest you to sign up to the waiting list.It can be your safety net in case functional addict doesnt work out!
 
lazylazyjoe said:
^ I've have had that said to me many times and I take it as guilt. Infact, that guilt is one of the few things keeping me around and it angers me so much, I start to resent those who make me feel guilty.

It's one of the main reasons I don't make friends anymore and pushed away those still left alive that I love. Only left now is my wife and parents. I tried pushing my wife away, but she keeps on coming back then I feel guilty about doing it and end up back with her because I really do love her; and she never makes me feel guilty for feeling this way . And I don't have the heart to tell my parents.
How do you tell your parents you resent them for giving birth to you and guilting you to stay alive so they won't have to deal with the loss?

Like I said, death is an extremely selfish moment. To give empathy to someone hurting that bad and put your feelings aside completely is love, to me. Not saying you have to encourage it, but don't put added guilt on; just makes them feel worse.
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Wow, I had never really thought about things like this. Thanks for posting this, your wife really seems like a wonderful person. Glad you have her.
 
I'm the wife who kept coming back, he got his wish, overdose, 11/20/17. I miss him so much but I know this is what he wanted. Finding this post is like a gift.
 
I'm really sorry to hear about your loss, Ghost Cat. I hope you don't blame yourself.. if you need to talk we are here.
 
Thank you for this thread. It helped me to understand a lot.

I am the wife who was lied to and when I found out felt like everything was a lie and I could not trust a word that had ever been said. Was our love and marriage even real?

Now, years later, I live with chronic pain myself and have to take MS Contin for severe pain and I know what the "sickness" feels like now and I know what it feels like to be treated like an "addict", to be dependent or addicted. I guess it is the same thing.mi don't know.

I feel guilty about the way I acted. Who could understand this unless they had experienced it?

My whole life came crashing down. Hurt in a car accident, lost everything trying desperately to "manage" the pain on my own. Showed back up at my parents house for help only to find my mom a nervous wreck and my dad very ill but we did not know what was going on at that time. Turned out he had a very rare and horrific disease. One that is so bad that when we finally got him to the one specialist that treated this disease the entire family was at each other's throats. They actually told us we had done pretty good. Lol! My entire family is fucked up now. Little brother had a stroke. Sister is OCD and is going blind and crazy, older brother just can't deal with it at all and travels all the time to avoid everyone, mom is completely traumatized as well as myself.

When I got back home in chronic pain and my only safe haven had fallen apart at the seams, I tried to kill myself. I should be dead. I did see the afterlife. I can tell you that we are all loved far more than you could imagine and we are all SO IMPORTANT. Every living being is precious. I chose to return here because I was shown my dads illness and what it would be like for my mom without me here.

We got through it but not without major damage. We are destroyed for any kind of work or normal relationships with others. We took good care of my dad. He would have been treated horribly if I had not been here. It has taken a toll on me which is not recoverable. I'm trying to just "manage " my pain and trauma the best I can but I really can't leave my house.
 
I can see this is a very old fuckin post but it's not worth killing yourself, I really DONT know what to say... to help. But, look for your resources and look for help.
 
Sadly, the reason this thread is active now is because the OP's wife posted that he did recently overdose and passed away. :(
 
GhostCat said:
I'm the wife who kept coming back, he got his wish, overdose, 11/20/17. I miss him so much but I know this is what he wanted. Finding this post is like a gift.
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I just PM'd him (lazylazyjoe) to thank him for that post. I identified very strongly with his guilt/resentment trap. Didn't notice that the post was 5 years old until I read the rest of the thread.

I'm so sorry for your loss. I hope your doing ok, and that you do find at least a little peace in the knowledge that his suffering is over.
 
Shadowmeister said:
Sadly, the reason this thread is active now is because the OP's wife posted that he did recently overdose and passed away. :(
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Oh! I did not realize that!! I'm so sorry. Forgive me. I thought this was just a running thread. I needed to get out what I posted above.

GhostCat I am so sorry for your loss. This person was in a lot of pain my Lady. Take comfort that he is in a better place and you will meet again. My sincere condolences and love to you! I'm here if you want to talk. Feel free to message me.
 
No worries, it wasn't the OP (fizzymk) that od'd Painful One.

Ghost Cat's husband was lazylazyJoe. He passed away. I'm very sorry for your loss Ghost Cat.


I'm glad you shared your story PO. Much love.

Ash.
 
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Wow, I too had wanted to PM lazylazyjoe to tell him thank you for his wise words. His words spoke to me. Then to read that he has passed is...tragic - that’s the only word that seems to fit. Tragic for the world to lose such a person. I hope he is not suffering, wherever he might be.

Ghost, I’m at a loss for helpful words. I wish you joy and peace today and every day after.

- VE
 
Thanks to everyone who posted I've never been on a forum like this, I don't know how healthy it is but I have mostly been looking at my husband's archived posts. It's almost like hearing his voice.
 
We all do things to deal with that sort of loss. If it helps you, thats what matters.

I am very sorry to hear what happened to your husband, my deepest condolences.
 
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