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MDMA Recovery (Stories & Support - 2)

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Hey old chap. What problems do you have when smoking?
What's up, well I've tried it once since my ltc using a vaporizer and anxiety came outta nowhere and kicked my ass. My heart was racing like crazy. Nothing quite like india's story but just palpitations. Sucked. It ended after like 1-2 hrs. Maybe I shouldn't have used a vaporizer. It's the purest way to smoke. I know racing heart may be a common symptom when smoking bud but I've never experienced that before and prior to this comedown I smoked a few times a day for Atleast 5 years. I have an app that tells you your heart rate and my shit got up to 162 bpm. This was back in July. Maybe I need to try a strand of medicinal weed which doesn't have such a high thc content.
 
Pmz. Your smoking everyday and enjoying music again and even in a gym. What's holding you back from being 100%. Sound good to me. I wish I could smoke without any probs. sounds good to me man.

SO all im dealing with now, is a feeling of disconnect from my self still. Its diminished greatly thought. I still have a feeling of not being as sharp as I once was. for example, I was at a Parkour gym today, and jumping around and leaping, I just didnt feel as sure footed as I felt I should be. There is a lot more hesitation in my step these days. Though its very much improved. maybe its just the DP or brain fog feeling that simply distracts me.

I also lack an emotional level to my life experiences. The music for example is enjoyable absolutely, but does not feel the same, nor create the same emotions they used to when listening. I'm not as excitable and that old spark to me isnt there yet. Its coming back though.

I also feel my reading comprehension is still effected. I dont absorb things as fast, this has also improves drastically.

My vision is still spacey with Derealization aspects, and I have visual snow still.

My memory may or may not be back to normal. Its hard to tell, it doesnt bother me all that much though.

there is also the aspect of depersonilation. Like when talking to someone, I still get a feeling of falling out of my self, if that makes sense. Its distracting but not paralyzing.

all in all im not freaking out anymore, im just frustrated that im still feeling weird, but its getting there.

my old charisma is back and i have no problem chatting it up with people.

because im good, doesnt mean im at 100% it just means im happy with where I am compared to a few months ago. Progress is slow but happening.
 
What's up, well I've tried it once since my ltc using a vaporizer and anxiety came outta nowhere and kicked my ass. My heart was racing like crazy. Nothing quite like india's story but just palpitations. Sucked. It ended after like 1-2 hrs. Maybe I shouldn't have used a vaporizer. It's the purest way to smoke. I know racing heart may be a common symptom when smoking bud but I've never experienced that before and prior to this comedown I smoked a few times a day for Atleast 5 years. I have an app that tells you your heart rate and my shit got up to 162 bpm. This was back in July. Maybe I need to try a strand of medicinal weed which doesn't have such a high thc content.

Im also in Colorado where the bud is legal. I walk into the store and ask for a weed that wont give me anxiety.

I picked a Sativa called Green Crack today. It was a perfect high and I was able to function at work perfectly today.
 
This is fucked up. I really haven't drank any milk in years. For some reason, I had a dream about Frosted Flakes so I went and got a box and some milk. I loved cereal as a kid. Well, afterwards was probably the worst I've felt the last couple of months. Nothing major, but my head hurts and I just feel "off". Got that kind of queasy feeling again, which I hate.

Has anyone had problems with milk during their LTC?
 
Well I'm afraid Imma maybe have to go on antidepressants soon too. It doesnt feel fair I have fought so hard, harder than most even I feel, but I have gotten literally zero improvement in seven months. I'm starting to get so tired. It feels like ashame to give up now but you know there are limits. It feels a bit unfair that everyone is on an upward slope but im not even getting a little better. I'm still in the phase most people are in only the first few weeks you know. Ok enough bitching. So what would be the best SSRI to start with?
 
I thought my memory was 100% back on track. Until my brother asked me to go to a music event and when I logged in I had already bought the ticket for that event because he had mentionned it in a conversation a few days prior.

It's been 3 days that i'm in disbelief and angry at myself for not remembering. Trying to reconstruct the memory, creating fake memories in the process. I mean, logging in, selecting ticket, checkout, credit card. It's a long process, how do I not remember?
 
Jezus man you forgot one thing don't beat urself up over such small shit. Remember how deep the hole was from which you have come. You should be glad.
 
Well I'm afraid Imma maybe have to go on antidepressants soon too. It doesnt feel fair I have fought so hard, harder than most even I feel, but I have gotten literally zero improvement in seven months. I'm starting to get so tired. It feels like ashame to give up now but you know there are limits. It feels a bit unfair that everyone is on an upward slope but im not even getting a little better. I'm still in the phase most people are in only the first few weeks you know. Ok enough bitching. So what would be the best SSRI to start with?

Dude, if you have no improvement for that long, you have to get some relief. That's just too much. I would talk to ro4eva because he's tried them all, but everyone is different. I am on Paxil. Wellbutrin seems to be well liked with less side effects. Just proper warning: I think you will probably feel worse for a couple of weeks before you feel better. I almost gave up, but I am glad I didn't.
 
You sir, do never need to explain yourself to me, as I have no right to judge you in any way. And if my previous comment(s) came across as judgemental in any way whatsoever, then I sincerely ask for forgiveness.

Whatever you decide to do, I will always support you. And I apologize if that sounds like a pick up line.

The thing is, even though we may not know each other, I still want what's best for you. Again though, don't worry, I don't secretly have a crush on you, nor am I trying to act like I'm your father.

If you ever do decide that you wanna use MDMA again, please let me know via PM (if you want to), because I can help you with respect to harm reduction. And if a mod is reading this, I am not implying that I'm gonna help him with respect to a good source (and I'm sure it's possible to see to it that I keep my word). I just don't want the guy to get needlessly hurt because some greedy asshole who doesn't value human life wants to make money selling dangerous bunk.

Take care coderbrah imabicycle - PLUR (you too coderbrah - thanks for letting me know about my typo).

P.S. - I totally understand what you mean when you say that you miss raving, as I felt exactly the same way while recovering. And this is the reason why a few months after I recovered, I went raving again and very carefully consumed a sensible amount of some very expensive, but high purity MDMA. And I didn't get sick again, so it was amazing. I'll never forget that night - my first rave and MDMA use after recovering. Edit - This doesn't necessarily mean however that someone else who has recovered will also be able to rave and roll again without getting another nasty long term comedown (it may, or it may not), so please be careful.

Yo missed this comment at first. I actually love explaining myself to you don't worry haha. You, however, don't have to explain me ur not trying to act like my father because that would be a very unfair thing to think considering all the help you've given. Don't be so modest man ur awesome. Cheers my friend.
 
Well I'm afraid Imma maybe have to go on antidepressants soon too. It doesnt feel fair I have fought so hard, harder than most even I feel, but I have gotten literally zero improvement in seven months. I'm starting to get so tired. It feels like ashame to give up now but you know there are limits. It feels a bit unfair that everyone is on an upward slope but im not even getting a little better. I'm still in the phase most people are in only the first few weeks you know. Ok enough bitching. So what would be the best SSRI to start with?

Look man. Life isn't fair. There's people walking around that never had a mental disorder in their life. And then there's us. And then even amongst us there are people that get it less than others. Unfortunately thats the cold hard truth.

Now luckily there is medication and therapy available. I mean we aren't talking about your average depression here. Your brain needs to heal but it can't heal without some sort of positive feedback loop. You need help, you need a crutch. And although there is a stigma attached to it there is absolutely nothing wrong in wanting that. You can't just expect someone your age to juggle school and becoming an independent adult while in the middle of a mental disorder triggered by a reckless mistake. It's okay to be down and it's okay to reach out for help.

Right now I'm really grateful I got on Lexapro. The past 8 days is really the first time in 8 months that I didn't feel like I had to struggle to survive. My depression totally left me (knock on wood) and my anxiety is greatly halved. Only side-effects? More nightmares and a slightly diminished libido. Thats it.

If youre worried about the 'withdrawal' please note that having suffered this much from 1 pill doesnt mean you will have severe reactions to everything. Besides you can taper really slowly in an enviroment and life-situation you choose.

Dont take Wellbutrin by the way. Wellbutrin is a stimulant and basically should be avoided by those that have anxiety. Please see a psychiatrist. Lexapro (escalitopram) is basically the best tolerated SSRI at the moment (also the only true SSRI, meaning its the only medicine targeting purely serotonin).

Be aware though, the startup is an absolute bitch.
 
Positive mental loop is like, the #1 cure for this I believe. Doing something as meaningless as math problems can have profound effects. I usually sit in the library by myself, when I come up with the right answer I usually smile alone, and laugh quietly. Doing something mentally challenging and succeeding makes you realize you are not dumb or damaged.

I spend most my free time playing league of legends. So satisfying being at the top and looked up at. Exceeding at something mentally hard and being rewarded for it on a daily basis definately helps me. It's hard not to play too much because I dont face as many situations where I am rewarded for my accomplishments in the real wold lol.
 
Look man. Life isn't fair. There's people walking around that never had a mental disorder in their life. And then there's us. And then even amongst us there are people that get it less than others. Unfortunately thats the cold hard truth.

Now luckily there is medication and therapy available. I mean we aren't talking about your average depression here. Your brain needs to heal but it can't heal without some sort of positive feedback loop. You need help, you need a crutch. And although there is a stigma attached to it there is absolutely nothing wrong in wanting that. You can't just expect someone your age to juggle school and becoming an independent adult while in the middle of a mental disorder triggered by a reckless mistake. It's okay to be down and it's okay to reach out for help.

Right now I'm really grateful I got on Lexapro. The past 8 days is really the first time in 8 months that I didn't feel like I had to struggle to survive. My depression totally left me (knock on wood) and my anxiety is greatly halved. Only side-effects? More nightmares and a slightly diminished libido. Thats it.

If youre worried about the 'withdrawal' please note that having suffered this much from 1 pill doesnt mean you will have severe reactions to everything. Besides you can taper really slowly in an enviroment and life-situation you choose.

Dont take Wellbutrin by the way. Wellbutrin is a stimulant and basically should be avoided by those that have anxiety. Please see a psychiatrist. Lexapro (escalitopram) is basically the best tolerated SSRI at the moment (also the only true SSRI, meaning its the only medicine targeting purely serotonin).

Be aware though, the startup is an absolute bitch.

I don't mind the start up I'll be fine. I didn't get this from one pill btw maybe thats also why its so severe. Did a bit more than is strictly speaking recommended. And had a delayed onset at that so it wasn't really a direct reaction to one pill. But all that doesn't really matter I guess. School is hard ye but fuck it I haven't dropped a single exam yet. Pretty hardcore huh. Always was more of 5.5 guy anyway (out of ten). I do agree with maybe needing a crutch cause I have tried really hard, honestly I've really fought but it just isn't enough I guess. I hope maybe if the pills make me a bit better I can do the rest myself you know. Thanks for replying. Its good to hear your anxiety dropped a bit. How long have you been taking it? Not long right? If thats the case, and it all ready halved ur looking at a pretty good scenario mate! Cheers! Also are you aware of ssris having a chronic effect on your brain? Not asking to sow fear but I just wonder.
 
I'm on day 5 I think of Citalopram now. Had a rough time today. Felt like time was moving incredibly slowly and felt too agitated to concentrate on anything. I'm afraid that I might be one of those people that has a manic reaction but I think I'll tough it out one day at a time and see how it goes.
 
its funny cause i used to play League of legends when NEVER before i was attracted by videogames, but was the only way to distract my sick mind from hellish anxiety i was experiencing. in the other hand...i lost tons of my time, though it was lost whatever i could do.
 
its funny cause i used to play League of legends when NEVER before i was attracted by videogames, but was the only way to distract my sick mind from hellish anxiety i was experiencing. in the other hand...i lost tons of my time, though it was lost whatever i could do.

Derok, could you give an in depth explanation of how you are feeling now, and what you are still struggling with exactly? I know you are sensitive to lots of stuff among other things? I would love to know everything you still struggle with (as crazy as that sounds).
 
Well I'm afraid Imma maybe have to go on antidepressants soon too. It doesnt feel fair I have fought so hard, harder than most even I feel, but I have gotten literally zero improvement in seven months. I'm starting to get so tired. It feels like ashame to give up now but you know there are limits. It feels a bit unfair that everyone is on an upward slope but im not even getting a little better. I'm still in the phase most people are in only the first few weeks you know. Ok enough bitching. So what would be the best SSRI to start with?

dude it took me like a 14 months to realllllllllllly feel improvements. your not that behind.
 
I thought my memory was 100% back on track. Until my brother asked me to go to a music event and when I logged in I had already bought the ticket for that event because he had mentionned it in a conversation a few days prior.

It's been 3 days that i'm in disbelief and angry at myself for not remembering. Trying to reconstruct the memory, creating fake memories in the process. I mean, logging in, selecting ticket, checkout, credit card. It's a long process, how do I not remember?

this happens to normal people as well man. dont blame every fuck on the ltc. its just lapse of memory. it happens
 
Oh man,
I feel like I was at dead end again.
YesterdayI moved from my parents house(I ve been there for the last 3-4 month, since the whole anxiety thing started) to my appartment again. I improved so much ,especially the last weeks.
And now anxiety kicks in so hard. I thought i would be strong enough now to stand this but Im breaking totally down rightnow.
Today was a hard day at university and now Im sitting in my room with anxiety drilling my brain.
With doubts about my progress in university and fears of canceling it.
I just need a way to calm that anxiety down....fucking kills me
 
well lastly my mild anxiety evolved to a very light racing mind days, actually i just dont eat gluten and cow mild (but im drinking goat kefir. Im taking some supplements that i truly believe that made a huge impact on my improvement. along my ltc i was having a annoying feeling, i felt my right and left side of my body "different" i could say that i felt more in my left. after taking 2 months the supplement i thought i was deficient (or maybe i just cannot take it from the diet) i can promise that i had a immediate improvement that never felt before.

Actually im just taking some muscle relaxers for my bruxism (and nightly mucle tension) , supplements and faith.
i dont know if the bruxism will subside, but i have guess it is solving while the left overs of my brain zaps fade (some days i have stronger zaps just at night, when they followed me from the morning months ago)

If you ask me i thing that the drug trigger something from myself so i cant blame it anymore. maybe somebody with different genes can afford this good vibe that mdma brings to you, but maybe im programmed with this achilles heel. im very good at a lot of things xD but not so much at serotonin unbalance meh..

My intellectual skills are pretty good , i can do maths and engineer stuff easily as i did before. my memory is ok too i cant see any differences from what i was.

My own score: well im happier and i hope to go on this way, i have lost so fears in my way but i cant assume a lot of it now, also i improved greatly my english skills just being around bluelight and getting some info about symptoms and stuff (yet not perfect but eh...i was unintelligible before xD)

if somebody want to know what supplements im taking ,ask me, i dont want to sound like a neuro doc when im just a chemical engineer.
 
dude it took me like a 14 months to realllllllllllly feel improvements. your not that behind.

Mate as far as I'm aware (although of course you'd know better), you kinda lost the worst of your panic in 5 months right? Which I consider to be a major fucking achievement by the way I find meditating and stuff to be very hard indeed so not flaming ur here but losing ur anxiety seems to me to be a pretty big improvement. Right? Sorry if I sound a bit negative I'll stop spamming this thread now. Kinda cracking a little bit.
 
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