Lady Bun-Bun
Bluelighter
- Joined
- May 23, 2014
- Messages
- 86
Hey everyone,
Hope you are all having an awesome day. I am new here. I was referred to this site by a Moderator of this site and a good, old friend of mine, who is now my partner all these years later :3
He suggested I join this site for extra support and guidance and advice from a more 'un-involved' perspective...
Sooo my story...
What to say and where to start... Long story short, I have just left a long term relationship (6 years) when he became abusive due to his addiction to drugs.
While some drugs were a part of our life in a regular but positive way, it got out of hand when he came back into contact with speed after 3 years of not having it due to addiction. As we were always together and shared everything, I found myself very quickly being caught up in taking it too regularly and relying on it for everyday existence.
I found that my easy going and positive interaction with many other substances becoming a regular 'requirement' also. Something in the way that I reacted to speed changing my perception, tolerance and self control.
I did my best to stay in control of myself and support my partner through what he was going through but very quickly everything slipped away into an attitude of giving in as it was easier then fighting against everything.
Communication turned to lies and manipulation, love turned to abuse and control and many months of my life turned into nothing more then lying in bed smoking weed and opioids, not speaking until the afternoon when we would get in the car and drive to the dealers house to get speed; my favorite time cause I would get to see and talk to other humans, take speed and whatever else was around and get drunk then go back home to take valium when the boredom and depression got too much.
Life threw some really intense things our way just to stir the pot and the only thing that kept me going was the thought that I was there for other people.
I was always someone who would help others and was good at it. I had the reputation of being able to help others get through full-blown speed psychosis moments.
I did that with the idea that if I kept trying, I would eventually be able to help my partner get through his issues.
After two years of taking speed more and more regularly, I stopped being able to help others as I realized the person I loved was dead and gone and life was nothing more then my next cocktail of whatever I could get my hands on to forget and feel good. I had lost the fight of self control and I no longer even recognized myself. The way I thought and spoke had changed, I was just another addict, all that I had been and the beautiful life I had once lived seemed a distant fairytale I could barely remember. Old habits of self harm returned.
Then I wasn't allowed to go with him anymore because the other addicts, the only people I knew anymore, started worrying about me and that made him jealous. So I would stay at home and got to play on the internet.
I spoke to old friends again, people I missed so dearly. It made it worse because I wanted to see them but was too far away to visit, until his mother was in the hospital close to a friend's place and I got to see some very special people to me.
On the 11th of April, the third visit after the hospital my friends told me I should not go home with him and so I didn't. I have not seen my ex since due to fear of abuse.
I have not been clean since but I have been very careful of all of the things that were part of the last two years. I have not touched speed since and that has been very hard. A lot of the time I still feel I can't get through without it.
I have had my Black Rabbit of Inlè there for me every single day and I appreciate him and his support more then I could ever express or repay. I would not have made it through and be here today if not for you
Hope you are all having an awesome day. I am new here. I was referred to this site by a Moderator of this site and a good, old friend of mine, who is now my partner all these years later :3
He suggested I join this site for extra support and guidance and advice from a more 'un-involved' perspective...
Sooo my story...
What to say and where to start... Long story short, I have just left a long term relationship (6 years) when he became abusive due to his addiction to drugs.
While some drugs were a part of our life in a regular but positive way, it got out of hand when he came back into contact with speed after 3 years of not having it due to addiction. As we were always together and shared everything, I found myself very quickly being caught up in taking it too regularly and relying on it for everyday existence.
I found that my easy going and positive interaction with many other substances becoming a regular 'requirement' also. Something in the way that I reacted to speed changing my perception, tolerance and self control.
I did my best to stay in control of myself and support my partner through what he was going through but very quickly everything slipped away into an attitude of giving in as it was easier then fighting against everything.
Communication turned to lies and manipulation, love turned to abuse and control and many months of my life turned into nothing more then lying in bed smoking weed and opioids, not speaking until the afternoon when we would get in the car and drive to the dealers house to get speed; my favorite time cause I would get to see and talk to other humans, take speed and whatever else was around and get drunk then go back home to take valium when the boredom and depression got too much.
Life threw some really intense things our way just to stir the pot and the only thing that kept me going was the thought that I was there for other people.
I was always someone who would help others and was good at it. I had the reputation of being able to help others get through full-blown speed psychosis moments.
I did that with the idea that if I kept trying, I would eventually be able to help my partner get through his issues.
After two years of taking speed more and more regularly, I stopped being able to help others as I realized the person I loved was dead and gone and life was nothing more then my next cocktail of whatever I could get my hands on to forget and feel good. I had lost the fight of self control and I no longer even recognized myself. The way I thought and spoke had changed, I was just another addict, all that I had been and the beautiful life I had once lived seemed a distant fairytale I could barely remember. Old habits of self harm returned.
Then I wasn't allowed to go with him anymore because the other addicts, the only people I knew anymore, started worrying about me and that made him jealous. So I would stay at home and got to play on the internet.
I spoke to old friends again, people I missed so dearly. It made it worse because I wanted to see them but was too far away to visit, until his mother was in the hospital close to a friend's place and I got to see some very special people to me.
On the 11th of April, the third visit after the hospital my friends told me I should not go home with him and so I didn't. I have not seen my ex since due to fear of abuse.
I have not been clean since but I have been very careful of all of the things that were part of the last two years. I have not touched speed since and that has been very hard. A lot of the time I still feel I can't get through without it.
I have had my Black Rabbit of Inlè there for me every single day and I appreciate him and his support more then I could ever express or repay. I would not have made it through and be here today if not for you
