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1.5 months of anxiety comedown

thejibberman

Bluelighter
Joined
Apr 20, 2014
Messages
200
Hey, I'm not sure if there is a certain place I need to put this thread but this seemed the most accurate.

Anyway, in my total drug history I have rarely smoked weed, i'm talking like once a year at max. And MDMA i've taken in total 3 times, those two before were actually awesome! however this third one....

Also I'm 18 years old.

Back on the 8th of march I went to this night out where some really known DJ's were playing, I drank about 3 bottles of bud not knowing I was going to do any drugs, and my friends came up from home (I'm in Uni) and were doing drugs, MDMA. Anyway about halfway into the night I was like "fuck it" and took a small bomb (VERY SMALL) so i'm unaware of how much I took. Had an alright time, friends took way more than I did, woke up the next day not feeling the best thinking it's just a usual comedown, to my surprise after a good three days of this comedown, I felt super anxious and worried with some depersonalisation. I felt empty, lost and was in fear of just so many things, also I had very strange thoughts, like lots of mould and dirt (very strange I know). I actually watched a documentary about some homeless neighbourhood in america and had to turn it off because I was so scared of becoming homeless.

The strange thing is, my friends had exactly what I had, with way higher amounts than what I did, and were fine after a few days.

A week later I went to the doctors, it took me forever to get the appointment and I was honestly walking around the city for a good three hours waiting thinking I was going absolutely crazy, suffering from a bit of social anxiety too, and he prescribed me with propanolol and said the effects of the MDMA will pass in a few days. They did help a little bit but my thoughts weren't getting any better so I stopped taking the propanolol after a few days.

Unfortunately my cousin died in this space of a heart attack, and my heart was really racing within the first 4 weeks, SO I HAD TO CHECK IT OUT, doctor told me it's a completely healthy heart.

1.5 months down the line here I am still, I've improved a considerable amount, I can go out and talk, have a good night out! however my sleeping problems persist, along with my eye floaters and slight fear and DP. It starts bad in the morning, gets bearable in the evening then in the night trying to sleep it comes back. The strange thoughts don't really come anymore, which is probably the best!

Symptoms in the first week:
DP
DR
Heart racing
Severe Anxiety
Brain fog (lasted for the next 5 weeks)
Strange thoughts
Nightmares
Slight depression (only from all the symptoms)
Eyefloaters

Symptoms now:
DP in the morning
Anxiety all day
Eyefloaters
Heart racing after a night out


So bluelight, when will I feel like the happy, electronic music fanatic, energetic man I used to be? Just to be clear, I really do not want to start any medications if I can get better in time. I just need some reassurance I'm not permanently anxious.
 
Hey pal,

Unfortunately, some people seem to experience negative effects from just casual use of MDMA. A problem is, we never knew what you took exactly, but the important thing is to not dwell on it. Everybody makes mistakes, and the more you live in the past regretting your previous actions, the harder it can become to break the cycle of anxiety. Sometimes simply forcing yourself to recognize damaging thought patterns (like 'oh shit what have I done' or 'will this ever end') and trying to replace them with positive thoughts like 'I'm here in my living room, successfully typing, and feeling ok' can really change how you feel. The first two quotes are examples of thinking in the past or the future. It's been proven that thinking in the past or future evokes more anxiety because it is, essentially, out of your control and that scares the fuck out of us. Basically, try to live in the moment.

So bluelight, when will I feel like the happy, electronic music fanatic, energetic man I used to be? Just to be clear, I really do not want to start any medications if I can get better in time. I just need some reassurance I'm not permanently anxious.

Once again, your fear of being permanently anxious is a symptom of your anxiety. The very consideration that you will be permanently anxious is a statement to the future, which you can only control by sorting out the present. I can 100% reassure you that you won't be permanently anxious. I've seen people experiencing what you are and they have recovered (read this). How long that will take is unknown, and completely out of your control, so focus on sorting out the now. Some good ideas suggested by other's who share your concerns are: regular exercise, healthy diets, abstinence from all drugs (they can act as a psychological trigger), LESS ONLINE READING (this can freak you out more than it solves anything, I've seen it happen), SSRI's can work but some people say they do not help, nootropics drugs may also be beneficial. I realize that abstinence from all drugs and taking SSRI's/nootropics is hypocritical, but you need to find what works for you, and some people report no drugs as better, and other's found SSRI's/anti-depressants and/or nootropic drugs beneficial. If you feel that you want some external, temporary relief, SSRI's can be beneficial - but it's all up to you. I take nootropics everyday and find them beneficial, but once again it is up to you.

I'm going to move your thread to our recovery forum where they can further help you out.

Wishing you a speedy recovery and welcome to BL.
 
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G'day Jibberman & welcome to BL!

JWills put up some really good points there, I myself have gone through bad points of mental problems after nights out on MDMA, but it really does get better, trust me.

Once you start switching your mindset from "oh dear what have I done" etc to "Hey, feeling a little bit better today", over the next few days and weeks things get really better! I had an intense couple of months where my brain fog was just a cloud and I could not think, once I started to change my thinking things started to get a lot easier for myself.

Another trick some people use is to not think about it. That sounds impossible/very silly to some, but when you focus on how nice the clouds are today instead of stressing out about everything, the days become a lot easier and the brain repair really starts kicking into overdrive.

Just try and not stress mate, think about the positives; you're still walking and talking, chilling with your mates and having a laugh and you will be tomorrow and the day after that and the day after that etc. :)


Tl;dr give it a couple months you are definitely going to feel a lot better and everything is gonna be alright. :)
 
^Two great posts above

The effects vary from person to person. I also suffered for about a year from the nasty effects of untested mdma. The advantage that you have is that you did not abuse the drug and I believe that your recovery will be much faster.

What really helped me was proper diet and lots of exercise and time. You are only in 1.5 months and you seem to be getting better. Here is the link of my recovery:

http://www.bluelight.org/vb/threads/701506-My-One-Year-Anniversary

If you have any questions feel free to PM me and I will be happy to help out.
 
Grateful for the responses guys. I also forgot to mention I get slight brain zaps whilst i'm trying to sleep! Unsure whether it's a common symptom. Thanks Maya, sorry to hear you have had it too, yet it is insuring i'm not the only one. I just don't understand how I felt so bad when my friends were completely normal after a couple of days, really annoying. Thanks for the reassurance though! Will post my progress over a few weeks/months.

Wouldn't wish this upon my worst enemy.
 
Thejibbernan my ex and his friend took way more than me and they didn't get the nasty effects. It is different for everyone but I never gave up on recovery. Youll get there dont you worry. I got brain zaps too and they were really bad but they went away. It just takes a lot of time and patience.
 
I woke up feeling a lot better today, until I sat down. So basically have I caused brain damage? I forgot to mention that I'm allergic to penicillin and I read on the net that people with penicillin break down enzymes much slower or something... not sure if it's related but yeah! Somedays it honestly gets me so down I just feel like crying. Infact the only thing making me carry on this enduring pain is that I have felt a *slight* better over the time I've had it, meaning I can improve. My concentration, mood and sleep are all terrible at the moment, but it's getting back to normal I think. I'll give it another 5 months and just chill out over summer.

It sucks. I can't even sleep easily.
 
I woke up feeling a lot better today, until I sat down. So basically have I caused brain damage? I forgot to mention that I'm allergic to penicillin and I read on the net that people with penicillin break down enzymes much slower or something... not sure if it's related but yeah! Somedays it honestly gets me so down I just feel like crying. Infact the only thing making me carry on this enduring pain is that I have felt a *slight* better over the time I've had it, meaning I can improve. My concentration, mood and sleep are all terrible at the moment, but it's getting back to normal I think. I'll give it another 5 months and just chill out over summer.

It sucks. I can't even sleep easily.

It's highly unlikely that you've caused brain damage from such minimal use. To dwell on whether you've caused brain damage is once again another symptom of the anxiety. The best way to improve is to accept what has happened and ignore things that are out of your control. Like even if you have caused brain damage, what can you do about it? What's happened has happened and you have to accept that before you can move on and begin to recover. Chances are the more physical effects (such as the brain zaps and eye floaters) will reduce over time. Your psychological well-being will also improve quicker the better you're able to truely accept what's happened, psychologically adjust, and move on to accept the unpredictability of the future. You'll come out the other end a stronger, resilient person.
 
Yeah I think I should take the advice and just attempt to get into a new thought pattern. Is there anyone else who has recovered from this? I thought I should add that during that night I took it, the club was extremely hot as the air con wasn't working, however I did take loads of breaks and was drinking water! Just need to start sleeping properly now, I haven't been to sleep before 12am in a very long time.

Thanks JWills!
 
^It was very hard for me to focus on the few months and I had constant panic attacks from the first to the 3rd month. The most frustrating part is when you are trying to work and you get a panic attack. I had to take lots of breaks from work and just go take a breather but it was so hard to act like everything was okay. I was asked by two of my coworkers if something was wrong but unfortunately I can't open up to them of course. I spend hours and hours trying to find a cure from the internet and just made it worse because reading through the scary stories just made me worry even more. I would suggest to try not to read so much comedown stories online because we tend to compare ourselves and our recovery. Recovery for everyone is different, even if some of us have similar symptoms, the timeline of recovery will always be different.
 
Does anyone think we could have triggered a mild PTSD? I've been reading an anxiety book I ordered off Amazon, and it seems my symptoms correlate with PTSD, which does make sense as I totally freaked out whilst on ecstasy/in the comedown about my health. I think I've convinced myself I haven't done any brain damage (and was able to sleep like a baby last night THANK GOD). However I was curious in using MDMA again (perhaps with a psychotherapists permission/supervision) and have a good trip to knock me out of this emotionally numb state that I'm currently in, thoughts?

Really looking on paying for a psychotherapist over the summer, I have no idea how anyone could live like this.
 
Does anyone think we could have triggered a mild PTSD? I've been reading an anxiety book I ordered off Amazon, and it seems my symptoms correlate with PTSD, which does make sense as I totally freaked out whilst on ecstasy/in the comedown about my health. I think I've convinced myself I haven't done any brain damage (and was able to sleep like a baby last night THANK GOD). However I was curious in using MDMA again (perhaps with a psychotherapists permission/supervision) and have a good trip to knock me out of this emotionally numb state that I'm currently in, thoughts?

Really looking on paying for a psychotherapist over the summer, I have no idea how anyone could live like this.


It is also possible, what happened to me was very traumatic, and up to now I am still terrified of what was happened to me in 2012. The good thing about it though is that I learned so much in a way that you have to be really careful with what you put in your body, such as testing the mdma etc and proper doses.

On the other hand, I don't think I will be doing mdma anymore. Even thinking about it right now gives me anxiety tbh.
 
Hi guys, after feeling a lot better for a few days, I went away from home for a couple of days and got into a mess, I just broke down and I had to drop everything and return home. I visited the doctors today and said it couldn't have been the MDMA and that there are (truthfully) other factors that have caused this depression and anxiety. So he prescribed me on Citalopram which I just took my first pill of. I couldn't live any longer feeling absolutely horrible. I didn't abuse the MDMA so none of my serotonin axons or receptors are damaged. What do you guys think?
 
^That's great that you are feeling better!!!

I couldn't tell you, but what I know is that what you took might have triggered depression and anxiety just like what triggered my anxiety/panic attacks. What I can tell you is that your receptors are not damaged but slightly altered and will go back to normal in time.
 
In this last week I've gone from what I'd say 60% to 85%. Anxiety is barely lingering anymore (a little bit in the morning) I didn't end up taking the Citalopram. I took two pills and got sweaty and scary side effects so I stopped. Very glad I did before it was too late too. The only symptoms left are my depression and anxiety. I'm only depressed because of this whole ordeal though. Music sounds way better, like I could rave to like just before. I'm beginning to be able to have fun again without worrying! I reckon if I give it another month I'll be back to me.

Thanks everybody for the support, I'll definitely stick around to share a recovery stories for those who just started the long-term comedown. A great website.
 
It's been 3.5 months now. Thought I should give a small update.

Things are much better. Symptoms are still there, eye floaters etc. but I genuinely think I only noticed them due to the panic attack 4 weeks in. I'm no longer cloudy, the de-realisation is actually at a point where it's barely noticeable. I still worry about a lot of things to do with my health and stuff, but it's manageable at the moment. I think the problems I'm facing at the moment is the thought patterns. I genuinely believe I should stop visiting bluelight as it physically mimics my worry, and I only come here when I'm shrouded in anxiety (apart from now). And depression is way past gone. I'm just trying to feel normal now!

I like to think at about 8 months I should be back to normal. I noticed I felt so much better after quitting looking things up and learning about the brain. A lot of people struggling with this condition needs to understand that the brain and the mind are completely different. It's not brain damage.

I'm hoping this is a farewell for a couple of months. Thanks Bluelight once again!
 
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