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Vent/Rant Thread vs I'll tell you how I really feel (Triggering Content)

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Hey everyone, thanks for the kind caring concern!

I'll be honest Evey, I'm really out of it, dazed and confused. There's a thick fog concentrated in the right hand side of my head. I think I've had a valid concussion. I did recall smacking my head on the steering wheel, and my hand is fairly bruised/cut up as a consequence of the fact that I extended my arm and basically forcibly palmed the steering wheel in an instinctive attempt to keep myself from going through the windshield. Luckily I had my seatbelt on, otherwise I would have went straight through that flimsy plate glass exterior and done an enormous amount of damage.

This morning was pure chaos. When I first posted here I was just in acceptant shock, but I realized the gravity of what happened this afternoon. I'm incredibly lucky. After crashing the car I got out, lit a cigarette and started wandering around the road. A neighbor passed me and asked if I was okay. I said I was. He told me to call the cops, which I did. Bad call. Bad, bad call. Immediately after calling the cops and reporting the wreck, I realized I still had 12 30 mg oxycodone tablets in my car. I panicked and took all of them. I also took a bottle of wine I've had laying in my backseat for a month now and threw it into the woods. I can reasonably tolerate 180-200 mg of oxy at this stage, but 12 30s really threw me over the edge. The cops showed up, I gave them my keys. They seemed very suspicious and searched my car- they diligently looked through my center console/glove compartment and just scanned my back/front seat. When they frisked me I voluntarily emptied my pockets and they looked through all of my cigarette packages. I'm very lucky I took the pills, otherwise I would have been arrested instead of given a ride home. That experience was awful- I'm 6'4 and though very skinny, the backseats of cop cars have not become any more luxurious, spacious or accommodating since the last time I had the pleasure of traveling as a vehicular ward of the state. So I'm doing my best not to vomit, not nod into oblivion in the back of this patrol car and I'm so cramped and unnaturally compacted that I can't even move around or secretly itch myself and it was very uncomfortable at the time. But eventually the tow truck arrived, the cops gave me back my license/papers and let me go at the bottom of my driveway. The pills have begun to wear off, and my head is filled with fog. I don't feel like myself. I don't like it. But I've had many concussions before, and I simply need to rest for two or three days, recuperate, and I'll be good as new. Thanks again everyone, it means a lot :) So I probably won't be using the computer very much for the next 48-72 hours, so if you don't see me around, I'm fine, just sleeping/resting!
 
The inevitable has finally become real.

I'm being booted out of my room in exactly 1 week.
My local parents are moving to melbourne in 3 and trying to sell their house at the moment ( = cant go stay there for a while)
My interstate parents I argued with over christmas and they rescinded their invitation for me to come and live with them or in one of (yes.. there are many) their vacant properties.
My friends all ditched my over xmas/new years.

Maybe I can find some mindless laborious work in a small country town where I can lay low for a while, with no drug scene and no dodgy doctors. :? Feel very alone. My local parents have always been there for me when I need, but without that I just dont know. My drug addiction has been off the rails the past few weeks... its the only way to escape, but of course it just makes things worse in the longterm.

Cartesia, I'm really sorry to hear that. :(

Mindless laborious work, I've found, if you throw your heart and soul into it, pretend your on a chain gang- it can actually be rewarding, provided you enter into it with a certain pre-requisite level of despair. In my experience it can leave you so tired you don't have the energy to self-destroy.
 
the way I really feel is hard to describe.I don't crave weed,but i feel loopy and restless.
cigarettes are my solution so far.i already smoked a pack and half today,it's3:30pm.
gonna start the supplements and exercise when I'm a little better.
so yeah,I'm doing it(no weed)and compared to what I've been through before this is ok.

but cigs….next:lung cancer.
 
Hey everyone, thanks for the kind caring concern!

I'll be honest Evey, I'm really out of it, dazed and confused. There's a thick fog concentrated in the right hand side of my head. I think I've had a valid concussion. I did recall smacking my head on the steering wheel, and my hand is fairly bruised/cut up as a consequence of the fact that I extended my arm and basically forcibly palmed the steering wheel in an instinctive attempt to keep myself from going through the windshield. Luckily I had my seatbelt on, otherwise I would have went straight through that flimsy plate glass exterior and done an enormous amount of damage.

This morning was pure chaos. When I first posted here I was just in acceptant shock, but I realized the gravity of what happened this afternoon. I'm incredibly lucky. After crashing the car I got out, lit a cigarette and started wandering around the road. A neighbor passed me and asked if I was okay. I said I was. He told me to call the cops, which I did. Bad call. Bad, bad call. Immediately after calling the cops and reporting the wreck, I realized I still had 12 30 mg oxycodone tablets in my car. I panicked and took all of them. I also took a bottle of wine I've had laying in my backseat for a month now and threw it into the woods. I can reasonably tolerate 180-200 mg of oxy at this stage, but 12 30s really threw me over the edge. The cops showed up, I gave them my keys. They seemed very suspicious and searched my car- they diligently looked through my center console/glove compartment and just scanned my back/front seat. When they frisked me I voluntarily emptied my pockets and they looked through all of my cigarette packages. I'm very lucky I took the pills, otherwise I would have been arrested instead of given a ride home. That experience was awful- I'm 6'4 and though very skinny, the backseats of cop cars have not become any more luxurious, spacious or accommodating since the last time I had the pleasure of traveling as a vehicular ward of the state. So I'm doing my best not to vomit, not nod into oblivion in the back of this patrol car and I'm so cramped and unnaturally compacted that I can't even move around or secretly itch myself and it was very uncomfortable at the time. But eventually the tow truck arrived, the cops gave me back my license/papers and let me go at the bottom of my driveway. The pills have begun to wear off, and my head is filled with fog. I don't feel like myself. I don't like it. But I've had many concussions before, and I simply need to rest for two or three days, recuperate, and I'll be good as new. Thanks again everyone, it means a lot :) So I probably won't be using the computer very much for the next 48-72 hours, so if you don't see me around, I'm fine, just sleeping/resting!

Have you not been to hospital??? I thought the police would have taken you to hospital. I'm shocked they'd arrest you for having painkillers surely they'd have thought them a script off the doctor. Is there not a way you can get yourself checked out? It's important you've been through a hell of an ordeal n I'm disgusted that the police did not take you to hospital. We're all here for you n if you are unable to get online for awhile that's ok you just rest up ok n take care of yourself. We'll still be here when you get back n will listen anytime xxxx

I wrote a post for cap H But can't find it i must have forget to click send - sorry you're here because you're trying to sort your life out - you've got off suboxone/opiate which is inspiring n helpful to others. I can't imagine how hard it's been giving up suboxone but you've done it n that 's why you're here. Please take care of you.

S*** I've done a DP by accident - can someone merge it please? Really sorry
 
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Rip Daniel Christie.. Victim of a king hit in kings cross in Sydney on New Year's Eve. Second time in a year this has happend, and it was less then 50 metres from the first one... It's unbelievable. I didn't know the dude personally, but I know his brother. It's sickening. God I can only imagine what the family must be going through right now. I hope the guy who did it 'Shaun McNeil' rots in jail.

RIP.
 
^thats awful what is happening to this world seriously!!
 
I know Maya. I'm not sure how the problem is around other parts of the world, but alcohol fueled violence is a major problem in Sydney. I'm in a bit of shock, and for almost 2 weeks was hoping he would wake up. His family made the heartbreaking decision to turn life support off just a couple hours ago.

It only takes one punch to kill someone. And in this case that's what happend. He was struck once(for no reason I should add!)and got knocked out, as a result he's fallen back and hit his head on the pavement. I can't get over how often this happens.. It's an absolute joke.

I know there's a bluelight shrine for these types of posts, although he wasn't a member. That's my rant for the day. Be safe everyone.
 
^I have watched documentaries about crimes in Latin American countries and the drug cartels control the public. I have watched documentaries about young assassins in El Salvador where two rival gangs are fighting "Mara Salvatrucha and Mara 18 if I recall correctly and a young 14 year old dont have a choice but to join because if he/she dont they will be killed. So Awful and depressing too
 
I've seen similar documentarys. This world is a fucked up place no doubt. I don't believe in religions or a 'god'. I believe 'hell' isn't somewhere you go after you die, but is what we have created on earth.
 
^exactly, humans create their own hell, their own problems specifically societal problems.
 
Lady Maya with all the wisdom you have at such an early age I think your life is going to be pure majic<3
 
Early age I'm not sure about that but early enlightenment yes ♡
 
Right now, I'm full of hatred and jealousy towards people who socialize and meet new people easily. I was supposed to go to a show with a friend. The friend bailed on me, and I was left to stand around awkwardly, unable to connect with anyone at the venue. I just don't get it. As bad as it sounds, I can relate to the loners who snap and shoot up heavily populated areas like schools, malls, parking lots, movie theaters, etc.
However, instead of hurting others, I would hurt myself by using heroin. Now that I'm on suboxone, I have to deal with every ill feeling I'm experiencing. It sucks and makes me wish there was a mass-murder simulator to let off steam with.
 
#FUCKinsomnia


Sleep deprivation takes all my negative feelings and emotions and makes them 10 times worse. Pretty perfect timing, considering earlier i decided not to try and escape my feelings anymore and to just be ok with experiencing them. I still am content with experiencing the pain as a method of growing and getting over it - but I didn't anticipate an episode of more severe insomnia then usual the same night I decide to do so. Though maybe letting myself feel is the cause of the insomnia right now.. who knows.
 
Right now, I'm full of hatred and jealousy towards people who socialize and meet new people easily. I was supposed to go to a show with a friend. The friend bailed on me, and I was left to stand around awkwardly, unable to connect with anyone at the venue. I just don't get it. As bad as it sounds, I can relate to the loners who snap and shoot up heavily populated areas like schools, malls, parking lots, movie theaters, etc.
However, instead of hurting others, I would hurt myself by using heroin. Now that I'm on suboxone, I have to deal with every ill feeling I'm experiencing. It sucks and makes me wish there was a mass-murder simulator to let off steam with.

I don't find myself terribly weird or different, though what you explain in how I would act in the situation you were in. Nobody just walks up to strangers and starts a convo.. and beyond that if the strangers obliged I don't think they'd be looking for a long term friendship. Usually people go to venues with someone they already plan on socializing with.

Unless it's a venue where people are taking drugs (i.e. MDMA), and it's main aim is to be social cuddly with every tom dick and harry they make eye contact with, then I really don't think it's in the norm for you to feel comfortable just walking up to anyone and striking up a convo for longer than a simple "can I have a light?", or "good show".

I don't think you're any different from anyone else. I don't think anyone has the ability to meet new people randomly like that..and by god if they do I'm pretty sure they're an alien. So don't let it eat you alive ;) <3.
 
Nocturne, SH has a point. I know how it has to feel uncomfortable in a social event especial when on my own. As stardust says when people *socialise* talk with a stranger in a party it's just to be social n pass the time not necessarily to start a long term friendship (though it may have happened occasionally). How long have you been taken suboxone for? Its takes awhile to stabilise on suboxone n for your moods to balance n to get used to things. I am awkward socially n find that suboxone helps me feel more confident. You're welcome to PM me if you want someone to talk to.
 
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