Ya know, I feel like the more people tell me "don't", the more it makes me want to do the opposite. Perhaps it's oppositional defiant disorder ha? I don't know "stop" "don't" "be quiet" anything that tells me what to be seems to further notice curiosity ahaha. So ya know what, I am not gonna tell anyone they should or should not do somethig. All I can and will do is share a perspective. Don't try heroin, the anxiety and depressions stays. Try heroin, and the anxiety and depression will worsen. It is certain and futile. Sober, who knows what way your mental health will turn. But on opiates, your mental health without a doubt will become worse like you can't imagine. I look back now at when I was depressed and started doing opiates at 16, and ya know what? That depression and fear and anxiety I had back at then was NOTHING compared to the pain and fear and utter hopelessness I feel now.. I look back and often wish I knew then what I do now (cuz then I'd realize it's not so bad, but life can never work out like that, that's just too easy and predictable ha)
So one way or another, sober or trying heroin, you will have to face and deal with this depression and anxiety. So if you do try some, keep in mind, at first it will do what you want. In the pop of a pill and snort of a line, you instantaneously will be relieved of your issues, not because it's helping, but because temporarily, you just don't care. About anything. Sitting in a closet can be bliss... and that's where the slow decline begins. Instead of training your brain to adopt healthy habits to combat pain and fear and stress, you now will develop an easy way out. No effort. Ever heard that saying "nothing worth having comes easy?" Well that applies to opiates. Coping with stress and pain in a worthwhile and truly beneficial way is a BITCH. It's HARD. Where as popping a pill or smokin a hit is as easy as it gets.
And as we all know, by nature, our brains take the path of least resistance. But it's that easy route that fails to challenge us.. it fails to enlighten us and help us grow. Thus leading to the slow decent of self loathing. Even the rare few people who manage to hold a 6 figure job and a family, still live in anxiety and fear.
And at the end of the day, that's where we all will forever stay (while actively using) will our hook stay reliable? Will the product stay reliable? It's just another bill to maintain. Not to mention the inevitable corrosion of your stomach and lungs. Even if your hook is immortal and has dope of the gods for all eternity, your insides are breaking down, and that alone is a whole nother stressful hell.
There is no escaping the depression and anxiety. So if you would like momentary relief, and the cost of guaranteed misery later, well hey at least you weren't ignorant about it and educated yourself. (I find not blaming others is good for transcending to a better place in your soul) I just have to advise you, eventually, one day you will wake up and realize you need more dope to achieve the same affects. Until you plateau. And you either need to take so much that you OD, or you just agree to take a dose that no longer makes you feel euphoria, you simply feel "normal", and "not sick", but still mentally struggling...
It is the epitome of insidious. It creeps so slow. For some it takes decades, me, simply 3 years...
the first step to addiction is recreational use. Every user of elicit substances started out recreational (for the majority)
Ya do it here and there. And then one day you find a steady hook. When you show your brain a form of relief and pleasure and reward, and that relief and reward suddenly is your new neighbor or new friend who has a steady supply and is cool to hit up... well it's damn near impossible to refuse. ESPECIALLY if you are prone to depression AND your environment is shit. It's a game of Russian roulette with crap odds. I believe the very very few people who have been able to not spiral into chaos with their addiction, well they don't deal with debilitating mental illness (even before addiction), they have good people in their lives, they live in a nice environment, they have a huge passion/creative outlet that they focus on a lot, they have pre established profound responsibilities that keep them motivated to stay functional, they have established financial security, and last but not least, they don't have a hook that is available at any moment everyday.....
Ahh ok. End rant. Damn that was long.. my bad. Just remember... INSIDIOUS!
:D I truly wish your soul luck chica...
Sincerely,
-Danielle (north Jerz)
