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I Just Need To Post Vs. Lend me your eyes and ears, your wisdom and beauty.

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I'm headed back to school today after taking a one month haitus following my epilepsy diagnosis. I am so excited! I'm doing a second masters in Addiction/Chemical Dependency Therapy. It has been amazing so far, and is certainly helping my own recovery as I learn the skills to help and heal others who have this disease.
 
^^^^

Awesome!

I'm making my second attempt at uni and I'm really enjoying learning but I relapsed half way through the year and have underperformed and been playing catch up ever since. Concentrating for extended periods is really difficult for me and being on a benzo script is making it a nightmare trying to commit stuff to memory.

I'm just hoping I make it through this year because I will get the opportunity to start afresh next year when stuff actually starts counting towards my final score. I'm going to do the best I can to make it through then I can get clean over the summer and hopefully do myself justice in terms of the work I produce. So angry at myself for having wasted and my academic/cognitive ability over the years through drugs and then fucked up YET again now I'm back in education.

I know I have to get over that mindset and just get on with life but at the moment I'm so pissed off with myself for having gone from being a top 1/2 percentile student when I was 13 to where I'm at now. There's some dangerous pride stuff going on there too, for some reason I can't be happy unless I'm the best (which I'm not anymore, by a fucking long shot).
 
Zwanya said:
I'm headed back to school today after taking a one month haitus following my epilepsy diagnosis. I am so excited! I'm doing a second masters in Addiction/Chemical Dependency Therapy. It has been amazing so far, and is certainly helping my own recovery as I learn the skills to help and heal others who have this disease.
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Looks like we are now students again ;)

I have never been this excited about school and going to class. I used to hate going to school before like it is some type of chore that needed to get done. There were subjects that I loved like history but I just didn't see school as a fun place to be in. I hated my classmates specially in high school because most of them are bullies! They were girls but the attitude and the cruelty was unbelievable.
 
I wish I was going to school.

I'm fucking scared I don't want to work a shit 9 to 5 for the rest of my life but I have no other talents.
This is making me insane.

I feel like a monkey breaking out of a zoo cage out of fear and KNOWING i'm gonna get caught and put back in there.
 
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Don't you mean college, plmar ? We don't go to school over 18 here.
Sorry for how you're feeling mate. Why can't you go to college? You could do evening class if you wanted to?
There's always a solution to the problem.

You're all lucky going back to uni. I've just withdrawal from my masters n my uni were cold about it. No "sorry you're leaving" or offering to help just closed it like that. Sod the amount of money I've paid or that they didn't give me the material in the format I needed for my disability. P**** me off thinking about it, to be honest.

Evey xxxx
 
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I went to college for 2 years it was a waste of time.
I wish I could go back to secondary school and change everything, re-live that part of my life. I ruined it during those years.


Just can't get some of these thoughts out my head, does depression ever fuck off? So far I know neither working nor exercise helps, if so then what does?


And Evey I didn't dare go to Uni, would never have fit in. Would have been worse than college.
 
Maya said:
Looks like we are now students again ;)

I have never been this excited about school and going to class. I used to hate going to school before like it is some type of chore that needed to get done. There were subjects that I loved like history but I just didn't see school as a fun place to be in. I hated my classmates specially in high school because most of them are bullies! They were girls but the attitude and the cruelty was unbelievable.
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What are you studying, Maya? Are you starting grad school?
 
Plmar they treated me like shit. We had guest speakers n they weren't informed of my visual impairment. Of course their info wasn't enlarged for me n the groups I were put in with just ignored me n talked amongst themselves.

I came home once that depressed I tried ODIng on citralopram but nothing happened n flung the toaster across the room.

Just felt so inadequate n stupid! It didn't help that another student, a psychology lecturer, decided that she didn't like me n made snotty comments like obesity leads loss of eyesight. But, of course, because she acted like she was studying then no one saw that she was being nasty.

They can stick their masters where the sun doesn't shine, up their ****. I now have a postgrad certificate, which I s'pose is something.

Evey
 
We can listen to you, CH, n be there for you. But it's up to you if you feel you would be able to open up to us. *hugs*
Evey xxxx
 
plmar said:
That's just about how I imagine uni to be like tbh.
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Yep. If you have a disability don't expect help
Or support. Oh they'll be supportive at first unless, well most know my feelings n repeating them will cause a heluva lot of drama or I'll refrain from doing so.
In my case I also think a certain medication was at fault to.

Plmar, don't be hard on yourself over wasted years, you're working n earning that's a good thing.

Evey xxxx
 
Eveleivibe said:
We can listen to you, CH, n be there for you. But it's up to you if you feel you would be able to open up to us. *hugs*
Evey xxxx
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Ok well I will try

Ever since I quit suboxone 137 days ago, I have become increasingly dysfunctional

I am still having really bad issues with PTSD

I know it's up to me to make positive changes, but I don't feel able to do what I need to.

I don't want to reach out and get help

I am unable to see a doctor/psychiatrist; as a result I don't take meds and haven't this whole year

The only drug I use now is weed.

There is more that is upsetting me but I would find it hard to talk about right now.
 
Captain.Heroin said:
I am very unhappy with myself.
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^^ This is very much central to many of my own problems and I'm pretty sure it's a problem for many other s as well.

Someone very important to me once said 'if only you loved yourself even a little as much as I love you, you'd feel so much better'

You're valued here CH and I'm sure there are many people IRL that value you as well, we all have faults and flaws, at least I do :)
 
Allein said:
^^ This is very much central to many of my own problems and I'm pretty sure it's a problem for many other s as well.

Someone very important to me once said 'if only you loved yourself even a little as much as I love you, you'd feel so much better'

You're valued here CH and I'm sure there are many people IRL that value you as well, we all have faults and flaws, at least I do :)
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Agreed.
Allein that's lovely what that person said to you.

Evey
 
Captain.Heroin said:
Ok well I will try

Ever since I quit suboxone 137 days ago, I have become increasingly dysfunctional

I am still having really bad issues with PTSD

I know it's up to me to make positive changes, but I don't feel able to do what I need to.

I don't want to reach out and get help

I am unable to see a doctor/psychiatrist; as a result I don't take meds and haven't this whole year

The only drug I use now is weed.

There is more that is upsetting me but I would find it hard to talk about right now.
Click to expand...

Try doing your best to reach out and help other people instead if you're not ready to ask for help yourself. Might help you forget yourself for a while.

I can think of someone who's always in need of a kind word...

<3
 
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