Solipsis
Bluelight Crew
- Joined
- Mar 12, 2007
- Messages
- 15,509
In the day prior to the following combination / mixture I had already used a copious amount of MXE and the custom ketamine isomer preparate. I also used mirtazapine daily at 7.5 mg each night, which is a pretty low dose. I never really experienced drug interactions that were out of the ordinary i.e. anything other than simply additive.
Then within the course of ~15 minutes:
> 125-150 mg ketamine (75% S-isomer : 25% R-isomer)
> 100 mg MXE
3 mg freebase 5-MeO-DMT freebase dissolved in 0.9% NaCl solution using citric acid
Background:
My previous experience with drugs, especially psychedelics, is extensive. I have tried mushrooms, LSD, mescaline, DMT and many
synthetic tryptamines and phenethylamines, plus a wide array of stimulants, dissociatives, sedatives, opioids, cannabinoids, and most other common drugs and also a lot of pharmaceuticals, etc etc. However in the last half year I tripped rarely mainly because I got a prescription for mirtazapine and thought it best not to complicate matters, at the very least until a few months later when a new homeostasis would be reached.
Also I assumed it would not work anyway because of mirtazapine's 5-HT2A antagonism. Then again it is a direct or indirect 5-HT1A agonist which 5-MeO-DMT also acts on IIRC.
Set & Setting:
I had been tumbling down a spiral of depression and despair for weeks. My oversensitivity to emotional burden sparked reactions of
dissociation from my myself and my feelings and fixation on things that would distract and entertain me, while still allowing some personal and intellectual growth.
In these previous weeks I had returned from a 5 week visit at my parents (they are separated) for some vacation. It is still not entirely clear what caused these problems but I feel like a gross lack of time to spend alone and the pressure of having my father develop a serious case of inflammation (which started to present itself - very vaguely - even before we went to France for a week) left me increasingly unable to cope.
I'm waiting to get a second or third opinion to confirm but I probably have PDD-NOS, which is probably why I have a limited tolerance for socializing and a need for regularity.
In this downward spiral I was physically exhausted, even without encumbering intoxication. But I am certain the drugs I started taking didn't do me any good either. This included a 2-day MDPV binge (after which I wrote an analysis on the dynamics of my relapse which had nice insights, I will share that with you later) and frequent drinking during this 5-week period. And when I returned home I continued with oxycodone.
In the couple of days ramping up to this trip I ate less and less and I switched from oxycodone to the MXE and ketamine I had received. The short overlap of using these dissociatives together with oxycodone was horribly nauseating, and I vomited repeatedly. I also turned my circadian rhythm around, sleeping during the day and watching movies and series during the night.
For better or worse, I felt like I could not possibly bear any more, something had to change or something had got to give. I really felt as if I was inside out.
I put on the film Koyaanisquatsi and shot myself up with twice the highest dose of this dissociatives cocktail I had taken during these days. Quickly but surely I started to unravel and while due to my huge tolerance there were no real psychedelic effects to deal with, I found it ever more difficult to maintain my grip.
Taking 5-MeO-DMT and or N,N-DMT intramuscularly felt like something I had to do to relieve myself on the deepest level, even though I was very anxious to go through it. It seemed like I was changing my mind about it every alternating moment. During this time I tried to prepare a dose, but figuring it out calculating with concentrations was very difficult for me due to the extra high dose of dissociatives, and for some reason I had not put a concentration on my N,N-DMT vial.
I could not make sense of the concentration listed on the 5-MeO-DMT label but I remembered that I once took 10 units equalling 1 mg (which was very intense). Even so I measured 30 units (= 3 mg, excluding the citrate) and when the desperation broke the residue of my resisting will, I took the dose.
The experience:
A stupendous sensation impregnated my awareness, and it was as if every sliver of sight, feeling and sound expanded and unfolded from itself. The towering intensity that kept accumulating together with this expansion made me react with gripping gravitas. Like fireworks exploding in fractallizing stages, all the qualia in my mind permutated and sang the eternal glory of everythingness, magnificently orchestrated...
A trillion kilotons of existence bloomed with a brilliance far beyond anything I ever felt before, divine and complex. It was like witnessing the beginning and the end of everything, the universe on every scale giving me the impression that this is just what it is, and it is grand!
I was sure that witnessing this meant certain death, insanity or enlightenment for me.
The amazing score of Koyaanisquatsi was blasting with salvos of arpeggiating organs, it definitely synchronized perfectly with the bombastic nature of the experience. This overwhelming and divine glimpse of profound meaning that apparently laid at the source of all spirituality and works like Beethoven's 9th symphony may be at the core of every consciousness, normally fragmented and differentiated for functionality, to be able to navigate mundanity, but now felt licentiously and limitless as the pure potential of the mind doing what it can without restraint.
What I was seeing best approximates the unencrypted source code (Brahman) in the process of being manifested into a reality facet by the dance of Shiva ("I am become death, destroyer of time"), well... time was destroyed alright.
I had prepared a tablet of 15 mg midazolam for emergencies, since the 1 mg of 5-MeO-DMT I tried a while ago gave my cardiovascular system a scary jolt, or at least it seemed that way.
At some point during the impossible usurpation of the trip I took the tablet in my mouth, but moments later spat it out again. I was all over the place. From absolute certainty of my impending doom one moment, feeling as if I had flopped myself inside out. To feeling my spirit and mortal life being absorbed blissfully into eternity the next, subsequently gaining enough confidence to center myself in deep meditation... and back again.
I was aware of my body manifesting this in several ways, for example spreading my arms and swaying around as if conducting an orchestra or making mudra-like gestures, but also performing a dive roll over my couch onto my king-size bed (not an airborne somersault).
I think the experience lasted about 45 minutes before I came down during a period of approximately 5 minutes. The first half of the trip was beyond internal or external since I lost awareness of myself; everything that happened had so little reference to my individuality and typical non-spiritual sense of humanity that you might as well consider it in a domain outside of space and time.
During the second half of the trip I was basically one step over the threshold.
When I fully re-entered orbit, I was suprised to feel so back to normal... as if I had taken nothing back from it, even more so I felt restored to my most native state, impossibly clear-headed and sober considering the presence of metabolites like norketamine staining my blood.
However one day later, when I started writing the first part of this report I can still feel that it shook me took my core and gave me new inspiration to live. Now, another week later, I am coming along nicely recovering from my desperate period.
My trust in psychedelics as spiritually healing tools has been renewed. Whenever it turns out my non-chemical methods fall short to maintain myself on a deepest level, I may try a psychedelic that seems most appropriate, to help mend the faulty connection between myself and myself. The interface between my thoughts and emotions.
This one made the top 5 of my most intense experiences ever, and I am glad I could witness it but I just wish the despair wasn't necessary to bring me to go on this flight. The trip I can deal with, but such terrible feelings as I was having before it were just hard to bear. I will be try my best to find my routines and regularity again.
Fortunately we are blessed with the purest light deep inside of us that can blow your shit off the hinge if it is tapped.
Then within the course of ~15 minutes:
> 125-150 mg ketamine (75% S-isomer : 25% R-isomer)
> 100 mg MXE
3 mg freebase 5-MeO-DMT freebase dissolved in 0.9% NaCl solution using citric acid
Background:
My previous experience with drugs, especially psychedelics, is extensive. I have tried mushrooms, LSD, mescaline, DMT and many
synthetic tryptamines and phenethylamines, plus a wide array of stimulants, dissociatives, sedatives, opioids, cannabinoids, and most other common drugs and also a lot of pharmaceuticals, etc etc. However in the last half year I tripped rarely mainly because I got a prescription for mirtazapine and thought it best not to complicate matters, at the very least until a few months later when a new homeostasis would be reached.
Also I assumed it would not work anyway because of mirtazapine's 5-HT2A antagonism. Then again it is a direct or indirect 5-HT1A agonist which 5-MeO-DMT also acts on IIRC.
Set & Setting:
I had been tumbling down a spiral of depression and despair for weeks. My oversensitivity to emotional burden sparked reactions of
dissociation from my myself and my feelings and fixation on things that would distract and entertain me, while still allowing some personal and intellectual growth.
In these previous weeks I had returned from a 5 week visit at my parents (they are separated) for some vacation. It is still not entirely clear what caused these problems but I feel like a gross lack of time to spend alone and the pressure of having my father develop a serious case of inflammation (which started to present itself - very vaguely - even before we went to France for a week) left me increasingly unable to cope.
I'm waiting to get a second or third opinion to confirm but I probably have PDD-NOS, which is probably why I have a limited tolerance for socializing and a need for regularity.
In this downward spiral I was physically exhausted, even without encumbering intoxication. But I am certain the drugs I started taking didn't do me any good either. This included a 2-day MDPV binge (after which I wrote an analysis on the dynamics of my relapse which had nice insights, I will share that with you later) and frequent drinking during this 5-week period. And when I returned home I continued with oxycodone.
In the couple of days ramping up to this trip I ate less and less and I switched from oxycodone to the MXE and ketamine I had received. The short overlap of using these dissociatives together with oxycodone was horribly nauseating, and I vomited repeatedly. I also turned my circadian rhythm around, sleeping during the day and watching movies and series during the night.
For better or worse, I felt like I could not possibly bear any more, something had to change or something had got to give. I really felt as if I was inside out.
I put on the film Koyaanisquatsi and shot myself up with twice the highest dose of this dissociatives cocktail I had taken during these days. Quickly but surely I started to unravel and while due to my huge tolerance there were no real psychedelic effects to deal with, I found it ever more difficult to maintain my grip.
Taking 5-MeO-DMT and or N,N-DMT intramuscularly felt like something I had to do to relieve myself on the deepest level, even though I was very anxious to go through it. It seemed like I was changing my mind about it every alternating moment. During this time I tried to prepare a dose, but figuring it out calculating with concentrations was very difficult for me due to the extra high dose of dissociatives, and for some reason I had not put a concentration on my N,N-DMT vial.
I could not make sense of the concentration listed on the 5-MeO-DMT label but I remembered that I once took 10 units equalling 1 mg (which was very intense). Even so I measured 30 units (= 3 mg, excluding the citrate) and when the desperation broke the residue of my resisting will, I took the dose.
The experience:
A stupendous sensation impregnated my awareness, and it was as if every sliver of sight, feeling and sound expanded and unfolded from itself. The towering intensity that kept accumulating together with this expansion made me react with gripping gravitas. Like fireworks exploding in fractallizing stages, all the qualia in my mind permutated and sang the eternal glory of everythingness, magnificently orchestrated...
A trillion kilotons of existence bloomed with a brilliance far beyond anything I ever felt before, divine and complex. It was like witnessing the beginning and the end of everything, the universe on every scale giving me the impression that this is just what it is, and it is grand!
I was sure that witnessing this meant certain death, insanity or enlightenment for me.
The amazing score of Koyaanisquatsi was blasting with salvos of arpeggiating organs, it definitely synchronized perfectly with the bombastic nature of the experience. This overwhelming and divine glimpse of profound meaning that apparently laid at the source of all spirituality and works like Beethoven's 9th symphony may be at the core of every consciousness, normally fragmented and differentiated for functionality, to be able to navigate mundanity, but now felt licentiously and limitless as the pure potential of the mind doing what it can without restraint.
What I was seeing best approximates the unencrypted source code (Brahman) in the process of being manifested into a reality facet by the dance of Shiva ("I am become death, destroyer of time"), well... time was destroyed alright.
I had prepared a tablet of 15 mg midazolam for emergencies, since the 1 mg of 5-MeO-DMT I tried a while ago gave my cardiovascular system a scary jolt, or at least it seemed that way.
At some point during the impossible usurpation of the trip I took the tablet in my mouth, but moments later spat it out again. I was all over the place. From absolute certainty of my impending doom one moment, feeling as if I had flopped myself inside out. To feeling my spirit and mortal life being absorbed blissfully into eternity the next, subsequently gaining enough confidence to center myself in deep meditation... and back again.
I was aware of my body manifesting this in several ways, for example spreading my arms and swaying around as if conducting an orchestra or making mudra-like gestures, but also performing a dive roll over my couch onto my king-size bed (not an airborne somersault).
I think the experience lasted about 45 minutes before I came down during a period of approximately 5 minutes. The first half of the trip was beyond internal or external since I lost awareness of myself; everything that happened had so little reference to my individuality and typical non-spiritual sense of humanity that you might as well consider it in a domain outside of space and time.
During the second half of the trip I was basically one step over the threshold.
When I fully re-entered orbit, I was suprised to feel so back to normal... as if I had taken nothing back from it, even more so I felt restored to my most native state, impossibly clear-headed and sober considering the presence of metabolites like norketamine staining my blood.
However one day later, when I started writing the first part of this report I can still feel that it shook me took my core and gave me new inspiration to live. Now, another week later, I am coming along nicely recovering from my desperate period.
My trust in psychedelics as spiritually healing tools has been renewed. Whenever it turns out my non-chemical methods fall short to maintain myself on a deepest level, I may try a psychedelic that seems most appropriate, to help mend the faulty connection between myself and myself. The interface between my thoughts and emotions.
This one made the top 5 of my most intense experiences ever, and I am glad I could witness it but I just wish the despair wasn't necessary to bring me to go on this flight. The trip I can deal with, but such terrible feelings as I was having before it were just hard to bear. I will be try my best to find my routines and regularity again.
Fortunately we are blessed with the purest light deep inside of us that can blow your shit off the hinge if it is tapped.
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