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MDMA &
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MDMA Recovery (Stories & Support)
- Thread starter HarrytheHead
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ScaredFirstTimer
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Dec 15, 2013
- Messages
- 317
Quick update, some good news:
In 2 days, I'm at the 6 month mark. We had a big anniversary in my country this weekend, and I had decided to not give a fuck, and get drunk off alcohol. Well, it ended up with me downing about 2 bottles of wine, 8-10 beers, some champagne and a little whiskey throughout the day/night.
I felt spaced out only a few times here and there. Surprisingly, the general hangover was mild, though I had very intense anxiety early in the day yesterday. Not unmanageable, not really psychological, just a very intense nervousness in the body. Now it's Monday evening, and I'm feeling very good. TBH, this as been a milder hangover than I would get prior to this comedown, so it's indeed good news.
I won't be doing it again for a long time though, but I'm really thinking about starting to have a few beers socially here and there.
In 2 days, I'm at the 6 month mark. We had a big anniversary in my country this weekend, and I had decided to not give a fuck, and get drunk off alcohol. Well, it ended up with me downing about 2 bottles of wine, 8-10 beers, some champagne and a little whiskey throughout the day/night.
I felt spaced out only a few times here and there. Surprisingly, the general hangover was mild, though I had very intense anxiety early in the day yesterday. Not unmanageable, not really psychological, just a very intense nervousness in the body. Now it's Monday evening, and I'm feeling very good. TBH, this as been a milder hangover than I would get prior to this comedown, so it's indeed good news.
I won't be doing it again for a long time though, but I'm really thinking about starting to have a few beers socially here and there.
So I've been doing MDMA each week (friday and saturday) for the past 2 months.
And honestly, I have never had a "downtime" for more than 1-2 days.
The worst feeling I've ever had is that life is absolutely boring, but that feeling passed after 5 minutes aprox once I started thinking of something positive.
These are the vitamines I've been taking daily for aprox 1-2 years now:
Omega 3 (2 each day)
Multi vitamines (1 each day)
Beta Carotene (Gotta keep that tan up)
Vitamine C (aprox 1000mg a week)
I eat healthy, exercise now and then, and working 8-16 each day.
I mean, last saturday I did over 1g of MDMA (snorted and dropped) with aprox 0.2 of coke and 1x blue val.
I have no downtime/depression/bad feelings what so ever, the only thing I feel now is that my feelings are "numb".
Is this normal? or will I experience a huuge downfall later on?
And honestly, I have never had a "downtime" for more than 1-2 days.
The worst feeling I've ever had is that life is absolutely boring, but that feeling passed after 5 minutes aprox once I started thinking of something positive.
These are the vitamines I've been taking daily for aprox 1-2 years now:
Omega 3 (2 each day)
Multi vitamines (1 each day)
Beta Carotene (Gotta keep that tan up)
Vitamine C (aprox 1000mg a week)
I eat healthy, exercise now and then, and working 8-16 each day.
I mean, last saturday I did over 1g of MDMA (snorted and dropped) with aprox 0.2 of coke and 1x blue val.
I have no downtime/depression/bad feelings what so ever, the only thing I feel now is that my feelings are "numb".
Is this normal? or will I experience a huuge downfall later on?
First Bad Comedown
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Nov 26, 2010
- Messages
- 562
Somedud, also known as Tyller Pittman, was a friend of mine.
I never met him, but we spoke on the phone on several occasions.
These were international calls as he lived in Canada and I the U.S.
I can tell you that he was a very strong willed and determined person, but he worked to convince himself that it wasn't brain damage that lingered.
He wanted to believe it was a type of emotional/psychological damage caused by a bad breakup and a beating he received one night.
He leaned heavily towards PTSD as the self diagnosis.
I remember each time we spoke thinking that 'this guy talks WAY too fast'.
He rambled some, but his speech was mostly coherent. Definitely rushed, obviously so.
I pointed this out to him a few times and he defended it as the way he always was, 'you can ask any friends or family....' and on and on.
I could tell he was in a lot of pain, to the extent that he was willing to try lots of different things to find a cure.
His greatest mistake was rolling again around 9 months into his recovery.
He described it as ok, but nowhere near what it should have been. His friends were rolling HARD and he just felt a little lifted.
He had hoped that rolling could somehow 'cure' him of his predicament.
I told him it was such a big mistake and not to do it again.
Rolling again was something to consider FAR in the future, after many years of re-wiring the brain.
He didn't feel right after doing this, to such an extent that about 4 months later he tried an anti-depressant.
Lexapro, a rather strong new SSRI, was prescribed to him.
In the first 2 weeks he LOVED it.
He started eating healthy and exercising.
He described a big rebound in libido, something both of us had lost much of.
But within 4-5 weeks he no longer liked its effects.
Something wasn't right, and he discontinued.
Not a surprise to me, as the serotonin transmission to the PFC must be successful for the down-stream effects to take place.
I begged him not to try the SSRIs and was relieved when he stopped.
But I fear this was his greatest mistake.
For months after this he would describe to me that working, speaking, and basic functions were harder than before.
He was disconnected going into SSRI treatment, but now his disconnection was dramatically worse.
At some point between the MDMA and the Lexapro, I know he experimented with methoxetamine.
It is a synthetic compound similar to ketamine, which had shown promising results in rapid relief of severe depression.
He described the MXE as 'cleansing' the mind afterwards, like a newborn.
I tried to stop his experimentation on each drug, but the MXE I was curious about.
I knew that he had also done cocaine at one time, and I have always wondered is this was led to his death.
In his fragile state, an addiction to such a powerful dopamine stimulant could indeed lead to stroke.
I wish I knew his actual cause of death and I would appreciate any information.
I reached out to his mother through email once but never received a reply.
I have chosen not to call any of the 3 phone numbers I had for him out of respect and my own ongoing recovery.
Frankly I still wonder will I one day join Tyller, the victim of a 'recovery' process that is just to hard to endure.
I have had symptoms of stroke on and off, neurological symptoms that frighten me, and physical pain in my chest including palpitations.
I have had my hearing suddenly fade out in one ear only to return moments later, accompanied by an impending sense of doom.
Recovery from MDMA induced brain damage can be a very difficult and scary process.
The continued use of ANY drugs may increase the risks associated with the brain re-wiring itself.
Alcohol was another bad choice that Tyller made.
I know in my heart that Tyller was doing these things believe that he might fix himself.
He was not an addict or out of control, but instead a wise soul that was being tormented every moment of every day.
He researched and tried other supplements such as animal hypothalamus substance....
He looked up to me constantly for my ability to analyze and describe the unknown.
He tried so very hard to cure himself.
I knew something was wrong when I spoke to him on the phone.
Enough time had passed by that point that I was setting down my research and getting on with my life.
I had accepted that it was brain damage and firmly believed I knew the basics of my own neurological fate.
Tyller was 3 months ahead of me time-wise and I was surprised to hear him just as wired and rapid firing as I had been in the early stages.
It was as if he hadn't accomplished some of the neuronal progress that I had. That some of the wiring had not been done.
He was trapped, and it seemed that way when we lost contact around a year and a half into his recovery.
When I later found out on BL that he died, I cried and mourned his loss.
But I have always wanted to tell his poor mother than Tyller was such a strong man to endure what he did that she should not be so sad.
What he and I, and others, have had to experience as a result of MDMA brain-damage is impossible to describe.
The suffering can be so immense, so complete, that the soul itself is destroyed. And must be rebuilt.
If you can't rebuild it, then you should not have to go on living an empty life.
While saddened, I knew intrinsically that Tyller might have needed to die.
He paid his dues, and now he no longer suffers.
If there is a heaven or afterlife, I know Tyller was given entry due to immense personal sacrifice.
He gave more than those around him know, just to continue fighting.
If anyone has more information on him, please contact me and let me know. You are missed old friend.
FBC
http://www.cauls.ca/fh/obituaries/obituary.cfm?o_id=1867223&fh_id=14293
I never met him, but we spoke on the phone on several occasions.
These were international calls as he lived in Canada and I the U.S.
I can tell you that he was a very strong willed and determined person, but he worked to convince himself that it wasn't brain damage that lingered.
He wanted to believe it was a type of emotional/psychological damage caused by a bad breakup and a beating he received one night.
He leaned heavily towards PTSD as the self diagnosis.
I remember each time we spoke thinking that 'this guy talks WAY too fast'.
He rambled some, but his speech was mostly coherent. Definitely rushed, obviously so.
I pointed this out to him a few times and he defended it as the way he always was, 'you can ask any friends or family....' and on and on.
I could tell he was in a lot of pain, to the extent that he was willing to try lots of different things to find a cure.
His greatest mistake was rolling again around 9 months into his recovery.
He described it as ok, but nowhere near what it should have been. His friends were rolling HARD and he just felt a little lifted.
He had hoped that rolling could somehow 'cure' him of his predicament.
I told him it was such a big mistake and not to do it again.
Rolling again was something to consider FAR in the future, after many years of re-wiring the brain.
He didn't feel right after doing this, to such an extent that about 4 months later he tried an anti-depressant.
Lexapro, a rather strong new SSRI, was prescribed to him.
In the first 2 weeks he LOVED it.
He started eating healthy and exercising.
He described a big rebound in libido, something both of us had lost much of.
But within 4-5 weeks he no longer liked its effects.
Something wasn't right, and he discontinued.
Not a surprise to me, as the serotonin transmission to the PFC must be successful for the down-stream effects to take place.
I begged him not to try the SSRIs and was relieved when he stopped.
But I fear this was his greatest mistake.
For months after this he would describe to me that working, speaking, and basic functions were harder than before.
He was disconnected going into SSRI treatment, but now his disconnection was dramatically worse.
At some point between the MDMA and the Lexapro, I know he experimented with methoxetamine.
It is a synthetic compound similar to ketamine, which had shown promising results in rapid relief of severe depression.
He described the MXE as 'cleansing' the mind afterwards, like a newborn.
I tried to stop his experimentation on each drug, but the MXE I was curious about.
I knew that he had also done cocaine at one time, and I have always wondered is this was led to his death.
In his fragile state, an addiction to such a powerful dopamine stimulant could indeed lead to stroke.
I wish I knew his actual cause of death and I would appreciate any information.
I reached out to his mother through email once but never received a reply.
I have chosen not to call any of the 3 phone numbers I had for him out of respect and my own ongoing recovery.
Frankly I still wonder will I one day join Tyller, the victim of a 'recovery' process that is just to hard to endure.
I have had symptoms of stroke on and off, neurological symptoms that frighten me, and physical pain in my chest including palpitations.
I have had my hearing suddenly fade out in one ear only to return moments later, accompanied by an impending sense of doom.
Recovery from MDMA induced brain damage can be a very difficult and scary process.
The continued use of ANY drugs may increase the risks associated with the brain re-wiring itself.
Alcohol was another bad choice that Tyller made.
I know in my heart that Tyller was doing these things believe that he might fix himself.
He was not an addict or out of control, but instead a wise soul that was being tormented every moment of every day.
He researched and tried other supplements such as animal hypothalamus substance....
He looked up to me constantly for my ability to analyze and describe the unknown.
He tried so very hard to cure himself.
I knew something was wrong when I spoke to him on the phone.
Enough time had passed by that point that I was setting down my research and getting on with my life.
I had accepted that it was brain damage and firmly believed I knew the basics of my own neurological fate.
Tyller was 3 months ahead of me time-wise and I was surprised to hear him just as wired and rapid firing as I had been in the early stages.
It was as if he hadn't accomplished some of the neuronal progress that I had. That some of the wiring had not been done.
He was trapped, and it seemed that way when we lost contact around a year and a half into his recovery.
When I later found out on BL that he died, I cried and mourned his loss.
But I have always wanted to tell his poor mother than Tyller was such a strong man to endure what he did that she should not be so sad.
What he and I, and others, have had to experience as a result of MDMA brain-damage is impossible to describe.
The suffering can be so immense, so complete, that the soul itself is destroyed. And must be rebuilt.
If you can't rebuild it, then you should not have to go on living an empty life.
While saddened, I knew intrinsically that Tyller might have needed to die.
He paid his dues, and now he no longer suffers.
If there is a heaven or afterlife, I know Tyller was given entry due to immense personal sacrifice.
He gave more than those around him know, just to continue fighting.
If anyone has more information on him, please contact me and let me know. You are missed old friend.
FBC
http://www.cauls.ca/fh/obituaries/obituary.cfm?o_id=1867223&fh_id=14293
ro4eva
Bluelighter
Damn, this happened to me yesterday, was really weird.
Exactly like you say, it just gave out in my right ear, then, slowly (over the course of like 20 seconds), returned to normal (I actually could hear better afterwards).
I never experienced it in the past, and believe it may be caused by more than just habitual drug use.
Mazzab
Bluelighter
ro4eva
Bluelighter
Like other psychedelics, and other classes of hallucinogens, it can be a life-changing experience - for the best, or, the other way around. Or, it could be a mediocre experience which will be forgotten before long.
Is this regarding DMT itself, or Ayahuasca brews traditionally used as part of a ritual-type experience?
In any case, if it is regarding Ayahuasca brews, I'd be very cautious, as certain Ayahuasca plants used in DMT rituals/trips may also contain the more potent 5-MeO-DMT. This can prove fatal to someone who is mixing "the wrong" Rx drugs (e.g. SSRIs, MAOIs) with it (although, AFAIK, the fatality rate is not nearly high enough to be considered rampant).
pmz
Bluelighter
- Joined
- May 11, 2013
- Messages
- 550
Yes, this would be just smoked DMT. and im not on any meds at all.
Im thinking it could help unlock some emotions that I feel are stuck.
I feel like there is a huge emotional energy inside me that wants to explode. But as of now, I still feel quite flat and unemotional and slightly uniterested in things and FEEL unimpressed. I lost my feeling of passion on things. I know im interested and like things, but the love for activities does not feel natural.
Im sure a lot can relate to that. Thats what im curious is DMT might help to let those energies flow again.
Or maybe its better to let that just happen naturally with time.
Ro4eva?
pmz
Bluelighter
- Joined
- May 11, 2013
- Messages
- 550
But were you experiencing a long term comedown during that trip?
It has been 10 weeks now since I have taken any mdma and almost all of my physical symptoms of 3 years of continuous monthly use have gone. The problem I still have is crippling anxiety to the point where it has stopped me from going to work this week. It is strange because my anxiety has increased between 5-10 weeks following my last use. It is most likely due to stress that I have been under at work. Off to the psychologist this afternoon to get some help. Hopefully I can stamp the anxiety out and get back to myself again
me2point0
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Mar 23, 2014
- Messages
- 216
Came here to see improvement and encouragement and I see this long and seminegative post. Weither you cry, scream, post about it, do nothing or rage about it. But it wont change anything. Thinking about it, being negative, does nothing but torment you even more. Just go out there and live life as fully as possible, thats what I do.
Im feeling absolutelly wrecked and no improvement. Im not using anything but its worsenening a bit. And you know what? I like it, i dont give a fuck. Listen to the breaking bad fear speech, its good.
Come on guys, dont give up, FIGHT. Suicide and shit like that doesnt make the problems disapear, it removes all possibilites that they will go away someday somehow.
Do not give up, ever. Im sorry for Tyler but I hope he doesnt encourage such ending, instead, I hope he motivates you to live a live full of what you like doing.
Im feeling absolutelly wrecked and no improvement. Im not using anything but its worsenening a bit. And you know what? I like it, i dont give a fuck. Listen to the breaking bad fear speech, its good.
Come on guys, dont give up, FIGHT. Suicide and shit like that doesnt make the problems disapear, it removes all possibilites that they will go away someday somehow.
Do not give up, ever. Im sorry for Tyler but I hope he doesnt encourage such ending, instead, I hope he motivates you to live a live full of what you like doing.
pmz
Bluelighter
- Joined
- May 11, 2013
- Messages
- 550
I just made a thread about discussing what has worked for everyone in their recovery. It would be cool to get some posts.
http://www.bluelight.org/vb/threads...m-long-term-comedowns?p=12369891#post12369891
http://www.bluelight.org/vb/threads...m-long-term-comedowns?p=12369891#post12369891
ro4eva
Bluelighter
Sorry for the late reply
If you truly believe that it may benefit you, and the thought of tripping out visually doesn't scare you, there's a chance it could be beneficial. If it wasn't, there wouldn't be so many people who speak highly of it (no pun intended).
DMT has always fascinated me because it occurs naturally in our bodies, in miniscule amounts, IIRC.
There is at least one exception that I remember reading about where DMT is released in large amounts; and that would be when a person is close to death, which sort of makes sense IMO because you hear a lot of people who have had near-death experiences (and somehow managed to survive and recover) talk about seeing things (e.g. bright white light). But I digress...
I can certainly understand that you must be feeling awfully desperate to rid yourself of whatever symptoms continue to affect you, and (while this may not help you) I'm so sorry you have to go through this, because I've been there, and it's not a place anyone would wanna be
But please don't give up. For what it's worth - we're rooting for you; I'm rooting for you.
In any case, if I was in your shoes, before attempting to use DMT or any illicit (or licit) mind-altering substance, I'd first try the Rx drug route.
Now, you may be wondering why I'd bother... It's because I've had a lot of success with it.
Granted, it took a lot of patience, as well as trial and error to find the right combination of meds, but once I did, I eventually recovered as a result. And I can't ignore that.
There was some other things which I sincerely believe helped me mend, but, if you really wish to know, just PM me please. It's kind of personal, that's why.
Re. Rx drugs - Before recovering, I was EXTREMELY skeptical about any psychotropic drug which is prescribed by psychiatrists to treat mental disorders, especially when it came to any of the SSRIs (Zoloft, Prozac), SNRIs (Effexor XR, Cymbalta), TCAs (Elavil, Tofranil), and Neuroleptics (Seroquel, Zyprexa). And part of the reason for that was because I had some terrible reactions to at least two SSRIs and one SNRI. Ended up in the ER on two occasions. Luckily, and for some unknown reason, Zoloft did not cause me any serious side effects. Definitely not a drug that I had fun using, but in the end, its very subtle effects did end up working.
If however you wish to skip the Rx drugs, it's your choice, and I understand
Edit - Just wanted to add... The manner in which I managed to convince myself into trying other Rx meds - even after having such bad reactions from a few of the previous ones - was that I would ask myself, "What have you got to lose? You're already feeling sick as a dog for a few months now, and the doctors have absolutely no idea what's wrong with you. There's a good chance you may remain in this state for the rest of your life if you don't get desperate and try new things, or, in this case, other prescription drugs. Even if their side effects put you in the ER, it's better than doing nothing."
So yeah, that's how I mustered the courage to continue trying different Rx drugs, until, unbelievably, I found something which helped. It was the best feeling the world to feel recovered after slowly trying to accept the fact that my "normal" life was pretty much over.
Afterwards, I promised myself that I would use this second chance to try to help others who are suffering due to similar circumstances, as well as of course being extremely careful and picky about what recreational drugs decide I use, and the frequency as well.
Last edited:
pmz
Bluelighter
- Joined
- May 11, 2013
- Messages
- 550
Sorry for the late reply
If you truly believe that it may benefit you, and the thought of tripping out visually doesn't scare you, there's a chance it could be beneficial. If it wasn't, there wouldn't be so many people who speak highly of it (no pun intended).
DMT has always fascinated me because it occurs naturally in our bodies, in miniscule amounts, IIRC.
There is at least one exception that I remember reading about where DMT is released in large amounts; and that would be when a person is close to death, which sort of makes sense IMO because you hear a lot of people who have had near-death experiences (and somehow managed to survive and recover) talk about seeing things (e.g. bright white light). But I digress...
I can certainly understand that you must be feeling awfully desperate to rid yourself of whatever symptoms continue to affect you, and (while this may not help you) I'm so sorry you have to go through this, because I've been there, and it's not a place anyone would wanna be
But please don't give up. For what it's worth - we're rooting for you; I'm rooting for you.
In any case, if I was in your shoes, before attempting to use DMT or any illicit (or licit) mind-altering substance, I'd first try the Rx drug route.
Now, you may be wondering why I'd bother... It's because I've had a lot of success with it.
Granted, it took a lot of patience, as well as trial and error to find the right combination of meds, but once I did, I eventually recovered as a result. And I can't ignore that.
There was some other things which I sincerely believe helped me mend, but, if you really wish to know, just PM me please. It's kind of personal, that's why.
Re. Rx drugs - Before recovering, I was EXTREMELY skeptical about any psychotropic drug which is prescribed by psychiatrists to treat mental disorders, especially when it came to any of the SSRIs (Zoloft, Prozac), SNRIs (Effexor XR, Cymbalta), TCAs (Elavil, Tofranil), and Neuroleptics (Seroquel, Zyprexa). And part of the reason for that was because I had some terrible reactions to at least two SSRIs and one SNRI. Ended up in the ER on two occasions. Luckily, and for some unknown reason, Zoloft did not cause me any serious side effects. Definitely not a drug that I had fun using, but in the end, its very subtle effects did end up working.
If however you wish to skip the Rx drugs, it's your choice, and I understand
Edit - Just wanted to add... The manner in which I managed to convince myself into trying other Rx meds - even after having such bad reactions from a few of the previous ones - was that I would ask myself, "What have you got to lose? You're already feeling sick as a dog for a few months now, and the doctors have absolutely no idea what's wrong with you. There's a good chance you may remain in this state for the rest of your life if you don't get desperate and try new things, or, in this case, other prescription drugs. Even if their side effects put you in the ER, it's better than doing nothing."
So yeah, that's how I mustered the courage to continue trying different Rx drugs, until, unbelievably, I found something which helped. It was the best feeling the world to feel recovered after slowly trying to accept the fact that my "normal" life was pretty much over.
Afterwards, I promised myself that I would use this second chance to try to help others who are suffering due to similar circumstances, as well as of course being extremely careful and picky about what recreational drugs decide I use, and the frequency as well.
See my thing about meds is I don't want to be dependant on them long term. Aren't you still on meds now? Or is that someone else? I don't see why this can't be done naturally as others had. I do feel like I'm getting better slowly. Not the rate I want. But I have made improvements in the last 2 week's even. Now that I'm even finally sleeping better I'm hoping I should get better faster.
I'm starting to feel emotions that are coming up once again for me. I was actually seriously feeling emotional about a friend what will be traveling for the next 2 month's that I realize I'm gonna miss the shit out of her. That I think is huge to feel that again. I'm getting a feeling of love in my body again. Subtly, but yes.
I think I struggle the most because I still lack that energy from my favorite music and my vision and feelings of Disassociation are still there. But I Guess that will just take time
I've stayed off of BlueLight for quite a while now, since I believed it would be good for me to just focus on myself.
However due to my symptoms I feel I should post here since I feel misunderstood and I hope someone can recognize himself in some of the symptoms or has any advice.
I'm currently at 3,5 months of my LTC. When this first started I came into it thinking that gradually my symptoms would go away. There are definitely symptoms that have completely vanished (light+sound sensitivity and sensory overload, arrythmias, everything looking like its been painted/no depth, insomnia, memory/iq) and some have reduced in intensity (feeling like im in a dream, hypoglycemia).
However there are still some symptoms that impact my life in a VERY strong way:
Music
As of right now, this is definitely next to depression my worst symptom. Whenever spacey/electronic music is playing I feel totally spaced out/high. It's like music is just floating in the air around me and especially if it's a sad song it just creeps into my body and I feel intensely hopeless. I'm not able to listen to music (let alone even go to a club that would be a NIGHTMARE) because of this. What's worse is when the music has any sort of creepy melody, then I totally feel as if I'm trapped in a horror movie. Especially at night I feel like I'm in some sort of weird world and I feel very strange and scared.
Depression/OCD/Emotionally unstable/fatigue
This is my worst symptom by far. I have waves of such crippling depression that I feel as if there is no hope and there's only death that awaits me, even though I rationally know nothing can happen. What makes this worse is that I have "suicide obsessions" (which is a bit of a confusing name because it means I totally do NOT want to commit suicide). I have no desire to end my life whatsoever and I want to see this thing through, but I have this irrational fear that something will lead me to do it (like some sort of fear of losing control, that I will just end myself in some sort of impulse).
I'm also very emotionally unstable. I cling to my parents for comfort (I'm only 22), and even the slightest argument will trigger a very intense depressive wave that can last for the entire day. I'm also not able to sleep when no-one is in the house and I feel really weird when I'm alone.
Derealization/Sensory perceptions/Depersonalization
I have a feeling as if everything isn't real/is an illusion/I'm stuck in some sort of psychosis. Also I have very strange perceptions of things, like my perception of objects and the world just constantly shifts. The best way to describe this feeling is as if the brain doesnt have enough resources to process everything so only half gets processed and the other half doesn't or only halfway. I also feel very drunk and walking correctly takes a lot of effort.
Depersonalization wise it's mostly a feeling of being an observer of my thoughts, as if my thoughts are on auto-loop and as if I'm in a state of near-slumber. I'm unable to redirect my thoughts or think something I want to think about. Also I don't really feel my body.
----
I have tried a lot of things. Eating healthy (also dropping gluten and dairy) and (if I have the energy) light exercise. All sorts of supplements (5htp, l-tryptophan, Inositol (which made me ridiculously depressed), fish oil, magnesium, zinc, b complex, vitamin d, vitamin c, GABA ), all without any help. Also meditation is really hard for me (as in I have no actually mental energy to even meditate).
The days are very very hard for me. They have been since this all began, and even though a lot has changed it hasn't become any easier. Every day I spend laying on the couch and crying multiple times a day for completely irrational overwhelming feelings. Something simple as walking to the store requires loads of emotional strength since I get all sorts of weird symptoms. People tell me to hang out with my friends and maybe go out for the night but don't seem to understand that even though the advice is well-meant and normally would be something relaxing, it's pure torture for me.
I guess that is all.
EDIT: Also I have some sort HPPD. Whenever a high-frequency sound is nearby (or white noise) I start to hear music and rhythmic auditory hallucinations 'inside' the noise if that makes sense. But this isn't nearly that troubling.
On a side note I've also masturbated 1 week ago for the first time since my comedown (I was eager to try it out because my libido is through the roof) and it made my symptoms a lot worse. The actual orgasm wasnt even enjoyable.
However due to my symptoms I feel I should post here since I feel misunderstood and I hope someone can recognize himself in some of the symptoms or has any advice.
I'm currently at 3,5 months of my LTC. When this first started I came into it thinking that gradually my symptoms would go away. There are definitely symptoms that have completely vanished (light+sound sensitivity and sensory overload, arrythmias, everything looking like its been painted/no depth, insomnia, memory/iq) and some have reduced in intensity (feeling like im in a dream, hypoglycemia).
However there are still some symptoms that impact my life in a VERY strong way:
Music
As of right now, this is definitely next to depression my worst symptom. Whenever spacey/electronic music is playing I feel totally spaced out/high. It's like music is just floating in the air around me and especially if it's a sad song it just creeps into my body and I feel intensely hopeless. I'm not able to listen to music (let alone even go to a club that would be a NIGHTMARE) because of this. What's worse is when the music has any sort of creepy melody, then I totally feel as if I'm trapped in a horror movie. Especially at night I feel like I'm in some sort of weird world and I feel very strange and scared.
Depression/OCD/Emotionally unstable/fatigue
This is my worst symptom by far. I have waves of such crippling depression that I feel as if there is no hope and there's only death that awaits me, even though I rationally know nothing can happen. What makes this worse is that I have "suicide obsessions" (which is a bit of a confusing name because it means I totally do NOT want to commit suicide). I have no desire to end my life whatsoever and I want to see this thing through, but I have this irrational fear that something will lead me to do it (like some sort of fear of losing control, that I will just end myself in some sort of impulse).
I'm also very emotionally unstable. I cling to my parents for comfort (I'm only 22), and even the slightest argument will trigger a very intense depressive wave that can last for the entire day. I'm also not able to sleep when no-one is in the house and I feel really weird when I'm alone.
Derealization/Sensory perceptions/Depersonalization
I have a feeling as if everything isn't real/is an illusion/I'm stuck in some sort of psychosis. Also I have very strange perceptions of things, like my perception of objects and the world just constantly shifts. The best way to describe this feeling is as if the brain doesnt have enough resources to process everything so only half gets processed and the other half doesn't or only halfway. I also feel very drunk and walking correctly takes a lot of effort.
Depersonalization wise it's mostly a feeling of being an observer of my thoughts, as if my thoughts are on auto-loop and as if I'm in a state of near-slumber. I'm unable to redirect my thoughts or think something I want to think about. Also I don't really feel my body.
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I have tried a lot of things. Eating healthy (also dropping gluten and dairy) and (if I have the energy) light exercise. All sorts of supplements (5htp, l-tryptophan, Inositol (which made me ridiculously depressed), fish oil, magnesium, zinc, b complex, vitamin d, vitamin c, GABA ), all without any help. Also meditation is really hard for me (as in I have no actually mental energy to even meditate).
The days are very very hard for me. They have been since this all began, and even though a lot has changed it hasn't become any easier. Every day I spend laying on the couch and crying multiple times a day for completely irrational overwhelming feelings. Something simple as walking to the store requires loads of emotional strength since I get all sorts of weird symptoms. People tell me to hang out with my friends and maybe go out for the night but don't seem to understand that even though the advice is well-meant and normally would be something relaxing, it's pure torture for me.
I guess that is all.
EDIT: Also I have some sort HPPD. Whenever a high-frequency sound is nearby (or white noise) I start to hear music and rhythmic auditory hallucinations 'inside' the noise if that makes sense. But this isn't nearly that troubling.
On a side note I've also masturbated 1 week ago for the first time since my comedown (I was eager to try it out because my libido is through the roof) and it made my symptoms a lot worse. The actual orgasm wasnt even enjoyable.
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You remember me 2 years ago, i couldnt handle any argument with my family and had to sleep with my brother ( being 22 years old man too) but dont worry!! its goin to be a hard way but please trust me, wait some time...im sorry i mean years, but it worths a lot. you will recover that independence of a adult man again. I know it was impossible to meditate and to think clear, im sure you wont , just try your mind busy , stay out the bad wave of thought. its hard cause you have to keep like this long time (for me was close to 2 months) but well. when someway this symptoms will slow down you will have little goals that will keep you motivated to wait all the way you need. if you have any question be free to ask.
about the go-out thing...well its funny cause i treated myself jailed in my own rooms playing videogames, stopping social networks, and stoping social stuff, but when i felt it was time to go out, i just did it, and realized that my mind could afford again some old habits with no problem. i didnt feel any bad for change from being a social guy to be a nerdy lonliness guy ...i found myself sick and i had i loong time cold so i just wait the time it tooks and didnt allow me to think and stress about the idea " why they are going to say about me if im not out..." i give up the world to reduce to minimum the social stress. while i was exercising, eating, playing with the computer, reading news and documentary...i infact i learned a lot of my own jail.
about the go-out thing...well its funny cause i treated myself jailed in my own rooms playing videogames, stopping social networks, and stoping social stuff, but when i felt it was time to go out, i just did it, and realized that my mind could afford again some old habits with no problem. i didnt feel any bad for change from being a social guy to be a nerdy lonliness guy ...i found myself sick and i had i loong time cold so i just wait the time it tooks and didnt allow me to think and stress about the idea " why they are going to say about me if im not out..." i give up the world to reduce to minimum the social stress. while i was exercising, eating, playing with the computer, reading news and documentary...i infact i learned a lot of my own jail.
happy_dude
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Apr 20, 2014
- Messages
- 74
Coderbrah - I could have written that post of yours when I was suffering my LTC 8 - 9 years ago. It all sounds very familiar - dream world, music messing with my mind, things seem to be worse at night. Thoughts of "all that's left is death" - yep all sounds very familiar.
You're doing much better than me, though. I was still hanging around with the same people and smoking weed, cigarettes and not eating healthy. I also did coke, and occasionally made my symptoms worse by doing pills again (what an idiot).
Anyway - it's natural to feel how you feel now. But listen, I have recovered from what sounds remarkably similar. I am sitting here fully expecting that you will recover.
Unfortunately, the best I can do to help you is suggest that you do everything you can to actually believe you will recover. By all the evidence of my own experiences and this site, it is very unlikely that you won't recover.
You're doing much better than me, though. I was still hanging around with the same people and smoking weed, cigarettes and not eating healthy. I also did coke, and occasionally made my symptoms worse by doing pills again (what an idiot).
Anyway - it's natural to feel how you feel now. But listen, I have recovered from what sounds remarkably similar. I am sitting here fully expecting that you will recover.
Unfortunately, the best I can do to help you is suggest that you do everything you can to actually believe you will recover. By all the evidence of my own experiences and this site, it is very unlikely that you won't recover.
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pmz
Bluelighter
- Joined
- May 11, 2013
- Messages
- 550
I just want to clarify for some..... you do mean 8-9 years AGO. Not suffered for 8-9 years.
regardless, its really refreshing, no matter how many time i read this, that people recover from this and get the color back into their life.
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