1 year recovering from a long term comedown, not loosing hope.
Hi team!
Almost a year ago I went to a party, snorted 3 lines of what they told me it was amphetamines, felt good, had fun, went to bed and I woke up in hell.
For the first 4 months, I couldn't work, I had to stay at home with terrible symptoms, went to the shrine and got prescribed escitalopram (SSRI) and Klonopin which after 8 months I stopped taking because nothing was changing for good or bad.
My symptoms:
First thing I have to say it's that they fluctuate a lot, even on the same day, I could wake up in a horrible state, go to work and then somehow suddenly I feel better. I have to say that almost everyday, by the end of the day, night time, I always improve a lot and almost feel good but then I woke up next morning in the same shitty state. Anybody relates to that?
Anxiety: Not all the times but sometimes, it fluctuates a lot, when it's bad I feel bad surrounded by people, social anxiety.
Depression: Just sad for being like that, no energy, no motivation, just want to hide from people.
headaches, dizzines, almost like vertigo's, I have seen my vision moving up and down or side to side 3 times in one year.
Difficultys concentrating, loss of cognition, hard to maintain a conversation, feeling spaced out.
derealization: feeling like if I am in a dream, like if something is off.
I could make a long story but the most scary symptom that I still have is that I cannot connect to my image on the mirror.
If I look to the mirror, I can connect with one side of my face then with the other side, first one eye then the other eye but I cannot look at my whole face like a unit. I really thing that my eyes have changed, sometimes I have one pupil bigger than the other one and my eyes are empty when I look at them on the mirror. Can you relate to this?
The reason why I don't lose hope after one year is because out of the blue I had 3 windows of time where I felt good, almost zero symptoms, so that makes me think if I managed to feel good for 3 different periods of time then what I have is not brain damage even if it feels something very physiological and not just psychological.
In december I flew home and felt good for a full week, when I flew back to where i live, I felt back on my symptoms.
In june I flew with my friends to Italy for holidays and again my symptoms disappeared for a full week except the weird look of my eyes, almost like if the drug made me squint or being crosse eye. If I ask my wife about my eyes, she doesn't see the difference, but I cannot connect with both sides of my face on the mirror.
In july again I flew to my country for holidays for 3 weeks, felt bad for 2 weeks and then I felt good for the last week.
So, when I am in a working mode I don't have those long windows of enlightment, it's only when I flew away for holidays when I managed to improve my condition for a full week with very minimum symptoms.
Any of you guys with longterm comedowns, specially those of you that have healed, can relate to those experiences?
Living in hell but then coming out of it for a full week just to fall back to it afterwards?
It's very frustrating but it gives me hope that one day I can stay grounded to that state of mind. If I managed to feel like this on 3 different occasions why I can't live like this the rest of my life.
So 3 big concerns, please help.
1: Almost every night I feel good, cognition comes back, I am happy, I feel like I can beat this thing and then wake up fucked up again, it's a never ending loop.
2: In a full year I had 3 different brackets of time where I felt recovered, around 80 to 90%, always when on the road for holidays, when I fly back home, my symptoms return. Can you relate to that?
3: One symptom that has never cleared even during those brackets it's the fact that I cannot connect to both sides of my face on the mirror at the same time, my eyes are empty, sometimes one pupil is bigger than the other. It's this derealization and depersonalization?
Can you relate, can you help? Have you been there and have you recovered from this symptom. When I look to the mirror I feel like I am squint or crossed eyed but if I ask my wife she don't see that, so it might be my mind playing tricks on me.
Thank you for your help.