Brief Background
Hi everybody,
I'm a 38 (on Friday 39) year old woman and I think I have a lot to tell about my experiences. I'm a bit ashamed because I NEVER EVER told my drug story to everybody like her now, but I want to do it - because it helps me to think a bit more about my polytoxic substance abuse and give me the power to quit some shit. Pardon my English, I' no native speaker.
My dad was the worst (and I mean it) alcoholic I ever got to know. I NEVER EVER in my entire life i saw him completely sober - since he was at intensive care the last months before he died where he just COULD not drink. This was the first time, and i had to wait 36 years for it. I don't want to write a book here but i think my consume right now has to do with my father ( I could be wrong). He never really talked to me, he never ever give me a hug my entire life, he never told me "I LOVE YOU" and i never heard "I'm proud of you" or "don't worry, we'll fix that, I'm there for you". He was not interested in me, never came to the school when i played in the orchestra or got to a playground with my brother and mehe hever played with us at home or did homework with us - NEVER. He was just gut in fooling around and talking like an idiot, especially when we kids were bad to him in his opinion or did all the shit children do. What a wonder after 20-30 beers and a bottle of vodka. He just talked stupid bullshit and I found him in situations a child should not see his father in.
I didn''t get it as a child because for me it was normal that dad is like he is, but then with 11 years (when you start visiting your friends' families and so o n) I realised that something is REALLY WRONG here. I asked my mother: "Is dad an alcoholic?"
She just looked at me as if I was the most stupid girl in the world and told me: "You didn't notice until now? How stupid are you?!" This was just so mean and I'll never forget this situation. But, what to expect from an extremely codependent wife?
Thank god he was not an aggressive alcoholic - he did not hurt us physically - although i provoked him a lot in many ways because I want him to go to treatment. I wanted him to beat me up or something so that i can call the police or the emergency to get him to hospital and to start treatment. But of course, no way. If he didn't want to ( and he never wanted to) he went home directly again and everything was like before.
I asked my mother several times why she doesn't divorce - her answer was: " i do not have the money" WTF
My brother seems to be more okay with it, or he didn't tell, I don't Know it. I always wanted to talk to him but he always refused.
So - if you are the only member of the family that really wants to change things - oh my goodness - I had no chance.
I tried from 11 to 27 to bring him to therapy, but still shortly before he died he said: "What the hell are you talking about - I'm not drinking, you are hallucinating" - standing in front of me, hardly could walk and talk, had to hold on the door so that he not fell and so on...
but
"You could do it if you want it won't be succcessfull until the addict wants it by him- or herself."
So 2005 I moved to Vienna , i could say i reallly escaped and broke up the contact with my family. and here i was so lucky und still grateful to meet the right psychiastrist - because mine was on holiday and i needed a prescription for something. I had the time so i went to this wonderful man, really. Extremely friendly, a man who knows what he is doing.
That I'm an adult ADHD I did not know this till 31 - i was so lucky to get an appointment at 1 from 3 specialists for ADHS in adults incidently and I cannot tell how greatful I are to met this man. Even my mum and my best friend since the age of 13 has to come for an interwiev to made sure I really have it.
I have it, i read a lot about it was searching for studies and so on.
Buuuuut: Vienna was a place where you can buy all drugs you want, you "Just" have to know the right person. But believe it or not:
From 16 to 31 i just smoked weed. Then it started, oh my gosh - my doctor prescribed me 50 pieces 0,25 mg XANAX. And from now on I know that these kind of substances were the love of my live. They made me CALM. And i never had this experience.
This was 2008. I went to a silvesterparty where there was a mirrortable full with coke - and speedlines - this was the first time i tried coke and i began to love it either. I tried a lot and this was when I know what my second love is, still today.
Substance(s)
Weed, Pharmabenzos (my favourite is Xanax, but i also take Bromazepam, Lorazepam, Midazolam, Halcion, Myolastan, Oxazepam and Flunitrazepam when i can have them). I tried XTC, MDMA, 2 small line of heroin even, but never again, because i hate opiates they make mejust sick and i never had a good feeling, neither with tramadol, codeine, tramal, hydromorphon, tilidin and so on. i always was just puking all night so i decided - no, never again. I tried Foxy (5-meo-mipt?) which i dont like and always stayed away from hallucinogens because they scare me. Amphetaminsulfat as prescribed.
And here is my real problem:
RC-BENZOS: until now I had etizolam, flualprazolam, flubromazolam, clonazolam, and 3-Hydroxyphenazepam. And these are real hammers but i unfortunately couldnt stop to take it so my tolerance on clonazolam or flubromazolam for example (believe it or not) is so extremely high, i can take amounts until 50 mg per day and do not even blackout, just a little bit sleepy. That scares meanwhile and I have to come off from these extreme amounts. Im selfemployed and a therapist so during the week i take nothing - but on weekends there is my monster again - highdose whatever benzo. Or holydays i do it. Or in Quarantäne like now.
Last week (im such an idiot) i orderded i guess 5 different rc-benzos to test but alwas not just 100 mg, but a gram. It was Pagoglone, Diclazepam, Etizolam, SL-110 (i think so), 3-Hydroxyphenazepam and NItrazolam.
Purrrrrfect, that means i have something until my
s :D
Duration of Addiction/Dependence
Weed: 23 years for sleeping; Benzos in general since 2008; RC-Benzos since Oktober 2019 i guess, and from time to time i have a good fishscale-cocaine but just when its´'s there, I already bought so many coke-shit, once and a while i threw it away, it was awful. And its not cheap but from time to time ai binge for a weekend. The Benzos negatively affect my life because i reallise my brain is not funtioning quite well. I forget things, I didn't know what to talk with somebody the next day and so on.
The only thing i know is:
I have absolutely stay away from RC-BENZOS - they are so strong, they push your tolerande to i dont know where and the make you stupid.
Adverse Effects[/][/BWarnings and Advice
NEVER EVER TRY THAT RC-Shit!!!! It will ruin your live if you dont have it under control. For me it helps that im doing nothing during the week. If i would do it every day I'm not sure if I would still be alive.
Miscellaneous
THanks a lot for reading!
JJ
Last edited: Feb 23, 2013
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