The NA meeting I tried to go to yesterday is inside the Veteran's Administration Hospital. I was so so tired and so so DOWN when i got there...the young man at the front desk walked me through mazes of hallways and stairs to the right building. I asked two ladies at the front desk "Hello...I heard there was an NA meeting here? Can I still go even if I'm not a veteran?" Uh huh. I was so close to tears already and I felt like a dummy but I knew I needed to get there.
I find the room...and its empty. The receptionist warned me it doesn't always meet but....
I cried and looked through literature and tried to hide from anyone walking by. Even though I really needed someone. I calmed down somewhat and tried to leave....I went in circles, up and down stairs, mazes upon mazes, I ended up in an office and didn't say hello. "please how do i get out of here."
whatever she told me I didn't understand and got lost in the same circular pattern. Then an older patient was shuffling past. I must've looked so pathetic. "PLEASE. HOW DO I LEAVE!"
He chuckled and told me how to escape. I went to see my neighbor to drop off weed funds and he made me some tea and cut up some fruit and I felt so much more human and hopeful.
I did end up seeing a dear dear friend later. She talked a lot at first, but then I did, then we both did, and we both felt heard. Time went by too quickly; 6 hours later we had to part ways.
Why is she the only person I know who can commune with me like that? Why is she moving across the country in less than a month?
Toz, one thing we talked about is family and what that really means. I agree with
Captain.Heroin. Stay away if there's more harm than good happening. Society and just being human I think gives us this idea that we MUST stick with our parents (and other relatives) no matter what. But, i think if including them in our lives does absolutely no good and causes bad then DROP THEM!
I've told my parents to "forget I was born." That's cold cold shit....and I do regret saying it. I've learned a lot and changed my feelings about them since then, but I also realize that I can't allow myself to trust them completely. I just....can't. I don't experience chaos and yelling with them. Just the opposite - they're the ones who taught me to squish my feelings so deeply I can barely feel them sometimes.
I visited my parents some days ago when high and I get the comment I always get when high, that it's nice to see I look better and that I am easy to talk to for once.
I get this a lot too...maybe the people saying it to me are comparing my appearance to when I was with a soul-sucking boyfriend. Now I'm the only one responsible for my soul-sucking. Other people = often far from encouraging.
Showering and brushing your teeth daily also help you have a good feeling on the inside, as well as cleaning up your apartment. I didn't necessarily believe in the latter until I cleaned up apartment, with the assistance of a close friend, for an entire day. My cat was even much happier when I had gotten the majority of the apartment cleaned up. I myself feel worlds better just having a clean apartment to come home to.
This is absolutely true. My cat gets SO happy when she has space to run her laps.. I need to arrange a cleaning day. Thanks for reminding about this..
To everyone on here:
I am so glad this place exists. Even though I try not to focus on negativity (which I have plenty of) it's a completely different thing to share and process it with others than wallowing alone.
Abject I hear you so clearly... I constantly feel alone, even when I'm not. It's like my skin is so thick and the distance between my brain's perception of the outside is millions of miles.
thenightwatch I can't imagine your pain. It's been a few months since I've felt suicidal. I don't know you at all, but I know I don't want this planet we share to lose your breath and energy.
I had real sleep last night, called into work, was feeling good, but ended up watching TV for too long and am stuck on my math homework. Still. Im glad for rest.
Since people are so different, I can imagine that reactions to that kind of statement coming from their own child would differ a lot as well. She probably does have your best interests at heart, but wasn't sure how to react to it. Could you possibly follow up and just straight up ask her for help and support? Keep hanging on, TNW. You're a very special person and the world needs you here. 
![:\](https://bluelight.org/xf/BL_Images/Orig_Emoji/wrygrin.gif "wry grin :\")
