PMS
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Jan 3, 2012
- Messages
- 145
Greetings everyone!
First of all, I must say that I greatly appreciate the privilege of a forum like this.,
I am a male multi-instrumentalist\artist in my early twenties, who unfortunately was "caught" by the whitecoats and imprisoned in a mental hospital the entire summer of 2011.
I've always been a highly sensitive individual, according to IQ-tests highly intelligent, and among the best jazz musicians of my age. I started teaching myself piano at the age of 3, electric guitars and bass at 10. I've composed over a hundred musical pieces and studied at one of the finest jazz conservatories in my country. Music and other fine arts has always been the focal point of my existence, something I've felt I was made for. I'm also rather introverted, keen on details, and a former wiccan student.
My drug "career" started at the age of 15, with daily cannabis use. I've had ethanol on rare occasions, same with amphetamine, but never enjoyed the effects. I've always been a hardcore stoner though, and I never felt it impaired anything at all, except all the money and time going up in smoke. I've since then had some wonderful "trips" on both wild Psilocybe Semantilica (sp?) along with home grown Cubensis, and always felt stronger afterwards. I have profound respect for every natural medicine, and has even had ayahuasha with fantastisc results.
After my father decided that I was in "deep shit" from all the cannabis I was smoking daily, he secretly contacted a shrink and told him all kinds of crazy bullshit. My father has long suffered from violent, temporary psychosis, which he self medicates with perverse amounts of liqour. Maybe he was to put the blame on me, I don't know. To make a long story short, he managed to get me locked into a mental hospital for over three months, even though I was not psychotic, depressed or anything in ANY sense. I did get extremely restless and frustrated from being deprived of all my rights, but nothing that should serve as a valid reason really.
During my three-month stay last summer, I was force fed daily with strong doses of Abilify and Zyprexa\Olanzapine, and then having to walk back-and-forth in a sterile corridor until night, maybe watching TV, all while the white-coats were noting stuff in their notepads. I remember the feeling when I first ate the "medicine", such a hellish condition. I was forgetting who I was, where I was, pissing myself sitting watching TV, and not being able to say anything except "yes" and "no".
The doctors told me this was common side effects, and that they would go away after few weeks. I could not avoid eating the poison, as they were checking my mouth to see if I swallowed it or not. I got so sick that I would spend the whole day in bed, floating in\and\out of conciousness, being restless and completely depraved. My creativity was completely gone, I couldn't plan anything, visualize anything, or remember anything. My hands, which have been crucial for playing musical instruments all my life, got so numb that I couldn't play a simple open chord. The numbness, or "non-existance of control" started in the pinkys, and then to the ring finger, until both hands were useless.
My emotional life and intelligence also was so slugged and flattened, that I didn't really feel like i could give a fuck anyways. I just spent the days looking out the window, wanting to spend time in the sun with my friends, rather depressed and going fat.
After nine weeks of forced medication, and no diagnosis at all, I managed to get off the pills, and instantly felt better. Three weeks later, and I was free as a bird, though still without any official diagnosis. I was really, really pissed off.
I got home, and realized that the horrible side effects, including what i suspect is nerve\frontal lobe damage, would not go away. I had 30 liberty caps a week after I got home, which absolutely helped- still not enough. Now it's been about four months since I got off the poison, but I'm still not feeling like myself at all. I have great difficulty with about every frontal lobe task, my hands are still numb, my feelings are flattened, and I'm growing increasingly frustrated. Often I feel like my "soul"- or innermost qualities are destroyed- and also I was imprisoned by the government for NO REASON. I get depressed, and get really morbid thoughts about "fuck it all- I'm gonna blow myself and the entire fucking government to hell and get famous."
So- what am I to do? I am really a calm and reasonable person, and an act of terror would never happen. But I'm just a shadow of myself these days, and I'm looking for a potent "psychotic" that would reverse the effects of the Abilify and Olanzapine. I've since had 25-C, 2C-C, 2C-D, DOI, MDAI, MDMA, Methiopropamine, JWH, AM-2233, Ethylone, Metocin, Miprocin, Psilatecin, Truffles, Shrooms, Kratom, Salvia, Morning Glory, DMT, Bufotenine, Methoxamine and alot of hash... used responsibly and with no noticeable side effects.
Any help or advice would be greatly appreciated. I apologize for my bad english, as it is not my first language.
Cheers,
-PMS
First of all, I must say that I greatly appreciate the privilege of a forum like this.,
I am a male multi-instrumentalist\artist in my early twenties, who unfortunately was "caught" by the whitecoats and imprisoned in a mental hospital the entire summer of 2011.
I've always been a highly sensitive individual, according to IQ-tests highly intelligent, and among the best jazz musicians of my age. I started teaching myself piano at the age of 3, electric guitars and bass at 10. I've composed over a hundred musical pieces and studied at one of the finest jazz conservatories in my country. Music and other fine arts has always been the focal point of my existence, something I've felt I was made for. I'm also rather introverted, keen on details, and a former wiccan student.
My drug "career" started at the age of 15, with daily cannabis use. I've had ethanol on rare occasions, same with amphetamine, but never enjoyed the effects. I've always been a hardcore stoner though, and I never felt it impaired anything at all, except all the money and time going up in smoke. I've since then had some wonderful "trips" on both wild Psilocybe Semantilica (sp?) along with home grown Cubensis, and always felt stronger afterwards. I have profound respect for every natural medicine, and has even had ayahuasha with fantastisc results.
After my father decided that I was in "deep shit" from all the cannabis I was smoking daily, he secretly contacted a shrink and told him all kinds of crazy bullshit. My father has long suffered from violent, temporary psychosis, which he self medicates with perverse amounts of liqour. Maybe he was to put the blame on me, I don't know. To make a long story short, he managed to get me locked into a mental hospital for over three months, even though I was not psychotic, depressed or anything in ANY sense. I did get extremely restless and frustrated from being deprived of all my rights, but nothing that should serve as a valid reason really.
During my three-month stay last summer, I was force fed daily with strong doses of Abilify and Zyprexa\Olanzapine, and then having to walk back-and-forth in a sterile corridor until night, maybe watching TV, all while the white-coats were noting stuff in their notepads. I remember the feeling when I first ate the "medicine", such a hellish condition. I was forgetting who I was, where I was, pissing myself sitting watching TV, and not being able to say anything except "yes" and "no".
The doctors told me this was common side effects, and that they would go away after few weeks. I could not avoid eating the poison, as they were checking my mouth to see if I swallowed it or not. I got so sick that I would spend the whole day in bed, floating in\and\out of conciousness, being restless and completely depraved. My creativity was completely gone, I couldn't plan anything, visualize anything, or remember anything. My hands, which have been crucial for playing musical instruments all my life, got so numb that I couldn't play a simple open chord. The numbness, or "non-existance of control" started in the pinkys, and then to the ring finger, until both hands were useless.
My emotional life and intelligence also was so slugged and flattened, that I didn't really feel like i could give a fuck anyways. I just spent the days looking out the window, wanting to spend time in the sun with my friends, rather depressed and going fat.
After nine weeks of forced medication, and no diagnosis at all, I managed to get off the pills, and instantly felt better. Three weeks later, and I was free as a bird, though still without any official diagnosis. I was really, really pissed off.
I got home, and realized that the horrible side effects, including what i suspect is nerve\frontal lobe damage, would not go away. I had 30 liberty caps a week after I got home, which absolutely helped- still not enough. Now it's been about four months since I got off the poison, but I'm still not feeling like myself at all. I have great difficulty with about every frontal lobe task, my hands are still numb, my feelings are flattened, and I'm growing increasingly frustrated. Often I feel like my "soul"- or innermost qualities are destroyed- and also I was imprisoned by the government for NO REASON. I get depressed, and get really morbid thoughts about "fuck it all- I'm gonna blow myself and the entire fucking government to hell and get famous."
So- what am I to do? I am really a calm and reasonable person, and an act of terror would never happen. But I'm just a shadow of myself these days, and I'm looking for a potent "psychotic" that would reverse the effects of the Abilify and Olanzapine. I've since had 25-C, 2C-C, 2C-D, DOI, MDAI, MDMA, Methiopropamine, JWH, AM-2233, Ethylone, Metocin, Miprocin, Psilatecin, Truffles, Shrooms, Kratom, Salvia, Morning Glory, DMT, Bufotenine, Methoxamine and alot of hash... used responsibly and with no noticeable side effects.
Any help or advice would be greatly appreciated. I apologize for my bad english, as it is not my first language.
Cheers,
-PMS