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  • Trip Reports Moderator: Xorkoth

(Psilocybin Cubensis / 8 grams) Experienced - Through Hell and Back

D n A

Bluelighter
Joined
Nov 25, 2010
Messages
5,358
This is one long, helluva read, but it was an insane and terrifying experience, and I suggest that anyone who is into mushrooms or plans on doing them should at least give this report a shot. I never thought it was possible to see the things that I did, and that other reports similar to mine were just made up. Oh, ignorance is bliss.. none of us are invincible, I sure learned that.

Let's begin, at the beginning..

I have been trying to quit doing MDMA recently, as the comedowns really mess with my moods and tend to effect me more than other people. So, since there was a rave coming up on Saturday, I decided to ask my ex-fb/dealer for 4 grams of mushrooms. I’ve done mushrooms many times at parties and raves and have done it enough times to know that 4 is my limit – any more would just be overwhelming.

He said that he would only be bringing MDMA and ketamine to the rave, but that he could probably grab 4 grams for me. Since he would be DJing until 10pm, I figured I’d start off the night sober and then get them from him later. I approached him after his set and he gave me a baggie that had crushed up mushrooms inside. I bought a water, went to the bathrooms, and swallowed down the entire bag. I noticed that the amount looked a little off, but since they were crushed up it was hard to tell, and I figured that an extra gram wouldn’t hurt. He has been known to give a little extra, so I figured he was just being nice and threw in a bit more. Little did I know that there was actually twice the amount that I planned on doing in that baggie, and he neglected to tell me.

After I finished the mushrooms, I went back upstairs to join my friends on the dancefloor. Within 30 minutes, it felt like all 4 grams had hit me at once, which was a surprisingly fast comeup for me. It was enjoyable at first, because it was at the level I wanted, and I didn’t notice anything wrong until 15 minutes afterwards when the other 4 grams hit.

I knew something was wrong. The visuals began to build with intensity – the floor looked a foot deep, and I waded through it as I danced. The walls and ceiling swirled and breathed, and the sounds around me began to warp. At first I figured that I was just overwhelmed by all the noise and people, so I told myself to calm down, and that all was fine. This seemed to work for the first bit. But I still didn’t feel that great, so I went to walk outside to have a smoke. As I walked away, I turned around to look at the dancefloor, and noticed that everyone who was far away from me looked fuzzy/furry, and that some of these people were turning into penguins. Others turned into dark shadow-people who hurried around the dancefloor, and their movements frightened me, so I looked away and continued my way to the smoke pit.

The hallway outside turned into a tunnel that surrounded me and pulsed with each step. On the way out, I ran into two of my friends and had a conversation with them, only to realise that one of them wasn’t even there and that I had imagined an entire conversation with them.

I finally made it outside. Getting some fresh air was nice, until I looked above me at the trees, whose branches encompassed me from above and swayed around in scary, jerky movements. Music was still pumping through the doors, and along with all the conversation swirling around me, the loud noises began to get to me. Everything I heard was so warped, I could barely understand what was going on.

I discovered my friend B in the smoke pit, and tried to have normal conversation with him, but everything felt so awkward, and it was so noisy that I couldn’t hear him very well. Midway through our conversation, I turned to him and asked him if it was raining.
“Is it just me, or am I feeling raindrops on my skin?” He laughed. “Nope, that’s just you.”
“Don’t fuck with me.. you’re SO trying to trip me out!”
“No, it really isn’t raining.. I swear..” He turned to some random girl. “Is it raining?”
She looked at him quizzically before responding with a “no.”
“See?” he said to me, giggling. I stared at him with a confused look on my face, before feeling a tap on my shoulder from my friend S. She was telling me how she was absolutely wasted, and then got this evil grin on her face, so I asked her if she was tripping me out, and she also began laughing.
“You bitch!” I laughed, and shoved her. She pushed me right back and I stumbled a little. In my state, I thought she was actually wanting to get in a fight with me, and I backed off with a terrified look on my face. Seeing my reaction, she came up to me and consoled me, apologizing and reassuring me that she was just kidding around. I grabbed her hand and asked her if she’d go inside with me.

She told me to meet her on the dancefloor, since she needed to go to the bathroom, so I continued over there by myself. I was met with an even more horrifying scene than before.

The shadow-people were moving across the floor with even more speed, and on the top left corner of their faces, they either had white plus or minus signs. I wasn’t really sure what this meant at the time, but I would find out later.

As I moved closer to the crowd, I spied my friends C, M, and BX. They motioned for me to come towards them, and as I got closer to C I noticed that his face was melting and bubbling, and that his skin seemed to be made out of foam or wax. I gave him a hug anyways, despite my fear of him, and as I pulled away I felt spiderwebs on my hands. I looked down to see my own skin bubbling, and I could actually feel the bubbles popping between my skin. I looked away and tried to focus on C’s face, but his eyes were melting down the sides of his face, so I tried looking at the floor instead.

C asked me if I was okay, to which I responded no. I was completely terrified. I told him that I needed to find my sister, who had been MIA for the past hour or so, it seemed. I had seen her at the beginning of my trip, but she went elsewhere after I left to go to the smoke pit. I had a feeling she was backstage, but security wasn’t letting anyone back there except the DJs, despite the fact that I had a staff access pass. C helped me look all over for her, and we asked anyone we ran into if she had been sighted, but to no avail. I teared up and told him that the only person who could save me from the hell I was in was her, and he tried to comfort me.

We moved further from the stage and danced with a group of friends we ran into. I half-heartedly shuffled around, but all’s I could see was the shadow-people with the signs on their faces. I tried to turn to my friends, but they were too busy bubbling and melting. I looked at C with a desperate look on my face, and he tried to cheer me up by jumping around and being silly. This had an adverse effect, as then, I noticed that I was able to completely see through people. As C moved around, it created the illusion that he was a ghost, and I was barely able to make out any of his features unless he was completely still. At this point, I broke down, terrified. C gave me a big hug and rubbed me on the back, but it didn’t help.

By now, I had lost my voice. I could hear what people were saying, but I was unsure of how to choke out words. Confused and frustrated, I managed to tell my friend M that I was going out for a smoke.

That’s when hell really became a reality.

I wandered away from the stage, by myself. Completely lost and surrounded by unknown people in a crowded, noisy space definitely did not make things better. It made things worse.

The hall turned into a tunnel, and shadow people rushed by me, as they had before. Suddenly, time began to slow. I watched in horror as the people with subtraction signs on their faces began to subtract themselves from existence.
Voices in my head told me that I had to join them, too. I looked at a window and saw a subtraction sign on my very own face. I was to subtract myself from existence, or they would get me later. Red eyes gleamed at me from the darkness, promising my own fate. They reminded me that there was a sharp razor blade in my backpack. I then knew what I was to do.

I continued walking down the hall. I knew that the stairs down to the bathrooms would be coming up soon on my right, and it was there that I would go, lock myself in a stall, and slit my wrists. By the time anyone discovered me, I would be long gone. The voices egged me on, spinning me into a deep depression. They reminded me of what a fuck up I was, how I deserved this, that I was the lowest of the low, and that if I wanted to do everyone a favour I would go to the last stall and kill myself. Images of my blood dripping down into a drain flashed before my eyes. I took a deep breath. My body seemed to be fading, as if it was beginning to subtract. I just wanted it to be over with- all the terror and pain that was coursing through my body and mind. I had had enough of this life. I wanted to end the fucking torture.

But instead of walking down the stairs, I found myself looking up out the doors to the smoke pit, where my friend J stood, staring at me. He beckoned me towards him. He was one of the few people without a sign on his face, so I instantly felt a blanket of safety fall around my mind. My legs guided me out the door and I collapsed into his chest.
“What’s wrong little lady? Are you okay? What’s going on?” I explained my situation to him, and he pulled me into his arms, reassuring me. He gave me a bunch of water to drink, something that I definitely should have had more of. Suddenly, I pulled away from him with a shriek, as I felt cigarette burns on my arms and legs. I brushed them furiously, but they continued to singe, and I tried putting water on my arms with no avail. J looked at me quizzically before I explained what I was feeling. He tried to rub my arms to make the burns go away, and they did.
I told him of my need to find my sister, and again we embarked inside, searching up and down for her. I began to feel a little better at this point. I think that the worst of the trip must have been over by then.

We finally ran into my sister. J left me with her, but unfortunately, I was still having trouble finding words, so I couldn’t explain what was going on to her. She seemed frustrated, so I just tried to give her a hug and dance together with our friends.

At this point, I finally began to sober up a little. As I had predicted, seeing my sister had made me feel much safer, and I began to calm down and enjoy myself, despite the fact that I was still tripping out hard. However, the shadow people were beginning to disappear, and everyone was starting to look normal again. People’s faces were still melting, and I could still see right through them, but it was tolerable by then.

I ran into my friend S again, who was absolutely wasted but having a great time, and she convinced me to come up to the front of the stage and join our friends M and CX. My vision was starting to clear a little more, but I was still swimming in visuals so it was, at times, difficult to see exactly what was going on. However, I was starting to have fun again, and I started to grow more confident. For the next hour or so, we danced, joked around, and took pictures. Everything was back to normal.

The party got shut down an hour before it was supposed to, due to a stunning 30 noise complaints, so my friends and I all rounded together, grabbed our things, got changed and made a plan to get back to C’s house for an afterparty. I took the bus with CX and our friend K while the rest of our friends either taxied or drove.

On the bus trip to C’s, I started to begin having flashbacks of the trip. These memories stimulated painful feelings and torturous thoughts, and I turned suicidal again. However, my friends seemed to notice and began joking around with me to take my mind off of things. By the time we got to C’s, I had pretty much sobered up, and felt fully exhausted from the entire ordeal. We went inside and sat down with around 20 or so people, chatting and laughing.

My sister and A, my ex/dealer, had gone off to go buy some food. A came in the door with my sister lagging a few minutes behind, and as he entered, he came up to me and started laughing.
“Hey, did you eat that entire bag? Because that wasn’t 4 grams. That was more like 7-8. I was in a rush to leave and didn’t have time to measure it, so I just grabbed a random baggie.”
“..how come you never told me that there was more than I thought inside?”
“I dunno. I figured you’d be able to handle it. You’ve done large amounts like this before.”
“Yeah. But never at a rave. Where it’s loud, noisy, and crowded. Do you even know the shit I went through? I had my first bad trip, and it was fucking awful. I nearly died.”
He shrugged his shoulders and turned away. I was furious. What the fuck was he thinking?

Later on, the next day as I was on my way home from C’s, I finally texted my sister and told her about my trip. She responded by freaking out and telling me that she knew someone who had killed themselves on a large dosage of mushrooms, and that our trips had been very similar. She was, naturally, quite concerned, and since she was still with A she asked him what had went on.
He lied to her and said that I had never specified how many grams I had wanted, that I just asked for [a certain priced amount that would normally equal out to 4g]. I knew this was false, as I asked him for 4, and he confirmed that he would probably be able to bring that same amount.
I think that, since he and my sister are friends, he was trying to make me look like the stupid fool who knowingly did too much and was trying to blame it on the dealer. Sadly, that is not the case. I know that my limit at raves is 4 grams, as I have said, and would never do such a large amount at a noisy party.




I know it’ll take time and rest before I can fully get over this experience, but right now, it’s very difficult for me to handle. I’m just glad I have good friends to talk to. But even this will not always suffice.

To anyone who is thinking of doing large amounts of mushrooms: don’t, unless you are in a calm and quiet environment, chilling out with people you are close to. Never, ever do large amounts at parties that are crowded and loud, and where you can easily get lost. This will be a mistake.
Like I said, I never planned on this happening. So avoid it, if you can. It was fucking hell and I never want to go through it again. Keep yourself safe. Because this shit can kill you, or make you want to kill yourself. As it nearly made me do.


I finally want to add that this trip report will NEVER actually sum up the things I saw. I will never be able to fully recount into words the terror I actually went through. I know that this trip doesn't sound as scary as it really was, but believe me, it was fucking torture and hell and no one should EVER have to go through this. No one should ever have to hear or see these things.
I used to think I was invincible to having bad trips.
I was very, very wrong.
I'm not invincible. And neither are you, so don't think that this can't happen to you, either.


Best wishes


-D-​


Tagged by bindingaffinity
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Dios mio..
That's one hell of an experience D.
Thanks for sharing.
 
Yea I dunno if I could do mushrooms at a rave (I haven't even been to one, so yet alone if I was shrooming I probably couldn't handle that in that setting...haha)
 
That was a great trip report, thanks for writing that up!

I have to say I think the depression and suicidal ideations are related to the ecstasy use. The mushrooms can definitely be psychologically traumatizing on their own, but this sounds like a combined effect to me.

You should really pick up some benzos and an antipsychotic. I never ever go to a party without them anymore; after a few experiences like yours I resolved never to go through that again, and it's been a real lifesaver.
 
xanax is always a great backup plan, or niacin/niacinamide (trip killer/ natural antipsychotic)
 
Wow. Rivetting read.
Very interesting, my father scared himself out of psychedelic use when he was younger, he also described the shadow people coming for him.
8 grams is an enormous amount of mushrooms, having had bad acid trips I know what you're talking about, the imagery you describe is terrible enough but nothing can quite describe the feeling of hell.

I actually gained a lot from my bad experience, if you feel like you're a fuck up as you say, then do something about it.
You can't change your past, but you can control your future.

Slowly, one by one, start confronting these personality issues that have come up in your trip, and try and do something about it. Now that you are aware of these problems, you can actively work to change things in your own mind for the better.

The first lesson you learn is not to be so gung ho on the psychs, or at least that's what I learned first. I have personally never consumed such a huge dose of mushrooms.

PS: Your mate who gave you the bag is a dick by the way. I would be wary of trusting this person, doesn't sound like they're a responsible drug dealer or person. What you spoke of, erasing your own existence.
Irresponsible drug dealers like that can be the ones that do the existence erasing, giving people too many drugs to fry themselves with and not caring either way. If you choose to sell powerful chemicals at least look after your fellow man.
I feel for you dude, keep your head up it will get better.
 
^Spot on, great trip report, one of the best I've ever read. The psychological terror, for me like my consciousness is being pressed into nervous energy within a shrinking box, is by far the wort part of bad trips. Shrooms in public, especially loud, confusing places, can be really rough.

The after effects are hard, I've had issues with depression, anxiety and depersonalization after 2 trips, as well as being completely burnt out and fucked up for almost a year after one other experience. It'll get better though, with time and abstinance, I recomend not tripping or rolling for a long while and taking time to get your mind together. Gather your thoughts and feelings and explore who you are, as TangarinO said, you can gain a lot from bad experiences with contemplation, my bad trips have told me as much or more about myself than my good ones.

I'm sorry had to go through this, bad high dose trips are some of the worst psychological experiences a person can have. Some 5-HTP, maybe green tea extract and fish oil would probably help with the depression and other mental effects. I hate that realization "I'm a total fuck up", I've had that and it's rough, especially during the trip. I don't have any advise for that really, except fuck the world, if you're happy and not hurting yourself by being happy then you aren't a fuck up. I find mushrooms to be really, really rough on my mind in general.

Also, that dealer sounds shady, someone who would do something like that is an inconsiderate douche and a bad dealer to boot. I wouldn't fuck with someone after they pulled a stunt like that.
 
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Oh I just saw that this all happened LAST WEEKEND. Way too early to say you're permanently fucked up. I bet in a month you're right as rain.
 
That was a great trip report, thanks for writing that up!

I have to say I think the depression and suicidal ideations are related to the ecstasy use. The mushrooms can definitely be psychologically traumatizing on their own, but this sounds like a combined effect to me.

You should really pick up some benzos and an antipsychotic. I never ever go to a party without them anymore; after a few experiences like yours I resolved never to go through that again, and it's been a real lifesaver.
It has nothing to do with ecstacy use. I was feeling absolutely fine before the party, I try to avoid doing psychedelics if I'm in a bad mood. But as I said, the combination of being alone in a loud, crowded space was definitely too much to handle. And not knowing that I had done so much also didn't help. It was quite confusing. I've been able to save myself from having a bad trip before, but that was in a quieter setting, and I was able to calm myself down and reassure myself that things would be okay. This was completely different.


^Spot on, great trip report, one of the best I've ever read. The psychological terror, for me like my consciousness is being pressed into nervous energy within a shrinking box, is by far the wort part of bad trips. Shrooms in public, especially loud, confusing places, can be really rough.

The after effects are hard, I've had issues with depression, anxiety and depersonalization after 2 trips, as well as being completely burnt out and fucked up for almost a year after one other experience. It'll get better though, with time and abstinance, I recomend not tripping or rolling for a long while and taking time to get your mind together. Gather your thoughts and feelings and explore who you are, as TangarinO said, you can gain a lot from bad experiences with contemplation, my bad trips have told me as much or more about myself than my good ones.

I'm sorry had to go through this, bad high dose trips are some of the worst psychological experiences a person can have. Some 5-HTP, maybe green tea extract and fish oil would probably help with the depression and other mental effects. I hate that realization "I'm a total fuck up", I've had that and it's rough, especially during the trip. I don't have any advise for that really, except fuck the world, if you're happy and not hurting yourself by being happy then you aren't a fuck up. I find mushrooms to be really, really rough on my mind in general.

Also, that dealer sounds shady, someone who would do something like that is an inconsiderate douche and a bad dealer to boot. I wouldn't fuck with someone after they pulled a stunt like that.
Said dealer happens to be a guy that I was seeing on and off for nearly a year. We went through a lot of shit together, and though we were recently on good terms, we did end up getting in a little fight about two weeks ago. The problem is that my sister is best friends with him, so I have to try to make an effort to get along with him since she will be moving into a house with him and 2 of our other friends by the end of December.

After our little argument, I tried to set things straight and had a talk with him. I thought things were okay after, and that we were back on good terms once again, but I may be wrong. He has been known to deliberately drug people who piss him off, whether it means giving them caps filled with meth, large amounts of ketamine, or unknown doses of psychedelics. I'm wondering if perhaps he lied and was still angry with me, and decided that this was his way to get back at me.

He also did tell my sister that he doesn't want to deal to me as much anymore, because he feels that the drugs fuck with my moods. I think that this is him just trying to relay false concern to her to make her think that he wasn't trying to fuck me up. There is also the possibility that he was trying to teach me a lesson about drugs, so that I will abstain from them. But really, my gut feeling is that I was given 8 grams on purpose, with bad intentions.

I know that the feelings will go away, but for the time being I've been waking up crying every morning. The memories of the trip still plague me and I can still hear the whispers go through my head. I'd like to be taking 5-HTP, but I had my wisdom teeth removed this past Tuesday and am taking pharmaceuticals that I fear could interact with it. So for now, I'm just trying to keep my chin up and surround myself with family and friends who will comfort me.

I already struggle with depersonalization/derealization due to a little much ketamine usage in the past, but it's tolerable. I haven't noticed any visual after effects from this trip yet- just the memories and depression so far. You're right, it'll all go away in good time, and it's probably a very good idea to just stay away from all drugs in general for the time being. I've been trying to kick a lot of habits recently - I'm a month and a half sober from coke, have not bought any ketamine for about 2 months, and am trying to only do MDMA/MDA at most once a month. This will probably help me to abstain from all of these habits..



Thanks for all your input. It's greatly appreciated.
 
I can understand needing to preserve the relationship, but I wouldn't buy drugs from the dude again, he put you in a really dangerous and unpleasant situation. Plus, anyone who purposefully gives people different/high doses of drugs to harm them is an ass and doesn't deserve drug money, people like that give all drug dealers a bad name.

When I was fried out the things that made me feel better were exercise, weed and supplements (rhodiola, phenylalanine, fish oil, green tea extract and 5-htp seemed to work best, the ones other than 5-HTP probably wouldn't react with the wisdom teeth drugs), and a lot of mental activity like reading and stuff. But everyone's different. Anyway, I definitely sympathize with your situation.
 
A little more has evolved about the story.

Someone close to me (let's call them X) unfortunately decided to get themselves involved, despite my warnings to stay out. They texted the guy about the situation, and pretty much, his responses involved saying that he didn't give a shit about what had happened and that it was my problem that I never asked a third time to make sure that there were 4 grams in the bag. Apparently it's not his responsibility to disclose the amount given.

As a dealer, don't you think that's a little important? Especially taking into consideration what could have happened?

Fuck, this is retarded. But it's finally giving me an excuse to rid that piece of shit from my life. It's just going to be difficult, considering my sister will be living in the same household as him. I'm hoping that my sister won't fall for the same shit that I did and that she won't be manipulated into believing that he's the 'good guy.'

All of this stuff happening at once is really stressful on me right now.. I'm going to try and relax as much as possible right now. Too much to deal with after so harsh of a trip..
 
Any person who isn't serverly concerned that they gave someone even a slightly bad trip let alone a straight disaster is a demon or simply has never been there. I find mashrooms never go well with parties for me, you just never know with 'em. For all you know the guy could of given you four grams that could have ended up being just as potent or more so than the eight you ate. Mushrooms are a real gamble and IMO theres nohing better for a psychological raping then shrooms. For parties in general are the only time I love doing MDMA and its mainly when I save it for. I just never feel comfortable dosing with a bunch of strangers since you never really know how things will turn out, sometimes even light doses ran more rampant than expected and such. MDA is also good. I don't enjoy MDMA like most do though and have no problems not using it or over using it. Something to always remember, atleast IMO is how downright silly you would find it if you had actually gone through with self harm on psychedelics. I've been to places before where my mind came to the conclusion that suicide would be the only way to end this eternal pain that the world and chemicals were causing. Then I thought about how experiences are always finite and will end, not to mention how many times I had felt absolutely broken and raped by psychedelics only to comedown and actually find the experience to most times later on be beneficial. These experiences cause you to grow exponentially, you really learn things about yourself when mushrooms are obliterating your mind and refusing to allow you to separate certain portions away from others. The boundaries dissolve and you can no longer defend. When you realize this and have survived one with this feeling, it becomes knowledge. Mushrooms can still mess with my mind, but instead of sitting there wondering usually I just giggle at the thought that i'm wheezing which must mean my lungs are fucked and i'm dying/etc. scenario. Also IMO its ungodly important to remember that its not a good idea to dose in a safe environment when your mind is loopy and anxious about something, especially whether your stepping over the line with chemical use. Trips can really help guide you through that turmoil but if you go to far you might get to self deprecating instead of building yourself up with the knowledge that you can and will change. Finally its always important to remember that time heals all wounds. Even permanent scars begin to dull or fade atleast ever so slightly with time. In terms of bad trips and especially concerning mushrooms, i;ve seen worse and heard worse. The only real cringe worthy portion was the bathroom voyage but I had a friend who would only utter things about jumping out windows being the solutions to the problems. Also you were lucky enough to remain physically in control which is a huge blessing, it not you probably would have been in the hospital. A lot of people i've seen have hellish disaster trips usually become physically violent. I once watched a friend on an 1/8 of far to potent mushrooms assault a parked Cadillac in a Boston Market parking lot....

P.S. This man makes me look like a child comparable to intellectual standards. HA!
 
A little more has evolved about the story.

Someone close to me (let's call them X) unfortunately decided to get themselves involved, despite my warnings to stay out. They texted the guy about the situation, and pretty much, his responses involved saying that he didn't give a shit about what had happened and that it was my problem that I never asked a third time to make sure that there were 4 grams in the bag. Apparently it's not his responsibility to disclose the amount given.

As a dealer, don't you think that's a little important? Especially taking into consideration what could have happened?

Fuck, this is retarded. But it's finally giving me an excuse to rid that piece of shit from my life. It's just going to be difficult, considering my sister will be living in the same household as him. I'm hoping that my sister won't fall for the same shit that I did and that she won't be manipulated into believing that he's the 'good guy.'

All of this stuff happening at once is really stressful on me right now.. I'm going to try and relax as much as possible right now. Too much to deal with after so harsh of a trip..

It's definitely important for the dealer to tell you what you're getting. If the guy did it intentionally he is an ass and might even have mental problems, no good person ever does that to another. If he did it unintentionally he's an irresponsible dumbass. Either way, not the type to buy drugs from, a good dealer doesn't poison his customers.

Man I remember after one trip I did that involved ayahuasca for the first time combined with several other psychedelics, I had to return to a school environment the week after cause I was in my mid teens at the time, and it wrecked my mind, the stress and all the people everywhere, I wanted to run into the woods for several weeks. Stresses of life are bullshit when all you wanna do is lay around and let your mind heal, I feel you on that for sure. Also as a teen I think the mental effects after tripping can be much more severe than with fully grown people.

If you like weed, I always found that smoking herb gave me an escape from the burn out and let me just zen out and ignore the world and all the people in it for a while. But I'm a major pot head, so that might not work so well for others.
 
Any person who isn't serverly concerned that they gave someone even a slightly bad trip let alone a straight disaster is a demon or simply has never been there.
It's both. He's an evil person.. and I don't remember him ever telling me that he's had a bad trip before. If he had gone through what I did, I'm sure he'd feel a lot differently on the subject.

Something to always remember, atleast IMO is how downright silly you would find it if you had actually gone through with self harm on psychedelics. I've been to places before where my mind came to the conclusion that suicide would be the only way to end this eternal pain that the world and chemicals were causing. Then I thought about how experiences are always finite and will end, not to mention how many times I had felt absolutely broken and raped by psychedelics only to comedown and actually find the experience to most times later on be beneficial.
At the time, it seemed like the only way out. I normally know how to divert my brain from these kind of thoughts, but the most intense feeling of depression crashed down upon me and it was impossible to escape. I told myself so many times that it was all in my head, to calm down, that everything would be okay so long as I focused on the good things going on in my life, but those thoughts were impossible to bring up under the circumstances. I've never felt so crushed, so absolutely immersed by such a feeling of fear, sadness, and loneliness. That feeling nearly drove me over the edge. And I nearly succumbed to it, regardless of my attempts to try and reassure myself.

Also IMO its ungodly important to remember that its not a good idea to dose in a safe environment when your mind is loopy and anxious about something, especially whether your stepping over the line with chemical use. Trips can really help guide you through that turmoil but if you go to far you might get to self deprecating instead of building yourself up with the knowledge that you can and will change.
I was in a decent mood that day, excited to go out and be with friends. I was far from depressed at the time, so far as I remember, and I was having a lot of fun up until the point where I started to feel overwhelmed. I've done psychs before while being in a bad mood, and indeed, it did help me through a lot and see past the issues I was facing at the time. But this was just raw terror brought on by something far from my control.
 
My girlfriend actually had a similar experience.
Her ex-boyfriend, evil just like this person, gave her waaay too many mushrooms. I would say maybe 3 or 4 grams. It was first time doing any psych, she is tiny, has self esteem issues, he was an abusive fuck bag and as it turns out she's quite sensitive to psychs in general.
It didn't end well for her either, and considering this guy in your stories laid back attitude about the situation I'd say if anything else this is the universes way of warning you of his toxic presence. It certainly was in the case of my girlfriend.
 
Well, if anything, here was just one more reason of many to rid him from my life. He does in fact have anger management issues and was in a facility when he was younger due to slight psychotic tendencies as well as a bit of autism, apparently. He's really fucked in the head. This isn't even the half of it. I've seen and heard him do so many horrible, strange things to others to know by now to just stay away.
 
Yea he does seem fucked in the head, and the drugs aren't helping him. Shrooms royally fuck up my world even at doses of like 2 and a half grams, i can't imagine 8 grams or w.e especially at a rave. You tell your self before the trip, remember its a psychedelic you cannot die from it. But once the shrooms kick in, all hell breaks loose and you forget all about that. I really felt bad for you while reading the trip report. Thats why i don't mess with psychedelics really anymore, everything seems too hectic at the moment while you are tripping it just isn't fun. Only part i like is after the trip, piecing things together in your life and analyzing things. Anyways im sure more than 1 person on this site has been through what you have, or close to it. You'll be better in no time, try not to get too caught up in these negative thoughts. And fuck tripping at an event, things can go from good to bad in a matter of seconds.
 
Yeah, like I said, I just figured I was so fucking invincible, having done it oh so many times and getting away 'scott-free.' Well.. lol.

It's just difficult with what's going on right now. I got in a massive fight with the guy yesterday, and we both just blew right up and said the cruelest things to one another. Things we've probably been wanting to say to one another for months now, but due to our communication issues.. it just all came out now. Lots of anger, stress, and drama. And other people decided to get themselves involved and made things worse. If it hadn't been for that, we may have been able to peacefully resolve the issue.. but no.

And now my sister will be moving into a house with him, and he blackmailed me to make her angry with me. Luckily we're very close and she's quite forgiving, but she's still angry at what she found out - this concerns me hiding certain areas of my drug usage from her, and what with her trying to be a role model for me and make sure I don't do anything stupid, this was upsetting for her.

I probably won't be able to visit her often, which is going to be difficult. She's one of my best friends. We're going to try and fix things between the three of us but that's.. going to be nearly impossible. I hate to say it, but it's the truth.

It's difficult to heal from this trip with so much bullshit going on. I just try to remind myself it's just another day in my life, and that things could be worse. First world problems.. right?
 
She's mad at YOU for your dealing giving you too much mushrooms without telling you and she's moving in with HIM? Sorry, sounds like she needs to get her priorities straight...
 
Well, if anything, here was just one more reason of many to rid him from my life. He does in fact have anger management issues and was in a facility when he was younger due to slight psychotic tendencies as well as a bit of autism, apparently. He's really fucked in the head. This isn't even the half of it. I've seen and heard him do so many horrible, strange things to others to know by now to just stay away.

Yeah I was going to say D n A, the guy I'm talking about is also the only truly psychotic person I've ever met. I won't go into specifics but I think you have to be a fucking psycho to purposely dose someone with that many mushrooms.
Anyone who's ever done a relatively high dose knows they are not something to be toyed with. Don't worry he'll get his psychedelic karma like everyone that does this kind of shit.

PS: Someone earlier in the thread had the best piece of advice. Calm down, don't try and sort these issues out now, your brain is going to be super fragile after a brutal trip like that. You need to get your head straight and then try and deal with these issues. So this means, Frankie say RELAX (I'm Frankie for the purpose of this post).
Sort your own head out and then try and sort out external factors. Until then take lots of baths, listen to a lot relaxing music, stay away from drugs and alcohol, if weed agrees with you maybe smoke a bit and just try and come back down to reality a bit.

I always say psychs shoot you away from everyday reality and you slowly float back down like a feather. I'm at the tail end of rather frequent acid use, you don't really realise how warped your head can get until you stop. Wait until you're back on your feet before you start trying to deal with all these complicated issues.

As far as mending the relationship between you three, this can't really ever truly happen unless this dickhead can admit what he did, how wrong it was, and at least apologise sincerely.
 
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