Solipsis
Bluelight Crew
- Joined
- Mar 12, 2007
- Messages
- 15,509
Today I had a very valuable experience from LSD, though I would not really characterize it as a trip like so many I've had in the past.
It was intentionally low-dosed to try as a therapeutic medicine I can really use for several reasons. You can read on for the reasons or skip to the experience part.
[a little semi-recent background history]
For about 9 months or so I have not been taking psychedelics except for maybe one or two exceptions that are hardly worth mentioning. I had a difficult time for a part of this year because my life crashed and burned in the city where I had attended college (chemistry) and worked. Things were headed nowhere for me and I succumbed to self-destructive patterns.
I moved back to my parents for a while, then moved to the city I had been waiting to move to for years. I started rebuilding my life, practically as well (my interior design) as well as adjusting to living with my best friend. But I became passive with looking for a job and relapsed to drug abuse, mainly ketamine. I have been trying very hard to get clean and focus my life on the things I love to do like producing music and expressing myself artistically in other ways. Recently I have found a new job and things are finally stabilizing again which makes me very glad.
[background relevant to therapeutic purposes]
After my life fell apart I got therapy from someone who helped me from reconnecting with my emotions after completely having shutdown. For that phase in my life it worked well and I had a breakthrough in the sense that I started to find myself again. Since not too long I have a new therapist (psychologist) with a more analytical approach. Even after shaking bad habits I still have issues which seem to be a little like this: my second trip ever was what some might call soul rape (rape here meaning the equivalent of "involuntary or forced surrender" or torture, i.e. I could not handle the intensity in the slightest and was forced to surrender myself into a mystical state that lasted for hours. It changed me for life, in some good ways but also in a traumatic way.
It seems that ever since then latent tendencies flared up like needing to fundamentally understand everything, I am hypervigilant and have unvoluntary brain storms. Apparently because I was not nearly ready to surrender my entire ego and - what I thought was my life and sanity - I now continuously try to control everything rationally to keep in control subconsciously to try and prevent involuntary surrender of any kind. In other words I have trouble letting myself go and just have confidence and faith that everything is okay, and I can just relax. A lot of this is probably a limbic system related thing.
So for a while now I have been contemplating using something like LSD again to help me with aligning emotions and thought, resolving them against each other to make way for a sort of mystical freedom. When I told my therapist he mentioned knowing a psychiatrist who was involved with LSD therapy and that it had been quite successful. He made a point about saying that what I consider LSD to do for me is very therapeutic and that it could completely help me out. Not that he encouraged me to do it again, but I realized this is a much better way to try and medicate these issues than looking for pharmaceutical relief.
Next week I start my new job and it seemed like a nice moment to try and see how well LSD could help me out.
[the experience]
I was having second thoughts at the start of the day, being nervous since I had not done it for such a long while. I completely cleaned the kitchen and tidied everything up, prepared 2/3 of a hit of Shiva blotter and dropped it. The best estimate I have as to the dose is that it was compared by someone else to blotters that had been labtested at 100 ug, and he estimated them to be as good as or up to 1.5x better perhaps which is more of a guesstimate.
My roommate came home and I talked a little with him and relaxed waiting for it to work. After an hour I asked him a second opinion about redosing since I was only feeling a +. He wisely commented that I ought go outside and give it a little more time.
So I went for a walk, and that's when it became really special. Honestly I had almost no visuals, this was mainly a transformational process I felt starting inside me. I put on some very euphoric music and walked into the direction of a natural not-that-cultivated park / patch of nature nearby. I started grinning like a maniac more and more every second. I felt mentally together and greeted strangers on the way, perhaps with a much too big smile on my face but whatever! :D
I looked around and realized that everything around me reflected me and the other way around. Like the mind is a house of mirrors, there is no content only patterns, and everything bounces off each other perfectly orchestrated but ultimately what you see is part of yourself, you are part of the world and the other way around. I felt like I was dissolving, my legs went rubbery and I started to feel more fluid. Energy started flowing inside me which was very welcome since I have been neglecting meditation for too long. Soon I felt like deep within my core there was a knot, it physically troubled me. But then it was like a comb was going through it and it gradually got straightened out, producing a cathartic release. First I felt relief, my grin became so wide it felt like it spanned across my whole head, my field of vision opened up completely and my entire head seemed to be opened like a convertible. I also felt like when I blinked my eyes, I did not temporarily see less but MORE - as if with eyes closed I felt entirely connected to everything even moreso than my just using your normal senses.
Then came the grief, I realized all the bad decisions I had made, relapsing, selling myself short and hurting my best friend and causing my parents to worry. It was not the guilt that got me, it was more like I felt how hard it was for me to just be able to let things go and be at peace with myself. I was incredibly in need for that peace, but it came together with all the bad hurt of the past 6 months. So I bawled like a baby, sometimes I was laughing through the tears at the same time, it all came out as raw emotion.
I went to sit at on bench and let myself go some more. I lied down on the bench and stared at the sky. Then exactly when on my earphones a song called "Rain" started playing it all came gushing down. In no time I was soaked, but the synchronicity seemed like a beautiful metaphor for something or at least like a sort of mini cosmic joke. Then humor and laughter got back through the tears again and I felt thoroughly purified.
Another funny thing is that just before I left home I said to my housemate/best friend: this is one of those batches of acid that tastes like soap, which I found funny since acid has sometimes been aptly described as "mind detergent". So then after I walked home in the best feeling rain I might have felt in my life I got back home and yelled: What has to be added to soap? WATER!
My friend and I got cozy with a cup of tea on the couch and had a nice deep and honest conversation that was really beautiful.
[conclusion]
To me it seemed like an excellent result. I had no visuals whatsoever which is not something I would have minded, but instead it really gave me relief, it helped me process things I find difficult to adress myself, rationality almost always takes over. It worked exactly like I intended: sometimes to look for a cure you need to take part of the root of cause for it. Since this was a voluntary and long-needed surrender and dep realignment it helped me do exactly what became difficult for me in the course of years. I feel like my eyes were wide open today, but I also realize that it needs maintenance to sustain that. So I will meditate more often, and expect to keep using low doses of LSD as a very effective medicine.
Even though I had not taken acid in quite a while it was like coming home again. And considering my extensive experience I think that made me feel like fundamentally it didn't make me feel any different about my identity which is well-integrated and reintegrated countless times after highdose trips. I think that really makes a lot of difference if you want to guide yourself through therapy like this without more guidance to rely on.
As a bonus I would like to share with you a track [Genre IDM? Electronica] I have been working on that reflects my positive outlook on things. It's far from done yet but I hope you will enjoy the positive sound of it. Thats the main thing I wanna convey as a contribution to the report. 
http://soundcloud.com/solipsis/project-8-4-2-working-title
Tagged by bindingaffinity
substancecode_lsd
substancecode_lysergamides
explevel_veryexperienced
exptype_positive
exptype_lifechanging
roacode_sublingual
It was intentionally low-dosed to try as a therapeutic medicine I can really use for several reasons. You can read on for the reasons or skip to the experience part.
[a little semi-recent background history]
For about 9 months or so I have not been taking psychedelics except for maybe one or two exceptions that are hardly worth mentioning. I had a difficult time for a part of this year because my life crashed and burned in the city where I had attended college (chemistry) and worked. Things were headed nowhere for me and I succumbed to self-destructive patterns.
I moved back to my parents for a while, then moved to the city I had been waiting to move to for years. I started rebuilding my life, practically as well (my interior design) as well as adjusting to living with my best friend. But I became passive with looking for a job and relapsed to drug abuse, mainly ketamine. I have been trying very hard to get clean and focus my life on the things I love to do like producing music and expressing myself artistically in other ways. Recently I have found a new job and things are finally stabilizing again which makes me very glad.
[background relevant to therapeutic purposes]
After my life fell apart I got therapy from someone who helped me from reconnecting with my emotions after completely having shutdown. For that phase in my life it worked well and I had a breakthrough in the sense that I started to find myself again. Since not too long I have a new therapist (psychologist) with a more analytical approach. Even after shaking bad habits I still have issues which seem to be a little like this: my second trip ever was what some might call soul rape (rape here meaning the equivalent of "involuntary or forced surrender" or torture, i.e. I could not handle the intensity in the slightest and was forced to surrender myself into a mystical state that lasted for hours. It changed me for life, in some good ways but also in a traumatic way.
It seems that ever since then latent tendencies flared up like needing to fundamentally understand everything, I am hypervigilant and have unvoluntary brain storms. Apparently because I was not nearly ready to surrender my entire ego and - what I thought was my life and sanity - I now continuously try to control everything rationally to keep in control subconsciously to try and prevent involuntary surrender of any kind. In other words I have trouble letting myself go and just have confidence and faith that everything is okay, and I can just relax. A lot of this is probably a limbic system related thing.
So for a while now I have been contemplating using something like LSD again to help me with aligning emotions and thought, resolving them against each other to make way for a sort of mystical freedom. When I told my therapist he mentioned knowing a psychiatrist who was involved with LSD therapy and that it had been quite successful. He made a point about saying that what I consider LSD to do for me is very therapeutic and that it could completely help me out. Not that he encouraged me to do it again, but I realized this is a much better way to try and medicate these issues than looking for pharmaceutical relief.
Next week I start my new job and it seemed like a nice moment to try and see how well LSD could help me out.
[the experience]
I was having second thoughts at the start of the day, being nervous since I had not done it for such a long while. I completely cleaned the kitchen and tidied everything up, prepared 2/3 of a hit of Shiva blotter and dropped it. The best estimate I have as to the dose is that it was compared by someone else to blotters that had been labtested at 100 ug, and he estimated them to be as good as or up to 1.5x better perhaps which is more of a guesstimate.
My roommate came home and I talked a little with him and relaxed waiting for it to work. After an hour I asked him a second opinion about redosing since I was only feeling a +. He wisely commented that I ought go outside and give it a little more time.
So I went for a walk, and that's when it became really special. Honestly I had almost no visuals, this was mainly a transformational process I felt starting inside me. I put on some very euphoric music and walked into the direction of a natural not-that-cultivated park / patch of nature nearby. I started grinning like a maniac more and more every second. I felt mentally together and greeted strangers on the way, perhaps with a much too big smile on my face but whatever! :D
I looked around and realized that everything around me reflected me and the other way around. Like the mind is a house of mirrors, there is no content only patterns, and everything bounces off each other perfectly orchestrated but ultimately what you see is part of yourself, you are part of the world and the other way around. I felt like I was dissolving, my legs went rubbery and I started to feel more fluid. Energy started flowing inside me which was very welcome since I have been neglecting meditation for too long. Soon I felt like deep within my core there was a knot, it physically troubled me. But then it was like a comb was going through it and it gradually got straightened out, producing a cathartic release. First I felt relief, my grin became so wide it felt like it spanned across my whole head, my field of vision opened up completely and my entire head seemed to be opened like a convertible. I also felt like when I blinked my eyes, I did not temporarily see less but MORE - as if with eyes closed I felt entirely connected to everything even moreso than my just using your normal senses.
Then came the grief, I realized all the bad decisions I had made, relapsing, selling myself short and hurting my best friend and causing my parents to worry. It was not the guilt that got me, it was more like I felt how hard it was for me to just be able to let things go and be at peace with myself. I was incredibly in need for that peace, but it came together with all the bad hurt of the past 6 months. So I bawled like a baby, sometimes I was laughing through the tears at the same time, it all came out as raw emotion.
I went to sit at on bench and let myself go some more. I lied down on the bench and stared at the sky. Then exactly when on my earphones a song called "Rain" started playing it all came gushing down. In no time I was soaked, but the synchronicity seemed like a beautiful metaphor for something or at least like a sort of mini cosmic joke. Then humor and laughter got back through the tears again and I felt thoroughly purified.
Another funny thing is that just before I left home I said to my housemate/best friend: this is one of those batches of acid that tastes like soap, which I found funny since acid has sometimes been aptly described as "mind detergent". So then after I walked home in the best feeling rain I might have felt in my life I got back home and yelled: What has to be added to soap? WATER!
My friend and I got cozy with a cup of tea on the couch and had a nice deep and honest conversation that was really beautiful.
[conclusion]
To me it seemed like an excellent result. I had no visuals whatsoever which is not something I would have minded, but instead it really gave me relief, it helped me process things I find difficult to adress myself, rationality almost always takes over. It worked exactly like I intended: sometimes to look for a cure you need to take part of the root of cause for it. Since this was a voluntary and long-needed surrender and dep realignment it helped me do exactly what became difficult for me in the course of years. I feel like my eyes were wide open today, but I also realize that it needs maintenance to sustain that. So I will meditate more often, and expect to keep using low doses of LSD as a very effective medicine.
Even though I had not taken acid in quite a while it was like coming home again. And considering my extensive experience I think that made me feel like fundamentally it didn't make me feel any different about my identity which is well-integrated and reintegrated countless times after highdose trips. I think that really makes a lot of difference if you want to guide yourself through therapy like this without more guidance to rely on.
As a bonus I would like to share with you a track [Genre IDM? Electronica] I have been working on that reflects my positive outlook on things. It's far from done yet but I hope you will enjoy the positive sound of it.
Thats the main thing I wanna convey as a contribution to the report. http://soundcloud.com/solipsis/project-8-4-2-working-title
Tagged by bindingaffinity
substancecode_lsd
substancecode_lysergamides
explevel_veryexperienced
exptype_positive
exptype_lifechanging
roacode_sublingual
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