Mugz
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Apr 6, 2004
- Messages
- 15,449
There might be a few gaps in this account as I also had a hell of a lot of benzos too. Also my brain may have decided not to remember some things in too much detail. This account is of things as they happened to the best of my memory and from the perspective that I remember having at the time.
A couple of months ago me and my girlfriend decided to try some desoxypipradrol. We were convinced that we would be responsible with it. I even made a few posts in EADD saying how responsible I was going to be.
Suffice it to say, I wasn't in bed that night and didnt go to sleep. It was a long time before I went to sleep. It was nice and fun, enjoyable for the first 10 hours, then there was a redose and it was really good for the next 10 hours. I redosed again after that after about 8 hours but this time decided to add some 2ci. I really cannot remember too much about this period before the psychosis. Much of it was spent browsing the internet randomly researching totally unimportant things.
What was truly bewildering though was how little effect benzos seemed to have on desoxy. I was eating midazolams by the handfull and was not tired at all.
I remember before the psychosis me and my girlfriend both decided that we couldn't be trusted with desoxy and packaged it up ready to send to a friend. We also randomly decided that we would like to buy some knitting needles so that she could teach me how to knit. I found the phone number of a local wool shop and spoke to a woman who worked there, apparently the store was closing but she would let us buy some needles and wool from her house instead. I finished packing the desoxy for my friend then we set of in the car to the knitting shop and the DHL place.
There was lots of traffic on the roads because of the local football team having a home game so we decided that I would walk to the DHL place and my girlfriend would drive to the house of the woman with the wool. I got to the DHL place and realised that I was very anxious and couldn't look into anyones eye. But got the job done and came home.
I was home before my girlfriend and stupidly decided to lick the tray from the scales that the desoxypipradrol and 2ci had been weighed on and to lick up any remains of white powder that I saw on the scales. This was a big mistake.
I'm not sure when it was but at some time during the trip me and my girlfriend decided to watch the film Hackers, at the same time my computer got itself a virus, or I imagined it having a virus, I'm really not sure about it now.
My girlfriend went to sleep and I stayed up on my computer relentlessly trying to get the virus of my computer. I was in safe mode and was deleting a lot of random stuff. I came across a random txt file very similar to this one and was convinced that the file had been placed on my computer by someone that new that there were drugs in the flat and were threatening me via my own computer. I was seeing things that weren't there, like my own name, and my girlfriends name, and messages to me that were hidden in code, some diagonal. What I was really doing was just picking and choosing letters at random to fit the conspiracy theory that my psychotic mind had created.
I was terrified and went to wake my girlfriend up to tell her that we were in trouble. I ran into the bedroom and woke her up and I was in such a state, she thought that something really bad had happened, but then I showed her the file and all the things that I could see in the file that were scaring me and she was bemused and a bit angry. She spent a long long time trying to convince me that it was just a random file on my computer and nothing was going on at all. She managed to talk some sense into me and I wasn't as convinced about the theory, calmed down a bit but was still worried about the file.
There was a lot more playing around with my software and I was still convinced that I had been hacked by the authorities. I removed a load of files which messed up the OS, also convinced myself that there were real people going through my files in real time as I was sure that files were all being moved into locked folders that I couldn't access and were going to be uploaded to their databases. I thought that I had won when I managed to get into the system restore and had the computer all set up to reinstall the OS. I mentioned that I had fixed it but would lose all my file to my girlfriend who to be honest was getting a bit tired of my shenanigans and she said something like "if you really want it secure then you might aswell remove the hard disk" So as you can probably guess this led to me unscrewing the bottom of the netbook and attempting to remove the un-removable hard drive, Managed to get it out in the end but destroyed the computer as the hard drive was really not designed to be removed and I damaged the connectors in the process.
Not really sure what happened for the next 12 hours or so, but I do know that it wasn't too long before we both decided to try and sleep again, I swallowed about 6 15mg midazolams.
Not long after that my girlfriend took some gbl to sleep. A bit later she was almost passing out from the gbl and I asked her how much she had taken and she said "a lot" I asked a few more times and got a similar response, I really wanted to know how much she had taken as I was worried that she had taken an overdose. This thought was totally unfounded, something that my psychotic mind had conjoured up. Eventually she did pass out and I was really worried because I knew that I would be likely to fall asleep soon after the benzos. I didn't know what to do so I called an ambulance. This was a bad decision with the state that we were both in.
The paramedics arrived and did something to wake her up, then they gave her a shot of something when she passed out again. They were being a bit rough and I had a bit of a go. They said that it had to be done to keep her awake and that that was the priority, they got lairy at me and said "do you want to keep her awake then, she could die" I replied with some sense for once and said something like "Yes, she will be fine now, she will rebound after a few hours and be wide awake, it happens all the time" Then I told them to leave and we would be fine, but they refused and said that they were taking control of her situation as I am not related, and they took her to the hospital. I of course jumped into the ambulance with her and went along to the hospital too. No chance of sleep for me.
After they had woke her up at the hospital and "stabilised" her I went and sat with her and talked to her. I told her that I was sorry and I was beginning to realise that I was very stupid calling an ambulance but I felt like I had no other choice at the time. She was still really groggy and upset about the whole thing. I went to get some water and was getting more and more paranoid about the paramedics that brought her to the hospital, also getting paranoid about the police too. I was convinced that the paramedics had seen the drugs in the flat and were either going to talk to us about it or go straight to the police. I thought that I overheard them talking with each other and the doctors about this too. I took the water back to my girlfriend and then talked for a bit. She got angry at me for bringing her to the hospital and told me to leave her alone. She was obviously just upset but I interpreted this as her knowing that the police were going to go to our flat and raid it so I should go home now and get there before them to hide the evidence. So I left her at the hospital with no keys, money or even shoes
Another massively bad decision.
I had only been living in the city for a few months and didn't really know my way around all that well, only had a few places of reference. I decided to get on a random bus hoping that I would see somewhere that I recognised. I didn't really recognise anywhere by the time the bus stop so I decided to get off anyway. I walked for quite a way after the bus and found myself in the town centre so I thought that I should be able to find my way home. While I was walking I was convinced that the police were tracking me, that there were people that were informing the police where I was going. I kept seeing the same people over and over again and the same vehicles over and over again, so I was pretty certain that those people had been dispatched to follow me home as they didn't know where I lived. I didn't even consider that they must know where I live as the ambulance was there earlier.
I was getting more and more nervous on the way home and was totally convinced that I had been followed, I even saw police radios attached to peoples hips and heard people reporting where I was on their radios. It was all very scary. I was baffled as to why they didn't just approach me and take me in. I thought that they must want me to turn myself in. I considering just running away straight away but carried on home. There were a group of people on bicycles that I kept seeing so I was sure that they were all tracking me too. There was a short period of time when I thought I had escaped everyone and a lorry stopped and offered me a lift, he was going the wrong way though so I declined the lift. God knows what would have happened if I had gotten in the lorry with the driver.
In a few minutes I made it home, I thought that the police would be following me inside the flat very quickly so I left the door open for them. I rushed to find the heroin that was in the house and flushed it down the toilet, I then realised that the benzos were in open view so put them in the washing machine, not really sure what my thought process was there. Then I put some trousers on on top of my pyjama bottoms and put a jacket on too. I decided that I should probably take some keys to my girlfriend at the hospital and leave her because I cause too much pain.
It was a long walk back to the hospital, not long from the flat there is a bridge that goes over the train tracks. I stood on the bridge for quite a while looking at the tracks considering jumping in front of a train. I really couldn't bear the thought of being in prison, I knew that I wouldn't make it inside. I started to write a text message to tell my girlfriend why I had killed myself. I didn't finish the message though as I didn't really know what to write. A train started coming towards the bridge and I climbed onto the wall and prepared myself to jump in front of the train. I let the train go past though and didn't jump. I climbed back onto the pavement and carried on walking.
Somewhere and somehow on my way back the reasons for the police being after me changed dramatically. It was nothing to do with the drugs anymore. I had fabricated a crazy reason, it was that my girlfriend had told the police that I had been beating her and that was why she was in hospital. I walked and walked and got the same psychotic hallucinations that I was getting earlier, the people following me, the police radios. I got on the bus when I saw the front of the bus said it was going to the hospital. While on the bus I came to the conclusion that the plan was to get me to the hospital so that they could sneakily get me to go to some police organised group woman beater therapy, I thought that I knew exactly what was going to happen and that if I didn't attend I would be shipped off to jail. I thought that there were a couple of girls on the bus that were looking at my disaprovingly and I said to them out loud "I didn't do anything" They looked at me as if I was a nutter then carried on with their chatter. All I wanted to do was give my girlfriend my keys. When I arrived at the hospital I went to the emergency department and asked if my girlfriend was still thre so I could give her the keys. The receptionist told me that she had been discharged, information which actually turned out to be false. Nevertheless I left the hospital and started to make my way back home again. On leaving the hospital I thought that I had managed to sneak past the guards and other authority figures that wanted me to go to this police organised group session. I thought that I was on the run now. My main aim was still to get back home though.
I didn't get on any buses this time and tried to walk home as quick as possible. The walk this time was filled with even more anxiety and pyschosis. I saw the same people over and over again, tracking me once more. There were much more of them this time though. I saw one of them looking at his phone while talking on the police radio so concluded that they must have a photo of me on their phones. There must have been a text message sent out to the entire city with my picture on and a reward for phoning in my whereabouts. It was so much worse now, the whole city was after me. Not all of them wanted to get me to the police though, there were a lot of people that wanted to take matters into their own hands. I ran away from a few people as I thought that I was going to get a beating or worse, be stabbed or hit with a car. I was even more on edge, I felt like I had to keep my eye open for anything out of the ordinary. I was beginning to think that it might be a better idea if I just turned myself in to the police. I wouldn't get killed by random strangers then that hated me for something that I didn't do.
I started walking towards the police station, as I passed some people that I knew were tracking me I said to them "It's ok, I'm going to the station now" They didn't respond. I finally go to the police station and saw some people getting paid at the front desk, I assumed that this must be their fee for tracking me today, they seemed pleased that I had taken so long to turn myself in as it meant that they got more money than usual. I went up to the front desk and said to the man "I know that people have been following me, they can stop now" He looked at me and asked "Who has been following you?" I replied with "All these people and pointed to the people that were behind me. He said "I don't know what you are talking about" I apologised and left the station very confused. That could have gone a whole lot worse. After I left the station I returned home, there were a lot less hallucinations on my way home, it wasn't all that far from the station though. I was still really worried about strangers attacking me though and ran quite a lot of the way. I was home in about 20 minutes.
When I was home I was considering packing up all my stuff and leaving before my girlfriend got back home. I didn't though, I stayed at home and took some more midazolam from the washing machine. I wasn't sure where my girlfriend was, I thought that maybe she had gone to work straight from the hospital. I went onto the other computer and turned on skype, I sent a message to my girlfriends skype even though she wasn't online telling her how much of a horrible day that I had.
My girlfriend arrived home a bit later, the hospital had paid for her to get a taxi home as I had left her with no money, shoes or keys, they had given her some hospital slippers too. She looked very upset and didn't really want to look at me, she did tell me to get some sleep. I took some alprazolam and lorazepam and went to get some sleep finally.
The next day was very hard. It was incredibly hard to come to terms with all that had happened, all that I had put my girlfriend though, and the fact that all my psychotic thoughts were not true. I don't really remember much of the next couple of days as I had taken a lot of benzos.
That was the worst drug experience of my life, the worst experience of any kind actually. It worries me a lot that when in psychosis even basic logic cannot get you out of it. That I had no idea that I was in psychosis at the time. I also worry that I have made myself more prone to psychosis because of that experience.
I will be staying away from all hard core stims from now on, never will I take desoxypipradrol again, will probably never take MDPV again either.
It has been a long time since this happened but it is still fresh in my mind as though it has only just happened. I wonder whether it will ever become just a blur in my memory.
Tagged by bindingaffinity
substancecode_desoxypipradrol
substancecode_stimulants
substancecode_2ci
substancecode_phenethylamines
substancecode_midazolam
substancecode_benzos
substancecode_gabaergics
_combo_
explevel_firsttime
exptype_negative
exptype_disaster
roacode_oral
A couple of months ago me and my girlfriend decided to try some desoxypipradrol. We were convinced that we would be responsible with it. I even made a few posts in EADD saying how responsible I was going to be.
Suffice it to say, I wasn't in bed that night and didnt go to sleep. It was a long time before I went to sleep. It was nice and fun, enjoyable for the first 10 hours, then there was a redose and it was really good for the next 10 hours. I redosed again after that after about 8 hours but this time decided to add some 2ci. I really cannot remember too much about this period before the psychosis. Much of it was spent browsing the internet randomly researching totally unimportant things.
What was truly bewildering though was how little effect benzos seemed to have on desoxy. I was eating midazolams by the handfull and was not tired at all.
I remember before the psychosis me and my girlfriend both decided that we couldn't be trusted with desoxy and packaged it up ready to send to a friend. We also randomly decided that we would like to buy some knitting needles so that she could teach me how to knit. I found the phone number of a local wool shop and spoke to a woman who worked there, apparently the store was closing but she would let us buy some needles and wool from her house instead. I finished packing the desoxy for my friend then we set of in the car to the knitting shop and the DHL place.
There was lots of traffic on the roads because of the local football team having a home game so we decided that I would walk to the DHL place and my girlfriend would drive to the house of the woman with the wool. I got to the DHL place and realised that I was very anxious and couldn't look into anyones eye. But got the job done and came home.
I was home before my girlfriend and stupidly decided to lick the tray from the scales that the desoxypipradrol and 2ci had been weighed on and to lick up any remains of white powder that I saw on the scales. This was a big mistake.
I'm not sure when it was but at some time during the trip me and my girlfriend decided to watch the film Hackers, at the same time my computer got itself a virus, or I imagined it having a virus, I'm really not sure about it now.
My girlfriend went to sleep and I stayed up on my computer relentlessly trying to get the virus of my computer. I was in safe mode and was deleting a lot of random stuff. I came across a random txt file very similar to this one and was convinced that the file had been placed on my computer by someone that new that there were drugs in the flat and were threatening me via my own computer. I was seeing things that weren't there, like my own name, and my girlfriends name, and messages to me that were hidden in code, some diagonal. What I was really doing was just picking and choosing letters at random to fit the conspiracy theory that my psychotic mind had created.
I was terrified and went to wake my girlfriend up to tell her that we were in trouble. I ran into the bedroom and woke her up and I was in such a state, she thought that something really bad had happened, but then I showed her the file and all the things that I could see in the file that were scaring me and she was bemused and a bit angry. She spent a long long time trying to convince me that it was just a random file on my computer and nothing was going on at all. She managed to talk some sense into me and I wasn't as convinced about the theory, calmed down a bit but was still worried about the file.
There was a lot more playing around with my software and I was still convinced that I had been hacked by the authorities. I removed a load of files which messed up the OS, also convinced myself that there were real people going through my files in real time as I was sure that files were all being moved into locked folders that I couldn't access and were going to be uploaded to their databases. I thought that I had won when I managed to get into the system restore and had the computer all set up to reinstall the OS. I mentioned that I had fixed it but would lose all my file to my girlfriend who to be honest was getting a bit tired of my shenanigans and she said something like "if you really want it secure then you might aswell remove the hard disk" So as you can probably guess this led to me unscrewing the bottom of the netbook and attempting to remove the un-removable hard drive, Managed to get it out in the end but destroyed the computer as the hard drive was really not designed to be removed and I damaged the connectors in the process.
Not really sure what happened for the next 12 hours or so, but I do know that it wasn't too long before we both decided to try and sleep again, I swallowed about 6 15mg midazolams.
Not long after that my girlfriend took some gbl to sleep. A bit later she was almost passing out from the gbl and I asked her how much she had taken and she said "a lot" I asked a few more times and got a similar response, I really wanted to know how much she had taken as I was worried that she had taken an overdose. This thought was totally unfounded, something that my psychotic mind had conjoured up. Eventually she did pass out and I was really worried because I knew that I would be likely to fall asleep soon after the benzos. I didn't know what to do so I called an ambulance. This was a bad decision with the state that we were both in.
The paramedics arrived and did something to wake her up, then they gave her a shot of something when she passed out again. They were being a bit rough and I had a bit of a go. They said that it had to be done to keep her awake and that that was the priority, they got lairy at me and said "do you want to keep her awake then, she could die" I replied with some sense for once and said something like "Yes, she will be fine now, she will rebound after a few hours and be wide awake, it happens all the time" Then I told them to leave and we would be fine, but they refused and said that they were taking control of her situation as I am not related, and they took her to the hospital. I of course jumped into the ambulance with her and went along to the hospital too. No chance of sleep for me.
After they had woke her up at the hospital and "stabilised" her I went and sat with her and talked to her. I told her that I was sorry and I was beginning to realise that I was very stupid calling an ambulance but I felt like I had no other choice at the time. She was still really groggy and upset about the whole thing. I went to get some water and was getting more and more paranoid about the paramedics that brought her to the hospital, also getting paranoid about the police too. I was convinced that the paramedics had seen the drugs in the flat and were either going to talk to us about it or go straight to the police. I thought that I overheard them talking with each other and the doctors about this too. I took the water back to my girlfriend and then talked for a bit. She got angry at me for bringing her to the hospital and told me to leave her alone. She was obviously just upset but I interpreted this as her knowing that the police were going to go to our flat and raid it so I should go home now and get there before them to hide the evidence. So I left her at the hospital with no keys, money or even shoes
Another massively bad decision.I had only been living in the city for a few months and didn't really know my way around all that well, only had a few places of reference. I decided to get on a random bus hoping that I would see somewhere that I recognised. I didn't really recognise anywhere by the time the bus stop so I decided to get off anyway. I walked for quite a way after the bus and found myself in the town centre so I thought that I should be able to find my way home. While I was walking I was convinced that the police were tracking me, that there were people that were informing the police where I was going. I kept seeing the same people over and over again and the same vehicles over and over again, so I was pretty certain that those people had been dispatched to follow me home as they didn't know where I lived. I didn't even consider that they must know where I live as the ambulance was there earlier.
I was getting more and more nervous on the way home and was totally convinced that I had been followed, I even saw police radios attached to peoples hips and heard people reporting where I was on their radios. It was all very scary. I was baffled as to why they didn't just approach me and take me in. I thought that they must want me to turn myself in. I considering just running away straight away but carried on home. There were a group of people on bicycles that I kept seeing so I was sure that they were all tracking me too. There was a short period of time when I thought I had escaped everyone and a lorry stopped and offered me a lift, he was going the wrong way though so I declined the lift. God knows what would have happened if I had gotten in the lorry with the driver.
In a few minutes I made it home, I thought that the police would be following me inside the flat very quickly so I left the door open for them. I rushed to find the heroin that was in the house and flushed it down the toilet, I then realised that the benzos were in open view so put them in the washing machine, not really sure what my thought process was there. Then I put some trousers on on top of my pyjama bottoms and put a jacket on too. I decided that I should probably take some keys to my girlfriend at the hospital and leave her because I cause too much pain.
It was a long walk back to the hospital, not long from the flat there is a bridge that goes over the train tracks. I stood on the bridge for quite a while looking at the tracks considering jumping in front of a train. I really couldn't bear the thought of being in prison, I knew that I wouldn't make it inside. I started to write a text message to tell my girlfriend why I had killed myself. I didn't finish the message though as I didn't really know what to write. A train started coming towards the bridge and I climbed onto the wall and prepared myself to jump in front of the train. I let the train go past though and didn't jump. I climbed back onto the pavement and carried on walking.
Somewhere and somehow on my way back the reasons for the police being after me changed dramatically. It was nothing to do with the drugs anymore. I had fabricated a crazy reason, it was that my girlfriend had told the police that I had been beating her and that was why she was in hospital. I walked and walked and got the same psychotic hallucinations that I was getting earlier, the people following me, the police radios. I got on the bus when I saw the front of the bus said it was going to the hospital. While on the bus I came to the conclusion that the plan was to get me to the hospital so that they could sneakily get me to go to some police organised group woman beater therapy, I thought that I knew exactly what was going to happen and that if I didn't attend I would be shipped off to jail. I thought that there were a couple of girls on the bus that were looking at my disaprovingly and I said to them out loud "I didn't do anything" They looked at me as if I was a nutter then carried on with their chatter. All I wanted to do was give my girlfriend my keys. When I arrived at the hospital I went to the emergency department and asked if my girlfriend was still thre so I could give her the keys. The receptionist told me that she had been discharged, information which actually turned out to be false. Nevertheless I left the hospital and started to make my way back home again. On leaving the hospital I thought that I had managed to sneak past the guards and other authority figures that wanted me to go to this police organised group session. I thought that I was on the run now. My main aim was still to get back home though.
I didn't get on any buses this time and tried to walk home as quick as possible. The walk this time was filled with even more anxiety and pyschosis. I saw the same people over and over again, tracking me once more. There were much more of them this time though. I saw one of them looking at his phone while talking on the police radio so concluded that they must have a photo of me on their phones. There must have been a text message sent out to the entire city with my picture on and a reward for phoning in my whereabouts. It was so much worse now, the whole city was after me. Not all of them wanted to get me to the police though, there were a lot of people that wanted to take matters into their own hands. I ran away from a few people as I thought that I was going to get a beating or worse, be stabbed or hit with a car. I was even more on edge, I felt like I had to keep my eye open for anything out of the ordinary. I was beginning to think that it might be a better idea if I just turned myself in to the police. I wouldn't get killed by random strangers then that hated me for something that I didn't do.
I started walking towards the police station, as I passed some people that I knew were tracking me I said to them "It's ok, I'm going to the station now" They didn't respond. I finally go to the police station and saw some people getting paid at the front desk, I assumed that this must be their fee for tracking me today, they seemed pleased that I had taken so long to turn myself in as it meant that they got more money than usual. I went up to the front desk and said to the man "I know that people have been following me, they can stop now" He looked at me and asked "Who has been following you?" I replied with "All these people and pointed to the people that were behind me. He said "I don't know what you are talking about" I apologised and left the station very confused. That could have gone a whole lot worse. After I left the station I returned home, there were a lot less hallucinations on my way home, it wasn't all that far from the station though. I was still really worried about strangers attacking me though and ran quite a lot of the way. I was home in about 20 minutes.
When I was home I was considering packing up all my stuff and leaving before my girlfriend got back home. I didn't though, I stayed at home and took some more midazolam from the washing machine. I wasn't sure where my girlfriend was, I thought that maybe she had gone to work straight from the hospital. I went onto the other computer and turned on skype, I sent a message to my girlfriends skype even though she wasn't online telling her how much of a horrible day that I had.
My girlfriend arrived home a bit later, the hospital had paid for her to get a taxi home as I had left her with no money, shoes or keys, they had given her some hospital slippers too. She looked very upset and didn't really want to look at me, she did tell me to get some sleep. I took some alprazolam and lorazepam and went to get some sleep finally.
The next day was very hard. It was incredibly hard to come to terms with all that had happened, all that I had put my girlfriend though, and the fact that all my psychotic thoughts were not true. I don't really remember much of the next couple of days as I had taken a lot of benzos.
That was the worst drug experience of my life, the worst experience of any kind actually. It worries me a lot that when in psychosis even basic logic cannot get you out of it. That I had no idea that I was in psychosis at the time. I also worry that I have made myself more prone to psychosis because of that experience.
I will be staying away from all hard core stims from now on, never will I take desoxypipradrol again, will probably never take MDPV again either.
It has been a long time since this happened but it is still fresh in my mind as though it has only just happened. I wonder whether it will ever become just a blur in my memory.
Tagged by bindingaffinity
substancecode_desoxypipradrol
substancecode_stimulants
substancecode_2ci
substancecode_phenethylamines
substancecode_midazolam
substancecode_benzos
substancecode_gabaergics
_combo_
explevel_firsttime
exptype_negative
exptype_disaster
roacode_oral
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