I came across this thread after battling with myself mentally for a long period of time due to my constant use on nitrous over the past year. And my desire to try and discover futher what is going through my mind whilst tripping. I have experienced trips unimaginable which not a lot of my friends cannot relate to when I try to explain, some of them have even laughed at me when I've told them some of my experiences and I feel they do not believe me. Or my facination with nitrous.
I have tried many different breathing techniques and other psychs with nitrous, usually doing them after I have been out and have taken ecstasy or ketamine is when I have experienced my most vivid and sometimes too often scary, petrifying trips. I see too many people inhaling and exhaling quickly, almost hyperventilating themselves, just achieving a head rush feeling or similar to that of poppers. This is how I started and quickly realised there is a far more effective way of taking nitrous which has become extremely addictive.
over the past year whenever I'm in a relaxed environment, usually with some techno music. I have been having trips that I can only describe as a battle with my conscience or some higher power giving me warnings to stop. It started off funny, like these shadows or entity's would make me jump resulting in me exhaling the balloon and loosing the trip. Very frustrating, so I would hit another, and another and this would repeat over and over, different everytime. And this stage I could tell myself that I'm just tripping as it felt almost dream like. Then things got more and more real, with people in the room all being involved, coincidence or not I hope some of you can relate, but the things that would unravel in front of me clear as day would make me feel that I'm living the trip, the trip was my life and whoever or whatever higher power exists would control everyone else to be involved in making that trip happen. Hard to explain however.
I feel like everytime I do a balloon I shouldn't be doing them which is why I keep getting warnings, is something telling me off because I'm discovering something deeper that I shouldn't be? sometimes I will feel like I've litterally figured out the meaning of life, the universe and everything. Although as the vivid clarity of my vision which is so bright whilst tripping compared to that of reality and often with colourful symbols constantly flashing in my eyes, a symbol that looks the same everytime I just can't ever recreate it when not tripping, has anyone experienced this symbol, I thought it was similar to that of the flower of life, although I'm unsure. Purple/Yellow. It's not until it fades away and my vision retuns to normal I realise I'm back out of the trip, and everything that I have just discovered is now just confusion. What just happened?
It was last year the trips started to effect my perception of nitrous and my fascination to discover is there more to this. I was in Ibiza and had been taking ecstasy all night. I got back to our apartment and did a balloon. Wow! These are incredible, clear as day everyone in the room multiplied, time was relapsing itself. I watched my friend repeat his movements about 4 times as if I had rewound and repeated him. The trips were getting harder and harder til eventually. Bright light, my eyes are open but all I can see is a extremely bright light. Am I dead? What's happened everything is dead silent, the 8 people that are in the room do now not excist, I cannot hear anything. Then I hear my elderly grandmothers voice, or what I think it is, she's taking to me, this is very odd I feel like she's sat there on the bed with me. I don't want her to see me like this, off my face on ecstasy, I feel like I'm having a long conversation with her. I come out of the trip and have the most horrible feeling, I'm almost sick. I think to myself why would she be there, I become upset inside and worried for the worst. Why I don't know but something just tells me that something bad has happened.
I flew home the next morning to find out that she had past away that night. But I already knew.
Ive had I few other mind boggling trips throughout the year whilst on nitrous that have really made me question is there something more to this. Every balloon that I do get scarier and scarier, I feel sometimes I'm just riding the trip and there's no escaping. I was back in Ibiza again in October. This time with my younger brother. We had been on ketamine whilst at the club. Went back to our hotel. Inhaled a balloon, the vibration feeling which I often get, With symbols starting happening, I then keep thinking about my heart, I can feel it beating very hard. I question myself, how bad are these for my health, I once heard about someone who had an anurism whilst inhaling nitrous resulting in her having a heart attack. It's all I kept thinking about, every balloon trip following was to do with my heart, one time the red balloon actually looked like a heart pumping. Scared the shit out of me, so I decided to close my eyes these trips were becoming to vivid. So I do another, this time I feel a detatchement. I'm having an outer body experience I panic and open my eyes, I'm looking down at myself in the room. Watching myself having a heart attack. It's terrifying to watch. I want to get out but the trip doesn't end. I'm watching my brother try to revive me. The most Horrible feeling comes over me again, is this it, have I died? I then get out of the trip to my amazement after a roller coaster of emotions I feel relieved that I'm alive. I experienced the emotion of excepting death, seeing my loved ones loose me. I feel like I experienced this as a gift and a final warning to wake up. Stop doing them. I told myself thats it. No more I'm done.
Moments later my brother did a balloon, dropped it on the floor and he went pale faced, as if he had seen a ghost. That's it he said no more I'm done. I begged him to tell me what he had seen but he didn't want to tell me. he got upset then told me I just watched you die. Now I'm scared.
I didn't touch another psyc or nitrous ballon for almost 3 months. Then NYE I went to a big rave in London. I was worried all night about taking drugs, until eventually after a few drinks I told myself to stop being so paranoid and dropped a E. The night got out of hand and I conifinued until the following morning at an afterparty, we had been mixing too many substances. Md, Ket, cocaine, silly looking back. I got home and was laying in bed when I started getting chest pains, managed to just make it upstairs to wake up my brother before I blacked out. I could hear my brother and my mums voices, who has been unaware I have ever touched drugs up until this point. but their voices are disappearing into the distance. It felt like this time it is definitely the end. Why didn't I listen to the warnings when I was given the chance. I wake up in an ambulance with an ECG rigged up to my chest after just suffering a minor heart attack.
How many chances do I want. The feeling of warnings I've been getting whilst on nitrous are probably as real as they seem but I'm to stubborn to believe it. I keep telling myself it's just my subconcious and probably some deep seated guilt about taking drugs perhaps causing me to constantly create these trips which are relatable to what it is I'm thinking about before hand. Whatever it is though fascinates me so much and I continue to have the urge to face my fears and inhale nitrous through these balloons. Box after box.
Until last week, I had the worst trip yet. I was in a hotel room after a festival. Everything was fantastic everyone was in a great mood. Good vibes all round . First few balloons were brilliant. Can't remember what happened but I felt great, mentally and physically during the trip. Then the next trip went from one extreme to the other. No more feeling of enlightenment. This time things turned dark, I instantly felt completely alone. Latin writing and symbols that I'm unfamiliar with apear on the ceiling, not the usual symbols that feel good if that makes sense. These feel sinister and evil, a symbol appears that I can't help but stare at, something's telling me not to look but I can't help it. I'm pulled in and I feel like I'm falling downwards into hell. I genuinely feel like I've just sold my soul to satan. I have another out of body experience, I'm watching myself on some kind of sacrificial satanic bed. I also have a strange feeling of de ja vu, although I have definitely not tripped this I would have remembered its petrifying. I suddenly feel like I'm dropped back onto the bed. And I'm back in the room. Everyone in the room is looking at me and burst into laughter. "What are you doing" "you always spaz out" on balloons think you should stop. I don't want to tell them but I feel like I've just been possessed. I'm worried, what happens if I am. Horrible thoughts cross my mind. I look at my self in the mirror, my eyes are drawn to the necklace I'm wearing, I've never really paid attention to the pendant, it was one I bought on holiday because I thought it just looked cool. It now looks more familiar than ever, wait is this one of the evil symbols that I've just seen. So I google satanic symbols on my phone. There it is.... Subconcious observation and coincidence the root to these trips? Or is there a darker side to nitrous and other dimensions we discover whilst tripping? Has anyone else experienced anything similar or am I just weird. Or possessed.
I always forget I have nitrous around when I trip