Captain Relapse
Greenlighter
- Joined
- Apr 6, 2017
- Messages
- 14
Fellow Bluelighters,
I've posted a few times but had no great responses, really hoping for this thread to catch on...
I'm have been clean (H,C & Rock) for over three years, was a tough road but I made it out on top, for that I'm greatful.
Since I moved to a new Country (well Continent really) for work, I started becoming incredibly anxious due to high work load and oressure to the stage where I couldn't even speak to my colleagues or look anyone in the eye. I started taking days off, getting palpitations and decided after 10 months that enough is enough (I had a really bad panick attack at work).
I went voluntarily to ER where they made me wait for a psychiatrist after finding out my symptoms.
Anyway I lwft with 2mg Lorazepam and the next day collected my one week script. I started weekly counselling and continued the Lorazepam for a few weeks. The health service was great but waiting was so long, so I went to a private psych hospital where I spoke with an Egyptian doctor who was 100% not informed on benzos... I left with 40 5mg valiuns and was told to come back in two weeks.
Between then the other doctor had orescyme 4mg clonopin daily, and when I went back to the private doc she simply slapped a prescyon the table for 60 0.5mg xanax.
Fast forward...
I realised that I had a problem a couple of months ago and we began a taper, it was going well...
It spiralled (I should have known better, I've been in rehab and detoxes more times than I can remember), now I'm taking maybe 2mg clonazepam in the morning (with my ritalin/concerta), then maybe 1-2mg around lunch time.
Get home, sniff 10-20mg ritalin which helps ke play guitar so much better... Then just before I crash I take a combo of anywhere between 2-4mg clonopin, 2-4mg xanax and previously (as I no linger have them) 20-30mg valium.
This has been almost daily for 3 months now. Last night after my rits I took 12mg bromazepam and 2-3mg clonazepam.
At the weekends there have been a few times where I have done maybe 20 0.5mg xanax and maybe around 8-12mg clonazepam.
I have a problem, I know I cannot do this but I keep taking them.
The ritalin crash makes it worse because of a) the comedown and b) I don't know if I'm starting to WD or if I'm just crashing. Either way I just take more benzos. (PS I actually nees the ritalin/concerta for genuine ADD, the snorting cannot be justified).
Guys, addicts, those who know where I am and the place I am in. Please advise me, and not with @take less man", it doesn't work. I need your advice.
I achieved so much and am scared and ashamed of what I have become.
To summarise, there have been days where I took no benzos or maybe like 0.5mg clonazepam. Most days its between 2-3mg clonazepam and either 1-3mg xanax or 20-30 valium (12-16 bromazepam) for the past say 2 months steady.
Awaiting your advice and hoping for understanding and comfort, I don't think i can take negative commenta even though they sre deserved...
I just want someone to understand and help. I am alone here and have no friends and no one to open up to.
Sorry about the long post, I just needed this off my cheat.
Thank you in advance.
Stay safe
I've posted a few times but had no great responses, really hoping for this thread to catch on...
I'm have been clean (H,C & Rock) for over three years, was a tough road but I made it out on top, for that I'm greatful.
Since I moved to a new Country (well Continent really) for work, I started becoming incredibly anxious due to high work load and oressure to the stage where I couldn't even speak to my colleagues or look anyone in the eye. I started taking days off, getting palpitations and decided after 10 months that enough is enough (I had a really bad panick attack at work).
I went voluntarily to ER where they made me wait for a psychiatrist after finding out my symptoms.
Anyway I lwft with 2mg Lorazepam and the next day collected my one week script. I started weekly counselling and continued the Lorazepam for a few weeks. The health service was great but waiting was so long, so I went to a private psych hospital where I spoke with an Egyptian doctor who was 100% not informed on benzos... I left with 40 5mg valiuns and was told to come back in two weeks.
Between then the other doctor had orescyme 4mg clonopin daily, and when I went back to the private doc she simply slapped a prescyon the table for 60 0.5mg xanax.
Fast forward...
I realised that I had a problem a couple of months ago and we began a taper, it was going well...
It spiralled (I should have known better, I've been in rehab and detoxes more times than I can remember), now I'm taking maybe 2mg clonazepam in the morning (with my ritalin/concerta), then maybe 1-2mg around lunch time.
Get home, sniff 10-20mg ritalin which helps ke play guitar so much better... Then just before I crash I take a combo of anywhere between 2-4mg clonopin, 2-4mg xanax and previously (as I no linger have them) 20-30mg valium.
This has been almost daily for 3 months now. Last night after my rits I took 12mg bromazepam and 2-3mg clonazepam.
At the weekends there have been a few times where I have done maybe 20 0.5mg xanax and maybe around 8-12mg clonazepam.
I have a problem, I know I cannot do this but I keep taking them.
The ritalin crash makes it worse because of a) the comedown and b) I don't know if I'm starting to WD or if I'm just crashing. Either way I just take more benzos. (PS I actually nees the ritalin/concerta for genuine ADD, the snorting cannot be justified).
Guys, addicts, those who know where I am and the place I am in. Please advise me, and not with @take less man", it doesn't work. I need your advice.
I achieved so much and am scared and ashamed of what I have become.
To summarise, there have been days where I took no benzos or maybe like 0.5mg clonazepam. Most days its between 2-3mg clonazepam and either 1-3mg xanax or 20-30 valium (12-16 bromazepam) for the past say 2 months steady.
Awaiting your advice and hoping for understanding and comfort, I don't think i can take negative commenta even though they sre deserved...
I just want someone to understand and help. I am alone here and have no friends and no one to open up to.
Sorry about the long post, I just needed this off my cheat.
Thank you in advance.
Stay safe