Drugs And Parents [MEGA-MERGED]

I'm sorry, but I just HAD to post this, this is toooo funny!
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Ask the Experts
I have caught my 16 year-old son and a couple of his friends smoking pot in our house. I acknowledged that I knew what they were doing, but because I was so mad, I said I would deal with it later. Just how do I deal with this? What kind of punishment should he receive?
"One swallow does not a summer make."
One caveat about punishment, it is most effective when a positive affective bond exists between the parent and child. Thus, it is important as a parent to balance being hard and soft. That is, parents must consistently enforce all rules and consequences but also build in opportunities to promote positive interactions with your child (e.g., praise).
If a positive affective bond exists between you and your child, you might find several strategies helpful:
First, as suggested in "The Anti-Drug" ad campaign, be very specific and clear with your son that you do not want him to use drugs or associate with peers who use drugs.
Second, punish your son's association with these drug-using peers by taking away his privileges contingently (examples can be found below) and positively reward association with prosocial peers (i.e., access to privileges).
Third, contact the parents of his friends and let them know that you found your son and his friends (their son) smoking pot in your house and as punishment you are limiting your son's contact with their son (a minimum of one week, however, if you catch them again you may have to mandate no contact at all). Association with drug using peers is the number one predictor of adolescent drug use.
Contacting the parents of your son's friends can be helpful in several ways: (1) it sends a clear message to your son's friends and their parents that you are serious about your son not using drugs, (2) it often leads to parents punishing their children, (3) it provides a useful model for other parents on what "to do" if they were in a similar bind, (4) it elicits help from others in keeping an eye on your son (it does "Take a Village to Raise a Child"), and (5) it may serve to embarrass your son, which is a powerful motivator for most adolescents.
A third strategy is to take away privileges such as the use of the telephone, T.V., or video games for some period of time (several days to a week). Other privileges that you can take include: listening to the stereo, dating or going to the movies, having friends over, etc. One privilege that most parents do not use that can be a powerful reinforcer is access to brand name clothing. One consequence that we have used is to take a youth's "Brand name" clothing (e.g., Nike, Tommy Hilfiger, FUBU, etc.) and replace them with bland "no name" clothing contingent upon repeated dirty urine screens.
Fourth, if the affective bond is there, having your son earn your trust can be a very powerful tool to use. Earning your trust can include mandatory supervision by not allowing your son to be home alone without adult supervision (which may inconvenience him) and requiring an early curfew. However, as your son increases compliance with tasks (home, school) at least 75% of the time you can begin extending curfew and increasing the amount of time he is without "close" adult supervision (but you must continue to check on his whereabouts and peer associations).
Finally, make sure to pay attention to your son's efforts at good behavior and the things he does right. Because exclusive use of punishment has the untoward effect of undermining the affective bond (not to mention increased anger, resentment, and "sneakiness") you must set up opportunities to "catch your son being good."
Dr. Phillippe Cunningham has a Ph.D. in clinical psychology. He currently serves as an assistant professor at the Department of Psychiatry and Behavioral Sciences Medical University of South Carolina
http://www.theantidrug.com/advice/experts_past_pot.html
[ 05 February 2003: Message edited by: WussPunkSUX ]

I followed that link and read the "pas questions to experts" link at the bottom. People are complaining about stuff like "My Son Has Gotten Lazy" and worrying its drugs. Isn't becoming lazy what 99.999% of males do past the age of 14 anyway?

Funny because? You definitely don't have kids. Or maybe you think that your kids should be allowed to smoke pot.

Read some of his ideas. It's ridiculous. If my parents treated me like that back then I'd just laugh my head off. For example:
"One consequence that we have used is to take a youth's "Brand name" clothing (e.g., Nike, Tommy Hilfiger, FUBU, etc.) and replace them with bland "no name" clothing contingent upon repeated dirty urine screens."
This is just utterly idiotic.

All that would do is make me less woried about getting hot rocks and ash on my clothes...

While i conceed that this guy does have some ideas worth extending and thinking about (ie, strengthening the parent/child bond,) clearly what he is trying to do is generalise and tar all drug taking children with the same brush. This person assumes that these method will be effective because he assumes that all children are taking drugs for the same reason, when clearly that is not the case.
I for example, was never pressured into drug consumption, i started doing drugs because i wanted to - the idea of "taking a youth's "Brand name" clothing (e.g., Nike, Tommy Hilfiger, FUBU, etc.) and replace them with bland "no name" clothing contingent..." Not only would this not necessarily encourage a youth to not do drugs, but it would very likely encourage them to rebel further.
The quoted statement also makes sweeping assumptions about the type of person taking drugs, because there are a lot of youths out there who take drugs but do not care about brand name clothing and other such things.
To boot, if a child starts taking drugs because they are unhappy with their home/school life, is punishing them really going to encourage them to stop taking drugs? I doubt it very much... More compassion and understanding is needed - we need to go much further into the fabric of society to fix the problems that (as on website is quoted as saying) "drive our youth to drugs," rather trying to stick a band-aid over the situation.
just my $0.02...

what if the kid doesnt have any drug using freinds?
I know of a kid whos parents forced him to urine test. He just smoked no more than once a month, and drank lots of water and he never got busted.

A friend of mine who used to smoke weed from time to time got tested by his parents when they went through a phase of being hysterical about drugs.
He came up negative for weed and positive for speed, which he had NEVER used. Parents have the worst scientists
--- G.

If none of that works you could reprogram your children "A la" Clockwork Orange
Totalatarianism : the anti drug

To be fair, the basic ideas which the guy sets out seem very reasonable to me. I am not a parent, but a good number of my friends are, and I take a very keen interest in watching how they raise their children.
The basic idea is that children should be disciplined by a system of punishment and reward, and that is one I agree with. Of course, this is way off topic for this forum, so perhaps you are arguing that the parents have no right to stop their child from smoking pot?
Well, much as I'd love to agree with you, that no one individual has the right to tell another individual what they can or can not do, I'm afraid it would be totally different if it was your child. The parents have just found out that their child is taking drugs. And as far as they are concerned, drugs are drugs, and it's the start of the slippery slope downwards. I think they have every right to want to stop their child from doing this...

I think theyd be much smarter to educate him on moderation, safety etc. When kids become teenagers and they dont like what u say, theyll ignore it. Thats why just say no doesnt work, because no one like being told what to think : especially teenagers. I dont think kids should smoke pot, but i seriously doubt the above response would do any good, if not actually encourage the kid to do more drugs.

Wow, this got serous!! I was just poking some humor at the guy's means of disciplinary action (taking away brand name clothing! hehe), but I'm kind of glad it got serous.

Part of the problem with this mom, IMO, is that she didn't take immediate action. Especially if the kid was with his friends, she should have punished him there and then. First of all, it would stop his friends from coming over to smoke, and embaress him.
The most idiotic thing was the "Brand-Name Clothing" thing. Take it from someone who has found some AWESOME outfits at Wal-Mart(I mean, I've made some of the people who wear Hilfiger jealous.)
The best suggestion in there is to gain the kid's trust. I didn't start taking drugs to rebel against anything. My mother didn't mind if I did a small joint, IF I did it at home, with her supervision. But that was it. One joint. With her watching, making sure I didn't get hurt, or do something stupid.
If a parent has their child's trust, it's the most important thing. If a kid is upset at the parent for punishing them, then they're more likely to rebel, and do something stupid, like share a needle for a cheap high, rather than take things slowly, and learn about what a drug does. That's the purpose of a fourm like this.

my mom had the much better idea of simply encouraging the use of marijuana to replace harder drugs.
i definitely took her up on her proposition; although i sorta cheated her 'cause i did e and shrooms before pot.
actually, to be more serious... the loving relationship i have with my parents has always been supportive, and thus i've grown mature and responsible and i'm able to handle my own life decisions in a way that's given me all the opportunities a child could ever want to have. I'm at a university of california school w/ a 3.4 gpa, and i will go on to teach the highschool kids of california. drugs are just an added (and very beautiful) bonus to my life.

How many of you that replied to this post have children?
Reading your replies I already know the answer. NONE of you.
I have a fifteen year old daughter. She has a BOYFRIEND, This is kind of creepy in itself for me, but when I think about the boyfriends father, ugh, shutters.
Punish my daughter in front of her friends? I think not. Nothing my daughter will ever do deserves that kind of hell. These are her friends, I respect that and I would not put them or her in a postion like that.
It is also better to wait until you cool off and thing of what you want to say. That is something you learn with age and experience. Nothing is worse then saying things in anger and having to live with them for the rest of your life.
Taking away the designer lables was meant as an example. No kid is the same. We (parents) know this. You have to have an example to give.
With my daughter, it would be her CDs. She would freak without her music.
Don't take everything to the word. Sometimes things are written and you have to read yourself into it and that changes everything.
If you have a better solution, that doesn't include just telling your kid to just toke up, write your own fucking article! Hey, if you do, I hope you save it for when your own son or daughter comes of age! Then you can take your own advise.
Kids do not come with a manual, as a parent you are on your own and it is sink or swim.
Laugh now kids, laugh now.

I almost forgot Cosmic mist!
Most children past the age of 11 are pretty unhappy with their homelife.
If in fact the child has a homelife that is so bad, the parents won't be reading an article like this in the first place.
Teenagers are unhappy people. Should we not ever punish them? Are we expected to bow down to everything they do wrong because they are unsatisfied with life?
Hormones are an ugly thing. I would not be a teenager again for all the money in the world, but I am not going to let my children run wild because they are growing up and growing up sucks.

Hey melissa - i agree with what you're saying, a lot of teenager do find that their home life seems like "hell" and they hate their parents. Persnally, i lived through a situation that actually was like a living hell, but i never found the need to do drugs. The reason for this? I had a very strong relationship with my father, and while there was a definate sense of authority there iwhen it was needed, the relationship we shared was much more like that of a friend or sibling. My father is very anti drugs, but he has been there in his youth and mucked around with various chemicals. He's very open about it.
The reason that i did not turn to drugs during the lowest ebb in my life so far, when everything seemed too much, was due to this strong relationship. It's not something that you can suddenly decide to have when the child reaches puberty, it's something you need right from the very birth. And now, as i help to raise my younger brother, i am accutely aware of how parents worry. I do not blame them for worrying, but by the same stoke i wonder how removing something dear to a child will make the child want to behave better? Personally, it would make me become less well behaved, not more well behaved.
It is none of my business how other people raise their children, and far be it from me to say what is right or wrong in a situation where everything is clearly judged on a per case level. However it is my right to disagree with what this author is stating. When my time comes to become a parent, i will endevour to replicate with my children what my father and i have. A relationship of equality, control, and respect is worth far more to me than that of inflexible discipline and intolerant indoctrination of socially acceptable truths. I won't encourage my children to do drugs, but if i find that they are, i will do my bes tto be there for them and ensure their safety. With the correct role models uneccesary negativity will hopefully not be a prevalent part of the relationship...

i severely doubt id have even started smoking if i didnt know every1 would disapprove. I think thats a very powerful thing to a teenager.
My school punished me, and that pushed me further into drugs. If my parents had punished me as well i dont know if id be alive today. It all started as a just cry for help, a way out. U dont make life harder for people who already have hard lives. U listen, help, guide. Thats all any1 is saying here, really. Teenagers arent just biologically angry, they have real problems - peer pressure, peer cruelty, identity etc. They dont have the highest suicide rate for nothing. i really hope when ur kids are sucking up their pain, and closing up to the world, u dont just put it down to hormones.
There are many stories like mine here. Many many people who know that cranking out the rule book can definately be the worst thing u could do. They may not be parents nessasarily, but their drug users whove been teenagers - many who have struggled with addiction. I really dont think u cud find better people to ask about what the best thing to do is with children who try drugs- they know how they got there, they can tell you exactly how to avoid it. Just ask any1 here why they think the way they do, and ull get exactly this kind of answer.
Not throwing the book at them, isnt inaction. The real action comes from giving them the right ideas about moderation, about life, and about sharing their problems. And paying serious attention to their lives and feelings (even if they down play it all). And reward, u know its proven to work better than punishment. Thats not something u can put in a tiny black and white article, hell its probably not something u cud teach to other people. If kids were as simple as the above article makes out, we just wouldnt have a drug problem.
[ 09 February 2003: Message edited by: Cimora ]

(5) it may serve to embarrass your son, which is a powerful motivator for most adolescents.
If you catch your child using drugs, make them run through a shopping center naked the resulted trauma should be enough to keep them away from drugs.

^^^ that kind of trauma would probably serve to only make the child hate you. punishment w/out reason and fairness is completely useless, it doesn't get the child thinking more seriously about his actions, it only sends the message that you're "crazy".
(unless you were being sarcastic
[ 12 February 2003: Message edited by: DJAngrE ]