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27-10-2000, 00:07
I always said I would never take ecstasy, yet somehow it became my best friend. A best friend that eventually turned nasty and made me wish we had never met.
In mid 1998 I joined a new cult. The cult of E. I was totally certain that I was enlightened, as was every other ecstasy user. The unenlightened people could not possibly understand my bliss, but I wanted them to. I wanted to open their eyes to this new religion and make them understand and experience what I had felt. I had no problem preaching the cult of E to anybody that would listen and even felt sorry for people that had not tried it and had never experienced the magic and euphoria that had become a regular part of my life. I did not know that I was being seduced into the whole scene, a scene I said I would never be a part of, as it all happened slowly before it spiralled out of control.
The music took over first. I had some friends that were right into hard techno music. They also took ecstasy on a regular basis and I always told them that I was not interested in trying it. They helped open my ears to the music and I suppose altered the way my mind thought about drug use, but I blame them for nothing because I am responsible for my own actions. At the start I hated their music and found it annoying, until one day I really listened and I finally ‘understood’ what it was saying. I would play dance music for hours, every single day. Previously I was listening to heavy metal or ‘grunge’ bands as I could relate to the anger and dark attitude in the music. Dance music seemed a lot more positive and if there were any lyrics, they were was basically about love and freedom, and accepting one another, as opposed to aggression and frustration. I felt good when I listened to this music as it was uplifting and the vocals were usually about feeling happy. Wow! This was a major contrast to the angst ridden music I used to relate to and love. This music was designed to make me feel good and it did, without drugs for quite a while, but once I discovered how it could be enhanced with E there was absolutely no going back. Nothing compared to how I could feel with the blissful music, my soon to be new pal ecstasy and my wonderful friends. What a perfect combination.
I became so engrossed in this new religion for so long and nothing else mattered except the weekend, which was never long enough. I so looked forward to Friday nights after a stress filled week, and getting dressed and going out to dance was my therapy. Often I had ‘warm up’ parties with friends at my place before going out for a big night. We did not drink alcohol because it was totally unnecessary and it’s also an ‘evil’ drug. It could make people aggressive and nasty or as in my case, fall sleep. Who needed alcohol? It made me slow and clumsy, not articulate and co-ordinated like my ecstasy. Alcohol advertising was everywhere and it disgusted me. If only the drinkers took an E, then they would know what they have been missing and also realise what a waste of time alcohol really was. It did not expand the mind. It made people stupid. Why was ecstasy not legal like alcohol? This is something I could never understand.
Sometimes we took our pills before going out and other times we swallowed them on the dance floor. My friends and I often went out to dance for ten or more hours, until we were ready to collapse. This is what I had to look forward to each week, and look forward to it I did! Friday was always the best day of the week, because I knew what a wild night it would become. My workmates had no idea about my secret life, and I felt quite superior knowing that they could not imagine what I was into on the weekends or relate to who I was outside working hours. How could they understand? They all lived their boring suburban lives and whinged about it. They were pathetic, they were like sheep all living their mundane normal lives, but who cared about the rest of the world when I could feel so sensational. I felt so smug in the knowledge that I was one of the lucky ones that got to feel this way. I had seen the light and wanted to feel this fantastic all the time. Ecstasy was all I needed to survive. I thought that everybody on earth should just take a pill and smile. Then they would understand! All we needed was love.
My boyfriend Josh and I always made sure we knew about every dance party that was coming up. Not a weekend went by without us taking our ‘medicine’ and we looked forward to it every day, all the while telling each other that Ecstasy was not addictive like other drugs, and that we were not dependant on these magic little pills. They weren’t really hard drugs. It wasn’t like we were taking LSD, now was it? We scanned clubbing papers and magazines, always on the lookout for what was happening and which DJ was playing where, always ready and looking forward to our next big night and day. Always hoping that the next pills we had would be better than the last. All we talked about was E. Nothing else could be so interesting.
We were passionate about our pills. They were not hard to find either. If we had a problem buying them from somebody we knew, we simply asked a stranger at a club or dance party. Sometimes we bought them on the dance floor. Other times we scored in the toilets.
I often felt seedy doing this, but kept my eye on the bigger picture - getting a great pill!
All we had to do was ask. It was simple, just like buying milk and bread, but of course a lot more expensive. Every weekend we went on another ‘journey’. We did not want to miss any event or hear about if from somebody else. Nobody was going to stop us from going off on the weekend! In the beginning we only needed one pill to feel great, but after a while more were needed to obtain the same euphoric effect. Eventually, we never felt really good unless we’d had about three E’s, but that was Ok, because we felt so unreal. We weren’t like some other people who took five or eight pills in a night. Josh and I were intelligent and in control. Life was just too good.
We went to a huge dance party at Melbourne docks. It was Josh’s first big rave and my sixth, and I was so glad that he was sharing it with me, for I was the one that had opened his eyes to this new faith and thankfully he was now a believer, just like me. I knew he would love it once he tried it and then he would understand what I had been saying. How the music would take over, how the people danced as one, how it was so wonderfully tribal. Age, religion or the colour of your skin was irrelevant. Everybody was welcome and everybody belonged. I told him that this would be a night to remember. As we walked into the enormous shed hand in hand and waded through the sea of people, I felt so connected to everybody there and I knew I loved Josh. The music was hard and we could feel the beats vibrating right into our soul. The lights were spectacular and magical and everybody knew it. We had driven to the docks that night and the city buildings looked so beautiful on the way, just like a postcard of Melbourne in the evening. The lights were so soft and fuzzy. We were experiencing so much love for each other and the world, and both felt and looked great as the massive moving sea of people parted and opened up to let us in. The magic was back and there was nowhere I’d rather be. I was home again.
Josh and I were both smiling and feeling wonderful as we had taken our pills in the car on the way there. We were there to dance and feel the music and feel the love. Thousands of people were all experiencing the same thing and looking at us and beaming, moving like one giant organism. They glowed. They could all feel it. They were all there for the same reason.
To feel good, to feel united. They all moved to the beat. They all looked beautiful.
They all understood.
Who gave a shit about real life? Once those pills kicked in, there it was. The feeling was back! The music just washed over me like the purest warm liquid. It started somewhere in my stomach and spread right to my fingertips and out through the top of my head, making me gasp with exhilaration. My awesome friend was back again. A very welcome friend after a stressful week. A companion I could rely on. I always missed that magic feeling that made me forget my problems, and I knew it was never far away. Oh how I longed to feel this way all the time. Every weekend we took our precious E and waited in anticipation for that amazing feeling of love to envelope us once again. It was beautiful and amazing. It was orgasmic and it was my everything. Even better than sex. Ecstasy gave me so much energy, just like food and fuel for my soul. I never wanted my friend to leave me, could not imagine life without this bliss. There was no better place to be when the music was pumping hard, the lights were flashing and we were doing our thing on the dance floor or the podium.
Nothing else in this universe mattered! No other planet existed. Anything else was just bullshit! Who cared about work, bills, reality or the outside world? Not me because I was immortal! I was beautiful. I was one of the chosen ones. I danced hard as I looked around at the exquisite laser lighting, and the music was so good it hurt. Everybody else was gorgeous. They were all special people, just like me and Josh. Strangers often came up to us and told us how beautiful we looked together. They loved us. They loved me, adored me and I loved them, all the thousands of people in this room understood me. I could tell them anything and they could share their hopes, fears or pain with me. I could hug complete strangers and it felt wonderful. I could feel their joy, see it in their eyes, in their smiles. Nothing and nobody could touch me! I could dance forever. This is where I belonged. This was not a sleazy club full of drinkers or ugly people trying to ‘pick up’. The place was filled with beautiful, warm and loving people all there to feel the music and share the love.
I could go harder than anybody else in the room. We both did. We only stopped dancing if we needed to use the toilet, which was not very often because we were sweating buckets from dancing so fast. The music is my only reason for existence and everybody here feels the same way. Why can’t the whole world be like this? I wanted to dance forever.
Josh and I would reluctantly leave a club or rave around eight in the morning, but only because that’s usually when the lights came on. We only stopped when we were physically unable to do any more. Driving after a big night was always calming. Away from the loud music and screaming people, everything seemed so quiet and slow. Driving a car or just walking down the street was so very tranquil. The colours of trees seemed much more vibrant and the fresh wind always felt beautiful on the skin. Usually we would go on to a ‘day club’ or ‘recovery’ because we had to keep dancing. Our batteries had not run out and we didn’t want to go home. We never wanted to stop. We wanted our money’s worth! We’d made ‘friends’ with so many wonderful people and talked to each other honestly and openly, without inhibitions or barriers, without judging or being judged. If only the real world could be like that. We were only in the middle of our night when most people were going home. Our bones ached, our feet were sore and blistered, our heads were pounding from the constant abuse and we were chronically tired, but we wanted to feel that good feeling again. That awesome rush we craved. We wanted to keep dancing, to bond with the crowd, to feel fucking amazing! We would come home in the afternoon and try to sleep.
Coming back home was like jumping out of a plane with a faulty parachute and landing with an excruciatingly painful thud. Back to reality. The good feelings were no longer there, the loving feelings had disappeared. Where they really ever there? We were supposed to be bonding and sharing love which we did at the start, but in the end I just wanted to be alone. I told Josh not to talk to me. I just wanted to hear more music and feel it again, so I would sit for hours in front of the stereo, only because I could dance no more. The music still sounded good. I understood what it was saying. Josh would sit on the couch feeling unloved and alone while I felt the music. Reality would come creeping back and it was way too hard to handle. Everything was suddenly irritating. People made us paranoid. They were looking at us. They were saying nasty things. They were evil. They looked ugly. We no longer felt united. Sleeping was near impossible although our bodies and minds were crying out for some rest. We can’t turn the music off and even when we do, we can still hear it thumping in our heads. Eating is impossible and everything tastes like cardboard anyway. Even chewing food was painful after grinding our teeth for hours. Food tastes like crap and who wants to eat anyway?.
It’s all ugly and life is just too difficult to deal with. Everyone can just fuck off. Nobody understands a thing about me. Nobody knows anything. The whole world is evil. Reality sucks.
I often had bad comedowns and could not stop crying or shaking. I tried to avoid this and have a smoother fall by smoking dope. This just delayed reality. Once I lapsed into a four hour ‘coma’ but eventually woke up. Josh thought I had turned into a vegetable. This did not stop us from going out the following weekend. A friend of ours was admitted to hospital for taking too many E’s in one night. He was delusional and had no idea what was real and what was just a bad trip. We told him he should stop because he was out of control, not like us…. He’s still doing it but now takes on average five pills a week. During this time we started to hate the whole scene. We were not having such a great time, but could not stop doing it again and again . We felt trapped. It had become a bad habit.
Ecstasy had taken over. It was our God, our reason for existence. How could we survive without it? We were in so deep and there was no going back. We still went out every week but our original enthusiasm had disappeared. The smiles began to look like leers. People weren’t really that friendly or loving. They didn’t care about us. We tried to avoid talking to strangers. The ‘friends’ that ‘loved’ us were really tragic people that we did not want to know. We told each other it was shit only because we got the wrong pills. Next time we’ll take the green ones and it will be a great night. Our brains were crying out for a rest, but we didn’t listen. We would have a sleep in the evenings, so exhausted we could hardly walk without pain, and force ourselves to wake around 1.30am, then take a pill and go out again. Sometimes we had to go out to get rid of pills that we had bought but could not afford to keep. I told myself I did not have a problem because I knew what I was doing. I was a strong person. I was in control.
My house was being auctioned in a few weeks. This was too devastating too think about, so I blurred the pain with more pills. I blamed everybody else for my predicament. The whole world is to blame. I’d lived there for five years and was very happy and comfortable. I had no plans to sell, but I just let it happen. I was never late with a mortgage payment. I had just left my stressful job without another one to go to. How did I get to this point? Who cares that I had nowhere else to go? I told myself I didn’t care.
Reality was way too hard and besides, it was boring as hell. Who needed reality when we had such a wonderful fantasy life? The bills were all overdue but we didn’t care. We just ignored them. It would all be ok. Josh lost his job but that was Ok. I was about to lose my house, but that was Ok. Everything would be fine. We continued to party every weekend. We both looked like shit from lack of proper food and no sleep, but we thought we still looked beautiful. My once clear skin was covered in spots that would not go away. Some of my toenails had fallen off just from dancing for so long and so often. The first time it happened I was shocked. The second time it happened it did not concern me. I told people about it and laughed. I was eating one ‘meal’ a day because that’s all I could manage. I had to run to the toilet even after eating half a sandwich, which was usually what I had for lunch. Hunger pangs were a distant memory. Most people don’t realise that ecstasy can give you an eating disorder, among other things. People told me I was getting too thin, but I didn’t listen. They did not say I looked good, they asked if I had been ill or under a lot of stress. I thought they were just jealous.
Sometimes reality was just too much, too repulsive to bear. Often we had no money for food, but who needed a full fridge when we had our soul food? A spare $50 always went on the important things - our pills. A few weeks after Josh lost his job, he received a thousand dollar commission cheque that was owing from his previous employer. We had so many bills to pay, but of course we spent it all on more ‘medicine’. We began buying in bulk and sold pills to our friends. Each time we wanted to buy more, we were offered a ‘menu’ and a review about each different pill. Some were more ‘speedy’ others were ‘trippy’. We always chose the strongest ones. We wanted to go all night! Our friends we also enlightened and selling them E was not a problem. They asked, they put their orders in with their cash and we always delivered. We were reliable dealers. We never worried about getting caught selling drugs in a club and always made sure to buy stuff that was tried and tested. That way we knew we would be ‘safe’.
On new years eve we went to an outdoor rave and became enlightened for the first time. Josh had convinced me that the pills were not harmful. He had a chemistry degree, so he would know, right? I kept trying to tell him I was sick of it all. I was unhappy. I didn’t even want to be there. We had not had a good weekend for months, but we kept doing it. We would argue for days after a big night, because we were always coming down. We made each other paranoid. We loved each other but were in so much pain and weakened physically and spiritually from all the self abuse. He would not listen to me and I wanted to believe him when he said that we did not have a problem. Everyone else was doing it, so why stop? We stayed at this outdoor party for two nights and both felt it was a very purging and healing time. Our eyes were finally opened. I was trying to express to Josh how tragic it all was, how we were escaping reality and not coping with the real world because we wanted to live this E fantasy, but nobody was really listening. Nobody wanted to hear the truth.
I met a girl that day and we started talking about how harsh the sun can be. How dangerous it was. We both noticed how pale we were. She stretched out her arm to compare her skin to mine and although she was smiling, I could see the pain and self hatred in her eyes. Her inner arm and wrist was covered in deep slashes that I knew were self inflicted. I was horrified. I took it as a sign. I did not say anything about it but felt so sad and so sorry for her and I also knew why she was there. I came to a new realisation. She was just like me and J and a lot of other people. We were all trying to slowly kill ourselves, maybe without even realising it. All trying to find out how much abuse the mind and body can take. All believing we were immortal. How much can we take before we crack?
In the morning I was still dancing and even though it was only about five degrees and I could see the breath coming out of my mouth, I felt very warm. My nose was frostbitten from being outside in the cold all night, but I didn’t mind. I looked over at Josh and did not even recognise him. Here was the man I loved with all my heart, who always looked so beautiful to me and I had to look again, in broad daylight, to make sure it was him. His eyes looked sunken and desperate, he was so thin and unhealthy looking. This wasn’t the man I love, this was some stranger. Who was he? I did not know this person. We had not eaten or slept in days. He was staring at me. He was horrified at what he saw. I could see it in his eyes. I resembled a scarecrow. My hair looked like straw. I had dark circles under my eyes and my complexion was a sickly yellow. I looked like shit. I thought I looked great. We had just witnessed reality after helplessly watching each other’s physical and spiritual decline. We looked like two tragic druggies.
Josh and I were very lucky to have each other though this whole journey because we forced one other to finally see the truth and face our own ugly reality. This was not an easy process or a smooth ride. I am just glad that we have overcome this soul destroying passion and have managed to stay together, face the truth and love with a clear head and our feet on the ground. I do not regret anything because this has made me who I am today, a stronger person. Life is all about learning and I have learnt a hell of a lot. I have no problem with people taking E if this is what they choose, this is just about my personal experience and is something that has made me wiser, and now it is time to move on. The most important lessons we learn are usually the most painful ones. I lost control of my life and that is a scary thing, because I am
a very strong person. I thought I was immune to losing control. Our sanity is all we have. Once that is gone, how can we survive? For so long it seemed like I was blindfolded and finally the blindfold was removed, but only after I reached my lowest point. I never want to feel so lost and out of control again. I would like to believe this saying: the path of excess leads to the palace of wisdom. I would like people to read this because it is the truth, and to just be aware of the reasons they are doing it and ask themselves if this is what they really want.

27-10-2000, 01:23
i should just delete it, cause its entirely to long, and im tired. but i guess i'll just move it over to Discussion...

27-10-2000, 01:26
sell it to the oxygen network kid, anyone with enough balls to script such a tale but not take the time to join Bluelight is definately selling something.

27-10-2000, 01:33
What a fantastically well-written piece. I can honestly say that it was one of the most descriptive, well-composed, grammatically correct, pieces of writing I have ever seen on Bluelight and I have to suspect you write for a living. I might take issue on whether you became "dependant" on the pills rather than "dependent" but otherwise not a spelling mistake to speak of. May I also say how unusual it is for someone on this website to be able to punctuate English correctly; it is a dying art.
As for storyline I think you have the beginnings of a Hollywood blockbuster there. The classic "it won't happen to me" to it "becoming your life", to Ecstasy becoming the bane of your existence. I do not mean to make light of your problems but I really do think you could sell that story big time. It seems to have covered nearly all the cliches that one has come to associate with drug use descending into abuse by the seemingly infallible strong-willed "individual".
Many thanks for a thoroughly enjoyable tale which must have taken a huge amount of work...........................oh and I have to agree having read some later posts now and come back to edit this "The Truth about(m)E" would be a better title as this is a story about you, not Ecstasy.
[This message has been edited by paddyboy (edited 30 October 2000).]

27-10-2000, 02:30
hear hear!!!!
it´s tales like these, that make us all,(or should anyway), remember what were into here!
but still, i can´t help but thinking, in the back of my mind- " i wanna show this to all of my friends, who´ve been on my back since i was stupid enough to tell them that i´d tried e´s and that i loved it. so they can rest assured that i am not a FUCK UP, wasting away my life, but i really do consider ALL the risks envolved. and how different it would be, if only they´d read this. they would understand."
but hey.
they haven´t tried it.
and they would NEVER understand what you´re wrote here.
i´m not sure if selling this would be such a great idea. but i´m sure that most american corporations would love to buy this, and make another sugary, moral, jesuslovesu, and we gotta-tresure-those-familiy-values and give- the-ones-we-do-not-like- or do not fit in our Master Plan - the death sentence, kinda thing.
besides making "other" people even more arrogant, and politically correct, giving them the impression that they really are RIGHT about this E-vil - i can´t see what it would change.
as i said, i just hope it is of some help to US, the lost souls, to always stay in control
and i´m sorry if i seem agressive, but it´s more aimed at "the american way of life", those (one to many) discussions with people who´ve never tried e´s and who are telling me what it is and what to think about it, than the subject or any of you on this thread.
stay sober
"is life so valuable, that we should give up flirting with death in order to hang around?" HST

27-10-2000, 02:59
Is she for real?

27-10-2000, 04:27
I guess some people just don't know the meaning of the word: MODERATION. They make the rest of us look bad.

27-10-2000, 04:31
Well, at first I pondered over whether or not to reply to this. I thought it in my best intrest to voice my opinions on this here story.
First off, it was a very well written story. I give you a great amount of credit being able to write a story that well on a message board.
Second, I must say, that well, you did it to yourself. I have been rolling for quite a while now and I think that I am far from a "druggie". You just have to know how to control it.
I'm very sorry for what happend to you. It's sad to hear that things got that out of hand for you.
But what did you really want accomplished from this story? Why did you call it "The truth about E", when it should have been called "The Truth about Myself". Not everyone that does E turns out to be a sunken eyed, pale stick figure. Why do you have to try to turn people away from it because you got carried away with it? It's not our fault that happend. You make those who roll look like the bad guys.
I don't apprieciate that very much. I took that as a bit of an insult.
Once again, I am sorry for what happend....
I'm a professional cynic, but my hearts' not in it.

DJ Cypha
27-10-2000, 04:35
"That's a HUGE bitch!!" -Deuce Bigalow

Mr nice guy
27-10-2000, 05:34
Oh my god.. Didnt any of you bother to read it ?...
And if you did your missing the point.. Someone ( if its not him then someone else) has opened up there heart and put pen to paper detailing there life experience with e...
There not trying to trick you into reading it to " sell there story " or trying to impose there ideals on us.. There mearly telling it how it is ( for them )..
Good piece...

27-10-2000, 06:24
Well-written but unfortunately unmoving since I have heard this story a thousand times...

27-10-2000, 06:53
Do you struggle?

27-10-2000, 07:00
Don't we have a "pointless" forum to post this shit in?
"Roads?, We were going we dont need roads!"

27-10-2000, 07:17
Hey...drugs are bad and stuff!

27-10-2000, 07:18
My next door neighbour has three rabbits.

27-10-2000, 07:19
nothing wrong with being a junkie, its you body\mind\soul and you can fuck it up all you want.
if you dont want to look ugly, smell bad, have no money or fuck up your eating habits you moderate your drug intake. unless someone is shoving the drugs down your throat the responsibility is yours!
each to their own, share your stories and hope others learn..
.you've gotta lose it.
.to find it.

27-10-2000, 07:33
Never trust anyone who claims to know the Big T Truth.

27-10-2000, 09:41
Thanks to all for the positive comments as well as the negative ones. It is interesting to hear all opinions.
I am not trying to sell anything, (!) nor am I a writer. This story is just something I had to get out to purge myself. I posted it hoping that maybe some people would read it & learn something about my personal experience, for I always thought that E was harmless, and I'm sure there are others who think the same. This is just MY truth. It does not mean it will happen to you.
PS: I did try to sign up with bluelight but my password was rejected.
Thanks for reading anyway....

27-10-2000, 10:11
i've been depressed without E and i've been depressed with E. at least with E you feel good some of the time. dropping pills and cutting yourself are exactly the same thing, they both have stigmas but they can both be therapeutic. i think it comes down to nothing being good or evil, its people that make it so. don't forget to take your 5-HTP.

27-10-2000, 14:09
ok that was long.
he/she sounds like every roller i meet just wanting to tell there story.

27-10-2000, 21:34
my interpretation was that this was written by a drug addict telling her story of addiction. i think you should stop worrying about drug addicts "making you look bad," and be glad for the person who overcome their addiction.

princess fuzzE
27-10-2000, 21:45
one thing i've learned about drugs, if they require you to give up anything that is important to you, your self respect, self control, your home... material or psychological... then you maybe shouldn't hand yourself over to the drug...
ick, that sounds terribly smug, but been there, done rehab...
*may i hold that shiny, squishee thingy, please?*

27-10-2000, 22:09
Not all of us take ecstasy to escape. Not all of us have some big ugly world we are running from. Sometimes people use ecstasy to ENHANCE the world around them. If you put so much meaning and dependance on a chemical to make you happy, whoops, totally your fault my friend.
~*~ Ashke ~*~

Pop'n Fresh
27-10-2000, 23:54
I totally agree with Ashke,
E is about enhancing the world around you and understanding yourself. If you have issues without E, you'll have issues with E. Nothing is harmless, redcat: not E, not alcohol, not food... I even have my suspicions about puppies. Anything and everything can turn ugly; you just have to know who you are, what you're getting into and why, and take responsibility for your choices. I'm sorry you had such a bad experience, but don't go including everyone in your revelations about "We were all trying to kill ourselves..." You obviously had issues before E came into your life and you apparently were not as strong a person as you thought.
You're stronger now, though, and you do have good grammar.
What's the mind? Doesn't matter. What's the matter? Never mind.

28-10-2000, 00:17
Wow, what a story.
I think it is hard to have to take a look at yourself and realize that you are not who you thought you were. It sounds like you put far to much faith in E and not nearly enough in yourself.
I am sorry you had to go through what you did, but hopefully you will be stronger because of the experience.
"It's only forever, not long at all"

28-10-2000, 17:52
A VERY well written piece..
Never turn you back on a drug and don't live to do it. You can safely have a career, life, family if you do things in moderation and understand its potential if you don't take care.
Put alchohol in the wrong hands and you have an abusing alchoholic.
Put gambling in the wrong hands, etc
If you take E do it responsibly. Now that I'm older and started rolling when I was 30 (now 31) it has NEVER been a religion to me. I know what the drug can do as I see ppl go down. I see ppl loose 30-40 lbs, ppl get put in jail, etc. Others doing it Fri. Nite (1-3 pills). Sat. Nite (another 1-3 pills). Then by next Friday they are recovered only to do it over and over again. That is sad.
Just keep it in check and don't make it your "God". There is only 1 true God, make him first and He'll tell you what's right, or what's wrong..
Gerbil Jammer

28-10-2000, 19:00
Thankyou for sharing. What wonderful insights into the seductive quality of this drug and the culture that uses it. I too felt drawn in and overwhelmed by the love of the music, the people, the unity. Perhaps, the most intense, exquisite moments of my brief existence. And too, I have noticed the slow, yet constant, wearing down of my self-esteem.
Everyone, this is not your life...this is her's and her's only. But listen closely to her words...there is something for all of us here.
Thank you again.

28-10-2000, 21:15
Well said Ashke. As Joshua Wolf Shenk wrote in the wonderful Harper's piece I keep passing around to my friends, drugs can free or enslave. No other drug illustrates that dialectic more than MDMA does. It is a substance that has an enormous potential to help us along the treacherous journey of this life. E can help us relate to ourselves, others, and the universe. Used moderately, it can free us from the banal workaday mindset the author complained of. But like the notorious Soma of Aldous Huxley's Brave New World, it has the potential to obliterate the user's reality and make them noncaring about those things that truly matter - career, relationships, the workings of the real world. I commend the author for bravely and articulately relating her story and I do not believe it should be deleted - in fact I would love it if she was published in a mainstream publication so that people who are going down a similar path can be warned of the drug's enormous potential for psychological addiction.

28-10-2000, 22:41
Sounds to me like you were:
A)An uninformed user...
B)Letting the drug do you instead of you doing the drug...
C)Looking for something to fill a void, divert your attentions or entertain you, NOT enhance, educate or enlighten you...
D)Incapable of doing something even remotely dangerous or addictive in moderation...
E)Not prepared for the feelings of the comedown... And once you did experience the comedown and found it not to your liking, you continued taking the drug... If you can't handle the emotions of coming down, why didn't you stop taking the drug? No one forced you to take it again and again...
F)Mislead (perhaps willingly?) into thinking that ecstasy is a religion... IT'S NOT... it's a drug...
my $0.02 for the night...

29-10-2000, 15:49
yay verily another horror story... the truth about drugs? What about your truth about drugs!
glad it worked out tho... http://www.bluelight.ru/ubb/smile.gif
"...Clevinger was dead. That was the major flaw in his philosophy..."

Mr. Sticky
29-10-2000, 17:57
"Looking for something to fill a void, divert your attentions or entertain you, NOT enhance, educate or enlighten you..."
This is all a matter of perspective. One man's terrorist is another man's freedom fighter.

29-10-2000, 20:46
this story is exactly what happened to me
only i stopped early, and didn't let it become THAT bad

30-10-2000, 07:15
anything done too the extreme is bad..how many ppl do THAT much drugs????
doing e every week or to escape reality is a major problem.....so is smoking up every week, doing k or jib every week or drinking
but things done in moderation rarely cause many problems
[This message has been edited by Original_tranceaholic (edited 30 October 2000).]

30-10-2000, 15:35
That story could have been written by anyone of my friends, most of whom let yolks takeover their lives. They were almost instantly seduced by the easy money from dealing, euphoria when rolling and and the feeling of belonging to something special. They're conversation consisted soley of drugs, they had little or no interest in the music all they wanted were more pills, whizz, charlie whatever..
Fortunately they to have given up their abuse and only occasionally roll, and they enjoy it all the more now, much more than when they abused drugs. They are better people for their experiance though and if asked they wouldnt have changed anything.

31-10-2000, 23:53
artistic romantacism at its finest!!!
redcat i know that you would like us to believe this is true to life - and not larger than life.
i do like your structure and imagery - but dont post it under the guise of TRUTH - it is romanticized.
now if you were railing meth i would say this could be true to life!!
HOWEVER: it is a beatifully written peice and your artistry is commended!
i have no doubt this piece is based in experience - wether compiled or individuated.
[This message has been edited by kewl2 (edited 31 October 2000).]

01-11-2000, 01:59
While the title of redcat's post might have been a bit misleading, I think that she's saying this is the truth about E to herself. Your story was beautifuly written, and very stirring. Please don't flame her because she let E take over her life, I think she was just trying to tell us her side of the story, and tried to give the reader a warning of what MIGHT happen.
I've noticed that the majority of "rolling stories" so to speak on bluelight are of a positive nature. I think that some people need to be reminded that E, like all drugs, can be very dangerous dispite how much it is glorified on this site.
Redcat's story may not pretain to everyone's life here on bluelight, but I think we should thank her for taking the time to type out her story, and not look down on her because she was stupid enough to let E control her.
Addiction happens to a lot of people. Some continue their abuse of a certain drug (or gambling, or sex, or whathave you) until they eventually die from it. And some realize that they need help, and that's what Redcat did.
"Without music, life would be a mistake." -Nietzsche

01-11-2000, 02:52
This IS the truth about E to Redcat.
Coming to this board, I was very disappointed at how much emphasis was being put on e rather than other great things this scene offers all of us. We've all partied and we'll admit it, but seeing some of the replies on other posts, and actual initial posts themselves I was very discouraged and with peoples' mis-education.
I'm glad to say that 90% of my friends who have also partied are doing well and are under control in this crazy scene. Reading the replies to this long story (which was a good one) I have to say that I'm encouraged and happy for once to read them. I do believe that there are more wise people out there doing the right thing, and I hope more people wisen up. The majority is still a bit ignorant. Ramble ramble ramble

01-11-2000, 02:55
Seconded, Astrogirl. And Redcat--a very well-written piece.

01-11-2000, 21:03
alhtough i never have the patience to read
anything on this board that exceeds a paragraph, your story engulfed me. although some may have various negative opinions about your story, it was truly well written.
i commend you for your honesty, and thank you for sharing your experience. some may say that you took it too far, that it was your own fault for getting to that point. the reality is that E is a tremendously powerful drug. The depiction of your extreme case is truly an eye opener for us all- why deny what really occurs out there? good luck with your cleaning up phase. reality is truly beautiful too. http://www.bluelight.ru/ubb/smile.gif

01-11-2000, 21:40
what is everyone scarred of? that her truth is your truth? what does one gain by flamming someone for being honest and stating reality as she sees it. in her post she explained that this isnt for everyone that this is her personal trial of fire, yet people continue to argue she is uninformed shes story telling. Yes she has impecable writting and gramtical skills as well as wonderful imagery but lifes a story you just heard an interesting one for once. Im not looking down on anyone im just trying to say no harm is done for posting a view especially if its a personal account. Bluelight has a way of glorifying ecstacy because most of us excercise control we use moderation. (Although im not sure how many of us can say we only take one pill no matter what. isnt one pill the proper dose?) But some cant and the interesting thing about that is while we may be able to say to her 'well sorry hun you should know moderation' most of us have never been there dont know what its like to feel an all encompassing feeling of need. And to say that we may have had other addictions we kicked it isnt first hand knowlege of a mental addiction or first hand knowledge of E addiction.
sorry im all emotional today
the man with the plan or at least the man with the vacant stare
[This message has been edited by liquidphil1 (edited 01 November 2000).]

01-11-2000, 22:02
You control the drug and not the Drugs control you. http://www.bluelight.ru/ubb/smile.gif
Raving goes beyond what words can Express!

02-11-2000, 09:51
Well, like the others, I have to say that this was a well written piece. http://www.bluelight.ru/ubb/smile.gif Although, I felt that it had been copied word for word out of a "Reader's Digest". I'm not flaming but it just sounds too "perfect" to be true. If it is true, more power to you! I wish you well. http://www.bluelight.ru/ubb/smile.gif

02-11-2000, 19:35
your story had alot of truths in it.... and alot of emotionally charged experiences....
I know that we all can at some point admit to mid week blues that are bad or being just really pissy if not outright blue. That we hunger the feeling we had sometimes... your story hit many nerves, if for no reason other than any one of us could , if we were honest, put ourselves in your shoes and feel the path that you ended up taking. Ya, I started with 1 and felt awesome, now up to 2 sometimes 3, ( shit is weak recently, so I say)... what I loved before doesn't entertain me any longer... what I love now is being really fucked up then i don't have the contact I had with other like before.... you experiment, sometimes life is meaningless and we find meaning in other things that at least, for a moment, make you feel valued, good, normal, your story is real,
too bad too many people on the board have a strong need to protect and defend their habits and flame you. At least you aren't in denial.... and are honest about your feelings.....
God Bless ya...

02-11-2000, 20:07
I think it is a great post and a very well told story. The scene and xtc are very easy to get caught up in....it almost sweeps you off your feet. The instant connections....the peace....the smiles...the hugs. It can all be very surreal at times thats why everyone loves it. From time to time you need to keep yourself in check. You should know if your involved with the scene for the music or caught up in the chemical fantasy. I admit I have let myself slip before and I think a lot of people have. Like phil said earlier....how many of you take more than one pill? Im sure most of you have overdone it before. Its not only about moderation and keeping your self in check but also about having a balance in your life. If the only thing you look forward to is dropping on the weekends chances are theres something wrong.
one love

02-11-2000, 20:19
I think that this is quite an unfortunate story. If you had only learned how to control the drug, instead of letting it control you. I have rolled 4 times in my life, since February, 2000. I am going to continue to roll for a long time, and at this rate, I will definately have no problems. maybe you should have thought harder about it after you took a roll every weekend. I take one roll every two months, and I don't roll anywhere else but a rave. Money helps, I never seem to have enough, so I never spend it on drugs unless I'm going to a rave.
I'm sorry that it got out of hand for you. At least you learned from this experience.
"Before long, there is short. Before short, there is nothing. When there was nothing, there was always the possibility of something."
[email protected]
[email protected]
[email protected]

02-11-2000, 20:20
Just substitute "cocaine," "special-K," "acid," or "alcohol," and the story would still make sense. Give me a break! This is not about being seduced by E. This is about being unable or unwilling to control yourself. It is called addiction. You have an addictive personality if you cannot moderate your behavior with regards to any drug (be it E, alcohol, nicotine, sugar or fat for that matter). You probably need to get some help. Your addiction, especially to a drug that has no physically addictive properties, is a symptom of a greater problem. Whether it is depression or something else, that is between you and your psychologist.

06-11-2000, 02:36
I must say that I am very moved by this story..I have read it many times & I have also read many responses ranging from calm acceptance of this PERSONAL journey to bitter spitting about attempts to sell books through to taunts about Redcats psychological state.
The fact that it has created these responses is a true testament to its ability to make people stop & read it. Any truly good piece will always emote response from people which in the end is only positive affirmation of how good it is.
I am also appalled that the moderator of this board which is supposed to encourage the OPEN discussion of issues relating to the use of E was suggesting the deletion of this story, this shows an obvious agenda by him to support only stories which show the use of E in a positive light.
Very 1984 like I think!
To the people who have flamed this story.
Let me just for one second convey a fact to you that you all probably need to step back & consider.
Why do people take drugs?
If you want to break it down in anyway you can ( as I have ) it comes back to one factor.
To make us feel something! or to alter how we feel about something!
People have a large list of bullshit reasons for why they take this drug.
I can feel the music better.
I can communicate better.
I feel so good & loving.
For spiritual evolution
I ask the BIG question why do we need drugs to achieve these things? If we are not looking inside to find these answers but instead just keep taking pills to have these feelings then we are really learning nothing.
If you need drugs to listen to the music, then you don't like it & you should find music you can appreciate without them.
If you need drugs to reach out or understand others then you need to find out what it is that has given you these inhibitions & remove them from your life.
If you want to evolve spiritually, well do what many highly evolved people have done & learn this through practice & patience's ( i.e. YOGA etc ).
In fact I would say to those who took the time to outline how they are in control & send there informed views on how they practice moderation are very deep in denial. So deep in they have to protect there beloved E? Why would you become upset by Redcat sharing this story if you did not in fact realize that this drug controls you also, just because it only controls you 4 times a year does not mean you are not using it to avoid some reality at the time.
If you are all so SPIRITUALLY evolved form E use then why not practice the ultimate moderation ABSTINENCE!
Why not learn to hug strangers without drugs..why not learn to dance to techno without drugs, why not learn to confess your deepest fears without E.
But you cant because you need E! & I mainly point this at those on here who have become defensive in there replies to Redcats post.
If you have ever taken a PILL to feel good because you have had a shit day then in my estimation you are an addict who should be asking yourself WHY CANT I FEEL GOOD WITHOUT THIS. If your day was shit don't wait to take a pill to plot it out, pinpoint the thing that is making you feel shit & have the balls to change it! If you hate your job change it, if your friends bother you then fuck them off, If your relationship/ Marriage is bullshit end it etc etc
But its all to easy isn't it? we can fix things that are difficult or require our effort or time to make them what we need to feel good about, our we can always take a pill & feel good about bullshit for few hours.
I mean come on everybody I am not afraid to admit that I have spent many a night standing in front of multi coloured light at a rave or club thinking this was the most wondrous /significant & amazing thing I have ever witnessed. Or that some guy playing some music had somehow enriched my life, how did this serve to evolve me spiritually?.
Sure I have had some profound & impacting changes to life bought on by my use of E, I was able to recognise hurtful things about myself that I concealed normally. I also was able to accept myself on a much deeper level.
But the real SPIRITUAL lesson came when I began my spiral into abuse of this drug, & then came to the realisation that I want to achieve all these feelings thoughts & experiences without using a pill to do it.
I want to look at a light show & enjoy it for what it is, & not have some BULLSHIT false life changing view of what it is. I want to feel the music without been deceived into believing that it is some spirit talking to me rather than just a cleverly constructed collection of patterns & samples. I want to bond with nice intelligent & fun loving people, who love life everyday. Not just when they are on DRUGS.
All these things take time to develop..especially rewarding friendships with wonderful people, I don't know how many times I thought I made deep connections with complete strangers & then realised the next day I have nothing in common with them accept our use of drugs & our need to spill our guts while on them..this is not the basis for a friendship.
How many of you can rave without E.
On the weekend I went to an OUTDOOR DOOF & took no pills. It was freezing cold but I danced for 3hrs, I can tell you that I felt all the same things that I felt when I was on E the only difference was that I didn't get caught up in some bullshit perception of how significant ( life changing ) they where.
yes I felt like we where a community all gathered in the bush to feel the music & dance.
Yes the light show was great & beautiful to watch.
Yes I was very into the beauty of the trees there & how the lighting played along them.
Yes the music was fucking fantastic.
& it even rained a little & I thanked nature for cooling me down.
I did all of this without my minds view of these things been clouded by some chemical, so I know the joy I felt in being there was real joy, I knew the music really was good & the lights stunning.
I had a great night because:
I was able to focus my mind when I CHOSE to on any part of the night & enjoy it for what it was.
I was also able to stop dancing when my body told me I was ready.
I could eat in the morning when I was hungry
& I could go to bed and sleep when my brain & body needed.
And go to work this week without suffering self induced Clinical Deppression
And I know that every thing I heard, saw & experienced was real & not a chemical speaking to me.
I had a profound thought dawn on me that night.
I have finally accepted responsibility for my life & my world, if I am unhappy with anything I must WORK to make it what I need to feel happy about it. This is REAL & tangible evolution that will impact my life in a beneficial way daily.
& I believe that Redcat has reached that point her life where she came to ask these questions, the fact that she had the courage to use her considerable writing skills to try & reach whoever may be struggling with the same issues is a testament to her level of SPIRITUAL evolution. Because she has created something of real & lasting meaning, a personal account of one persons journey to take control of there own existence. In a written form that manages to make people feel something whenthey read it.
You pissy people who sent your nasty replies should take a look in the mirror at what miserable & weak people you really are that you would reject a story that anybody with half a brain cell left can see is somebodies legitimate attempt to pass on a life lesson, solely to help you avoid having to suffer the pain of learning it yourself.
Redcat has absolutely nothing to gain by putting this story here for you assholes to read! In fact in my estimation this could become a best selling book or even a movie from which she could have made millions. She has exposed herself to the enormous risk of having this beautifully written piece ripped of by anybody else to be sold to the highest bidder.
You are obviously people who need E to feel empathy, where's your highly evolved spirituality now when your not all loved up with fake E motions?.
I congratulate you Redcat for having the balls to do this, but not only that for been so selfless that you have given it freely to those who need it the most. Rather than selling it to the corporation to edit, print & then capitalize on as I am sure you could have.
You are a truly evolved person, wonderful story teller & a teacher. Don't let the ratings of these drug confused people stop you from achieving happiness by sharing this experience with those of us who are able to learn form you.

06-11-2000, 11:26
Very good response, BLAC. I can tell you have gone through a lot and pulled wisdom out of your experiences. Let me speak for BL when i say that your contribution is well taken and i look forward to seeing your ideas and thoughts in the future.
You can understand why people would emotionally react negatively against this. It's ok, people will think as they will. Of course they may see their own mistakes in it and react against it, that's natural. I do the same thing myself, and it is a good litmus test of how our attitudes towards drug use are very conscious.
Overall i agree completely. Personally i have learned a lot from drugs and can accomplish a lot spiritually and mentally without them. I feel kind of violated when people find out i have personal experiences that are not induced by a drug, as if it has no validity without it.
Many people don't realize that you can fully feel without them, and that your increased capacities for joy and pain can translate into non-drug reality quite well.
But also consider that it's not exactly easy to wave a magic wand after a tragic day and say, "poof, terrible, weighty thoughts, be gone". It takes considerable effort to alter one's mood, or to change a spirit's direction towards heaven, and to still the mind and create union out of disunion. It is therefore no coincidence that most people time their drug experiences with their spiritual, social, and physical experiences.
If that is how they choose to use, you can't say they are wasting it or that they are unable to function without it.
It was given to us by a higher power. it is only natural for the higher evolved beings to want to put on the glasses and see how the world can be.
However, it is disabling when we can't see the world with our naked eyes, as they really are. Your sober reality is where it counts. We can't keep living in a perpetual haze. But you can make reality very enjoyable to live in.

06-11-2000, 16:30
*Amazing* post, BLAC! A keeper...

06-11-2000, 18:13
LiquidPhil, I back you up 100%. I couldnt have said it better myself. And Blac, I support your post too!
[This message has been edited by MysteriousGrl (edited 06 November 2000).]