Benzos im caught between benzos and this hard place

guys i know this is long but do help
ive just turned 26 and got engaged some months ago and i live in a more eastern society,in india basically, where women arent dominant...
regretfully i have social anxiety disorder and a hard time generally talking to people,however three years ago i started using benzodiazepines and an opiate and without realizing was addicted.i live with my siblings and parents and its hard to understand but indian women tend to live with family until they marry,it doesnt make sense.however two years ago my family found out about my drug use,they tried to keep me at home to make me stop,i tried to not stop because social anxiety was crippling,i was caught multiple times,i still cringe about that..until they banned me from going out completely to basically protect me from myself,and ive been sober for three months and STILL IN WITHDRAWAL...used benzos for social anxiety,which was and is a big problem.
right now i really dont know who to talk to,i can only say that ive sobered up for almost three months,basically waken up from a dream to realize that my fiance is not a nice person and wonder how i lost so much perspective,he has two personalities,sometimes very very caring and loving,and another that is very insecure needy and easily hurt and angered,he has these personaities with everyone.i hate to think he has a borderline tendency,he gets jealous of people who are close to me.i feel generally that i cant keep him happy and he generally wants to keep me happy but worries about failing too,if we fight he can call me names,say really mean things and accuse me of motives that are not true.
he does not have a problem with my past or present drug use,he seems okay with me taking benzos if i want to..i had to tell him because benzodiazepine withdrawal was/and is taking its toll on me and on our relationship but he does not,can not acknowledge that sometimes i get really beat down with withdrawal tension or depression...i think he blames himself or does not realize that benzodiazepine withdrawal could be real.i dont think i can talk to him because i literally meet a wall, and recently he wanted me to accompany him to a friends get together but i just couldnt make it and literally felt sick with anxiety, panic,something that didnt happen when not on benzos.
i honestly dont want to hurt him and just feel so,so beat down,
i think maybe he might be happier without me,but he says he would hurt himself if that happens,and im scared of that.
there are some people who have so much anxiety they find it hard to function without benzodiazepines and i might be one of them,given my way i would take them and be functional and try to go back and enter my job,i have a hard enough time simply trying to look at my family and talking to them or anyone else that i dont know what to do at all.my fiance lets me know that taking these things is okay with him and all i have to do is ask him and that definitely is an attraction (i know that it doesnt sound but they get rid of the anxiety along with depression,
a few days ago i was planning my life and now i dont know what the future holds,i simply felt quite in control and now im finding it hard to acompany him and feeling so guilty.i know people this is way too long and basically a ramble but...ANY ADVICE?

Sounds like you're really on the fence about many aspects of your life. Mainly your fiance and your family/living arrangements.
First of all.. don't marry a man you don't love. This sounds like a road that could easily lead to abuse.
Also you may want to seek professional help. You'll never learn how to cope without drugs if you are never taught how.

If you are completely miserable regarding g your life, you may want to think about changing your life completely. Become independent and find someone you truly love and friends who will support you.

what indians are u on about

thanks chiptrippyfox for replying
ive been so independent and i think that i might not be able to cope...dont want to hurt anyone at all,the guilty is just overwhelming. guilt about hurting family,guilt about hurting my boyfriend/fiance. i have no idea if it is my fault if my boyfriend wont trust me,i cannot get my msg across that just now im a little sick,he would accept only the reasons he believes and not what im saying,if i say something rather fast it means that its not true.i really am sick of not being taken at what im saying instead on god knows what logic.
drug dependent people have their own problems,but i just wouldnt hurt him at all on purpose,but i just do and feel guilty,its not my fault that withdrawal so very bad.
i mean should it not be a good thing that i havent asked my boyfriend for simply buying benzos for me and am trying to struggle each day.
with this oppurtunity and all this nerver racking confusion is it any wonder i dont believe sobriety will last.

ChipTrippyFox said:

Sounds like you're really on the fence about many aspects of your life. Mainly your fiance and your family/living arrangements.
First of all.. don't marry a man you don't love. This sounds like a road that could easily lead to abuse.
Also you may want to seek professional help. You'll never learn how to cope without drugs if you are never taught how.

If you are completely miserable regarding g your life, you may want to think about changing your life completely. Become independent and find someone you truly love and friends who will support you.

Click to expand...

thanks chiptrippyfox for replying
ive been so independent and i think that i might not be able to cope...dont want to hurt anyone at all,the guilty is just overwhelming. guilt about hurting family,guilt about hurting my boyfriend/fiance. i have no idea if it is my fault if my boyfriend wont trust me,i cannot get my msg across that just now im a little sick,he would accept only the reasons he believes,not what im saying,if i say something rather fast it then means that its not true.i really am sick of not being taken at what im saying instead on god knows what logic.
drug dependent people have their own problems,but i just wouldnt hurt him at all on purpose,but i just do and feel guilty,its not my fault just now withdrawal so very bad.
i mean should it not be a good thing that i havent asked my boyfriend for simply buying benzos for me and am trying to struggle each day,i feel guilty for it in fact,that i should trust him and get what would make me 'normal' and stop hurting him.how can anyone feel that way.
with this oppurtunity and all this nerver racking confusion i dont believe sobriety will last.

oh well

See i think the problem may be a bit more than just physical withdrawl... i think you have a psychological disorder (anxiety/dependance) that needs some serious help, but you arent receiving the assistance needed to propperly deal with it, prolonging the problem.

Youve been so dependant on your benzos to live normaly day to day free from social anxiety, you seem to be pegging the effects from your anxiety on physical withdrawl. I find it hard to belive after 3 months that you are feeling physical withdrawl still. I truely do belive that this will go on for a long long time (forever) without proper treatment from a psychiatrist.

You would be better off trying to make it on your own. Don't marry this man because you want independence from your parents. He sounds controlling as well: calls you names, jealous of people, talks about hurting himself when breaking up is mentioned, doesn't trust you and especially the drugs. He buys you pills but he's not really helping you with all the strings attached.

You need to try and get some help for yourself. Talk to a counselor about the anxiety that is crippling you. A psychiatrist can prescribe you medication but it may not be the benzos you want. I'm hoping that your parents will allow you to do this.

Thank you for calling Capital One

pinpoint said:

Thank you for calling Capital One

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I dont get it >.>

Bbgirlclueless, I feel the NEED to respond to this as I am in an almost identical situation and I live in the USA. I married a man who enabled my drug dependence and I'm waking up 10 years later to realize that I don't even LIKE this person anymore. He got me drugs, he enabled me, but he could also turn on me as quick as a flash, rat me out to my parents, his parents...he's jealous and controlling but I wasn't smart and I am totally dependent on him. I have no income of my own, he controls all the bank accounts and credit cards, if I left I would have nothing, PLUS due to my mental illness I have multiple hospitalizations for depression and he would get custody of the children, easily. There's also my drug dependence which is well documented, so I MUST stay with him if I want to be around my children, and the catch here is: he's not careful with their safety, so I feel that I MUST stay with him so that I can watch to make sure my children grow up healthy and strong.

Also: WHEN YOU MARRY A MAN, YOU MARRY HIS WHOLE FAMILY. Something I wish I knew. I dislike my in-laws as people; my father in law I can have SOME respect for but I still wouldn't be his best friend, and my mother in law goes back and forth between buying me things and beating me down. I already have a low self esteem; it's just a power thing. I live with my in-laws and husband and children and I have never been more depressed. DO NOT allow yourself to get into such a situation. If you marry this man, AT LEAST maintain a job, some money of your own, HAVE AN EXIT PLAN. do not allow anyone to take away from you all your personal freedoms as has been done to me.

I hope you listen to thus. THINK CAREFULLY about who you marry. It will make 90% of your happiness or sadness in the future, I really mean that.

Number one: I agree that what ur dealing with goes way beyond withdrawal. Sounds like u have a very real and serious need for at least counseling.
Number two: I would start by educating ur parents about benzos and anxiety disorders. Research online and compile information to show that physical dependence is real and that your anxiety needs to be treated.
number three: I know u live in a different culture and while I don't know everything about it I do know that if u end up being prescribesd medications similar to benzos in the future you CANNOT be locked up to withdraw from benzos without medical supervision.. this can result in a seizure, unhealthy stress to ur body and mind.
Number four: please take care of ur health before devoting ur life to another person like ur fiance. Anxiety disorders depression and medication abuse can put you into a fog and make it very hard to see things clearly. And marriage is something u need to go into 100% sure.

Please keep.us posted and talk to ur parents IMMEDIATELY so you can convey ur need for medical attention.