Friends and expectations...

I would just like to first make it clear that there is no reason for anyone to assume this is about them. This is a venting ground for me, and I was wondering what others thought.
I've been forced by recent events to examine certain friendships.
I'm going to go off on a tangent here, but it will come back, so please read on.
Certain friends we meet, and put instant faith in them. You would instantly do anything for them, since they're such a great person and would do the same for you. In fact, you not only admire the hell out of them, but they are your idea of the perfect friend. Most people might have a couple of them.
My friend (call him/her 'Z' ) was one of these people. Now, Z burnt me pretty badly recently, and I am considering ending our contact. The thing is, I caused a lot of my own hurt by putting expectations on them that I now realize to be impossible. Even knowing that makes it no easier to forgive Z – even if it’s not their fault, they are not the superhuman they were to me.
The above information was background information for this post… I wanted to give you a situation to show you what I will be trying to talk about. For a better story, check out Ashke's post – possibly the best post ever on Bluelight.
Now what I’m wondering about is why we do this. No-one could maintain these standards, but we do it anyway.
What I’m thinking is that we see this person as someone with whom we can finally let all of our guard down. They are the friend we had at 3, before we built a self-preservation barrier through bullying, fighting, detention, teasing, acting tough, etc, throughout our growing years.
We hope so hard that we can relax at last.
And time after time the inevitable happens – your impossible expectations cannot be met – if you think about it, you are looking for a clone of your own psyche – someone you are totally in tune with.
In our childhood, we made perfect friends – the people you’ve known virtually since birth. No-one else could understand us like that. I can’t expect someone who hasn’t known me for the last 20 years to understand me completely and accept me completely, and I couldn’t expect to do the same for another.
The best that can be hoped for is great friends, of which I have a lot of and am extremely thankful for. We will never come across the superhuman type again, unless we find our perfect partner. Odds are against that, so chances are that the majority of us will, ultimately, live our lives alone.
That said, the thought of resigning to my probable fate is disturbing, so I think I’ll just keep my eye out…
Comments?
/VENT
EDIT: Just realised that this may came across as a cry for help, but it's just me taking a step back and trying to analyze the cause of the problem.
Call the above post an unhappy realisation.
[ 15 January 2002: Message edited by: Jakoz ]

There's two sides to a friendship... and whatever your hopes and wishes are from someone else, the one thing you can control is your own side of the equation.
My suggestion, and hopefully this is backed up by my actions, is to remain optimistic and forgiving towards your friends... Trust them, give them chances and be generous. You may open yourself to being hurt or betrayed... but if you build a wall of suspicion around yourself, you'll never be rewarded with the kind of real friendships you are looking for. Giving someone chances means you may well help them develop into a better friend and person (a gift rarely given... but priceless in a meaningful and enduring relationship).
And in response, try damn hard to be a perfect friend back. In my book that means forgiving people for their weaknesses, admitting your own weaknesses... and not being above asking for help.
After all, if your hoping to find excellent friends, then you'd better try to be one yourself.
If someone hurts you, try to realize there is likely to be more to it than meets the eye. In a party environment, drugs, lack of money, loneliness and other issues can cloud people's judgement. Maturity in developing and maintaining relationships is a difficult quality to attain... but definitely one worth pursuing.
BILL
--
What do you get when you pop a smurf? A burst-smurf.

hear hear!
Well said
Im a friend for ANYONE here.. Whether we have had words before, you want to be nice to me..
I'll be nice to you.. HONESTLY as well..
Well, a perfect venue for me to get that off my chest..
You don't like a person or what they do (at times), its better (usually) to tell them. Hell, you may become better/good friends from airing things like that out..

Bill - youre dead right.
What my rambling meant was more of a sadness that no-one can stay the perfect person in your eyes forever. Ashke pointed the condition out much better, but I was trying to (over)analyze it.
I guess you just get too old for heroes.

We're human FACT. (well most of us....)
We fuck up FACT.
I try not to put expectations on people, and I never trust someone 100% - because it's simply not fair on them. People are people and as such we make mistakes.....constantly. When push comes to shove basic survival instincts kick in and yes, we'll put ourselves first. (Hate to admit it and fight it constantly but you know what I mean....)
If someone is a great friend - don't put them under pressure by setting un-realistic expectations. I have a friend who does this to me, and I am constantly feeling like a failure because I can't live up to her expectations which everyone reassures me are unrealistic.
If someone is a good friend, be kind - don't expect too much otherwise you're setting them up for a fall.
Another way of looking at this - how do you know how strong a friendship is until you know what you can forgive? People make mistakes, but it's not fair to punish them for a lifetime for a moments poor judgement.
Don't judge others by your own standards - just because you would walk to the ends of the earth for your friend - it doesn't mean that you should expect them to feel the same.
Having said all of this Jakoz, my opinions come from being hurt myself and so I sympathise with you. Maybe you can treat this as an exercise to see how tolerant and forgiving you can be - and see if your friendship can possibly 'benefit' from the experience??
Unless they've done something which is just RUDE - in which would suggest they're not the person you thought them to be, so fuck'em off.

Hmmm... I was thinking about this the other day and it is kind of related... kind of...
I realised that I very rarely forget when someone does something to me for good or bad. If it is a good memory then it is just a distant feeling of fondness. A bad memory makes me wary forever more when dealing with them in similar situations to how they hurt me so it won't happen again.
If a person hurts me and very soon after tells me that such an occurance will never happen again why should I believe them? They never promised in the first place that it wouldn't happen but then again, I would never *ever* have acted in the same way as them in a similar situation. This leads me to believe that their personal beliefs will conflict with mine on the subject should it ever arise again so that person will not realise why it hurts me so much.
Now this person is saying that they will let me into their life exclusively but I just don't know if I'll ever be able to trust them. How can you get into a relationship without beginning with trust?
ahhh... forget I said anything...
----------------
Peter Popper Popped a Peck of Pickled Pingers,
How many Pickled Pingers did Peter Popper pop?

i have a few people in my life who've fallen into the same category as "z"
and a few who've been those instant faith, admirable types... such as wazza.
but then i've also met someone who i feel 'in tune' with... someone i'm totally 'on the same wavelength' as... a clone of my own psyche? perhaps not... but someone with a very similar psyche.
and that makes up for all the "z"s...
what you've written here describes a lot of my life at the moment... thanks.

You rock Bill, you've again confirmed why I consider you a worthy friend... I agree completely with everything said in your post and feel the same way...
In the environment of the party scene its very easy to meet people and become seemingly great friends almost instantly... There are currently a good number of people whom I know very little whom I believe I have a good friendship with...
I don't have any expectations from these people, I don't know them well enough to know what I can expect. So I won't place complete trust in them, I won't assume that they'd trust me completely either...
Anyone who knows me knows that this doesn't affect my interactions with other nor my ability to form friendships, I'll still do anything I deem worthwhile for people (and most people know there's not much that I don't deem worthwhile) as long as they don't show me that they're not worth it...
As for those who have been close friends for a longer time, there are some whom I would and have and will continue to go great lengths for, and one or two for whom I would do anything asked of me... Those are the only people who really have the power to burn me, because I don't expect too much from other people and accept that once in a while someone will do something which will hurt me, but those special people could ask of me more than I can give, and I would try to give it anyway...
As stompr said, we're human, we fuck up... What we need to remember is that we do sometimes unintentionally fuck up... The hurt results from not understanding that it was unintentional... All too often pain results from mis-understanding, we all too often read too much into too little, making something small seem much more important than it is...
Its too easy to make assumptions when we don't know someone too well, too easy to assume that there is more to something that they do/say than we see at the surface...
I'd like to be able to consider everyone a friend from the start, and most of the people I meet these days do prove worthy of that title, but while I do give everyone a chance, there's still a level of caution there to make sure I don't allow someone to take from me more than I can give (except for those few people I mentioned before, tho I know they wouldn't ask me to do something which I couldn't do)
While it may not seem so to my close friends (I'm not really sure) I never let my guard down completely... I let everyone close, but there's still a barrier there protecting my core... I've only given a couple of people the invitation and ability to remove that barrier but it was declined, and I've got no idea if or when or for who that will happen again...

Yes, people burn us. How many people can you remember burning of late? Surely we can't let that destroy our friendships.
Ah, the much flouted word of 'perfect'. The 'perfect' soulmate, the 'perfect' friend...
Perfect or idealised?
Perfection is not something I hope to achieve. It is a goal to be strived for, but it is surely the imperfections in the world that shape our character and person. Without hardship, is joy as complete?
Endurance & forgiveness, keys for the future?

I wish I could put into words my thoughts on this subject, but its not something that I am very good at.
*sigh*

I'm pleased to hear that the two people here who shared their most inner thoughts on the subject of friendship I consider close friends of mine. Its contenting to know that even my close friends share the same views as my own.
A strong relationship will always have its ups and downs, its all about learning, forgiving and being there when your needed. Whether you put up a barrier or not.
Respect.