drugs, jail, and death

30 days ago today i shot up in an arbys parking lot for what should have been the last time. i had taken some time off and hadn't had anything for 2 weeks prior thanks to suboxone. anyway, it was my first shot and it was big but not dangerous, i thought. just as i pushed the plunger down and pulled out the rig a cop pulled into the lot. i got paranoid, stuck the bag of works behind my seat and pulled out of the lot. as i was pulling out i had that "oh shit, this is a big one" feeling and thats the last i remember until waking up in the ambulance hand cuffed to the bed. i nodded out, hit a parked car, and ended up nailing a huge rite aid sign in front of about 200 people.

i easily could have hit someone and i cant let that go. theres a park across the street with little white trash kids and everything. i would literally hang myself if i hit a kid or something because i'm too dumb not to drive on 4 bags of some of the best heroin available for purchase in the united states. if i were driving in the woods somewhere i would have been gone, which is causing me a suspiciously low ammount of stress. i dont want to die at all and definitely didn't intend to, but im not as scared as i know i should be. anyway, the point of this is that tomorrow i have a court date set for the accident back in philly. ive been staying a few hours out of town since to keep away from dope for a while. all month i've been clean, no subs or nothing, telling myself that this was a big deal and i have to be done now. i fucked up and crossed a line and now i have to be done. except as i know you see coming, im all but guaranteed to use tommorow. i've been dreaming about it for the last 2 weeks, knowing im going to be back in town. i dream of sneaking away when no one is paying attention to me, getting on the train from city hall and being in kensington in 10 minutes. i know its that easy.

does anyone have any mental routines or ways of breaking up your thought patterns? any tips or tricks to get through the roughest brief moments would help since im generally strong willed and i've gotten this far on my own. i just worry that i'll have moments of extreme vulnerability in making the decision to get fucked up. thanks in advance.

I have no idea whatsoever about your situation as I have never done dope or IV'ed anyting.

so *Bump*

and hope it works out for you man.

Just take it minute by minute and when you feel yourself slipping into that "fuck it" mindset, remind yourself of the first part of your post. What if you hit a kid? It didn't happen but could have. You are being very honest with yourself and that's a good thing.

Is there going to be anybody going with you for moral support? If not, is there anyone that you could ask to do that? You could be honest about what you know is going to happen--the craving and the thought that you can just slip away--and ask them to help you through it.

Good luck. I know it won't be easy but you can get through this and turn things around.

Yes, I agree with Herbavore...having someone come with who you can be honest with is a great idea.

If not, take it literally minute by minute. As in...I will not go get drugs now, for the next fifteen minutes....to ok, I made it 15 minutes, now 15 more....it seems so stupid, but it really can help. If all else fails, tell yourself that anytime a thought about how easy it is pops into your head,think about what could be happening if you had killed a kid, or someones mom, or anyone.

One other thing...if you have gone clean this whole time, that is awesome! Why waste it? Good luck to you, you can do it! I will be thinking positive thoughts for you tomorrow....

Man i've been to treatment a few times, and if you really wanna stop, they have a few ideas for stopping thinking patterns and such that really work.

Like the guy above said, look at the decision you are about to make, and trace it down to where it will probably lead you, in however short of time it takes to get there. I know you got this man, stay strong, get your shit over with, and take it fron there!

Thanks everyone for the positivity. Its appreciated.

hey, good to see you back posting! What ever came of the legal troubles? And how have you been doing?

thanks herb - i ended doing a stint in the Curran Fromhold Correctional Facility in Philly. got out a few months ago and went to work out in washington state for a while on a farm where we had no internet or cell phone service. just got back to the east coast and doing well. life is good. how about you?

^ I'm so happy to see that you're doing better. I hope the new year brings many more good things your way. You always have a support system on BL especially in TDS

Hope you're all good now man. And really hoping she (opi8z) is out of your life.

quesoanejo said:

thanks herb - i ended doing a stint in the Curran Fromhold Correctional Facility in Philly. got out a few months ago and went to work out in washington state for a while on a farm where we had no internet or cell phone service. just got back to the east coast and doing well. life is good. how about you?

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I always think that working/living on a farm or in an even more wild setting in nature is the best cure for almost everything. I'm glad you survived the jail time and that you had the opportunity to do that. Mostly, I am glad to hear you say "life is good". My 83 year old mother says that a lot. If something tastes good or she reads a good book or has a visit with an old friend, she always gets this big genuine grin on her face and says, "You know? Life is good." I know that being near the end of it makes it more precious than ever. When any one else says it, it always makes me pause and reflect....and agree!

I'm really happy for you. Stay positive.

OP, are you sober now?

I'm from outside Philly myself and know myself just how easy it can be to slip back.
You, no doubt, know also just how easy it can be for one's own actions to potentially destroy the lives of people completely un affiliated with your affairs.

I'm really glad to hear you're back, and doing well!
I've been doing weekend stints at George W. Hill Correctional Facility and have met *far* too many people in similar, or worse, situations as the one you found yourself in. It breaks my heart every time. So glad you hit only a Rite Aid sign.... *pheeeew*

Holy fuck, you should be thankful to be alive.

You should stay on Suboxone and please, never do heroin again. Not for anyone else's sake but your own.

Just remember what your life can and will be like if you stay away from heroin and let it motivate you to stay clean every day.