I'm looking for a doctor..

who specializes in mdma & recreational drugs but I can't find anything but rehab bullshit.

do I look for a toxicologist?

i've already tried a neurologist, but I had to explain to Mr. Muhammad from the University of Baghdad (1970), what ecstasy was...what a fucking joke...honestly.

can I get an American doctor please?

two days will mark 8 months of suffering. 8 months of dread and anxiety. 8 months of confusion. I will never know what was in that Blue Rolex, speckled, ink/chalk melted onto your hands, consumed on January 22nd, 2010, purchased in the Inland Empire.

the thing I don't understand, is how come my memory hasn't returned. 8 months seems like more then enough time to recover most of my short term memory.

i had absolutely no anxiety and no history of depression of any sort. i could drink, get smashed be fine. i had mild anxiety only when smoking weed. rolled, rolled, and rolled, each time better then the next. things just don't add up.

now my life is a rollercoaster. i honestly have anxiety 24/7, have an almost constant inter-monologue (anxiety induced), at times feel absolutely no love toward my girlfriend of 10 months, or even my father. but my depression comes and goes. life is normally alright, i'll laugh, carry on conversations, go out with friends, but it's still no where close to the same. and then, there are times where everything is just lame as fuck, that's the only way i can describe it. tv is boring, video games are boring, eating is boring, the internet is boring, just so odd and disconnected.

my life has done a complete 360, just set off from one pill, 8 months ago? shouldn't I have significantly recovered by now?

i have friends doing tabs on the weekends, rolling during the week, smoking bowls all day everyday, getting smashed off handles of vodka and whiskey, and you honestly, wouldn't know they did any of that unless you hung out with them.

and then there is me. plagued in this dark whole. i tried playing a few games of beer pong the another night, felt a slight head change (buzz) coming on, and it immediatly set of a mild panic attack, started going numb, felt extremely lightheaded, had to excuse myself, walk away from my game, drink water and play games on my iphone until it slightly wore off. i still felt shaky even when going to bed later that night.

and we were only playing 6 cup, with cups filled 1/4. :/ normally i'd start feeling happy and relaxed. not anymore.


is this really something I just have to ride out? i'm 18 years old and have honestly thrown my entire 18th year out the window, ill be 19 in november. my memory is trash.

No one can tell you how long it will take, but just realize that it will get better. Try not to dwell on it too much because that will only make it seem worse. And I hope you never take another pill again. Stick with molly if you're trying to roll.

Im not sure if you tried anything to help your recovery but if you haven't there's a lot of things you can try before you visit the doc.
Exercise is really important for any health condition. It gives you a lot of natural energy, boosts metabolism, and you generally feel better about yourself.
Vitamins are underrated imo also. Check the supplement section there's a ton of different things that could help.
I personally haven't heard about a bad roll similar to a bad trip of acid, but with what they're putting in pills it's hard to tell what could happen.
Sometimes problems can grow in your head too. Not to say you're imagining anything, but you can definitely intensify these symptoms when you over think.
I'm no doctor or a physical trainer or anything important for that matter, but I've done some research and you should too if you want to feel better again.
Good luck.

Blue Rolex? Jan of '10? I had them, they were piped, but it could've been a different batch.. I'm in SGV, close enough to IE

has it been getting better at all?
i know i've seen a few threads of yours' about this and you've gotten so many good responses.
if you've been taking care of yourself it should be much better by now.
imo (if you havent already) see a skilled psychologist and tell him whats up.
therapy, along with a healthy lifestyle should get you back to where you wanna be.

and i mean healthy lifestyle bro,
you wanna feel normal again? you gotta fucking work for it.
that means no junk food, alchohol, anything that fucks with your body/brain chemistry in a bad way.
start working out (work out HARD, push yourself to the max.) and eat healthy (fruits, veggies, LOTS of fish).
i dont know where you stand when it comes to supplements, but if i were you id be taking
-fish oils [there are soo many benefits]
-curcumin [increases BDNF]
-dank multivitamin [dont buy the cheap stuff, look for a quality multi, IME they're worth it]

and maybe?
-st. johns wort [upregulates 5HT receptors, which may or may not be good in your case]

best of luck bro

humana.com has a directory of doctors that take their insurance. You can find an american one (says their name and where they got their degree) maybe they'll take your insurance too... Foreign doctors generally don't give a shit they just come here to scam the American insurance system that creates a ridiculous demand for doctors (which is met by crappy foreign ones). There are some good ones though, but IME most are quacks.

You been exercising and nothing? Exercise and a balanced diet should do the trick. Factor in time obviously.

Thizzin - I got your email, but you didn't mention looking for a doctor.
I understand why you were upset with the neurologist.

I won't go on about exercise and diet - you have heard it often enough.
Working out IS a miracle, but not a permanent one.
New axons are constantly being trimmed away - they persist for weeks at best.
It is the regular HABIT of exercise that will change your experience.

But even the most dedicated diet/exercise regimen will NOT stop the RE-WIRING of your brain.
The best you can hope for is to have INFLUENCE on the process.

My best advice is to find a local university.
Call someone - pick up a phone - FUCK google.

Ask for a reference to a doctor, preferably a neurologist, with MDMA experience.
A large college WILL have encountered this problem before.
If it doesn't work out, make ANOTHER phone call.
Simply getting a referral to a neurologist didn't help you in the first place - so make sure it is one with the experience you want.
You have to be more involved than you probably feel capable of right now.

Call different universities, out-of-state if you have to.
Eventually, you will find someone that wants to help you find a local doctor.

Here is another option - google SPECT scan.
You can find a local lab that JUST provides these scans along with a basic consultation, for about $3,000.
Your insurance MIGHT cover it, but probably not.

Or you can get an fMRI for around $500.
What will these scans tell you?

Probably that your brain shows a lack of blood supply and glucose metabolism in the frontal lobes.
If you REALLY want, you can beg a doctor to puncture your spine and draw some CSF.
They MIGHT find you have lower than average serotonin levels - but probably NOT at this point.

The ONLY real valuable information that you MIGHT get is SERT-binding ratios from the SPECT scan - IF they are looking for it.
This is the serotonin transporter, which removes serotonin from the synapse and recycles it. It is considered a somewhat reliable measure of toxicity and recovery.
By looking at this ratio, they might be able to estimate the total percentage of recovery you have remaining.

They CANNOT do ANYTHING with this information to TREAT you.
Except for saying..."Look here Mr. Thizzin - you have made X amount of progress...so we believe you have another 6 months before your SERT binding reaches normal."

If you DO find a neurologist with MDMA experience they will likely try to convince you of this WITHOUT any scans.
That is because they have the EXPERIENCE that you don't - 8 months isn't long enough when a patient has clinical levels of psychological distress.
Nearly ALL research that I have seen places patients like us at 12 months for clinical recovery, not 8.
Maybe 18...

THAT, sir, is your answer.
Wanna speed it up?
Exercise.

It sprouts NEW serotonin axons and builds new neurons!!!
No, it won't stop the re-wiring...
NOTHING will.

SSRIs can also sprout lots of new axons, especially in cortical regions, but it is not permanent.
Not only will trimming and pruning STILL occur eventually - the SSRI will DEPLETE your global serotonin levels.
THAT is why a good neurologist will NOT even prescribe it to you.

The reason that destruction of your higher serotonin system is so unbelievably HORRIBLE...to the point that others CANNOT imagine...
is because serotonin modulates DOPAMINE.

You have caused a loss of blood flow, glucose metabolism, and DOPAMINE release in the higher thinking brain regions.
This causes a relative INCREASE of dopamine in lower brain regions.
That recipe equals PSYCHOSIS.

You know who else this happens to?
People with schizophrenia.
Low activity in cortical regions, with increased dopamine in the limbic system.
Your human brain isn't working well, and your primal brain is in overdrive.

Welcome to true madness young man.
This is what it feels like.

Actually some schizo patients live for YEARS with symptoms that you only experienced during the WORST of this process.
It is so bad it destroys brain tissue, resulting in a loss of brain volume!
Believe me, it could be WORSE.

Are you hearing audible hallucinations? Do you always think people are staring at you?
Is your anhedonia prominent and permanent?
If you answered NO to these questions, then you are NOT truly schizophrenic.
But you DO have a similar dopamine imbalance - understand this. Believe it.

The fact that you can even type this thread PROVES something.
You have more cortical function than you would like to believe.
Few people write quite as much as I do in this forum, but you sir have writing skills.
I can SEE them.

What you are feeling is the loss of your humanity.
You have to forgive the outside world for not understanding - BL members and neurologists ALIKE.
This is YOUR journey, and very few share it with you.

Then there is me.
I know that information is what you really want, and I attempt to provide as much as possible for public consumption.
Knowing what the cause is and WHY it won't last forever is VERY important.
Simply being told to exercise and wait isn't good enough. Right?

So go find that damn neurologist if you must.
Buy an expensive SPECT scan, and come back and tell us what your SERT binding ratio is.
Then tell us what the doctor told you about recovery...

In 4 more months you will hit a milestone.
I have read MANY accounts from other MDMA users that said they crossed over suddenly around 1 year.
I have read others that say it still NEVER goes away completely.
I believe that BOTH are true.

There IS a transition...and there will be lingering effects for years.
But I truly believe that the brain NEVER stops adapting.
We evolved from BILLIONS of organisms over BILLIONS of years - that is why we are so RESILIENT.

THAT is why even heavy long-term users with MAJOR clinical symptoms STILL describe a REAL recovery by the 2 year mark.

I'm at 9 months, and I feel like I just hit another plateau.
This one took 3 goddamn months to manifest, but there it is.
By the next one, I will probably be reporting a 'transition' into something else.
I hope so.

But you know what?
I exercise ALL the time.
I eat LOTS of veggies.
I learn new stuff at work every day.
I practice 'rage therapy', which I believe is a way of increasing dopamine levels until it spills over into the higher brain.
I have sex constantly.

And I refused to settle for less than a LOT of information when this all began.
Are you doing your best?

Just wait a little longer, and I PROMISE life will improve.
In a BIG way.

Good luck with your Duck Hunt...I mean Quack Hunt...I mean Doc Hunt.
:D

45 mins exercise daily every day is the best thing anyone can do.

How many times must you post the SAME EXACT post before you realize that nobody is going to tell you anything different and posting about it isn't going to help? I don't mean to sound harsh man but this is getting kind of annoying. There really isn't much you can do besides wait and not think about it. Many of us have been through this and we all tell you the same thing: it will get better. Just listen and believe...

I've taken tabs that "ruin" people with the people at the time they took them. It's crazy to believe that certain psychoactive substances can completely cause a loop in some people's brains and not others. I actually enjoyed the experience, while everyone else seemed to be in absolute mind-hell.

I guess I could convince myself that my brain is incapable of healing? But that's not true. The brain is extremely resilient, but its capable of convincing itself that it is feeble and weak. Susceptible to the slightest psychological trauma; causing permanent damage!

FirstBadComedown never fails to amaze me nice reply bro.

Gee, thanks Fyasko.
Glad to know others are listening.

Chitown has a point - re-posting here and going to a doctor really won't change the answer.
But I disagree with his opinion about the 'annoying' status.

If ever there was a place for this type of annoyance - BlueLight is it.
Its not like there are good discussion boards available JUST for people in recovery.
So we hijack the best MDMA board on the internet - and with good reason.

Where else can we REALLY find answers?
Even neurologists fail - something the OP found out on his own.
And reading through the nebulous and abundant MDMA research on the internet is a FULL time job - or career.

Some MDMA users on BL have been rolling long enough to see other people go through this period of psychosis.
Some of them survived it themselves.

So Thizzin has every right to come back repeatedly and beg for answers.
Hell, this time he actually changed his tone and asked for help finding a doctor...

By the way, Chitown, I'm really just using your post as discussion material.
You made a good point that others may not want to make.

If people that love MDMA have a problem with us plugging up the board - TOO BAD.
The fact is - MDMA damages people.
This is a FACT - backed by MANY anecdotal reports AND mountains of research.
Only the specifics are at debate.

Scientist after scientist agrees - MDMA selectively damages serotonin axons in higher brain regions.
Or...MDMA causes a lasting/permanent re-organization of the ascending axonal structure.
Also agreed upon - MDMA is a moderator of blood distribution around the brain. It has a powerful influence on capillary function.
It also mediates dopamine release - the two are intertwined. Glucose metabolism is also tied to these pathways.

NONE of this is at debate.
Only the exact cause and implications are.

It appears that some people, whether from genetics or a variety of other factors, are MUCH more susceptible to psychosis.
One of the major factors, which is also a confounding factor, is marijuana use.
Long-term users of cannabis are more likely to exhibit severe emotional distress/psychosis.

All the people on BL that are exposed to this information, have a CHANCE to influence their own level of risk.
Following proper dosage levels and spacing your rolls wisely is VERY important. So is deciding not to be a pothead for several years.
Also, some that experience an acute reaction or see a friend having one may realize that LOWERING BODY TEMPERATURE can make a BIG difference in outcome.

So Mr. Thizzin here is serving a function.
An important one.

Through his suffering and repeated laments - he may be reaching an audience that needs to hear the 'other' side of MDMA.
For all I know, I have saved dozens of teenagers from long-term alterations to their 'ascending axonal structure' - otherwise known as brain damage.
Even if I haven't YET, my posts will live on for YEARS.
Thanks to Bluelight and Google, MDMA users like Thizzin can actually find some ANSWERS.

Now, for a concession.
Constantly searching for an answer is not the ONLY approach that should be used.
But I can assure you that Mr. Thizzin here has tried other things - we have been communicating outside of BL.
He tried exercising HARD - harder than I told him to. For a while.
He improved his diet and started supplements.
He ordered the Piracetam.
He is trying to manage a relationship with a new GF. Damn.

And he even played a drinking game with friends - a sign that he is trying to socialize.
He even went to see a goddamn neurologist.
Good for you Thizzin.

He is TRYING.
I think there is a misunderstanding about the experience.

Chitown, for example, did around 800 tabs. Holy shit.
But when you stopped, your anxiety led you to benzos.
That was a whole OTHER hell, but the MDMA recovery didn't spell PSYCHOSIS for you.

I would propose that you did NOT experience the DOPAMINE imbalance that I referred to.
You have said you felt 'different' but not THAT bad.

This makes me think of a recent experience I had.
I tried taking Tryptophan a few weeks ago.
I did this because I had stopped taking Piracetam almost 4 months ago.
I was going downhill and was willing to try something else, besides I hadn't tried tryptophan since the beginning.
Originally, it made me feel MUCH worse.

But recently, the strangest thing happened.
It made me CALM.
Yes, I slept better - but that is not the point.

I was more than calm.
I was SO relaxed it confused me.
My cerebral experience didn't change very much - I still perceived the 're-wiring' that was happening before, although the head-pressure was definitely less.
But I was SHOCKED to find that my symptoms no longer induced an EMOTIONAL response.
I still felt like I might have a stroke, but I DIDN'T CARE.

Hmm...

So, raising my serotonin levels globally causes a change in the emotional and psychological experience, but not the physical one.
I tried to figure this out, but I didn't care that much because I was SO relaxed that whole week.
Even at work, I just felt FINE.

At the end of the week, I made a small error in judgement - I popped a tramadol, one of my favorite opiates (opioid to be precise).
What ensued was mild Serotonin Syndrome - something I recognized quickly and treated aggressively.
Stupid, especially for Mr. Know It All...

So, I stopped taking the tryptophan.
And wouldn't you know it - within a week I was feeling HORRIBLE.
I became SO emotional that I started to believe I haven't made ANY progress since coming off the Piracetam.

I realized what was happening - and this is important to understand.
Remember, the brain is rewiring ITSELF.
Research has repeatedly shown that the hippocampus is highly susceptible to damage from MDMA
The hippocampus is responsible for several CRITICAL functions.

It connects to both higher and lower brain regions.
It is the creator of memory.
It is responsible for geographical awareness - such as location or direction of travel.
It also takes your experiences from other brain regions and turns them into short-term memories.
Eventually, it transitions these short-term memories into long-term ones, essentially creating our life stories.

Of note - in women, the hippocampus changes every month.
It actually changes structurally.
This occurs at the same time that serotonin levels in the brain change.

When a woman is PMSing, her serotonin levels fall.
When she is ovulating, it rises.
It is just part of the cycle.

I constantly remind people that serotonin modulates the action of the intestines primarily.
Smooth muscle contracts due to serotonin ALL over the body, including the UTERUS.
A woman literally swells with fluid, starts cramping, and experiences a drop in brain serotonin.
Along with this goes emotional changes.
Eventually bleeding begins.

Go back to the hippocampus.
How many people here are married or have been with a girlfriend for a while? Sisters?
How many here ARE female?

If you have experience in this area, as I do, you will automatically understand my next statement.
Woman, when PMSing, concentrate on the NEGATIVE aspects of their life.
Whatever has been going wrong...whatever is less than ideal...they FIXATE on it.
Not only do they focus on the negative, more importantly - they come to believe that it will NEVER change.

No, its more than this - the woman believes that it has ALWAYS been this bad AND it will never EVER change.
Ever hear the statement - "I can't live this way anymore!"

The hippocampus, the memory circuit - the great connector of ALL our experiences is responsible.
It actually FOOLS the woman, or the MDMA sufferer, that things can NEVER get better.

ONLY when this level of crisis is reached - only THEN can bleeding begin.
Or in the case of MDMA psychosis - only THEN can new axons pop up and new SERT binding sites be established.

Serotonin is the great moderator of MANY diverse brain functions.
ALL your smooth muscle, but your intestines in particular, drive this network.
And it has a profound influence on blood flow AND dopamine in the brain.

It could also be said that women that suffer from PMDD or premenstrual dysphoric disorder (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pmdd) are actually suffering from a major dopamine imbalance, like the unfortunate victims of MDMA found on this board.

It appears that the brain is INCAPABLE of 're-wiring' itself unless the primary memory circuit is tricked into believing that things will NEVER get better.
I believe this is a key part of the process. Without this ingredient, the whole recipe falls apart.
And by supplementing with tryptophan, just as in PMDD, substantial relief is achieved.

Here is another theory - the re-wiring process actually USES up serotonin - it expends the available supply.
Perhaps the influence on the hippocampus is incidental in this way. Maybe it isn't KEY...

Regardless of the function, the most important thing for Thizzin to realize is that the hippocampus is DESIGNED to change.
This has been studied in MDMA users - look up PET scans for hippocampus remodeling.

And the exercise I keep suggesting...the BDNF release sends STEM CELLS into both the cerebral cortex AND the hippocampus.
Wow...just wow.

Both of these are heavily compromised by the axotomy that MDMA can cause - and exercise can actually re-grow neurons in these areas.
Just amazing...

For those that might use this to support their abuse of MDMA - do not be fooled. BDNF will NOT restore original inneravtion density in the cortex (especially prefrontal and visual cortices). The point is, that REAL neural growth DOES happen. There IS hope.

And hopefully, ONE day...the serotonin flux that is happening will level off.
And your poor hippocampus will stop making you believe that it will NEVER ever end.
Because it WILL.

I fucking promise.

Good advice from all above. But I don't think he took MDMA, the rolex's that were going around so-cal earlier this year were pipes. Seems largely psychological, although I dunno if anyone on here is real familiar with the neurological effects of piperazines.

^yeah i was gonna mention that
theres a lot of good advice but most of it involving MDMA recovery.
http://www.pillreports.com/index.php?page=display_pill&id=24867
^im assuming thats the pill Thizzin had. (piperazine)

i guess the recovery process could be the same...

PTSD that's why you havnt recovered yet. Fuck how many times do i have to explain to you there's no damage, pipes aren't that bad, especially to your serotogenic system.

LET IT GO! Stop thinking about it, honestly I'd try a small dose MDMA (tested) with proper setting and pre loading supps.

Or an ssri.

Fyasko, the pill report you linked is the EXACT FUCKING PILL I consumed. Like, holy shit.

Absolutely the worst day of my life. Reading other peoples reaction to the pill is identical to mine. Damn. Bookmarked that page for my doctor to see.

First Bad Comedown, your information blows me away everywhere. I know I make you repeat certain things over and over again, but each time I read it over makes a difference. Thank you so much, from the bottom of my heart for your contribution to my journey to recovery, for keeping in contact with me outside of BL, and for being my online therapist.

^ dude, pipes are that bad.

MDMA isn't bad at all when used properly but Piperazines can cause lots of health problems. getting mad at the OP isn't going to help him recover mentally either. You're not convincing when you use that tone on a harm reduction forum.

thizzin' since 98 said:

Bookmarked that page for my doctor to see.

Click to expand...

No good could ever come from you showing that to your doctor. They won't have any idea wtf it is. If anything the might just write "deranged drug user" on your medical file... I would advise not showing him that..

Did you have a very traumatic experience on that pill? Highly traumatic experiences can trigger PTSD as someone else said.

Anyway, good luck with the recovery!

thizzin' since 98 said:

Fyasko, the pill report you linked is the EXACT FUCKING PILL I consumed. Like, holy shit.

Absolutely the worst day of my life. Reading other peoples reaction to the pill is identical to mine. Damn. Bookmarked that page for my doctor to see.

First Bad Comedown, your information blows me away everywhere. I know I make you repeat certain things over and over again, but each time I read it over makes a difference. Thank you so much, from the bottom of my heart for your contribution to my journey to recovery, for keeping in contact with me outside of BL, and for being my online therapist.

Click to expand...

thats really wierd
you'll get through this though dude, imo theres only room to improve from here on out

Hey man you've got a lot of replies but if you're still looking for more I would send you the way of the Lion's Mane mushroom. It stimulates the release of Nerve Growth Factor which theoretically could help a lot with repairing your damaged axons/neurons.

I have taken this mushroom over a period of about a month myself and noticed some amazing things. Most notably was the reduction of the anxiety I battle with on a daily basis. I just felt more 'in control'. Also, it prevents against alcohol hangovers and made smoking marijuana more enjoyable for me (post MDMA abuse I get anxiety like a mofo when I smoke weed). I also noticed another thing....I would get songs stuck in my head a lot more frequently; this is a good thing. I realized that post MDMA use I had been sort of ...empty, if you will, in my head. Not many emotions, not much feeling, just not much there you know? After the mushroom...my brain feels alive again, I'm constantly thinking and feeling and having stuff going on up there, and I love it

Anyway man, check out the link. This is a truly amazing medicine.