Earthcore: the weekend of my life that almost took my life (Real long)

Before I start do not think this is an anti drugs post because its not, if there is one thing I love doing its experimenting with drugs. The feelings and places they take you weather be good or bad is completely unexplainable and as individual as you and I.
I have been experimenting with drugs for over 5 years and consider myself to be fairly knowledgeable when it comes to knowing my limits and doing my research before I use them.
My reasoning for posting this is for as many opinions you can throw at me good or bad I want it all. Why? Because im more confused now than I have been in my life and neither parents or close friends can help me out because they have never been there before.
A three day party in the middle of the bush was where myself and four of my best mates began to have the weekend of all weekends. Day one was consisted of numerous lines of speed GHB and for them an assortment of beans. (being on anti D's i was unable to indulge in beans) yet came prepared with GHB, speed and some very nice K pills - Dancenets, which im sure you have all heard of.
Throughout the entire second night (6pm- 4am) i had consumed approx: half to 3/4 gram of speed and 3 dancenets, 1 i ate and others bumped, and 1.75 ml of G early on in the evening. And although i had dug myself in to the deepest hole i had ever been in i was loving every second of it.
The morning came and it was time for me to get some sleep after i began to come down so i could drive home. Not wanting to take any of the vals i had in my pocket due to my breathing being quite depressed to begin with, i crashed with a friend in the car and tried to get some shut eye.. then all the fun began.the paranoia had begun to overcome me. It wasnt the first time it had happened this being more like the 3rd or 4th. and although i was watching my friends put in so much effort to calm me down it didn’t happen.
Before i knew it the ambos were there and i had gone into complete panic attack that basically took me to another planet and back I could not unclench my arms and legs which scared the shit out of me even more. Over fifteen minuets of utmost paranoia and scared of the only person that could help me- myself. The ride to the hospital with my best friend massaging my head to calm me down, and the ambo asking me questions that I knew all the answers to and knowing that I could do anything he wanted me to calm down but refusing to do anything but purposely make it worse scared the absolute shit out of me but for some reason i wanted it to be worse. My heart rate flew past 130 and my breathing was even faster. I was then put into the cardiac unit and was told that i nearly died, but from what i feel i was completely in control and i kept telling my self i wanted to get worse and it happened. The minute i told my self to calm down i would.
It took over 2 hours in the ER for the doctors to be able to safely pump me full of Valium to calm me down. In the background I could hear them in amazement saying they had never seen one person take so much valium iv before and still be awake and yelling and screaming like I was abusing doctors and nurses for taking me to hospital when all I wanted to be was out, which caused more panic and the vicious circle goes on.
It has been 3 days now since it happened and I have just got out of bed for the first time. Everybody who knew I took drugs is in more shock than I am and everyone who didn’t know (i.e. parents and friends parents know) and also know their sons takes drugs. I have got allot of people into allot of trouble. My parents think I am an addict but I know for a fact that im not. I do not need drugs to get me through the day I take them for recreational purposes because im curious. and i can stop at any time even though ill miss them i can live without them.
Now my dilemma starts. As I said I love to experiment but seeing all the pain I put my best friends and family through is something I don’t want to do again. I have lost my Girlfriend over the experience and now Everyone is asking me if I learnt my lesson and yes I have, but will it stop me form taking drugs? I do not know. For the time being it will, to give me time to sort out my life and put things into perspective. But for ever that is a question I do not know and can not answer.
Now I know that it sounds really stupid and fucking insane but looking back on that night I had the time of my life whilst I was peeking harder than ever before, and also for some strange reason I enjoyed the rush that the near death experience gave me and for some reason I want it to happen again, just so that I know in my mind I have the power to overcome it if I want to, but for some reason I never can when it happens... Also the idea of giving up forever scared me a bit not necause i need them but because it is something i have grown to enjoy and appreciate every experience for what it is.
Please let me know what you think all criticism and comments welcome thanks for reading such a long post.
Mods please feel free to move this if it doesnt belong here just thought opions from people whom may have seen me flipping out on sunday could give me some advice.

wow. First thing - I'm glad you're okay, physically speaking.
Sounds like you had a bit of a bing on the weekend and you sound like you enjoyed it. But was it worth?
Freaked out your family? Freaked out your friends? Lost your girlfriend?! That should have put things into perspective. Oh yeah, your almost died too. hmmm.
In my opinon, no experience is worth losing those things.
Quit drugs? Nah, just don't go over doing. 5 years experience doesn't preclude you from doing stupid things.

Thankyou for sharing that...
Last year at earthcore in February (the same one as this one technically) I too had a scary experience with drugs and also posted about it (click here to read it - it's in the archive).
I still remember that night clearly, and it's made an effect on me even to this day. I guess the only reason I'm saying this is because I found that an experience like this which can be taken so negatively can also have the potential for so much positive too. I'm not trying to compare stories as every situation is totally different, but please make sure you get something positive out of this. Everything we do is a learning experience.
Best of luck - hope you pull out of this OK and keep everything as together as you can.

kandy glad to hear your OK,pleo .just read the old thread,.it makes you think twice,

This is pretty intresting. It seems sligtly similar to an experience I had the morning after a night on ketamine.
The trip report got cleared in the thread purging so...
Basically what happened to me was a 1 1/2 hour long panic attack. It got so bad that I almost lost control of my bladder.(sorry, you probably didn't need to know that.)
I think I know exactly what you were thinking when you were yelling to get out of the hospital.
Because a hospital is going to make you feel like you're dying right? And to get calm you need to get out of the hospital right? But they won't let you out of the hospital. and because they wont let you out it feels like you're in an even more serious condition. And the anxiety caused by that puts you in an even more serious condition...and then you realise that to calm down you need to get out of the hospital...
I'm presuming a lot here. I mean, I'm just guessing that we went through anything vauguely similar. But, if we did...
I think you'll be fine. Possibly even stronger. Tell your family and friends that you just had an extreme anxiety attack caused by drugs. I'm sure they'll be understanding.
Um...Can I just ask a few questions about what happened? I don't mean to be nosy, I'm just interested.
Did everything in your field of view become bright?
Did your perephiral vision seem better?
Was it just like a huge rush of adrenalin.
If I'm totally off the mark, just forget anything I've said. If our experiences sound similar, say so, and I give you my theroy on why it happened.

Cancle Its almost exactly as you say and yes to all your questions the most increadable rush of your life, to the point where i felt my body floting off the ground eventhough i had come down off the k it was a totally differeint feeling, my soul had somehow left me untill i realised how much of a wanker i must have looked like and i came back down to earth again.
The thing is that i have learnt something, that in the end its not worth doing drugs if it effects so many other people and to continue down the path i was going would be selfish. But then again for some strange reason id love to do it all over again that is if it didnt effect anyone like it has, but the reality is that it does, and well as selfish as i may have been to do it once i dont want to do it to anyone again..
But what can i do, i want the experience of drugs in my life i dont want to give them up forever but then again i dont want to disapoint every body around me and lie to them by saying that i will never do them again. To see the heartach i gave my parents and girlfriend hurts alot and to have them tell me that they feel used and walked over makes me ashamed of what i have done, but then again as Pleonastic said everything is a learning experience.. as is the fact that we are messing around with chemicals that effect one of the most important parts of our body: our brain.
Everybody keeps telling that there is a better life without drugs i would be a better person without them, but i dont see how! I have lived a life with out them before and things seem no better at all.
I know i will be giving them up for a long time but just how long i dont know. Even though my GF has taken them with me in the past she wants nothing to do with me untill she knows i have thrown them in forever. Just a case of you cant have your cake and eat it as well. For myself this is the hardest decision of my life the decision of telling everyone i have stopped and trully mean it or lie to them in the knowing that one day even if it is years down the track i will indulge again.
The only other good thing that came out of this is when the psychologist came in to discharge me she brought info on the drugs i had taken, only to leave saying " you are a very smart person who did a stupid thing, the only problem i have is that you know more about the chemicals you took than any one in my position would know, it seems you take as many precautions as you can to take drugs if you take them" This made me proud of myself and proud that i had gone to the effort of educating myself about the drugs i had taken. Its sites like this that answered alot of my questions and has given me alot of my knowledge, and it has really come in handy when i have had to save others lives eventhough they may not have realised it!!! Its the precautions we all have to take.
Sorry about the messyness of this post but i am so confused at the moment i dont know what to think and basically its making my anxiety worse if anything. Thanks for your replys please keep em coming
[ 17 April 2002: Message edited by: kandy andy ]
[ 17 April 2002: Message edited by: kandy andy ]

Andy,
I'm probably the least qualified person here to offer any advice to you. I wish you all the luck in the world.
I would also like to extend my sympathy to you. I wouldn't wish the experience you've had upon anyone in the world. If everything goes all right you'll come out a stronger person. Perhaps you should take a break from drugs just to give yourself more time to decide what you need to do. Don't try and make big decisions while you're still recovering.
On the physical aspect...
While I am still uncertain why this occurs. It seems that we have both unwittingly managed to play prey to a trigger happy 'Locus Ceruleus'.

The locus ceruleus is the part of the brain that triggers a response to danger. It's like our brain's alarm system. People who get panic attacks can be thought of as unwittingly sending alarms to this part of the brain. A trigger-happy locus ceruleus could wreak havoc with a person's perspective.
This is your thread so I'm not going to post much more, but if you intrested check these things out...
BioChem of Panic
Symptoms of panic.
Fight or Flight.
I beleive my ordeal was caused by NMDA inhibiting drugs, that's just speculation on my part, but, yeah. I've stopped using DXM and Nitrous.
Good Luck and all the best.

Click to expand...

Kandy Andy I sympathise with your situation, and hope you find strength from it.
I do believe I saw the ambulance enter and leave on Sunday, I remember wondering what (and who) had gone wrong. In response though I can only pass on some words from someone much wiser and intuitive than myself;
"When you can be still within yourself, it will come to you."
It may not sound like much, but it changed my perspective on myself & life. I am pleased that you are already learning from your experience, that sounds like the first step.
Having said that, It sounds like you had one hell of a big weekend and i'm sure that you know the possible implications of the mix of those drugs.
Would you ever advise someone else to take that variety/quantity of drugs?? If not, why do it to yourself? Maybe to find where your limit is?
Yes I understand that but I don't understand why you would want to go there again.
Are you undergoing counselling for your depression? Do you think your drug(k,g,speed) use is related to your depression?
What I'm trying to ascertain is how do you find yourself in this situation, asking yourself these questions and do you think that you still have an objective opinion to your situation???
I ask these questions with the greatest of respect and hope they are not offensive, as that is not my intention.
om shanti
[ 18 April 2002: Message edited by: RAveDuST ]

Ravedust, I was with another mate that had basically the same concoction as me but added some md into the equasion, and to be honest with you we had the time of our lives and will be speaking of it for years to come so in that sence its up to ones own self to determine where there limits are at.. I did know where mine were at but i obviously got caught up in the moment and went to far, considering i was on the comedown from the k and basically all that was left was the speed to get me through the morning.
I was fine untill one split second of uncertanty entered my mind and well obviously an unstable mind in that state can take matters into its own hands which is what has happened (and has done so in the past) What i put it down to is inexperience in controling my mind as this has proved to me when trying to control my anxiety when i am straight.
Why would i do it again you ask, well i have learnt not to put loved ones in so much pain as i have so i wont. But looking back i has the most intence trip i could ever have had, I guess you could say i saw the light at the end of the tunnel and it was a nice place. Just like your first pill you know its a place you would some day like to return to, hence the reason you drop another time. It sounds stupid but its like trying to explain to someone who has never taken anything what it is like..
I have been visiting a head doc for some months now for anxiety but never told him what i was doing so now he knows because the hospital rang him to see what meds i was on, so the visits will now continue and will now obviously conclude that my anxiety is due to my drug taking to a great extent..
hope that answers ya questions, would love to hear what others have to say as well...
sorry bout the messy spelling

^^I wouldn't be so sure that it was one moment of uncertainty or inexperience that made stuff bad. It may have been brain chemistry fuck up stuff, which is impossible to talk yourself out of.

This goes towards my personal theory with drugs: less is more. Its like drinking... 6 beers at a party you will have a drunken good time, 12 beers you will be falling down ill, feeling like sh~t. Same at a club/rave: 1/2 a good pill can be enough sometimes, with the added bonus you dont fry your brain as much. Enjoy the music and surroundings... earthcore is trippy enough as it is lol...
I don't know what it is about teh human psyche that makes you want to keep taking more and more and more... its one of those things you have to watch... it can get to a self-destruction stage i guess.... meh
Thanks for sharing this story eh

yeah i guess your right shifty, but sometimes its like a box of pringles: once you pop you just cant stop..... you just have to learn to control ya mind every once in a while i guess. thanks for the advice..