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Sick, Twisted & Wrong Jokes - Part II

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Pleonastic

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Sep 11, 2000
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OK... the other thread is way too long, so here's Part II...
Thing is with this thread, now that it's a brand new thread people are going to end up posting a lot of the same jokes all over again. So before posting in here, take a few minutes (hours?) to read the original thread first and see if someone's done your joke already.
This is the original "Sick, Twisted & Wrong Jokes" thread - read this one first!
And the following is from the original thread, and still applies here:
This thread is a challenge to everyone out there to see who can come up with the most sick, twisted, filthy, disgusting, so wrong it should not be told, rotten joke.
The disclaimer for the thread is that you read these at your own risk - if you are likely to be offended by sick jokes then don't read them :) . Remember that the author of a joke does not necessarily hold the same sort of beliefs, so try not to flame people if you do get offended. And please don't go too far - whilst I am opening a floodgate of sorts here, at least make sure they are slightly funny ;) .Enjoy! :)
[Old topic moved to the archives... link updated - Jakoz :) ]
[ 18 September 2002: Message edited by: Jakoz ]
 
3 aussies and 3 kiwis were going to a conference by train. the 3 kiwis all bought tickets, and the kiwis only bought one ticket. The aussies didn't understand why and asked the kiwi's "How are you supposed to get there with only one ticket??" and the kiwis said "just wait and see.' So they all got on the train. The aussies sat down and watched as the kiwis crammed all three of them into a small bathroom. The train started moving and then the ticket collector came along and knocked on the door of the toilet and said "Ticket please." and out from the toilet came a hand with the ticket. The aussies were very impressed. So on their way back from the conference the aussies decided to only buy one ticket and the kiwis didn't buy any! The aussies were puzzled and asked how they were gonna get home with no ticket. They told them to just wait and see. So they all got on the train and the two groups crammed into two small bathrooms. As soon as the train had started moving, one of the kiwi's got out of the bathroom and knocked on the door of the bathroom that the aussies were in and said "Ticket please"
-----
A representative of the Jewish heritage organization devoted his life to finding
Hitler, believing he had never actually died. One day he got a tip-off that Hitler
was living on a tropical island in the Caribbean. He immediately got on a plane and
inquired about his exact whereabouts. Then, having landed and searched about,
he caught sight of a man sitting in a hammock in front of a huge mansion. He
immediately recognised him as Hitler and affronted him:
"I know who you are....." to which the man replied:
"I killed six million Jews - and six hairdressers..." The representative was baffled:
"Six hairdressers?" he said, puzzled,
"Ah" said Hitler, slamming his fist on the table, " I told you no-one cared about
the Jews!"
------
On his death bed John O'Malley a stalwart protestant all his life called for his beloved wife margret. "Maggie, I need ya to do me one last thing before I go off to see me maker..." "Anything John, what is it?" "You have to get a priest fromt he catholic church and have him convert me." "But John, you've been a protestant all your life. You hate the catholics why on earth would you want your last act in this world to be that?" "I'd rather see one of them die than one of ours!"
---------
John gets a call from his blonde girlfriend, Buffy. "I've got a problem," says Buffy. "What's the matter?" asks John. "Well, I've bought this jigsaw puzzle, but it's too hard. None of the pieces fit together and I can't find any edges." "What's the picture of?" asks John. "It's of a big rooster," replies Buffy. "All right," says John, "I'll come over and have a look." So he goes over to Buffy's house. Buffy leads John into her kitchen and shows him the jigsaw on the kitchen table. John looks at the jigsaw and then turns to Buffy and says, "For Pete's sake - put the corn flakes back in the box."
--------
A mathematician, an accountant and an economist apply for the same job.
The interviewer calls in the mathematician and asks "What do two plus two equal?" The mathematician replies "Four." The interviewer asks "Four, exactly?" The mathematician looks at the interviewer incredulously and says "Yes, four, exactly."
Then the interviewer calls in the accountant and asks the same question "What do two plus two equal?" The accountant says "On average, four - give or take ten percent, but on average, four."
Then the interviewer calls in the economist and poses the same question "What do two plus two equal?" The economist gets up, locks the door, closes the shade, sits down next to the interviewer and says "What do you want it to equal?"
-----------
Q: How Many Microsoft Engineers Does It Take To Change A Light Bulb?
A: None. Microsoft Will Announce That Darkness Is The New Standard.
What's the difference between Mick Jagger and a Scotsman?
Mick Jagger says, "Hey you! Get off of my cloud."
And the Scotsman says, "Hey McCloud! Get off of my ewe!"
How do you kill a dumb blond?
Put a scratch-and-sniff sticker on the bottom of a pool
What should you do if a blonde throws a pin at you?
Run! She has a grenade in her mouth!
What's grey?
A melted penguin.
What do Asians do when they have erections?
Vote.
How many Aborigines does it take to change a light bulb?
Five, one to hold the light bulb and four to drink until the room starts spinning.
Why is a paedophile like a turtle?
Because he gets there before the hare.
What's the hardest thing about cooking vegetables?
Getting their wheelchairs in the oven.
How can you tell if you have a high sperm count?
Your girlfriend chews before swallowing.
Why aren't there any aboriginals on the starship enterprise?
They obviously don't work in the future either.
The girl asked her lover, "Darling, if we get engaged will you give me a ring?" "Sure!" Replied her lover, "What's your phone number?"
Two fish in a tank, one turns to the other and says, "Crap Mate!! I hope you know how to drive this thing!"........
Two Peanuts crossed the street; one was assaulted.
The other was turned into peanut butter - making it assault and buttery.
Then the cops came and everything went nuts.
Yo mommas' like a hockey goalie.....she wears the same pads for three periods..........
Two vomits walking down the street when one starts to cry, when asked "Why the tears?" by the other. He replied, "See that pub over there! That's where i was brought up!"..........
[ 06 February 2002: Message edited by: liquidocean ]
 
A guy says to his wife, "I'm in the mood for some 69."
She says, "It's that time of the month, but if you don't care, I don't care."
They go into the bedroom, and are 69'ing like mad dogs when the doorbell rings.
She says, "Answer the door."
He says, "But my face is a mess."
She says, "It's just the postman. Answer the door, and if he says anything, just tell him you were eating a jam sandwich."
He opens the door and says, "I'm sorry about my mouth, I was eating a jam sandwich."
The mailman says, "I wasn't looking at the jam on your mouth...I was looking at the peanut butter on your forehead."
----------------------------------------------
A girl goes up to her father one night and says, "Dad, can I have the car tonight?"
Her father looks at her thoughtfully and says, "Sure, if you give me a blowjob."
So the girl puts his penis in her mouth and almost immediately spits it back out.
"Your penis tastes like shit!" she cries.
"Oh yeah," her father replied, "I forgot I loaned the car to your brother tonight."
----------------------------------------------
This guy is sitting in his living room surfing the channels on the television. All of a sudden, the door of the apartment whips open and his girlfriend storms through.
She screams, "You fucking asshole!" and she heads into the bedroom.
Stunned, the man flips off the television and walks toward the bedroom, wondering, "Now what have I done?"
Inside the bedroom he finds the girl furiously packing a suitcase. He asks her what's up. She responds with a hiss, "My therapist says that I should leave you and that you're a pedophile!"
The man responds, "Wow, you're pretty smart for a 12 year old."
-------------------------------------------------
Bruce comes home one day and says to his lover, "Please do me a favor. It feels like something's stuck up my ass. Could you check it out for me?"
His roommate lubes up his finger (mercifully) and shoves it up Bruce's ass, feeling all around, and says, "I don't feel anything."
Bruce says, "Trust me, there's something up there. Try lubing up your whole hand and checking it out."
So his roommate lubes his whole hand and sticks it up Bruce's ass. He feels around, and then pulls out a Rolex watch.
He says, "I found your problem. There was a watch stuck up your ass."
Bruce starts singing, "Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you..."
------------------------------------------------
 
Whats the difference between an oyster shucker and a nymphomaniac homosexual with diarrhoea?
One shucks between the fits and the other fucks between the shits
ba-boom
 
In a redneck family, the brother and the sister are fucking. He looks at her and says "Fuck sis... youre an even better root than mum!".
She looks back at him, smiles and says "Yeah... dad says that too." :)
 
see pleo, close the main thread, and u get hardly anyone posting in this one!
shoulda left it open for a record or something man
anyways here is my joke...
Things you learn from watching porn:
1. Women wear high heels to bed.
2. Men are never impotent.
3. When going down on a woman 10 seconds is more than satisfactory.
4. If a woman gets busted masturbating by a strange man, she will not scream with embarrassment, but rather insist he have sex with her.
5. Women smile appreciatively when men splat them in the face with sperm.
6. Women enjoy having sex with ugly middle-aged men.
7. Women moan uncontrollably when giving a blow job.
8. Women always orgasm when men do.
9. A blow job will always get a woman off a speeding ticket.
10. All women are noisy fucks.
11. People in the 70's couldn't fuck unless there was a wild guitar solo in the background.
12. Those tits are real.
13. A common and enjoyable sexual practice for a man is to take his half-erect penis and slap it repeatedly on a woman's butt.
14. Men always groan 'OH YEAH' when they cum.
15. If there is two of them they 'high five' each other. (and the girl isn't disgusted!)
16. Double penetration makes women smile.
17. Asian men don't exist.
18. If you come across a guy and his girlfriend having sex in the bushes the boyfriend won't bash seven shades of shit out of you if you shove your cock in his girlfriend's mouth.
19. There's a plot.
20. When taking a woman from behind, a man can really excite a woman by giving her a gentle slap on the ass.
21. Nurses suck patients cocks.
22. Men always pull out.
23. When your girlfriend busts you getting head from her best friend, she'll only be momentarily pissed off before fucking both of you.
24. Women never have headaches.
25. When a woman is sucking a man's cock, it's important for him to remind her to 'suck it'
26. Assholes are clean.
27. A man ejaculating on a woman's butt is a satisfying result for all parties concerned.
28. Women always look pleasantly surprised when they open a man's pants and find a cock there.
29. Men don't have to beg.
30. When standing during a blow job, a man will always place one hand firmly on the back of the kneeling woman's head and the other proudly on his hip.
31. Pigtails = handlebars.
 
After sifting through the barrage of degrading, disgusting, and dispicable jokes I'm truely appauled but none the less impressed. There's only one thing left to do: offer a salute via my own modest contribution.
First a few words of wisdom.
Confucius say: "woman who sit on judges lap get honourable discharge"
Confucius say: "woman who sit on jockeys lap get hot tip!"
An old postitute hails a cab. After getting in she instructs the driver to take her home to her appartment. Upon arriving at the destination the driver stops the meter looks into the rear vision mirror and says, "That'll be $11.50 lady".
Not saying a word the postitute slowly opens her legs and smiles, to which the driver replies, "Have you got anything smaller?"
 
One day there is this farmer, and he has 29 female pigs and one male pig, and all he asks is that 1 male pig decide on who it wants that way it breeds and makes more pigs.
Unfortunatley the male pig had never decided and all the pigs did all day long was just lay down in the mud and sleep.
So he goes up to his mate lookin really down and his mate goes to him "what's up mate?" he says "i'm gettin sick of this shit, i want my pigs to breed but all they do is lie down and sleep!" so his mate goes "oh well, fuck em yourself!" the farmer looks confused and his mate says once again "i've done it! trust me it's good fun! if they are pregnant they will roll around in the mud but if they're not they will just sleep" so the farmer goes "yeah, yeah that's a good idea!!"
Farmer goes home and makes sure the wife isn't home, then lines up all the female pigs at the back of the truck and starts rooting them all 1 by 1. next morning dead tired, wakes up runs to the window to see if they are rolling around in the mud, but they're not. still sleeping.
So he lines em all up at the back of the truck again when his wife goes out and starts fucking them all 1 by 1, next morning, gets up and looks out the window to see if there is any progress? none..
Farmer starts to think, "hrmm, i don't get it, maybe i should try fucking them 2 times each?" so what does this sick bastard do? he fucks them 2 times each 1 by 1 in the back of the truck again when the wife isn't home!
Next morning he wakes up and see's his wife looking out the window with a very concerned look on her face, and he goes to her, "are the pigs diong anythign!!!?" she goes "yes,...they're diong something strange..." so he says "what are they doing?" and she goes "they're all lined up at the back of the truck and there's one pig in the front honking the horn!!!!"
__________________________________________________
One day The President, Michael Jackson, and the Queen are on a plane that is about to go down and crash with 30 other kids. They all get in a panic and the queen finds 3 parashoutes and goes "well i need this because i am the queen of england" and the president grabs one and goes "i need this because i am the president of the united states america!" then michael jackson grabs one and says "i need one coz i am the king of pop...........but mr president, what do we do about the kids?? the kids we need the kids!!" so the president says "OH FUCK THE KIDS!" so michael jackson says back "but sir, we can't! we don't have time!"
__________________________________________________
why did the girl fall off the monkey bars??
Coz she had no arms!
Why did the boy fall off his bike?
Coz somebody threw a fridge at him!
Why did the fridge fall off it's bike?
Coz somebody threw a boy at it!
[ 13 March 2002: Message edited by: jermz ]
 
I have no jokes to contribute to this thread but it kills me to watch it fall down past the 5th page - so i'm bringing it back :)
Oh yeah and BUMP :)
 
why is there no such thing as bestialic necrophilia?
... cos youd just be flogging a dead horse
 
Nick the Dragon Slayer was an official in King Arthur's court. He had a long-standing obsession to caress the beautiful Queen's voluptuous
breasts, but he knew the penalty for this would be death. One day he revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, who was the King's chief doctor.
Horatio the Physician exclaimed that he could arrange for Nick the Dragon Slayer to satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1,000 gold coins to arrange it. Without pause, Nick the Dragon Slayer readily agreed to have Horatio the Physician arrange it and that he would gladly pay the 1,000 gold coins for the chance to satisfy his desires for the Queen.
The next day, Horatio the Physician made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's massive brassiere while she was
taking a bath. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio the Physician informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for several hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick the Dragon Slayer had present the antidote to curb the itch.
King Arthur quickly summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer. Horatio the Physician then slipped Nick the Dragon Slayer the antidote for the itching powder, which he quickly put it into his mouth, and for the next four hours, worked passionately on the Queen's voluptuous and magnificent breasts. The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick the Dragon Slayer left satisfied and as a hero.
Upon returning to his chamber, Nick the Dragon Slayer found Horatio the Physician demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick the Dragon Slayer could have cared less, and knowing that Horatio the physician could never report this matter to the King, shooed him away with no payment made.
The next day, Horatio the Physician slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into King Arthur's loincloth. King Arthur quickly summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer and for the next several hours ...
 
YAY! sick jokes!
A friend told me this joke a few years ago and it made me sick, so i shall share it with you all now...(the one after this is funny tho)
whats the difference between menstrual blood and sand?
you cant gargle sand.
************************************************
One morning an elderly couple were sitting at the breakfast table eating their porridge. The old lady looked cheekily at her hubby and said "you remember when we used to do breakfast in the nude?" The old man looks away dreamily and exclaims "aawh, dem were the good old days"
After a while more eating porridge, the old lady smirks and asks her hubby "so, you wanna?" and the old man replies "im up for it if you are, honey"
so they to their seperate rooms, take off their clothes and come back out to the breakfast table in the nude.
They keep eyeing eachother off and making suggestive signs at eachother for a while, then the old lady says dreamily "oooh, my nipples are getting hot for you!" her hubby looks at her and says...
"thats cos youve got one in your porridge and one in your cup of tea!"
*badoom-ching!*
Andromeda :)
 
at a recovery at blinks while lying on a pile of pillows these 2 scat jokes came up:
why did the girl fall off the swing?
cause she was a snake!!! haha
why did the plane crash?
cause the pilot was a loaf of bread!!!
*points finger at schizo,insomnia and blink*
hahaha...you guys are scatheads
 
>News Flash
>Apparently the South Africans are having difficulty cremating Hansie.
>No-one is prepared to throw the match.
 
Not sure if this one has been done before, but anyway.
Jake and Harry have been hiking in the hills for days and they have now got to the point where they are sick of each others company. Harry suggests that they each go seperate ways and bush bash their way to the next camp point. Jake says "fine, maybe then you'll have something intersting to say for a change".
Time passes and eventually Harry and Jake meet up at the next camp point.
Jake - "so what do you get up to?".
Harry - "Apart from finding some magic mushies, not much. Yourself?"
Jake - "I found a train line with a girl tied to the tracks. So I untied her and had sex with her for hours."
Harry - "No way! Did you get a head job?"
Jake - "Nope, I couldn't find the head."
*yeeeewwwww*
 
plazma told me this one today on IRC, and i had to post it up here... ROFL
This guy is sitting in his living room surfing the channels on the television. All of a sudden, the door of the apartment whips open and his girlfriend storms through.
She screams, "You fucking asshole!" and she heads into the bedroom.
Stunned, the man flips off the television and walks toward the bedroom, wondering, "Now what have I done?"
Inside the bedroom he finds the girl furiously packing a suitcase. He asks her what's up. She responds with a hiss, "My therapist says that I should leave you and that you're a pedophile!"
The man responds, "Wow, you're pretty smart for a 12 year old."
 
^^^Dude, repost!!!
You need to read the thread.
Love it though
 
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