View Full Version : suicide - the only escape?

16-10-2006, 23:17
Dear bluelighters,

warning: this may seem like alot of rambling but i'm just writing my thoughts. thanks for taking your time to read my post.

I come to you in a time of need. At this point in my life, I feel like I am going nowhere. I'm a junior in highschool - I've never had a serious girlfriend, I don't give a damn about school, (even though somehow i've managed to keep a 3.4) my friends talk sh*t about me and nothing seems to be going right in my life. In fact, the only thing that is consistant in my life is my drug use. I'm not a hardcore druggy, but i've been taking benzos for about 2 years, and smoking a hell of alot of weed.

I am going completely insane. I find it hard to talk to even my best friend these days, as I've grown extremely anxious about even the silliest situations. I don't know whats wrong with me, somethings changed though. the only time I feel that I can communicate with people in a normal manner is when im high on benzos. its the only thing that gives me the confidence to speak my mind, and as much as I may seem like an idiot sometimes, I'd rather anything than being sober. I told my psychiatrist most of this, and he hasn't been much help. he prescribed me zoloft, which compeltely killed my libido. then he put me on Wellbutrin which also caused me to commit suicide, and now I'm on lexapro, which doesn't seem to be helping much.

More about my benzo usage: I've been taking ativan (2mg pills) for about a year. before that I was eating 10mg valiums. It all started with a bottle of my brother's xanax, and now i'm hooked. I find its the only thing thats on my mind throughout the schoolday. either how i'm looking forward to my next dosage, or how im enjoying my current dose. I knew what I was getting myself into a year ago, i've been browsing these forums for a long time. I knew they were addictive, and I knew the withdrawals can be deadly. I knew beginning this habit I was playing with fire, and now i'm burnt. i'm a burnout. in school im either complaining about how much i wanna leave, or sleeping. (sober)

Now to top it all off, i find myself thinking about suicide. I think that its the only escape to this cruel world. in fact, the only thing stopping me from doing it right now is I don't want to hurt my mother. I understand this type of thinking is wrong, but its uncontrollable. its the only thing I can think of doing to end my seemingly endless torment. that or more benzos. I can't stand this life, I find myself hoping that maybe I just won't wake up. maybe I'll get in a car crash and i'll be set free.

Someone help me, I don't know how much longer I can endure these thoughts, and this shitty existence :(

16-10-2006, 23:21
Stop taking the meds, keep smoking weed. Go to a green field and eat five grams of mushrooms look up to the sky and say "show me."

16-10-2006, 23:41
Well suicide is certainly an escape from this cruel world, but so would be kicking it Thoreau style and being a hermit who lives in the woods. Sounds silly but I think about that sometimes when I am really depressed, because living like that would take away most of the things that get me down in the first place. But than again, I don't mind the solitude, if you do than that obviously is not the answer for you.

And also, if you love the weed so much, make sure you find a nice isolated place in the woods to live, and smoke up all you want and enjoy nature. That should do wonders to make you happy and appreciate the beauty of life.


16-10-2006, 23:53
As for me I would like to ask how close you and your mother are? I mean, do you guys have a good relationship? Are your parents still together or is your mother doing it on her own? What things do you enjoy, I mean do you have any sibblings or close family to you? I need to get a little more back ground so we can chat a minute.....:\

17-10-2006, 01:08
Try Psychedelics, seriously.

They aren't addicting, non-toxic to the body, etc and Psychedelics have a very positive impact on many peoples lives including helping to quit previous addictions.

Get a few hits of acid and have a blast.

17-10-2006, 01:16
i disagree to some degree, smoking pot when i was severly depressed only increased my sucidial thoughts, i quit the SSRI's, and dropped the pot head friends that didn't care about me other than if i had chip in's for a bag... If you are willing to drop the Benzo's, maybe try one week without the weed too. If it gets too much i do agree with the mushrooms idea, or if you are able.. grab a dose of molly and see how beautiful the world can be while rolling.

17-10-2006, 01:25
Me and a group of my friends were planning to try acid... I've shroomed before and it was a truely enlightening experience, you really think acid is a good idea though? Look what it did to syd... ;)

17-10-2006, 01:30
and Stella: I used to have a really good relationship with my mom but over the last year its really deterirorated. i like to blame it on the drugs. I have two brothers, 1 who is autistic. My other brother lives in california so I don't get to talk to him much anymore though. I miss him man, he slapped me around, kept me in line. I wish he'd move back.

17-10-2006, 01:30
Me and a group of my friends were planning to try acid... I've shroomed before and it was a truely enlightening experience, you really think acid is a good idea though? Look what it did to syd... ;)
Syd was by no means a Psychonaut.

Abuse drugs and they'll abuse you.

17-10-2006, 01:35
yeah, you're right. Syd had preexisting mental problems, but if you think about it... so do I. no schizophrenia or anything but I'm a crazy guy! just watching out anyway ;)

17-10-2006, 01:39
You're only problem is you're addicted to benzo's. Man up and go to rehab, or slowly wean yourself off. It sounds like you are going into mania because of withdrawal, that's all this is.

Don't take acid, that is a very moronic idea for you right now (you might kill yourself just to get out of a manic acid high). I say this being a supporter of psychedelic therapy too. Ketamine would probably be a safer one for you at this time.

Just concentrate on getting off the benzo's, it's not easy but you are young so you still have plenty of time to fuck them biatches :D

17-10-2006, 01:44
Yeah, I agree man. I want to quit these benzos, but I feel like I've taken so many that its become my personality. i wish i could find a way to relieve my anxiety without pills. without them in social situations im a freak.

and just a little extra about weed, I don't even really enjoy it anymore. in fact, it usually induces my anxiety. I just do it because I can, and I don't have many other things to do.

17-10-2006, 01:53
seeing as you are already addicted to tranqulizers you should probably avoid getting into ketamine...

and i highly doubt psychadellics will magically cure your depression/depandancy

my only advice is to slowly wean yourself off the benzos and then slowly stop smoking pot...

small steps though

and yea...life may be shitty, but there are good things about it...and if you kill yourself then that's it man...you don't get to expirience any of the good stuff ever again...

17-10-2006, 02:08
staypuft, if I give up benzos and weed I don't think there'll be anything to look forward to anymore. sad but true, yeah.

17-10-2006, 02:13
my only advice is to slowly wean yourself off the benzos and then slowly stop smoking pot...

small steps though

i agree.it won't be so hard to fix since you are young.

17-10-2006, 09:03
staypuft, if I give up benzos and weed I don't think there'll be anything to look forward to anymore. sad but true, yeah.
Only because you've allowed your life to become so boring in the first place! Think of all the great shit you can do when you're not drugged all the time just to feel normal!!!

I used to be so anxious and paranoid that I couldn't even order a pizza delivery. I literally couldn't even pick up the phone because the idea of talking to a stranger scared the living shit out of me. I was a shy-ass, boring motherfucker because I lived in fear of everyone at all times. Where the fuck is the fun in that? So one day I decided that the bullshit was over. I sucked it up, and forced myself to start talking to people. I don't mean like sitting down with a complete stranger and having a half hour conversation or anything, you have to start with baby steps. I started by trying to say hi to people three times a day. Just hi, that's it. Then I bumped it up to five. Then after I was able to do that, I started trying to make small talk with a couple people each day. Then it was on to *gasp* ordering delivery food and talking with random people in school and at concerts or in line for whatever. And eventually it all got really easy. People who meet me now would NEVER in a million years guess that I'm actually "the shy girl." It's usually quite the opposite. Once you hit a certain threshold, it all becomes easy, and it's really, really liberating. Then you can really have fun.

Every once in a while I still get nervous pangs, especially when making phone calls (I don't know why that was always a trigger with me) or if I'm talking to someone I don't know well one-on-one, but the feelings fade and pass, and it's like it never happened. No trauma afterwards like there used to be... No it isn't easy, but yes, it is worth it.

17-10-2006, 09:12
Suicide is about the most selfish thing in the world you hurt everyone who loves you when all you can think about is how bad your life is . Think about how bad other people all over the world have it then compare it to your life. You only have 1 chance in this world make it better for yourself only you can do it. Trust me theres always a brighter day:)

17-10-2006, 10:09
Therapy! Have you been seeing a counsellor/psychotherapist or anyone similar? You need to talk about everything and clear it up in your head.

I would aim to cut down on the weed, then start weaning yourself off benzos. Imo it would be the weed that was contributing to your anxiety and social problems.

Try to think about what you want so you have something to work towards. You need something to focus on, whether it be school, doing well in exams, meeting new people, spending more times with friends, playing a sport, getting fit, socialising with girls etc etc. This way you can help distract yourself from a life revolving around drugs. This isn't going to be easy though, as you say you have been taking benzos for 2 years or so.

There is also the question of whether your antidepressent is contributing to your suicidal idealation, seeing as SSRIs can increase suicidal behavior. Your G.P/psychiatrist should be monitoring this though.

All the best, and I'm sorry you're in such a hard place at the moment <3

17-10-2006, 10:17
bro therapy + look at the bright side of everything.. i once considered suicide.. but once u start looking at the world with a open mind u realise that you can start a new life and meet new people and escape from drugs and atleast moderate your use. suicide seems like the easy way out but thats ebcause your looking at the world with a narrow view bro. peace. and stay safe.

essex boy
17-10-2006, 10:18
if it were possible to live a chemical free life...

one thing i have learned is that there maybe reasons to commit suicide, hundreds of them im sure. but not one of them worth it. dying for a cause ? kamikaze for example, well, that can be argued til your blue in the face. noble ? maybe. but then again, you wouldnt be able to enjoy the spoils of victory if your dead can you.

the only differance between suicide and martyrdom is the press coverage.

please consider...

17-10-2006, 10:43

Sounds like you need to stop using substances for escape and get back to reality for a while. If you seriously don't think there will be anything to look forward to you need a good beating. Nothings better than physical pain to reming you how good life is. Anyhow, that's the addiction telling you that, and it would be the addiction which makes you so down. So get over your self-indulgent whinging and straighten yourself out.
Kittyinthedark is a prime example of how this can be achieved with great success.
As for the psychedelic therapy you wont find a greater champion for the use and benefits of psychedelics than myself, but I could not ever condone using them as a form of mental therapy in troubled times.

Except maybe DMT.....

essex boy
17-10-2006, 10:51
^hmmm... has that been tried on you ? a good beating ?

have you heard of the saying "walking a mile in someone elses shoes" ?

sure everyone hates a whiner. i dont think that is the case here, the poster is reaching out, wanting to go on.

give them a break.

or better still, give yourself a break. from your own self righteous b.s.

17-10-2006, 11:36
I guarantee you, that if you smoke less weed and before you take your benzos do a good hour or so of high intensity exercise, your life will improve.

As for the weed increasing your anxiety, yes, sometimes for no apparent reason this will happen. I used to smoke 3 times a day to relax but now even smelling weed makes my heart thump. It's happened to others I know as well. If a drug stops being enjoyable, then as hard as it may be, cut back on your use. It took me a long time to admit to myself that I had to stop smoking all the time because I was in love with the culture and it became a part of who I was. Admitting that I had to stop was in effect, killing off a part of my life. However, all I was doing was killing off a part of my life that made me feel like shit, which I realised after the 'fog' lifted.

It's easy to get into a vicious circle where you think that you have to take drugs to feel better when it's the drugs themselves that are making you feel like shit. I've learnt this the hard way and have several serious addictions (benzos included) that I now have to deal with. I'm not sure what your daily benzo intake is but if it is low enough that you can taper or kick, do so for at least a few weeks, stop smoking weed for the same period and exercise every day, then see how you feel. If you don't feel 10 times better I'll cease to dish out advice :). If you can't stop taking the drugs, go to rehab or addiction counselling. Just trust me on the exercise thing. The 'runner's high' is no myth.

17-10-2006, 20:10
everyone seems to be ignoring the most obvious point... if you die, you won't be set free... you won't be anything. rather than experiencing relief, you will cease to experience. if you believe that at the end of life consciousness is gone, death can only be a waste of possibility. if you believe in an organised religion, chances are 9/10 that you believe killing yourself is wrong.

the important thing is, you haven't thought through exactly what you want... you are not going insane... you are insane. it's ok, we all are. we wan't an end to global warming and tv's, cars, air-conditioning. we wan't world peace, and to be the best in the world. we want and easy, rewarding life. the trick is to not hate yourself for what you are doing, but aknowledge that each action effects your future, and start directing those actions. drugs can be as good as they can bad, and so can friends.

at this point in your life, there is four times the opportunities that you've missed left, you've not a single girl you've ruined everything with, and you have learnt a few of the important lessons of drug use. goddamn man, i'm 24 and only just realised i've got that far! (i'm so gonna live to 125)

i guess what i really want to say is... don't stress out or you're gonna be so absorbed in yourself that the world will walk right by you, and five years from now nothing will have changed.

17-10-2006, 20:29
I really appreciate everyone's replies. it really helps to know there are people out there who understand, and who sympathize with me.

I'm day 3 without benzos, I can't even listen to music as the headaches get too intense. I'm just sitting here reading these forums. I smoked some green yesterday and found it just made me more stressed. This is probably just my withdrawals from my pills though.

17-10-2006, 20:58
I have found that weed does make me more stressed when I was withdrawling from benzo's. I wished I could tell you that this is going to get easier, but I am afraid that would be a lie. I really think going off benzo's cold turkey isn't a good idea at all. I think weaning is a way better solution. Just MO.

17-10-2006, 21:35
Psychedellics are not a good choice.....taking strong psychedellic drugs when you are suicidal is imo dangerous . Theres a good chance the trip will be horrible....or you might decide on a whim to go out and do what you're thinking about.

Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. I suggest councelling....and if marijuana makes you happy then go ahead. Remember though marijuana has the possibility of making people depressed when they aren't high.

And yes taper off the benzos......cold turkey will be horrible in your current mindstate.

17-10-2006, 21:44
fuck man, you know what your problem is!!!!


i didnt read the whole thread, and i hope a lot of other people tell you the same!

ive been addicted twice, each time it was exactly like you described it. i have horrbile anxiety and i can best speak my mind on benzos.

ativan is my favorite, theraputically.

the withdrawals are beyond hellish, and the rebound anxiety is much worse than it was before you started.

you WILL go back to normal, but the longer you stay in your benzo hole, the deeper it gets and the harder it gets to come out.

get a job.

17-10-2006, 22:20
Here's my scheduele:

For 3 days I take 2mg ativan a day

then I take a two day break

Been on this regiment for about half a year.

Is this high dosage? How long will my withdrawals last?

17-10-2006, 22:35

I think in a distance you should see to gets off the benzo's, but I am not going to advise going off them cold turkey. That is a mistake if you are already feeling suicidal. I am by no means an expert, but since my father committed suicide when I was 15 (a month to the day of my sweet sixteen.). I know that it is a VERY serious thought. Even if it is a thought you need to try and evaluate where you are and why. Try to get as much outside support as possible. I also think that you need to soul search and think on the good things and what other good things make you smile. Even if the only thing you smile at is a sunset or a bird singing. Go find a sun set or commence to bird watching. Do what you need to do to love something inside your self. Find the beauty in life then you will began to love yourself. It is a slow process, but can be as rewarding as life. Loving it is the key for me. When I am miserable with me or my life for whatever reason I just love the simply things. Sometimes making life more simply you can try and mask the circumstances until you can handle them. I definitely think stopping your benzo's will be the way to go. I honestly think you need to respect the fact that you shouldn't put yourself in a situation that you can't get out of. That might be a depression that would be deadly in itself mentally. (at least when I was detoxing.) So find some strength and take it thing by thing. Simplify it and try to love again without being high. Do you understand what I am saying? Damn, I know it is a hard thing to imagine, not being on benzo's. I couldn't imagine it either until I was 6 months clean. Starting to feel again is so beautiful. You can even sense when your happy without taking a pill. I promise.

17-10-2006, 22:58
Here's my scheduele:

For 3 days I take 2mg ativan a day

then I take a two day break

Been on this regiment for about half a year.

Is this high dosage? How long will my withdrawals last?

you'll be fine if you stop cold turkey

you might get heavier anxiety and some insomnia for a couple of days, but nothing too serious

17-10-2006, 23:15
You're useless. What the hell are you talking about? Benzodiazepine habituation has caused you to want to kill yourself? I've withdrawn several times throughout my life and I can say that, although it's without any... single... doubt, the most absolutely soul destroying experience I've ever gone through, I'm still alive.

Guess what?

Life's tough, kid, and I know you're annoyed because you've never had a girlfriend, and I know that your psychiatrist or best 'friend' don't "understand", and here's a tip: if they're talking shit about you, guess what? Find some confidence and eat it. Then leave them and find some other people to make friends with.

Weed causes paranoia and anxiety you idiot, so why're you smoking it if you're feeling paranoid and anxious constantly? Mm? Fucking hell...

Lay off the weed.

Stay on the 'libido reducing' drugs, even though you don't need a libido to survive, unless you have a girlfriend, which you don't. But that's fucking fine because you've got the rest of your bloody LIFE to find someone to fuck.

Don't talk about suicide. Only when you've tasted true hell will you find something. It's called the will to live. I found that during a hellish benzodiazepine withdrawal where I could've died, it being cold turkey an' all.

Stop your moaning and improve your life. If you want personal development then send KERRIGAN a PM regarding literature and websites that'll help you get things done and also get laid.

Benzodiazepine withdrawal is worse than death. Suicide isn't easy, I'm not saying it's simply to run that blade right across your own throat and choke to death on your blood. I'm saying that it's pointless; you're alive, so live. You can die when you're ready (THAT'S USUALLY IN THE FUTURE) and carry on for now.


Take care you crazy kids! %)

Oh, and lovely clich&#233; with "cruel world". Heh... get a life, more benzo's, and the ability to motivate and focus your own energies on more positive things other than suicide. It's really rather simple.

17-10-2006, 23:52

18-10-2006, 00:21
Being an asshole isn't going to help him neurotix.


18-10-2006, 00:34
Lets stay on topic please.....

lets try and be more sensitive to everyone's feelings, and more mindful of peoples needs.

18-10-2006, 01:50
yummy22: Posts such as
STFU aren't going to help him.

And I speak from the heart and say whatever I think the person should hear. It seems to me as though you're all gathering around this guy as though he's some kind of basket case. He's not; he's just some guy with drug issues, social issues and is toying with the idea of suicide.

S'got no will t'live y'know wha'm sayin'?

If I were actin' like that I'd expect one o' me mates to knock me into me senses... aye I'm a drug addict, aye life's tough and all, but why commit suicide because you're a lil' bit paranoid an' yer psychiatrist won't give you benzo's?

Benzo' withdrawal is how it is, alright? Y'gotta take it y'know? I think it's kinda like how ye've had it too easy for so long y'gotta suffer for a bit an' it keeps everythin' all balanced. Mebbe I'm wrong, who cares?

I jus' post what I think an' I'm not gonna pander around someone 'cause they mention suicide: I'm gonna give 'em exactly what I'm thinkin' and they're gonna read it an' hopefully understand what the fuck they're doin'.

Oh an' Stella Blue are y' single or what? ;)

18-10-2006, 02:33
Oh an' Stella Blue are y' single or what?
I am engaged and running off with a BLer named Kerrigan, but you are sweet.;)

As for you CrazyDiamond0107, please give us an update on how your feeling. Was kinda worried about you. Would love to hear from you here in this thread or via PM.

18-10-2006, 03:16
You ok? good job at trying to get off the benzo's. I understand the wanting to die, and can't offer any advice other than take one day at a time, and try to hang in there.

and please dont do acid/shrooms. they may fix some things, but it could be disasterous as well. Ive gotten suicidal the last few times and it was very unpleasant (and im never doing them again).

18-10-2006, 03:35
Just hanging in there, I plan to finish up this last bag of green and then quit for awhile. As for benzos, I'm thinking maybe I can get to 1 pill every other day. For the ciggs, I don't know what I want to do.

Tomorrow I'm seeing my psychiatrist, and I'm going to ask him to prescribe me Paxil, as its helped my mother alot with her social anxiety disorder. I'm hoping maybe it can help me too!

I don't know if I should tell him about my benzo problem though. Would he cancel my prescription? That wouldn't help anything. :p

18-10-2006, 05:21
hang in there! i think everyone's had these feelings, but we're all still here because secretly not many are actually done living. i would definitely say get off benzos/weed and don't do any psychedellics until you're stable! i know one thing that has helped me is finding a new social circle/academic interest/sport/etc, all of which are great distractions. hearts!

18-10-2006, 05:22
I don't know if I should tell him about my benzo problem though. Would he cancel my prescription? That wouldn't help anything.

Honey only you know what you need to do. I think your doctor needs to help you get off the benzo's, but not until you are ready.

18-10-2006, 07:43
You just need to make sure of two things with your psych. First, don't bring it up if you're not really ready. I don't normally consider it "advice" to tell someone to hide things from their therapist, but unless you have a really good one, there can be problems sometimes. Second, don't let the psych push you around once you do tell them. I had a therapist once who tried to convince me I was addicted to marijuana when I was very clearly not. It just made me more uncomfortable about everything going on. You need a professional who's going to *support* you on your journy, not push you through it with a cattle prod. If you don't feel that your psych is right, try a different one! I just can't stress enough how much it helps when you're finally getting the help you need.

18-10-2006, 13:03
I am going through my daily dreaming of terminating my existance, then I have created one hell of A crisis for myself. At the moment, I am doing two diaries in order to catch up with myself and keep ahead of my self destructive desires and actions.
I am sure life is worth seeing through...

02-11-2006, 10:19
look kid, you got a LOT ahead of you, you're literally JUST getting started. You are an intelligent kid and i think as most of the other members have agreed that it is the benzo that is making you feel this bad. I think you need some introspection. Think about it man, if you are afraid of hurting your mom then that means you love her and probably vice versa. The withdrawal is rough. I feel your pain on that but alot of drugs do cause you to have anxiety and these depressive thoughts. You need to get some good friends...Trust me. It seems like you already have plenty here and we're all rootin for you except for mr. social frustration a couple posts above me who decided it would be better to tell of some kid for a bad withdraw. Dude, like i said you are JUST gettin started. Make a dream for urself, anything at all will work and work toward it. I quit cocaine by doing that. I quit cold turkey, and i didn't need any therapists or bullshit rehabs or a job, you just need some people that will listen and you got that here man.

11-06-2009, 03:28
suicide bump-save