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Approach to life: Are you a victim?

Pop Popavich

Bluelighter
Joined
Jul 13, 2004
Messages
3,458
This is a thought I've had many times in the past, but recent discussions with my ex-girlfriend have caused me to give it a bit more attention.

Whenever I hear her talk about a situation, or some current even in her life, it always seems to be from the perspective of something happening to her, not something she's doing. This goes for things with work, relationships (including our most recent one), family, even friends, and invariably things end up in a way that she is unhappy with.

I see this sort of approach in a lot of people, and it's something that I struggle to get my head around. As such I have a hard time being sympathetic to their plight when it seems to be the same story over and over again. I'm happy to listen to their concerns, and try and help, but at the end of the day you have to want to help yourself, and be prepared to try and change things for the better.

To me, if there is something going on, and it concerns you in some way, you have input, you can affect the outcome. It may not always go the way you want it to, but the point is you can at least try and steer things in the desired direction, not just strap yourself in for the ride, and then be distraught when things don't turn out like you wanted.

For myself, I like to feel like I have some control of what is happening. It doesn't always work out in my favour, but at least I know I've tried, and I don't feel the need to wonder "Why Me?". On the other side of the coin, if something does work out in my favour, then I feel like I've earned it more.

So my question is, when it comes to life situations, big or small, do you take at least some control of what's happening, or are you along for the ride? Do you make things happen, or are you a Victim of your surroundings?
 
I am not a victim and hate that mentality.

It seems often easier to whinge about events than to try and change them, but I am always working to alter things.

I didnt like the bleak future after bombing out in school, so I worked up through TAFE which has now got me on track into my second year of university.

I didn't like my job, so I quit... now I am working somewhere awesome with great people..

I didn't like my physique so I made the commitment to eat right and go to the gym...


I totally agree with you that it is better to try and use whatever %% of input you have to steer things in your direction.

Nothing worth doing in life is easy.

Sitting back and doing nothing is easy.
 
In my life id like to think i take control of situations and circumstances and dont play the victim. I do find myself sometimes sitting on the ride though...its hard to take an issue/event and if it does affect you greatly, its hard to not play the victim. i find people play the victim are often searching for comfort or for someone to pay them the attention they want...

i can understand where you are comming from babe...it IS hard to sit there and listen over and over again to the same "im the victim" story...but unfortunantly there isnt really much one can do but listen...you can only help someone so much before they have to help themselves...

after all i think you summed it up yourself...

I'm happy to listen to their concerns, and try and help, but at the end of the day you have to want to help yourself, and be prepared to try and change things for the better.
 
fancy that, I wrote an entry on my lj about precisely the same topic.

Only difference is that I phrased it in slightly differing english:

lj.JPG
 
It depends alot on what your surroundings are.
Yeyt, I do agree that we are wholely responsible for making things happen for ourself. It may hurt to get out of that comfort zone and to whatever it takes to get where we want or to get what we want.
To allow myself to fall victim to my surroundings completely would leave me feeling useless, like a zombie.
We need to be in control of ourselves and our own lives, even if only in part.
The more the better though for sure.
I think it can be fairly situational to, In some cases its fine to go with the flow and not worry about whats going, not having to take any responsiblities for you actions if it was you in control.

Whats worse than someone who is a "victim" as you put it is an absolute control freak that needs to be in control of the tiniest, meaningless, most insignificant shit.
I think that behaviour comes form insecurties a person may have. It's got alot to do with balance. The more balance of the the better.
Heaps of people in different situations here IMO would be able to fit themselves into all four of those categories.
1.taking some control
2.along for the ride
3.make things happen themselves
4.victim of surroundings

On the whole though, I'm definitely in control of my life and am not infleunced easily.
I make my own decisions about who I am and what I do!


p.s good thread pop
 
^ Well put, Moe.

I don't even feel able to add anything after that. Hell, I don't deem it necessary.
 
<3

Originally posted by Pop Popavich
So my question is, when it comes to life situations, big or small, do you take at least some control of what's happening, or are you along for the ride? Do you make things happen, or are you a Victim of your surroundings?

^This seems incredibly timed, just as my circumstances are beginning to look a little brighter. :)

You and others know I've had a bit of a rough patch in my life of late.
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A housemate moved out a few months back leaving myself and other housemate with a financially draining house until we could find a more suitable place.
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I lost my secure reasonably paid job late last year through a stupid mistake [one I have well and truly leaned from].
16.gif
I was involved in an accident in my car around the same time which was not my fault, and my car is in need of some extensive repairs.

All of these things have mounted and caused major stress in my life.
That said, I haven't sat back and wallowed.

16.gif
I've been actively seeking a new housing situation / people to move in to my house since the other housemate left, and it finally seems I may have secured something [see the Smile Thread]. =D
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I got a new job doing temporary work soon after the initial loss - - - admittedly I did spend some unecessary time looking for a new direction career-wise, but this was when I could afford it [I was living off my tax return for that little while].
Now, with the safety of a shit job I hate which pays OK, I'm applying for other more secure roles. Should start to hear back from them soon enough.
16.gif
I am calling my insurance company weekly regarding having my repairs done and paid for - - - the other party unfortunately is refusing liability for some unknown reason [which I'm trying to find out, btw].
I'm looking at having the repairs completed as soon as I pay off some other debts, and for them to eventually give me the money. At this stage I don't know if that will even end up being the case. 8(

* * *

So all of that said, yeah, I have been through a bit.
Some my fault, some unavoidable and some maybe bad luck thrown in...

Faced with these pressures and stresses I haven't folded. Not once. I've kept my strength as high as I could, and though it's been hard and I've often felt worthless and like nothing I could ever do would change my circumstances, I never *once* gave in.

Every day is a upward battle, but it's one I need to complete.
 
Pop Popavich said:
Whenever I hear her talk about a situation, or some current even in her life, it always seems to be from the perspective of something happening to her, not something she's doing. This goes for things with work, relationships (including our most recent one), family, even friends, and invariably things end up in a way that she is unhappy with.

Pops, could this also be to do with the fact that you're her ex? Maybe in a way she plays up to the victim role with you in the hope that you'll play the comfort role, if this was the way it used to be?


I don't like the victim mentality either. Sure I've probably played it sometimes, but even as I do it, it is a conscious thing and I hate it.

With my friends, I am a confronter. If I'm annoyed about something I'll tell them. I don't like backstabbing, and subtlety when discussing negatives about people - both of which I think breed bad blood and general discontent within friends. One of my best friends thinks I have 'no tact' but I think the power of words are broken down when said to your face. I regard my friends very highly, particularly the ones I have right now, because in a way I chose them. When I was younger I just wanted to have friends, any friends at all, and so I was easily the victim of people who knew I was eager to impress.

My parents couldnt afford to get me into a good school, but I didnt want to play the victim. So I tried out for scholarship after scholarship and got one. And then worked my ass off at school to get to uni.

I feel like I'm pretty assertive in trying to improve on things... I am open to suggestion and would much rather I be the one who made the decision then be forced into something. I used to be pretty conservative and I know I consciously try to overcome this in situations because I want to make the change. And its all about me! :p

I'm on a very good run at the moment - I had two toxic friendships that were giving me grief and making me feel victimised, both of which I have taken the initiative and taken control of. One was completely high maintanience who disapproved of my irrational mind and the random situations I got into -- basically I told her that "as much as I appreciated her thoughtfulness and concern, at this time in my life, people who don't accept me for who I am I don't really need them in my life. So please accept or exit" The other one I allowed to have control over me because she hurt me in what I believed to be 'moral responsibilties' amongst friends. Basically I just came to the conclusion that she did not deserve to be in my life. So I stopped all contact. And so far so good.

This confidence is all very recent as a result of a long-term 'victim' position I held in regards to my ex. I think about it rationally now, and I know that consciously I allowed myself to be the victim with him, hence, why he had the power. What I've come to realise is that we were both emotionally manipulative to each other, I just allowed him far too much time to get away with it. I know there was a time there when my best friends were literally like "Get out of the black hole you are in" - I really don't want to be like that again.

I think it also has something to do with ego. I don't like feeling powerless and that people have somehow gotten the better of me. Hence why I like to be the one in power.
 
Originally posted by iamtha1
...toxic friendships...



Is that like throwing up on a friend's doona??


*runs away and hides*
 
Duckboy said:
Originally posted by iamtha1
...toxic friendships...



Is that like throwing up on a friend's doona??


*runs away and hides*

*chases after Duckboy with a rolled up newspaper*

YOU QUACK WHORE! ;)

:p :p :p :p :p

EDIT: This has given me a new brainwave! The key also to not become a victim in a situation is, dont be inerbriated in any way. To remain in control you need to have all your wits about you. Its all about control people!

But thank God for meth!

Sorry Pops, my bad! :eek:
 
Last edited:
I've never considered myself a victim, even when I was a victim :D

I have wasted alot of time in my life following the wrong path but I think I'm alright now. If anything I'm a little too assertive these days.
 
My idea of a victim differs very much from what people have written here. I was more thinking the emotional vampire (kudos to gleep for the term) who regularly, and to as many people as possible, act offended, hurt (victimized) etc. and then subsequently receive the attention they crave. When all is complete, they then find another issue upon which to complain and bleed you of your kindness.

The idea from my perspective (firmly placing myself in the third category I presented) is to choose the people you want to help, not let them choose you.

The vampires never learn. They don't want to.
 
^ You're such a compassionate soul and a man of the world, Moe. Who could possibly doubt your insight?

I think everyone is going to feel like a victim at some point in their life but I think everyone has a different level at which this mentality will come into play. All the people who think they are strong and wouldn't feel sorry for themself in any situation either haven't really been 'tested' as such or just have a very high tolerance for this sort of thing.

Everyone has a breaking point at which they will say, 'Holy shit this sucks.'
 
Sarcasm bites.

*shrugs*

I choose who I stand by, and I've made my mistakes and stood by the blood suckers.
I've also been in that position where I've been the person requiring support. More often than once, I'm sure.
I try to avoid it.

Noone as reliable as myself, I say.
 
the only thing i'm a victim of is myself.

i might spend a lot of the time feeling pointlessly sorry for myself, but there's a big difference between doing that and actually blaming other people for my problems. people, ultimately, need to be responsible for themselves.

sorry if i've rehashed what anyone else has said; i'll read this thread later.
 
^ Yeah same. I probably whinge a lot, but only 'cause I think life in general is shit, not because I want sympathy.
 
I pretty much blame myself for everything, even if I can't control it. Altho its probably just shit house self esteem it can help to motivate myself to avoid being a "victim"

One sense that I do think I'm a victim in is my employment. There are not a hell of a lot of job opportunities in my field. Particularly in the city. To get a job in Townsville is pretty good! People say to me all the time why don't you move to the city? Why live up there? Well, I ain't moving before I get a job. And if no job comes up then its really not in my hands :\

Thats the way I see it anyway. Having said that, I'm not unhappy here, I love my job :D (and friends etc. etc.)
 
I think everyones natural intention is to NOT be the victim. Everyones intention is to fix things and make it better. Not all of us are equipped to jump and say " oh yes this is it, im gonna change this and everything else will work "

You fail to see that women are a total different make over. Who says we aren't sorting out our issues while we bash all our crap at ur ear. In fact, I can honestly say, we probably are.

Just cause we aren't " Mrs Fixits " the way you see fit, doesnt mean we aren't fixing it in our own unique way.

Somethings in life are harder than others, everyone needs a hand to hold every now and again... no need to label that a " VICTIM ".
 
sympathy is a form of attention.





to sum it up, the "victims" are simply attention whores, trying to get the attention that they crave.

i have a number of friends like this, and when they get in the "woe is me" mode, i simply switch off.

i'm happy to help those who can help themselves.

i won't pity you because you ask me to.

i will pity you when i feel sorry for you.

i can't feel sorry for someone who won't help themselves.
 
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