Lightning-Nl
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Nov 11, 2012
- Messages
- 1,245
Background info
About once every two months, I have to go to the emergency room due to psychotic mania.
My doctor refuses to prescribe me a benzodiazepine or Z-drug for my mania, panic disorder, and insomnia due to the fact that she is convinced that I am a drug addict and that I'm just looking to get high. I do get high, but it's rare anymore. Because of the fact that she won't do that, I have to self-medicate with things like Ethanol and Dextromethorphan and other OTC drugs, just so I can sleep at night. I have tried to explain to her that my drug use is entirely self-medication and that if I had the right meds, I would have to do that anymore, but she won't hear it.
So what this means, is I have manic episodes that last for 24 - 48 hours at a time every 6-8 weeks or so. When these happen, it's already too late. I can't calm myself down, I can't self-sooth, it's either Alcohol (which I don't use anymore due to the fact I can't ever get any) or go to the emergency room.
They have tried to get me on antipsychotics before, but I have learned that I am allergic (yes actually allergic) to drugs that are anticholinergic. All antipsychotics and centrally acting antihistamines I know of are anticholinergics. Because of this I am unable to take antipsychotics (not like they're all that great anyways) without getting the hives and feeling ill for 3 days straight. Therefore the only other possible sedative I can take is a GABA agonist or a beta-blocker/alpha agonist. While beta-blockers and alpha agonists are very sedating, it has no effect on my anxiety, which tend to just keep me up anyways.
Everytime I go to the ER - every doctor I have talked to says I NEED to be on a benzodiazepine. I'm trying to switch doctors, but I can't get an appointment until the end of summer. So until then I guess this is just how it's going to be.
This time when I went to the emergency room, the medication specialist thought that Ambien would be a good fit for me, so he gave me a 30 day supply of that. I have been on Ambien before and I have to say - it fixes the majority of my issues. Fixes my hypertension, fixes my insomnia, doesn't leave me hungover the next day, and I seem to have a better anxiolytic response from it than any of the lesser benzo's. Plus, after only a week straight of taking a benzo, I have minor discontinuation/dependence issues and therefore minor withdrawal symptoms. Ambien doesn't have that for me.
How it started
Anyways, last night I took the 10MG's I'm prescribed and laid in bed and watched some TV while I waited for it to take effect. However, while I was waiting for that to happen, I got really hungry out of the blue and went and made myself a sandwich, and poured myself some grapefruit juice. By this time, it has been almost 30 minutes later and the Ambien was taking effect. However, as soon as this happened - I literally "forgot" what I was doing and it took me (I think) 10 minutes ish to make a sandwich, and another 15 to eat it.
You would think that after I had done this I would have gone back upstairs and gone to bed, but I didn't. Again, I literally forgot it was bedtime and so when I stumbled back upstairs - in my, now, intoxicated state of mind I thought "Well...uh...let's browse the web." I did that around an hour and a half before realizing what time it was and climbing in my bed.
The "trip"
I was almost asleep within 2 minutes of closing my eyes. But, I had one of those mini dreams (right before you fall asleep) where you trip or slip or something and jump yourself awake. When I jolted awake, I was a little annoyed, but I happened to catch a glimpse of something out of the corner of my eye. I tilted my head and I saw this huge eyeball just staring at me from across the room. Normally things like that would freak me out (as I see them when I'm manic) but the ambien was still having it's power anxiolytic effect on me, so I just stared back.
Something that caught my attention was the fact that it looks very real. On things like DXM, or a high dose of Diphenhydramine, the hallucinations are really distorted and look "fuzzy." However, this was the most real hallucination I can ever remember having.
Eventually it faded away, but other things started popping up all around the room. Shadows were moving and becoming their own objects, posters on my walls were blinking and looking at me, and I even started to see - what appeared to be - cotten like dolls walking around me on my bed. I forgot to mention, a lot of these would turn and look at me and start talking. I can't remember anything they said though. I can also remember hearing bells and whistles all around me, as well as faintly hearing some sort of classical music in the background.
As time went on, these started to get more common and real. Eventually, I was so drowsy that it almost felt like I was in a dream, in fact I thought I was for a little bit. But I realized I wasn't I accidentally twisted my ankle in bed and felt pain.
After I felt that little spark of pain, a lot of the visual hallucinations were gone instantly, but it was replaced with something even "cooler."
My entire room started turning different colors. Blotches of wall would be yellow and green, while others would be red and blue at the same time.
They would never stay a consistent color for more than half a second until they turned a different color. I also had a weird distortion of light.
When I would look at or near my lamp, it would appear to get darker and less vivid in the room, but as soon as I looked away, it livened back up again.
I'm sure a lot of my memory about this is missing, due to the fact that Ambien is an amnesitic, but if I remember anything else, I'll add it to the post!
Thanks for reading guys! Hope you enjoyed it!
About once every two months, I have to go to the emergency room due to psychotic mania.
My doctor refuses to prescribe me a benzodiazepine or Z-drug for my mania, panic disorder, and insomnia due to the fact that she is convinced that I am a drug addict and that I'm just looking to get high. I do get high, but it's rare anymore. Because of the fact that she won't do that, I have to self-medicate with things like Ethanol and Dextromethorphan and other OTC drugs, just so I can sleep at night. I have tried to explain to her that my drug use is entirely self-medication and that if I had the right meds, I would have to do that anymore, but she won't hear it.
So what this means, is I have manic episodes that last for 24 - 48 hours at a time every 6-8 weeks or so. When these happen, it's already too late. I can't calm myself down, I can't self-sooth, it's either Alcohol (which I don't use anymore due to the fact I can't ever get any) or go to the emergency room.
They have tried to get me on antipsychotics before, but I have learned that I am allergic (yes actually allergic) to drugs that are anticholinergic. All antipsychotics and centrally acting antihistamines I know of are anticholinergics. Because of this I am unable to take antipsychotics (not like they're all that great anyways) without getting the hives and feeling ill for 3 days straight. Therefore the only other possible sedative I can take is a GABA agonist or a beta-blocker/alpha agonist. While beta-blockers and alpha agonists are very sedating, it has no effect on my anxiety, which tend to just keep me up anyways.
Everytime I go to the ER - every doctor I have talked to says I NEED to be on a benzodiazepine. I'm trying to switch doctors, but I can't get an appointment until the end of summer. So until then I guess this is just how it's going to be.
This time when I went to the emergency room, the medication specialist thought that Ambien would be a good fit for me, so he gave me a 30 day supply of that. I have been on Ambien before and I have to say - it fixes the majority of my issues. Fixes my hypertension, fixes my insomnia, doesn't leave me hungover the next day, and I seem to have a better anxiolytic response from it than any of the lesser benzo's. Plus, after only a week straight of taking a benzo, I have minor discontinuation/dependence issues and therefore minor withdrawal symptoms. Ambien doesn't have that for me.
How it started
Anyways, last night I took the 10MG's I'm prescribed and laid in bed and watched some TV while I waited for it to take effect. However, while I was waiting for that to happen, I got really hungry out of the blue and went and made myself a sandwich, and poured myself some grapefruit juice. By this time, it has been almost 30 minutes later and the Ambien was taking effect. However, as soon as this happened - I literally "forgot" what I was doing and it took me (I think) 10 minutes ish to make a sandwich, and another 15 to eat it.
You would think that after I had done this I would have gone back upstairs and gone to bed, but I didn't. Again, I literally forgot it was bedtime and so when I stumbled back upstairs - in my, now, intoxicated state of mind I thought "Well...uh...let's browse the web." I did that around an hour and a half before realizing what time it was and climbing in my bed.
The "trip"
I was almost asleep within 2 minutes of closing my eyes. But, I had one of those mini dreams (right before you fall asleep) where you trip or slip or something and jump yourself awake. When I jolted awake, I was a little annoyed, but I happened to catch a glimpse of something out of the corner of my eye. I tilted my head and I saw this huge eyeball just staring at me from across the room. Normally things like that would freak me out (as I see them when I'm manic) but the ambien was still having it's power anxiolytic effect on me, so I just stared back.
Something that caught my attention was the fact that it looks very real. On things like DXM, or a high dose of Diphenhydramine, the hallucinations are really distorted and look "fuzzy." However, this was the most real hallucination I can ever remember having.
Eventually it faded away, but other things started popping up all around the room. Shadows were moving and becoming their own objects, posters on my walls were blinking and looking at me, and I even started to see - what appeared to be - cotten like dolls walking around me on my bed. I forgot to mention, a lot of these would turn and look at me and start talking. I can't remember anything they said though. I can also remember hearing bells and whistles all around me, as well as faintly hearing some sort of classical music in the background.
As time went on, these started to get more common and real. Eventually, I was so drowsy that it almost felt like I was in a dream, in fact I thought I was for a little bit. But I realized I wasn't I accidentally twisted my ankle in bed and felt pain.
After I felt that little spark of pain, a lot of the visual hallucinations were gone instantly, but it was replaced with something even "cooler."
My entire room started turning different colors. Blotches of wall would be yellow and green, while others would be red and blue at the same time.
They would never stay a consistent color for more than half a second until they turned a different color. I also had a weird distortion of light.
When I would look at or near my lamp, it would appear to get darker and less vivid in the room, but as soon as I looked away, it livened back up again.
I'm sure a lot of my memory about this is missing, due to the fact that Ambien is an amnesitic, but if I remember anything else, I'll add it to the post!
Thanks for reading guys! Hope you enjoyed it!
