your opinions please

[neoblazing]

Hi

My partner recently said to me that she feels like I only use her for sex and I now feel like I basically raped her and like a terrible partner I am thinking about just letting her get off during sex when she wants it because I don't want to treat her like that I feel like by focusing on her and not getting off I would be doing the right thing I am wondering how people would feel if there partner made sure they got off but they never did would you be upset?

 

[lola]

Sex is about finding pleasure in both giving and taking; personally, I don't enjoy it as much if my partner doesn't let me reciprocate. I get off from getting him off, though of course her orgasm is just as important as yours. Ideally you should both enjoy yourselves, maybe just be a gent and make sure she comes first before you blow your load.

Having said that, when a girl says something like this it often suggest she doesn't feel appreciated OUTSIDE the bedroom. Instead of withholding your orgasm I suggest you take her out, cook her dinner, go for a walk or make little gestures that make her feel appreciated.

 

[neoblazing]

We are having a few issues outside the bedroom we are working on so I am hoping by sorting them out they will make it more enjoyable for for and make her feel more loved

 

[little BIG Pecker]

You just need to start talking to her (listening to her) more. Give her back massages. Cook her breakfast. Kiss her & cuddle more. Buy her a unique (unmaterialistic) gift. You don't have to get your penis wet man. Prove to her how much you care. I'm pretty sure that's what she wants.

 

[neoblazing]

I am always doing that sort of stuff I am always trying to put her needs first just don't understand how I can do anymore as the hours I work make it very hard I couldn't care less if I got sex aslong as she is happy that's all I want for her but understand where your coming from.

 

[neoblazing]

A lot of our problems stem from her being depressed which I am helping her deal with but finding it hard to manage doing 45+ hours at work and run a house hold to give her a break, Not to mention I have being finding it hard to deal with the fact there are things she has done with all her exes yet won't do with me I can understand if she doesn't want to do them I won't force the issue but keeps telling me about what she did with them and making me feel like I am just second rate is doing my head in.

I want her to get better so I don't say anything but all the stress is getting to me atm I am thinking of putting a stop to sex altogether until she is in a better state of mind and we have worked through all of our issues but she still wants to and I would feel like shit if I didn't do anything I can to please her and keep her happy

I am at a lose of what I can do without being an arsehole and proving what she is thinking right

 

[lola]

Hmmm. Sounds like her behaviour is mean and unacceptable. Depression is difficult enough to deal with in a partner, but if you're supporting her through this she should at least be appreciative of YOU. It's like she's doing what she's accusing you of doing then turning it around.

Don't stop sex as a punishment! But you have to look after yourself. If currently having sex with her is making you feel bad about yourself and if you find her behaviour unattractive, just be honest with her that she is undermining your efforts and destroying your sexual confidence, so right now you don't feel up to being intimate with her. She needs to take some more responsibility for her behaviour...

 

[Dunno]

its that psychologically reversed backwards crap or whatever its called. I know how it works, i studied not in college but in my own mind how to perfect it to a T. First thing is find some doctor who is laid back doesn't care....leave that where it is....keep a card or something.. Next, once you have that you are set. Ask about her depression if you can.

Don't leave hints or say you saw a doctor just leave it.

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Reply..No it's not

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see?

 

[Chinggis]

Women are very feelings-centric beings. If you don't feel like you are using her for sex, make an effort to explain that to her. Perhaps her feelings will change. Perhaps she has been abused in he past.

 

[omnipresenthuman]

I think she's playing some mind games with you bro...

the best you can do is 'wear your heart on your sleeve' around her - if she's still cold to you after you put the emotional effort in as well as the physical sex, then it's really up to you...is she worth it...or not...

Not to make it sound so simple but I don't even think concrete advice can be offered here - other than her feelings, it's YOUR feelings that matter here. And if you feel like you still want to have sex with her and be in a relationship with her...that's your prerogative.

But seriously, I wouldn't bet money on her changing her ways...some girls are just stuck in their past relationships and that's IT, you can't do jack-shit to change their minds about your relationship that's happening right fucking now...

 

[pofacedhoe]

depressed people have low sex drives, at least severely depressed people. as do those on ssri's

when i was very depressed i couldn't get an erection/have any sexual thoughts whatsoever. also depression is very self absorbed and all about others using you/hurting you in some way in your mind.

 

[purplefirefly]

A lot of our problems stem from her being depressed which I am helping her deal with but finding it hard to manage doing 45+ hours at work and run a house hold to give her a break, Not to mention I have being finding it hard to deal with the fact there are things she has done with all her exes yet won't do with me I can understand if she doesn't want to do them I won't force the issue but keeps telling me about what she did with them and making me feel like I am just second rate is doing my head in.

I want her to get better so I don't say anything but all the stress is getting to me atm I am thinking of putting a stop to sex altogether until she is in a better state of mind and we have worked through all of our issues but she still wants to and I would feel like shit if I didn't do anything I can to please her and keep her happy

I am at a lose of what I can do without being an arsehole and proving what she is thinking right

What has she done with her other boyfriends that she's won't do with you?

If she's depressed she probably has a very skewed view on things. What you have to understand is that you can't make her happy, only she can. You can be there for her and help her but you can't make all the changes. Only she can truly change her outlook.

Rather than trying to guess what she wants or trying to assume what she wants, why don't you come right out and ask her? Ask her why she feels used. She needs to thoroughly communicate if she wants things to get better.