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Your feelings about your drug use

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Rxqueen653

Greenlighter
Joined
Nov 29, 2015
Messages
1
The holidays bum me the fuck out. I'm a black sheep in the family, being the only drug user and all.
Anyways, 90% of the time I don't fucking care about not having anything other than drugs.
Being around normal people with nice cars and smartphones, ugg boots , nice ass goals, I don't know, basically the type of people that spend 9$ on a goddamn burrito and don't think twice about it.
Anyways, being around them for 4 days has drove me fucking insane
I feel guilty for loving dope, embarrassed because I have a shitty car and phone, normal clothes.. And a job that I make enough money to pay rent and IF I didn't do dope, I could buy myself fancy shit ...
But fancy shoes or a nice car wouldn't make me happy, and neither does my family. I really wouldn't mind having those things, and I don't hate my family by any means. . I love em they just kill me with the way they are. And I'm not working as hard as I do for something I don't fuckin care about. I work to have an apartment I can go to, get the fuck away from the world, and do a shot, every night. And every morning.. As soon as I wake up. Followed by adderal and maybe another shot.
Anyways, I feel guilty living this way, somewhat. . I am a decently functioning addict, but I get really fucked up and nod out / get too euphoric in situations.. i guess, what I'm asking is, if I'm truely happy doing this taboo thing
Is it all that wrong? Should I feel this guilt? Are you guys cool with being a junkie, do you have hobbies other than dope? People ask me what I like to do.. And other than a shot , I don't know what to say... And I'll say that if I'm a feeling a little sarcastic, and now my normal work friends think I'm a stressed out alcoholic
 
I have a lot of guilt about disappointing my folks, but as far as drug use in society goes, i don't have any guilt about my use at all. I don't think taking drugs is necessarily bad. However many people arent able or dont want to control their use and make bad decisions and do bad things because of drugs. And that's sad. But it doesn't have to be that way for everybody. And it's certainly not that way (ANYMORE!!). So i don't have any guilt around it in that regaurd.
 
I don't do dope but I do take oxy. I think the feeling of guilt you have comes with any addiction not just dope. I feel guilty because I know the oxy habit is out of my control and because oxy changes the person I am in both good and bad ways. I am a chronic pain patient too so I don't see getting away from it any time soon.

If you continue to feel guilty maybe you should confront and deal with your addiction (easier said than done lol)
 
In the end, youre only responsible to yourself, the opinion of others shouldnt really matter unless youre hurting them directy. Its your life as cliche as it is. But I cannot say I ever felt really positive about dope. Despite it being like a missing part of me for some reason, even years before trying it and doing every other drug before,I somehow knew H will hit the spot but could never get my hands on it.
I feel like one is hidding with drugs because something is wrong, unbalanced one way or another in your existance. While I functioned many years normally, I still feel like I lost most of that time. Its a fast blur compared to sober time. It passed so fast and I did so little besides the drugs and what was directly linked to my survival. i regressed or stood still emotionally, spiritually, physically.
So I dont feel good about it. I love that feeling from dope and probably always will but I also love fast food and cake but I know its crap for me as sh+tty as this analogy might be.
 
The only time I feel guilty and get depressed about it is when I've used benzos way too much. I have anxiety and benzos make me feel like a normal person - like a happy person. But then, if I've used them for more than a couple days in a row, I feel terrible about it.

I think a lot of us feel like the black sheep in our families. I do too. It's okay. A lot of people really don't fit in with their families.
 
I felt pretty guilty about it and struggled with that for a year or so, then more or less came to accept it as my DOC's evolved. Been attempting functional addict status throughout.
 
Rxqueen653 said:
The holidays bum me the fuck out. I'm a black sheep in the family, being the only drug user and all.
Anyways, 90% of the time I don't fucking care about not having anything other than drugs.
Being around normal people with nice cars and smartphones, ugg boots , nice ass goals, I don't know, basically the type of people that spend 9$ on a goddamn burrito and don't think twice about it.
Anyways, being around them for 4 days has drove me fucking insane
I feel guilty for loving dope, embarrassed because I have a shitty car and phone, normal clothes.. And a job that I make enough money to pay rent and IF I didn't do dope, I could buy myself fancy shit ...
But fancy shoes or a nice car wouldn't make me happy, and neither does my family. I really wouldn't mind having those things, and I don't hate my family by any means. . I love em they just kill me with the way they are. And I'm not working as hard as I do for something I don't fuckin care about. I work to have an apartment I can go to, get the fuck away from the world, and do a shot, every night. And every morning.. As soon as I wake up. Followed by adderal and maybe another shot.
Anyways, I feel guilty living this way, somewhat. . I am a decently functioning addict, but I get really fucked up and nod out / get too euphoric in situations.. i guess, what I'm asking is, if I'm truely happy doing this taboo thing
Is it all that wrong? Should I feel this guilt? Are you guys cool with being a junkie, do you have hobbies other than dope? People ask me what I like to do.. And other than a shot , I don't know what to say... And I'll say that if I'm a feeling a little sarcastic, and now my normal work friends think I'm a stressed out alcoholic
Click to expand...
Should you feel the guilt? only you can answer that. After reading your post my first thought is you feel something in your life ain't right(for you). I mean materialistic shit is for high school kids but you seem to be feeling guilt over your life style. I was okay being a junky until the end when I started forging my mothers name to checks and bleeding every penny I could but we all have different bottoms. The thing that really bothered me and just from reading your post(could be wrong) I think is bothering you is how our addiction isolates us from the ones we love.
I'm a reformed Catholic and think guilt is a useless emotion because you can't go forward feeling bad over whats already been done. I'm not saying using that thinking as a justification to do as we please and fuck everyone else but try to correct our behaviors so we don't have that feeling in the future.
I'm sorry if I'm not making sense maybe I've had one to many glasses of wine. Anyway it sounds to me like you need to answer some questions about how you are living honestly to yourself. it's not about the window dressing it's about how you feel inside and some things bothering you and you need to figure it out!
 
I think the real problem is that eventually you will stop being content with the situation and will want to achieve more. When this happens you will experience a type of stress where you want to achieve something greater and it upsets you that you havent some experience it as guilt others as a sense of hopelessness but when this happens you basically get two choices; use more to dull the pain you are experiencing causing greater conflict and greater feelings of guilt and an inability to escape the situation or you use the feeling as a reason to change what you are doing.

I think it happens to everyone that gets into hard drugs and the ones who never get better are the ones who choose the "easy" path as its scary to change your entire life around especially when you are unhappy and opiates can fix that with ease. Some people take longer to get to the point where they are at conflict with their "junky self" and the "driven person" they use to be.

I do not regret my drug use as I am currently at the point where i can believe i am done with the cycle of using opiates. My life is so much different from what it was when i was experiencing the stress associated with the internal conflict. It is almost a badge earned in battle field, provided you stay clean and live for something, it becomes the mental battlefield you proved yourself better then others on. Its hard to convince someone that breaking the cycle will make them feel better especially since the first few months of sobriety are challenging as you are changing your whole life but you will start to see why its fun to have money, how relieving it is to be able to buy food when you want. I think eventually we all experience this guilt if we are actively using it just takes time for shit to add up but when it does if you choose life and not drugs you will make the change but if you use drugs to dull that feeling you are only removing more of who you were from yourself.
 
I don't really feel guilty. I've made my own choices, fuck it. I'm not going to blame anyone or anything (I.e. "the disease of addiction") for the stupid shit I've gotten up to. I've found that a lot of addicts want the best of both worlds, in that they want drug use to be treated legally as a private matter among adults (which I support) while simultaneously wanting to do everything possible to remove themselves from taking responsibility for any of the stupid reprehensible shit they do. Usually that's active addiction though..."reformed addicts" will practically initiate self flagellation when it comes to their former misdeeds.
 
Everytime I see this topic title I start evaluating my current situation and feel bad. Please delete and rinse my memory.
 
I don't know if I feel guilty, maybe shame is better at describing how I feel. That's because I was sober from everything for a long fucking time, and when everyone else found out I was using again the only thing that kept me from losing everything was the promise from then on to stay clean. Let's just say that hasn't happened.
 
In terms of others (family and close friends, girls I'd like to date or have a relationship with) I feel awful, like a fucking scumbag.

Interpersonally, idgaf because it hides the pain, guilt, physical state, and shame I feel. Emotions so overwhelming, death sounds peaceful.

Edit- I just realized if I feel guilt and shame, I do give some kind of fuck haha
 
llama112 said:
The only time I feel guilty and get depressed about it is when I've used benzos way too much. I have anxiety and benzos make me feel like a normal person - like a happy person. But then, if I've used them for more than a couple days in a row, I feel terrible about it.

I think a lot of us feel like the black sheep in our families. I do too. It's okay. A lot of people really don't fit in with their families.
Click to expand...
I totally relate there, I can't do benzos any longer than a few days or I just get mean, I'll go off and say lots of shit that isn't even true to great people who only want what's best for me and then just wake up one morning and go for the redose when I notice everything is knocked over or broken and my mom or friends are ignoring me and simply don't remember what the hell happened! I hate when I get like that and can't imagine how I would be if I was using heavier drugs but reading some of the shit I say is heart breaking that I would ever think of that shit
 
I feel like my use (of opiates in particular) has risen in the past few weeks. But it always does around the holidays. I enjoy getting all warm and noddy this time of year. So sue me :D

My drug use in general is a form of self-medicating. It motivates me to get out of bed every morning. Probably not the healthiest mindset, but it works. And I don't have a huge tolerance or withdrawals at this point, so I'm at peace with it.
 
I think I'm pretty responsible with my drug use. I have good self-control, I think. I had one really bad addiction that lasted for a few months but that's all behind me now!
 
Pretty_Diamonds said:
I think I'm pretty responsible with my drug use. I have good self-control, I think. I had one really bad addiction that lasted for a few months but that's all behind me now!
Click to expand...

Tell us how big the fish was again?

Like seriously.


:)
 
I feel I have my use under control. I'm not the black sheep of the family (maybe 1 or 2 people in the whole family is sober). Ugh I did have a addiction to opiates a few years ago pretty bad (oxycontin and roxys) haven't done them since have done percosets and dros every ounce in a while. My DOC is meth. Got my own house car ect. so I'm pretty good I think could be better if I didn't use would have more money but it's what make me happy in this shitty world.
 
Lady Codone said:
I feel like my use (of opiates in particular) has risen in the past few weeks. But it always does around the holidays. I enjoy getting all warm and noddy this time of year. So sue me :D

My drug use in general is a form of self-medicating. It motivates me to get out of bed every morning. Probably not the healthiest mindset, but it works. And I don't have a huge tolerance or withdrawals at this point, so I'm at peace with it.
Click to expand...

I side with this.

I do realize that I have an addiction, but it's not particularly problematic. I'm sober throughout the day and get my stuff done, then get high in the evening - kind of a rule I setup for myself; also helps curb tolerance.

That is not to say that I'm at all OK with this. What really gets to me is the realization that the only real pleasure in life for me is being high. Other people enthusiastically talk about doing all kinds of shit and looking forward to all kinds of activities and stuff that I just can't find interesting. And deep down it makes me sad, because I feel like I don't belong in this world. I can't be around people will all kinds of life goals, interests and optimistic views on life; I fail to find any reason to be excited about anything, really. I actually left my lady this summer mostly because of this - I just couldn't help but feel inferior all the time. So now I live alone and mostly in my free time I get high and/or read... read about pharmacology/chemistry, but it's always connected to drugs in some way. So that part of my drug use is absolutely sad, but I try not to think too much about it and learn to accept that people are different and that is just how I am.
 
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