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You cant cage crazy

L

Libra051209

Greenlighter
Joined
Jun 29, 2013
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10
I really dont know where how or why, but here I start.
If this is random or things are out of place, its because thats how my brain is running currently

I need help

someone

meth use and abuse led to semi psycosis and possible alternate personality
I am constantly feeling like my husband hid something from me for the past year while we were doing meth together. The thought of that secret being kept is literally driving me mad. WTF do I do?

I need help, advice, answers, suggestions, ANYTHING. I love my husband more than he knows. We can get through anything, but i dont know how much longer I can cage this crazy inside of me. im so confused that I am confused about being confused.

Im usually a intelligent person that is good as writing, but all this has turned me dumb. I cant think straight and I really cant type straight

...please someone help

my inner crazy is trying to kill me


FYI-2 months sober
 
Hey Libra.. and welcome to Blue light=D

What do you think he hid from you?

How long did you use the meth for? I ask because you may be experiencing PAWS or post acute withdrawal syndrome. Here are a couple good links to check out in regards to what paws is and some of the symptoms..


> Why We Don’t Get Better Immediately: Post-acute Withdrawal Syndrome (PAWS) <

> Post Acute Withdrawl (PAW)
Exerpted From "Staying Sober" By: Terence T. Gorski
with additions by: Lee Jamison <


Also in studying stimulant psycoses I noticed that there was a difference between men and women that was present in a bunch of people that have experienced it.. with psycoses it is common for people to get paranoid and begin to believe things that aren't true.. it seems to feed off of what ever we are already paranoid of or our worst fears...

So for both men and women it was extremely common for people in psycoses to think that they were being monitored by law enforcement and people would often experiences visual and audio hallucinations about this.. thinking and seeing cops while peeking out the blinds, thinking there were cameras watching them or phones being tapped, or even agents crawling in the air ducts..

what was interesting though was that it was common for women to think that instead of agents crawling in the air ducts there were women crawling in the air ducts in order to have an affair with their men..

So i look at this that more than a few women are more afraid of their men cheating than they are of being busted..

I was just wondering if thoughts that your husband was cheating on you were really prevalent to your psycoses..


also here are some interesting threads about stimulant psycoses.. THEY MAY HAVE TRIGGERS AS THEY ARE NOT FROM A RECOVERY FORUM SO VIEW AT YOUR OWN RISK>>

Who are the shadow people?
 
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Ive asked him and always get the same reply "no". I believe that he is doing other drugs mainly behind my drugs. I am sensitive on the herion subject just because my older sister had a hard time with it. So i believe he would keep that from me to spare me. Also, we did these drugs (8months) with our neighbors, they are actually are the people who got us back on it. We both have been meth users in our past. I once thought he was hiding extra from me and started doing it earlier than he originally told me. Then its gone from doing other drugs of any kind. I felt like I was finding places they could have been hid. Also finding lots of broken pens, weird smells, he would get agitated if I came into our bedroom while he was going to the 'restroom", our truck interior started falling apart (such as being pulled apart to hide things), always running to our neighbors without letting me know, always running to their house when we would fight, the quality of the drug became weaker (my thought was he asked our neighbor how to make it so he could make it and use our money for the other drug). He always had waded up used napkins in his pockets. I once found one with this soft yet firm brownish substance in one. I only found it because he had hurried out of the house to go do something and I found it in the chair. I put another napkin in its place and from what I could tell he came back to see if it was there. Granted we worked outside A LOT, he had a lot of small scabs (possible track marks) on his arms and legs...what was weird is our neighbor had the same marks on his arms and the other neighbor has talked about slamming in the past. He has also been known to take others tramadol, taking up to 4 or 5 a day...yet, has had norco sitting around and hasnt taken it. There was also bark looking chips all over the place, some lighter brown thasn others, some pale yellow and dried out looking. There are just a number of things that trigger that thought in my head. Its not what is possibly being hidden that hurts, its the fact he cant be honest with me.

We have been clean for 2 months roughly and there are still moments and times when it hits me like a ton of bricks. The thoughts, the feelings, the sadness, the paranoia, the NEED to know. Ive asked him and asked him and begged him and told him that it can be a "whats said at the table stays at the table" type of conversation. But I just cant keep asking him for fear itll just finally completely push him away and be done with it all, but I also do not know how I can get all this to stop in my head. I truly do have someone else in my head egging it on, always asking, always telling me to second guess, always tearing me down. I know he truly loves me because recently he did something he truly dislikes just to help me out, to try and make things better.

I also know, from older sister, that when a person is addicted to something, they will do everything in their power to keep it a secret to prevent anyone from making them stop. I've told him I just want to know in case something happens that I wouldn't try to take it away. I honestly just want to know so that if anything happens I know how to react or know what is going on. I also want to know because truthfully....I HATE SECRETS (yes, I was that picked on kid in middle school)
 
There is really no need to do all this detective stuff..

To tell if someone is on opiates all you have to do is look at their eyes.. if their eye's are pinned then they are most likely on opiates...
To tell if someones on coke or meth look at their eyes.. If there pupils are really dilated they are most likely on a stimulants..

If you want to know for sure.. grab a hair of his and have it tested..

Hope the two of you figure it out a good place to start would be to figure out a way to develop trust again. Also I wouldn't overlook the fact that people who don't have a substance issue dont usually care if someone starts before them or saves a little off to the side.

"The thoughts, the feelings, the sadness, the paranoia, the NEED to know." this almost sounds like a strong crave to me.. I have had them where the emotions just swirl and swirl.. almost felt like i was losing my mind.

Any way let us know if you want this moved over to SLR.. as i think you may find some people with advise on how to deal with this..
 
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if mixing adderall and herion, does the pupil rule still apply. Husband gets adderall legit for adhd. Currently started taking it again so that he can go back to work

Thank you for the PAW information. Crossing fingers toes eyes legs and arms that future becomes easier
 
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