TDS Wubalubadubdubs...

[just say know]

I tried to cut myself. I smuggled a knife, bandages, and disinfectant into the bathroom. The way i was walking concealed everything i thought i'd need. It took about two trips but i never worked up the courage to self harm i guess...

I am coming at a cross-roads in my life where my situation is prompting me to either escape in some kind of way or deal with what appears to be an obstacle course of incentives for escapism and self harm. The isolation, the lonliness, and the fear of reaching out and getting nowhere all encompass myself when i get this way. A younger, perhaps even more enlightened me wouldn't turn to self harm from knowing all too much that it makes things horrible and far more worse. I have many friends who survive off it just to make it through certain points of their life, sometimes points that re-occur regularly.

So i don't know what else to say but i've started trying to do it. I (sort of silently) promised myself that i wouldn't try to do something like this because i know how it affects those around me and i want to reach out. But to the people i would reach for i fear that my hand wouldn't meet theirs... And i sort of reach out in a way but it's more like hinting.

I have tried to address the life environment (far away from other humans in the middle of nowhere, living with someone whose lifestyles and attitude severely affect me negatively, etc) that has caused both these feelings of depression and lonliness and that has cultivated an urge and need to self harm and say awful things to myself but sadly bringing up the topic to my father ends in his misunderstanding or minor persuits to change things (like spending more actual time with him rather than isolating into the computer (me) and the tv (him), all so that i don't feel lonely and feel like i'm having an actual relationship with my father rather than simply existing next to him) but unfortunately the lifestyle change never happens and no matter how much i can explain to my dad that i need someone to help me if i start to struggle through depression he just doesn't think it's a big deal and prefers to watch tv, sleep, or complain.

I hate it that i don't have a consistent depression or a consistent happiness. Jumping between the two every other day or week just gets old. And "reaching out" gets old faster. As i try to reach out to the friends i had as a support network it seems that something has changed between many of us. I don't know what else to say except "I am in great pain. Please help me." And it feels like that feeling you get when you scream how you feel and no one notices.

 

[just say know]

Sometimes i want to forget about my troubles and deal with it all later like hitting a snooze button. This isn't me and it isn't my character and there seems to be a shame and self criticization hanging in the stagnant air choking me. And it's horrible having no questions or answers or insights into this darkness that suffocates me. I just don't want to be alone anymore... But a part of me says that i will be and it's hard to express that toward other people in ways that make sense. In this sense i want nothing more to be alone and go about this silently, dealing with it on my own, all so that it's easier to deal with.

I sometimes say things in my head like "i wish you would die" to myself. And it just feels like i hate this person in the mirror. It even feels so bitter and gritty that i refer to myself in the third person as if i'm looking at it from a perspective that isn't "me", a perspective that has been shaped by my environment.

 

[herbavore]

Do you ever think about when you started to hate yourself? And why? Is the person you are living with now the person that in some way contributed to this early on?

 

[just say know]

I think that i started to hate myself when i moved in with my step dad. For four years he played this game with me where he would do anything to psychologically knock me down a peg. But there was a bit of brainwashing against the person i am currently living with (my dad) and such.

And i guess i don't really hate myself but it's more that i sometimes get into a negative thought loop. Sometimes it's theraputic and other times it just drags me down. I've been working on figuring how i can get into a more theraputic series of throughts where i face the current and long term issues i've been dealing with and that weigh down on me. Honestly i just needed to reach out to someone. And the dark side seems to be a healthy place to do so.

 

[just say know]

One thing that i don't like is that i don't enjoy using these forums anymore as much as i used to. I really love both bluelight and DMTNexus but sadly i've been going through a serious motivation issue with my hobbies. I also don't read as much as i would prefer or for as long as i dream. I'm going to work on my issues and figure out a positive way of coping and changing these negative things in my life. Before when i used to take psychedelics a little more regularly (though fairly moderated in the sense of harm reduction) and they just simply helped me to see the positive in the long term. Psychedelics have affected me on a positive, long term level but i think it's time that i start really focusing on integration and making changes in my life. I've been doing pretty good without the use of them but from experience i know that they can help me see a new perspective to all this and where it stems from. I'll be attending a peyote ceremony soon with the support of an ONAC church group and i think that being there with the community and my father will help me to work on where i am in life and where i want to be as i grow more and more into an adult. I think the transition into adulthood has also been a contributing factor but i strongly believe the majority of the issue stems from seriously negative communication life styles i've had to live through and cope with in various parts of my long term life.