Wrecking, life rant.

[Keebs]

I feel like when I bend over backwards for you all you do is laugh, 'cause that ain't good enough, you expect me to fold myself in half.

I am having a really bad week, one that I'm finding beyond my capibilities to handle. I don't know what's up with me, honestly. I have been fine and happy, that is until around last Friday. Since then I have been riding a rollercoaster between feeling fine, content with my life, and depressed to the point of wanting to die. I also feel extremely angry at times, with no outlet to release it on. I don't know what that's about either. I have tried numerous times to 'sweep;' these problems 'under the carpet' just to deal with them later, except instead of doing anything rational I have been using drugs. I have tried marijuana, Klonopin and various other drugs ranging from ecstasy to Codeine to OxyContin; for the most part they work, and the problems are gone for weeks - sometimes months. The biggest problem with using various drugs though, is in this state of depression and anger I just don't care about the value of my own life. I find myself taking doses of drugs that would kill anyone else, and I find myself disappointed when I wake up 26 hours later. I don't really want to die, but I just can't stand living. All I know is that I'm utterly exhausted from this rollercoaster, and I find myself hurting everyone around me.

Recently my girlfriend told me she is suicidal, this leaves me feeling insecure and all-around horrible. Her problems never really were this bad before she was dating me, but now she tells me that she is having vivid thaughts of cutting herself - just to watch herself bleed. She has had a lot of other boyfriends, and as far as I know they basically used her and treated her like shit - so how come when I treat her right and care and love for her these feelings come out?

The only other escape from this rollercoaster, apart from daily drug use was riding my bike. It sounds lame, but it's an escape. I used to have this really awesome BMX stunt-bike that my mom saved up for and bought me one year for my birthday, it was only around $400 but to my family, my mom, that was a lot of money - we're not the richest. Anyways, I would ride this bike around for a few hours every day, and it was an escape from everything, all the bullshit going on around me. One afternoon I was riding around and this bike was stolen from me by a few kids with a few knives, looking back now I would have rather gotten stabbed over the bike then given them the satisfaction of stealing it, but once it was gone I had nothing.

I almost cry thinking about my future; I always imagined myself living in a decent sized house with a girlfriend, having a job that I loved and eventually getting married and having children. My only problem is, I was kicked out of school in grade eight, and again in grade nine for not attending. I couldn't bring myself to attend school because I would only get a couple good hours of sleep before my bi-polar mother would get off work and scream and beat on me for things I didn't do. Since I have a grade seven level of education I won't ever be able to get any regular job, won't ever get a house and probably won't ever be able to support a girlfriend or children.

I could always become a drug dealer, because it's a job I have experience with and knowledge for. I just wouldn't ever bring myself to having a girlfriend, or ever having children with a job so dangerous; each day I face death and being jailed for the rest of my life. Sure, it's quick and easy money - but at what price?

Just in all honesty, FML. /rant

 

[Consiglieri]

Hello Keebs,

Dont know how old you are, and what your expectations are of life, but i would love to show you what i have learned in the 30 years i have been on this planet.

FYI: im a pretty chaotic writer, and tend to write back and forth, but i hope that sharing my 'story' helps you, and maybe others.

Firstly, i have always been a day-by-day person. Never even thought of a carreer, or even wonder what the consequences my actions could be. I have been on almost everything but heroin and crack since i was 15, only finished basic education, but still i am sitting behind a desk doing a pretty good job at a fortune 500 company (albeit that its currently ranked on 487)

The funny thing is, im still a playfull person that snorts cocaine almost every day, and drinks at least a gallon of beer every day. Occasionally i do mushrooms, xtc pills, mdma powder, and try new 'smartshop' type of stuff. I often find myself 'hustling' just to keep my 'hobby', without affecting my family/friends/life.

I also had a girlfriend that i regularly had to break out of a bathroom, watching her breaking a mirror, trying to cut herself. I know its hard to live with a person that has these kinds of tendencies, but hey... you either keep on keeping on, or part ways, and dont look back. I kept on, and seen her become better after a long period of time. Now, she too has a kid,
and as far as i know is living a happy life.

I kinda think of this part of my past, as being a learning moment. What have i learned you might ask. Well, its simple. I cannot be responsible for everyone in my life, but
i can certainly do my best, even if its just to not feel bad about myself.

This lesson has come in handy, and proven to be usefull. I now have a wife, 2 children, and a third kid is on its way (september), and i am able to focus my energy on them, in my own pace, being able to adapt to their needs, without me flying into a firstorm of rage, at the first sign of a setback.

I must say, i have never been as depressed as you seem to be, but it might be me. I have had quite the drug binge a few years back, so it might be that this covered up all the negative emotions for a long time.

Now, for the part where i tell you how i got where i am right now.

After my basic education, out of sheer lazyness i went into the airforce, and spent 4 years there. The plan was to educate myself there, and move on to bigger things. Being the day-by-day person i still am today, i failed to follow this plan ofcourse, so i just moved on to other jobs, finally ending up where i am now.

I have found motivation in occupying a job that i consider being a hobby. At this very moment, i find this work being so easy, i want more, and i want it to be harder to do.
The need to learn has grown somehow. This, in contrast to a few years back , is quite new for me, and it has given me oppertunities i never expected to have.

I think, besides me, there are/where millions of people that lack a feeling of purpose in life. This, in my opinion results in different things, which mostly ends up in either becoming a zombie husband or wife/work slave, or becoming an outlaw.

Maybe its a big fantasy in my head, but i feel i have found a way of living/thinking that makes me happy, and in result gives me the energy and need to make other people happy, which in turn makes me more happy. One happy ever revolving circle.... :lol:

I do believe that sometimes looking for advice in others doesnt help you as much, as looking for advice in your own mind.

Hopefully this short story tells you, that even when your down in the gutter, you are the only one that can help you out of it, and stay out of it.

 

[Rogue Robot]

-> tds

 

[das_feuer]

Self medicating only works for a while. Drugs will take the pain from your problems away for a little bit, but when the drugs wear off the problems are still there and the pain becomes magnified because you have been masking it for so long with drugs that you have to learn how to feel again. If you can get off of the drugs and work on resolving those problems you might be better off in the end.

You could always get your GED. You may have to take night classes and study really hard, maybe even find a tutor to help you, but if you work hard at it you can get your GED which is better than an eighth grade education. With a GED you could eventually enroll in a community college once you get your shit together.

You have options and, if you ask for help, there are people out there who will try to help you as long as you are willing to put the leg work in. You have to do a lot of hard work, yourself, to get through this and improve your situation, but it can be done. I have seen people who were hardcore addicted to heroin and crack finally manage to get more than one year clean off of drugs, get jobs, finish college, so I know that it can be done. I have bipolar disorder and in the past I had what I consider to be a serious drug problem. I just graduated recently with my first college degree. I have had to deal with some terrible shit, myself, but I have managed to get a little bit farther in my own life. I have a long way to go still, but I'm happy with how far I've come.

NO WAY would I have been able to get my degree if I were still using drugs.

Hopefully something I've said will help you to figure out what you can do. If you really want to do it you can make it in life, man. Just remember: If you fail, keep trying. Get back up and try again. If you fail again, get back up and try again until you succeed.

 

[Help me please]

If the bike made you happy then get another one! Post something on Craig's list and maybe you can get a freebie or a good price on a used one. Find a way to go back to school and don't use your mom as an excuse. School and getting to it is about you assuming you are at least of high school age. If your mom is so messed up that living with her is really ruining your future than find a relative or someone to live with.

If you keep thinking negative things they will come true for you. If you keep thinking positive things they will come true for you. Your choice dude