Mental Health Worried about my mental health after a recurring bad trip

[ithinkimdone]

Hi guys,

I'm new here, so apologies if I do anything wrong.

My question is basically this- have I discovered some split personality disorder hiding in my mind?

I'll try to explain my experiences- I foolishly overdid it with 2CB one time a few months ago (the catalyst was shots of tequila resulting in a lack of inhibition I think), lost reality completely, but instead of disassociation and being in a cool geometric infinity (like with K or something) I was in this scary wasteland where the trip basically took me through these different personalities:

- extremely weak, scared, insecure and confused person that makes me cringe; I can't even pity him, it pains me to think of it (picture Gollum)
- person that seems to making a realisation of being gay and subsequent sadness on perception of a "ruined life" (I am straight and married)
- person that is successful and masculine, kind of had a "hero" air about him

The trip went through cycles of those personalities, with the first one being in a world where I was accepting that I'd failed and the pain would never stop- the second in firm denial of the apparent facts (but increasing sadness with a fear that they might be true) and the third seeming to triumph over the experience and was a sort of enjoyable part of the trip.

The first personality was stuck talking to what seemed like very dumb/mentally retarded folk in a horrible swamp like world, lots of visions of gruesome injuries and body parts, faeces etc.

The second was just uncomfortable warmth and shades of pink, that's all I really recall.

The third was like a howling storm, but very beautiful to experience.

In reality I'd wandered away from my house, somebody had called the police on me (I must have been making a menace of myself) and then they arrested me quite violently (I was badly beaten, fractured skull, spent a few days in hospital).

After all this, I took a break for a while- I had really worried my wife and myself.

Eventually I was at a party and insufflated a crushed up "mystery pill" that was supposed to be MDMA-based but was very psychedelic (visual, headspace) with no empathy or euphoria. I started remembering aspects of the night I wound up in hospital quite clearly (I hadn't been able to before) and it amazed me- it wasn't at all stressful, it was just very interesting.

A few weeks ago, some friends and I had a very big party and 2CB was on the cards again, but while a lot was used that night, it was in moderate doses and very enjoyable (though I did go into a strange daze and felt a bit depersonalised toward the end of the night- at that point I took no more).

I've had a few nights of MDMA and low doses of 25b-nbome since then with nothing notable to report- then a couple of nights ago I did a stronger (just two tabs) dose of the same 25b-nbome blotters and relived a lot of the experience from the night I wound up in hospital. No disassociation but the entire evening took the shape of those same 3 personalities, and everywhere I went was tainted with those same three environments.

It was very scary for me, my poor wife was trying to calm me down but she could barely manage.

Eventually the intensity dropped and I was able to listen to some music until I could sleep- any time I had no visual or audible stimuli I was stuck in the first world with the horrible biological waste etc.

My wife picked most of the personalities as I was speaking and experiencing them, she was uncomfortable talking about it, especially the first one- she seemed to be very concerned about the confusion/weakness I was exhibiting when I felt I was this personality.

Interestingly, when I looked in the mirror I would instantly become the 3rd personality and be very pleased with my appearance/confident.

So, to my question- have I uncovered some sort of split personality disorder? Is it doctor time?

Or am I simply prone to bad trips and severe amplification of worries and insecurities?

I believe I could rationalise the latter- I've always been insecure about myself and worry that people don't perceive me as being masculine enough to be a man; I think that and the second personality stem from my father (a terrible​ homophobe) being quite clearly concerned that I was going to "turn out gay" due to being of slight build, nerdy, not liking sports etc.

I still don't like sports, I'm still a huge nerd but I'm not small any more- I'm about 6 foot and 90kg, so I have no real reason to feel insecure (but it's still there). As for the gay part- I've never really had any worries, I'm definitely attracted to women, but that's come up while tripping before. I think it's just because my thought loops tend to be worry loops, I will worry about literally anything.

So- what do you make of it? Perhaps this is some PTSD from the hospital night that's catching up with me?

It goes without saying I think I'm finished with psychedelics, I always said if drugs affected my life I would stop- I scared my wife, that's not okay.

Thanks guys, party safely

 

[knibbejh]

Hey dude,

First off I can't say that I have had the exact same experience but I can sympathize. I have had things happen That I can't explain. I had something that I refer to as a crack in my consciousness. For some time (I still don't know how long) I was stuck in some kind of alternate reality. There, I would come to realize my faults and sins and all the people I hurt in that "other" life. I would come to face the quivering totality of eternity and be completely alone in utter torment. My ears were filled with blood curdling screams- then I realized those screams were my own. I felt the icy pangs of fear stab my soul as My darkest nightmare violated me. I could go on and on about the things I went through, but it wAs so disturbing and affected me on such a profound level that my reAlity was fragmented. All I'm trying to say is that you're not alone when it comes to crazy things happening to your consciousness. Over time, the details will start to fade and it won't affect or disturb you as much as time goes on. However, you won't forget how deeply it affected you. Everything will be okay . Our brains have a great ability of "self preservation" and you will slowly come out of this. Best of luck buddy.

 

[ithinkimdone]

Hey man,

Sorry I didn't realise you'd replied until now.

Thanks for the positive message, it's reassuring- I'd sort of like to talk to a professional about the whole thing, but my fear is the minute I mention use of recreational drugs (especially psychedelics) they'll be uninterested in helping me understand the whole thing better and write me off as an idiot.

I've been doing a bit more reading and I found some very interesting information at https://psychonautwiki.org/wiki/Delusions; a lot of the things mentioned there categorise my experiences which helps put my mind at ease about the experiences being normal-ish psychedelic-related delusions (not entirely unexpected and probably not a sign of a mental illness, basically).

A line that stands out in particular reads They are most likely to occur during states of memory suppression and share many common themes and elements with clinical schizophrenia"". This seems to compute, as I definitely lose track of actual, day-to-day sober me and become wrapped up in these fictional other personalities- and it does only seem to happen toward the end of the trip when the visuals and positive effects have started to wear off and I'm just left with my friend brain and paranoia.

I hope you're coping with your own struggles my friend- out of interest, do you still use psychedelics? I don't want to write them off, I really enjoy them- but I'd love to understand what triggers the negative experiences so I can steer away from it. If it were just me on my own I'd be happy to strap in and ride it out, but the last thing you want to do is stress out your mates who are probably also tripping and end up needing looking after or whatever.

Thanks again for the positive words, take it easy

 

[knibbejh]

Hey dood,

I do often reflect on my visit to "hell" and seek to assign reason or meaning to it. Then I think oh my God I need to talk to a professional but then any attempt to explain what I went through is in vain and futile as I'm sure you have gathered as well. Then I just end up tripping over my words and sounding like loon. But if it is truly causing you great distress and would help to at least talk about it and try to figure out what happened then you should do it. I know I want the truth about what happened that day ( actually it was a period of about two weeks when I started to recognize my consciousness again). I do occasionally use psychedelics as I will always be a psychonaut. Just stay safe and try to start with a clean slate. Don't yield to the dread of bad trips. Remember that truth may defy reason. Perhaps I'll see you around the bend and may the creator keep you and I hope you find what you seek fellow traveler.